Saturday, June 28, 2025

Buying a New Car in 1950

 



Imagine you are an adult living in the year 1950. You hate to admit it, but that old 1939 Dodge is on its last wheels, so off you go to find a new automobile. The good news is that a new car in 1950 cost only between $1,500 and $2,200. The not-so-good news is that the average income in 1950 was approximately $3,300.

First, let's visit Dutro Motors on South Fifth Street. Perhaps you would like to purchase another Dodge: “Coming or Going... again this year THE BIG VALUE IS DODGE! NEW VALUE: New Lighting and design of the instrument panel! Wide landscape windshield...'knee-level' seats add to driving comfort, vision, and safety. NEW VALUE: New Dodge interiors give you generous head and leg room. Huge new rear 'picture window' for safer vision...gives a feeling of spaciousness. NEW VALUE: You'll be thrilled by the smoothness of Dodge Fluid Drive. No-shift Gyro-Matic is optional ...at a moderate extra cost.” (Zanesville News, 1-9-1950.)

Beginning on January 10th, Bob Miller & Son on Putnam Avenue displayed the new DeSoto: “Here's the best-looking new car of them all! It's the new DeSoto, designed to give you more room, more comfort, more visibility, more safety, and more lasting satisfaction than any other car you've ever owned. Here's the car designed with YOU in mind.

“It lets you drive without shifting. It has a terrific high-compression engine, bigger–than–ever brakes, weatherproof ignition, and feather-light steering. Yet it is excitingly easy to buy and amazingly economical to operate.” (News, 1-9-'50.)

If you haven't yet made a choice, go see the “New Plymouth: (It is) packed with value... and ready to prove it. It's loaded with value - the biggest and best bargain your automobile dollar ever had a chance to buy! It's the new low-priced Plymouth - the car that looks and acts like the high-priced cars.

“In fact, this new car has important features that are not even found in many of the most expensive cars. The magic of Ignition Key starting...the performance of Plymouth's high-compression engine...the two-way safety of Safe-Guard Hydraulic Brakes and Safety-Rim Wheels...the solid comfort of the new Plymouth Air Pillow Ride.” (News, 1-15-'50.)

Do you want a car with some “getup and go?” Then see the new “Rocket” Oldsmobile at the Modern Motor Company on South Sixth Street: “FUTURAMIC '98' ...Now ...all new...the most magnificent Oldsmobile of all! Styling that adds sparkling new distinction to 'Rocket' Engine action! And just as thrilling is the Futuramic 98's luxurious interior! Remarkable new room and comfort - new slim, contoured steering wheel - new one-piece windshield and wider rear window! And to point up 'Rocket' smoothness – the '98' Oldsmobile offers new velvet-surging Whirlaway Hydra-Matic Drive!” (News, 1-18-'50.)

At the Witchie Buick Company on West Main Street, potential buyers were told about the “Hottest engine news of 1950: Call it if you will the biggest power-story of the year. Call it another triumph in Buick's long history of coming up with car performance beyond compare.

“...you'll be riding behind a power plant that is not only new but a major sensation of the 1950 season. You'll be commanding the very latest word in valve - in - head power - the newest accomplishment of the organization with the country's longest stretch of experience in this engine design.” (News, 1-20-'50).

The new Cadillac also had a new and improved engine: “Cadillac's great new high-compression engine is even smoother; it is actually quicker in acceleration; and it runs so quietly that only the indicators reveal when it is in action. It is simply wonderful to drive.

“And – difficult as this will be for owners of 1949 Cadillacs to believe – the 1950 cars are even more economical to operate. Gasoline mileage really approaches that of the smaller, lowest–priced cars. It is no less amazing that cars so big and luxurious should run so far on a gallon of gasoline.” (News, 2-18-'50).

In 1950, one could buy a new Mercury for $1,952: “When you compare them all, it's plain to see which car gives you the most for your money. It's the Mercury for 1950! For Mercury's new low starting price now brings you the better – than – ever new car buy!

“And it's miles ahead in value, too. Big! Beautiful! Roomy! Better in styling – with new 'Customized' interiors! Better – in comfort – with 'Lounge Rest' foam–rubber cushioned seats! Better in economy – with 'Econ – O – Miser' carburetion!” (News, 2-9-'50).

The 1950 Hudsons featured the new “step–down” ride: “Today's the day! The day to see the gorgeous Hudsons for 1950 that bring you a fresh motoring experience – 'The Step–Down Ride' - at sensational lower prices on every Super and Custom Commodore model. This is the ride that cradles you in the lowest–built car of them all!

“You instantly see that these new Hudsons have the lowest center of gravity in any American automobile – and as a result, you know instinctively, as you view them, that they hug the road more tenaciously and are therefore America's best–riding, safest cars!” (News, 2-12-'50).

According to an ad from the Swingle Motor Company on South 6th Street, the 1950 Pontiac Catalina was “The Most Beautiful Pontiac Ever Built! It's the wonderfully good-looking new Pontiac Catalina – a car that combines the dashing grace of a convertible with the safety and convenience of an all–steel Body by Fisher.

“The new Pontiac Catalina is a sparkling car – and even better, it's a Pontiac, through and through! That means you will enjoy miles and miles of Pontiac's superb performance, and all of Pontiac's long–range economy.” (News, 2-14-'50).

One could purchase the Statesman Super 2–door Sedan Nash for $1758. The fancier model, the Ambassador Super 2–door Sedan, went for $2,089: “Want to sample the finest thing in engines? Drive the 1950 Nash Ambassador, and let it do its own boasting! If there's a better performer on the road today, the record books don't show it! Now you can have the last word in automatic driving – Hydra – Matic Drive with exclusive Selecto – Lift Starting.” (News, 2-15-'50).

You will save on fuel by purchasing the 1950 Ford: “You save up to 15% in gas with Ford Automatic Overdrive. Only Ford in its field offers you this money–saving feature. And only Ford brings you a V–8 engine (now hushed to a whisper) for hundreds less than most 'Sixes.'

“Ford Automatic Overdrive cuts your engine revolutions 30%. That means your engine can loaf along at 35 m.p.h. when your Ford is doing 50! And that means less wear on your engine, less wear on you.” (News, 2-15-'50).

After picking your new 1950 automobile, I suggest you stock up on road maps from your gasoline station, for the GPS was not invented until several decades later. Moreover, drive carefully because seatbelts were not standard equipment at that time. Happy motoring!

Sunday, June 22, 2025

So Much for "Expert" Advice

. Recently, I read an article from a self-proclaimed expert on marriage. He said no matter how well a marriage is working, it can be enhanced when both the husband and the wife constantly and truthfully communicate with one another.


Me: “Dear, the magazine expert says you should tell me about my deficiencies so I may improve.”


Better Half: “Sweetheart, I cannot think of anything important enough to criticize. You treat me with respect and always see me as an equal. Furthermore, you seldom criticize me. What's not to like?”


Me: “There must be some things I do that bug you.”


Better Half: “No, I feel blessed to have you as my mate.”


Me: “I feel the same about you, dear. You may not be an angel, but you come pretty close.”


Better Half: “Of course, your jokes are corny, and it's kind of boring when you tell the same ones repeatedly.”


Me: “I tell them repeatedly because they're classics.”


Better Half: “And you watch too many sporting events.”


Me: “At least I don't rot my brain with those silly romance movies.”


Better Half: “Silly? You wouldn't know romance if it bit you in the butt.”


Me: “Well, you wouldn't know what a blitz is even if you were playing quarterback.”


Better Half: “And your friends are stupid and unsophisticated.”


Me: “You and your card buddies sound like hens in a chicken coop while the fox is making a raid.”


Better Half: “You watch too many old silly cowboy shows.”


Me: “You spend half the day watching boring detective shows. You seem to be fascinated by murder.”


Better Half: “The more we talk, the more it enters my mind.”


Me: “You invite your mother to our house too often.”


Better Half: “What? She hasn't been here in two years!”


Me: “Well, it seems like yesterday. She once told me you should have married that butcher from Cleveland.”


Better Half: “Maybe she was right!”


Me: “All I know is that your father died on purpose to get away from her!”


Better Half: “Take that back!”


Me: “I'm sorry. Listen, you are a better person than I am. You even have better in-laws than I do.”


Better Half: “Thank you. Hey, wait a minute!”


*If you see my wife, say “hi” for me. We haven't spoken to each other for a week. As for the “expert,” we want a restraining order to keep him at least ten miles from our residence, and we've canceled our magazine subscription. My wife and I have learned this: In marriage, sometimes ignorance of one another is bliss.

Monday, June 16, 2025

It can Happen in Restaurants, Theaters, and even Airplanes


Some people do a double-take when they see me on a hot summer day with a jacket wrapped around my waist, but there is a method to my madness. Even when the thermometer hits a blazing 100 degrees, some public places crank up the air conditioning almost to the point of frosting their windows.


My wife and I flew to Atlanta a few days ago to see our grandchildren. While sitting on the tarmac, the plane's interior became so heated that a group of camels asked to come aboard. That all changed once we were in the air.


Within five minutes, our desert turned into Antarctica. One could almost see their breath in the air. We quickly turned off the air nozzles above our heads, but Arctic-like air continued to pummel us throughout the trip.


Luckily, I'd brought along a jacket. This helped, but the frigid air penetrated the jacket to such an extent that I could not do one of my favorite flight pastimes- sleep. After the flight, it took me ten minutes to thaw out under a crisp Atlanta sun.


Occasionally, I've been blasted by cold air in theaters while trying to watch a movie. Once at the theater, my better half snuggled against me. I thought she was being romantic, but she simply wanted some of my body heat. (I should have known. On cold winter nights, she uses my body to heat her feet!)


A couple of years ago, we went to the theater to see a movie about the North Pole. It was so cold in there that it was easy to believe we were at the North Pole. I would not have been surprised to have seen a couple of polar bears sitting in front of us, sipping Cokes and munching popcorn.


During the first few years of our marriage, while the movie was in progress, my wife would ask me to go to the car to get a sweater for her. I didn't mind, except for the fact I'd missed an important part of the movie. Now older but wiser, both of us bring jackets with us.


We have dealt with several problems in restaurants. Often, the young workers will select music to blare over the room, music no one over 25 wants to hear. Moreover, they blast it so loudly that having a good conversation becomes nearly impossible.


One restaurant we went to was almost fully automated. Using a computerized screen, the customer punches in his choices and then uses a credit card to pay the bill. The receipt has “your” number on it. When that number is called, you walk up to the counter to get your food. Then you get your own drink, plate, and utensils. When the meal is finished, you clean up the mess.


Ironically, on the receipt is a place to leave a tip. Usually, I'm a generous tipper, but in this case, I refused to leave one red cent, for my wife and I did all the work. A tip should be for good service, not for a lack of service.


With that being said, the biggest problem we've encountered in restaurants is the freezing effect. It was so cold in one eatery that I was tempted to stick my toes into the soup to avoid frostbite. It was so cold that two polar bears were sitting at a nearby table, wearing coats, scarves, and mittens.


So if you see me this summer wearing a jacket around my waist, please cut me some slack. Besides, it's not as silly as the explanation given by a couple of farmers to my mom when she was a kid.


She asked why they were wearing long underwear while working under a blazing summer sun. They replied: “We do it to keep the heat out.” Somehow, I doubt that it worked. 

Tuesday, June 10, 2025

Noah and the Ark


*God became so disenchanted with human beings that He decided to get rid of (by drowning) all but Noah, his wife, his three sons, and his daughters-in-law.


God: “Noah, I order you to build an ark. On it, you will house two of every animal, a male and a female. I will unleash a great flood. When the waters recede, I will order the animals to go forth and multiply.”


Noah: “Lord, may I have a pass on the skunks? They could make life miserable for my family and for all the other animals.”


God: “You will take two of every animal, including the skunks! This is my command!”


Noah: “Yes, Lord. My wife wants her mom to come along. May I bar that old battleaxe from the boat?


God: “Of course, Noah; I'm not a cruel god.”


Noah: “Thank you, Lord. God, you just ordered me to tell the animals to 'go forth and multiply' once we reach land, but I'm afraid the two snakes you sent me can't do that.”


God: “Why is that, Noah?”


Noah: “Lord, they are adders, not multipliers.”


God: “Luckily for you, Noah, I have a good sense of humor.”


Noah: My Lord, do You think wiping out most of human life will end evil?”


God: “It will, at least until a new set of politicians comes along.”


*Seventy years later, an impatient God checks Noah's progress or lack thereof. Already, He has started the storm with which He plans to wipe out most of humanity:


God: “Noah, what is taking so long? You are a young, vibrant 600-year-old guy who should have finished this project long ago.”


Noah: “I am sorry, Lord, but government red tape is getting in the way. Officials took forty-two years to do an environmental impact study on building such an ark. The IRS seized my property and charged me with attempting to leave the country with endangered species. After seventy years, I'm still waiting for a boat license.

So far, my family and I have not been granted passports.


Another government agency says I must have a veterinarian aboard, and it found that the cages we want to use are not regulation size. Still another government entity won't let us sail until we have more human diversity aboard. Today, we received a notice stating we must have passengers representing each known faith.”


*Suddenly, the rains stop. The wind calms as the sky turns a light blue. A beautiful rainbow can be seen.


Noah: Aren't you still planning on destroying the world, Lord?”


God: “No, my son; it's too late. The government has beaten me to it!”

Tuesday, June 3, 2025

Life can be Unfair

 

The other day, while I was waiting to cross a busy intersection, an elderly lady stopped beside me and stared. “You look just like the actor Cary Grant,” she said. This, of course, puffed me up. Then, as we began to cross the street, she added: “Let's see; he's been dead about thirty years, so yes, he probably looks just like you.”

 

  • If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive, and all his impersonators would be dead.

 

  • If life were fair, we would be able to take retirement when we're young so that we could make the most of it.

 

  • If life were fair, God would give Johnny Carson back to us.

 

  • My wife's friend said I looked like a movie star- Frankenstein's monster. That's preposterous! I don't have a bolt in my neck! Besides, I've already been told I look like a long-deceased Cary Grant.

 

  • If life were fair, the electricity would never go out during a thunderstorm.

 

  • My wife gives me no credit for my cooking skills. She calls them “burnt offerings.”

 

  • While I was minding my business and singing to myself in the living room, a neighbor called the police. He thought I was torturing a cat.

 

  • If life were fair, eating pizza, ice cream, and chocolate candy would make you lose weight.

 

  • If life were fair, hair would not grow on one's back or in one's ears and nose.

 

  • It might be true, but it's cruel to tell someone their breath could kill a moose.

 

  • If life were fair, suffering would always have the payoff of making you stronger or building your character.

 

  • It's unfair that most of the best-tasting food is not good for you.

 

  • The physical problems we encounter as we age are not fair, but as Mark Twain said, “Do not complain about growing old. It is a privilege denied to many.”

 

  • When I was a kid, my parents moved six times, but I was always able to find them!

 

  • I don't think my parents cared much about me. For bathtub toys, they gave me a radio and a toaster.

 

  • I told my psychiatrist that everybody hates me. He said that can't be true; there are lots of people out there who don't know me.

 

  • If life were fair, kids wouldn't get pimples. I remember falling asleep in the library, only to be awakened by a blind guy reading my face.

 

  • If life were fair, on cold winter nights, wives wouldn't use their husbands' bodies as foot warmers.

 

  • If life were fair, football players would make $50,000 a year, and teachers would be paid millions.

 

  • If life were fair, eating potato chips would lower your blood pressure and take inches off your waist.

 

  • THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Even when life is unfair, we are about as happy as we choose to be.

Wednesday, May 28, 2025

You Know You're Getting Old When....


  1. you can remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.


  1. happy hour” is a good nap.


  1. your cardiologist says, “Spit it out if it tastes good.”


  1. you are still “hot,” but it now comes only in flashes.


  1. you need longer arms to read the newspaper.


    6. each day, you check the newspaper's obituary section to see if you're in it.


  1. a hot meal trumps a hot date.


  1. an affair of the heart is a bypass.


  1. you personally remember many of the events described in your grandson's history book.


  1. young store clerks begin calling you “sweetie.”


  1. you describe your knees as “good” and “bad” instead of left and right.


  1. you have more hair in your ears than on your head.


  1. you attend more funerals than weddings.


  1. you need to wear your glasses in the shower to shave your legs.


  1. most of the names in your “little black book” are followed by “M.D.”


  1. your favorite songs are being played in elevators.


  1. your back goes out more than you do.


  1. instead of the police, your doctors tell you to slow down.


  1. the candles cost more than the birthday cake.


  1. you still “have it,” but no one wants to see it.


** Remember, age is just a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

Thursday, May 22, 2025

My Teachers Used the Lumber



It's been many years since I attended public schools. When I was a senior, there were still a few dinosaurs roaming here and there. So, since I'm old, I have earned the right to begin this story with that well-worn phrase-” Back in my day.” The teachers of my era ran the show. A student's job was simply to follow his or her orders. If a young person chose not to do so, the “lumber”- a well-constructed paddle- would be put to good use.


Some of the teachers actually made their own paddles. The mechanical drawing teacher, in particular, was an expert craftsman. He knew just how many holes drilled into the weapon would give the maximum effect, that is, the most pain. Some of the female teachers would administer corporal punishment, but usually they would call upon male instructors to inflict the pain.


During the first class of the year, the aforementioned mechanical drawing teacher started us on a simple drawing before proceeding to call students one at a time out to the hallway. His speech began: “Now, if you do what I tell you to do, we'll get along just fine, but if you choose otherwise, you'll meet up with this paddle.”


It was a thing of beauty, with an extra-long handle to increase speed. The air swooshing through the paddle's multiple holes made a rather majestic sound just before the wood met the posterior. Before returning to class, the student would have to lean against the wall so that he could receive a “love tap,” a sample of what awaited any young man who was stupid enough to defy the man in charge. Luckily, I was never that stupid!


One day at lunchtime, while two young men were playing pool, the physical education teacher walked by, sporting his “old man's” hat, the kind you see detectives wear in 1940s era movies. Being boys, they made a few funny remarks about the coach's derby. In response, the ticked-off instructor went to his office, grabbed his trusty paddle, and then administered his form of justice.


Later that same coach was holding football practice in the small gym because of lightning storms. After working at stations for a half hour or so, he had us gather around so that he could impart important information: “Now boys, when you block an opponent, you must get into a lower stance...blah, blah, blah....”


Evidently, two of the players didn't think the coach's information was all that important because they were carrying on their own discussion. Soon, the coach was in their faces: “Boys, when I talk, you listen!” Then we resumed the drills.


About thirty minutes later, he halted the drills once again, and once again he began imparting his wisdom to us. And once again, those two boys were gabbing away, oblivious to any of the coach's remarks. Coming up behind them, the coach sprang into action, fiercely cracking their heads together. Fortunately, they were wearing their helmets. Like a thunderclap, the noise reverberated around the gym. Everyone paid attention during the rest of the workout.


Old teachers never die; they just get erased. Many years later, my brother-in-law attended his high school reunion. To his surprise, the get-together was attended by one of his former physical education instructors. The old gentleman brought with him a mystery object wrapped neatly inside a box.


After the meal, the old teacher spoke: “Many years ago, when you were students at this school, I had a problem one day during health class. Every time I'd turn to write on the board, someone would hit me with a spitball. Nobody would tell me who did it, well, not until today.”


Then the old coach called up a middle-aged man who had been fingered as the culprit from those many years ago. Inside the box was a brand-new paddle made explicitly for this occasion. After the culprit leaned against the wall, the old teacher showed that he still had some energy to put behind his swing.


Once he was finished, the coach replied: “Justice delayed is still justice served.”


Wow! Our teachers were so good that they would never let a crime go unpunished, even if it took 40 years to serve old-fashioned justice by means of a slab of lumber. 

Wednesday, May 14, 2025

Did You Know?


  • The great Babe Ruth, who hit 714 home runs, began his major league career as a dominating pitcher.


  • Amazing Grace was written in 1772 by a former slave trader!


  • The last United States president without a college degree was Harry S. Truman.


  • Chillicothe was the capital of Ohio two separate times.


  • The world's tallest person, Robert Wadlow, stood 8 feet and 11.1 inches tall.


  • Ringo Starr was not an original member of the Beatles.


  • George Washington never had wooden teeth.


  • Kits are baby rabbits.


  • Humans are the only creatures that blush (and perhaps are the only ones with reason to do so).


  • A dog is as intelligent as a two-year-old child.


  • Jesus started his ministry at about the age of 30.


  • Take Me Out to the Ballgame's (1908) authors had never been to a professional baseball game when they wrote the song.


  • Pigs are the smartest farm animals.


  • UCLA has won 11 basketball national championships, more than any other school.


  • The shortest president of the United States was James Madison, who stood 5 feet 4 inches.


  • The average lifespan for men in the U. S. is 75; for women, 80.


  • A dog's sense of smell is 40 times greater than that of a human being.


  • Franklin Roosevelt was in his fourth term of office when he died.


  • Chickens and ducks are closely related.


  • Homo sapiens have been around for approximately 300,000 years.


  • In 1957, a rock and roll band called the Quarrymen was formed. You know them better as the Beatles.


  • Elephants have excellent memories, unlike my wife's husband, who often forgets to pick up a quart of milk or a loaf of bread.


  • According to surveys, Americans' favorite foods include hamburgers, French fries and fried chicken.


  • A recent survey indicated the most hated foods are oysters, black licorice, and anchovies.


  • President John Quincy Adams had an estimated IQ of 175. Talk about a brainiac!

 

Thursday, May 8, 2025

Some Goofy Things to Consider


  • I was worried about my upcoming carpal tunnel surgery. “Doctor,” I asked,” will I be able to play the piano after undergoing this procedure?” “Of course you will,” he confidently replied. “That's great,” I said, “because I can't play one now!”


  • On the door of the men's bathroom at the senior center is a sign warning us to open the door slowly. The sign is not needed. At our ages, that's the only way we can open the blasted thing!


  • I'm at the age when I would prefer a hot bowl of soup to a hot date.


  • At my age, a “friend with benefits” can still drive.


  • My grandson asked if I had voted for Lincoln. “Of course not!” I protested. “Oh, then you must be a Democrat,” he replied.


  • I can do anything now that I could do at twenty; it just takes longer and hurts more.


  • My wife asked me to see if her left front turn signal was working. I replied: “Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no....”


  • If space aliens were ever to check out Washington, D. C., no doubt they would report to their home planet that no intelligent life forms were found there.


  • I was extremely popular in high school. As a result, I was the senior class president for four straight years! (Think about it!)


  • My wife defended me when our granddaughter said I looked like Frankenstein's monster. “You're wrong, dear,” my better half replied. “The monster has a bolt in its neck.”


  • My wife vetoed my choice of a song for the church choir. What's wrong with “100 Bottles of Sacramental Wine on the Wall?” The entire congregation could have sung along.


  • This is a typical man's strategy for shopping: “Get in, get what you want, and get out!”


  • My wife said I act like a little boy. If she says that one more time, I'll throw her out of my fort.


  • When a blind date saw my photograph, she refused to spend the evening with me. “Beauty is only skin deep,” her friend said. “Okay, then let me skin him,” she said.


  • To become eligible for the big football game, the star player had to use the word “officiate” in a sentence. “My brother got sick from a fish he ate,” replied the slow-witted running back. He scored three touchdowns that day.


  • I don't think my parents liked me. For a bath toy ,they gave me a toaster.


  • During my childhood, my parents moved several times, but I was always able to find them.


  • Two or three times a year, the church choir director asks me to sing in front of her group. Afterwards, she says to them: “Now, don't sound like that and you'll be just fine.”


  • My wife is a city girl who knows nothing about farming. The other day, she wore herself out pumping the tail of my uncle's cow, but got no milk. She said the cow was a “milk dud.”


***** LAUGH A LITTLE; LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO DO OTHERWISE. 

Tuesday, April 29, 2025

I'm an Expert on George Washington


The other day, my wife and I watched a TV show about our nation's presidents. At the end of the program, my better half asked, “Dear, if you could have dinner with one of our presidents, which one would you choose?”


“That's easy,” I replied. “I'd select George Washington, the Father of our Country.”


“Do you know why he was called that?” she inquired.


“Sure. He was quite the playboy of those times. I think he was married six or seven times and had about eight or nine kids with each spouse.”


“That's not true! He was married just once, to Martha, and he had no biological children.”


“Well, unlike the rest of us, he didn't lie. As a matter of fact, he was so honest that he COULDN'T lie.”


“Dear, he was a politician. Don't you know there's a scientific way to tell when a politician is lying?”


“No. What is it?”


“It's whenever his or her lips are moving!”


“But when George cut down his father's cherry tree, he wasn't punished because he couldn't tell a lie. Honesty didn't work for me. Once I pushed our outhouse over a hill and readily admitted that I had done the deed, but Dad spanked me for it.”


“What was his reasoning?”


“He said that my case was different because George's father wasn't in that cherry tree when it was chopped down.”


“What else do you know about Mr. Washington?”


“If living today, he would have been a great baseball pitcher or a remarkable football quarterback.”


“Why do you say that?”


“Everybody knows that he threw a silver dollar across the mighty Potomac River.”


“That's a bunch of baloney. Major league pitchers have tried to do that, and they couldn't come close.”


“There's a reasonable explanation for that.”


“There is?”


“Yeah. Everybody knows that money doesn't go as far as it used to.”


“Do you have anything else to say?”


“Well, I imagine it is tough wearing wooden dentures. He had to deal with splinters, wood rot, and termites. Instead of brushing his teeth, he had to varnish them. Dear, why are you banging your head on the table?”


George did use various types of dentures, but none of them was made of wood.”


“Well, we all know that he killed a bear when he was only three.”


“That song was about Davy Crockett, and it's not true.”


“He was the first president to live in the White House.”


“Nope. That was John Adams.”


“He pointed his bat toward the center-field wall just before knocking the ball into the center-field stands.”


“That was Babe Ruth.”


“George did it long before the Babe did, and he hit it so hard that it flew right over the Potomac. Dear, please quit mumbling something about you could have married that truck driver from Cleveland.”


“Please tell me you're finished.”


“Just one more thing, dear. Mr. Washington was no couch potato. Unlike modern folks, he spent relatively little time watching TV.”


“ You should become a news anchor, dear.”


“Because I'm so handsome and knowledgeable?”


“No, because you are so good at giving fake news.”