*Opening theme song:
Coldfinger, he’s the man The man with the freezing touch Such a cold finger He beckons you to his icy rink of sin But if you have any brains you won’t go in Frozen words he will pour in your ear But his touch will freeze up your beer For a girl knows when he has kissed her It’s the frozen kiss of death From Mister Coldfinger He loves only cold He loves only cold He loves cold! (If you want to sing along, please scream the last three words).
*James Bond, the debonair British secret agent, enters the office of the secret intelligence boss, the Department Undersecretary of the Monitoring Bureau (DUMB).
Bond: “Good morning, Miss Moneynickle,” the spy says to the pretty secretary.
Moneynickle: “Hello, sexy,” she replies with a wink.
*The Undersecretary, Bond’s boss, responds over the intercom: “Bond, quit flirting with that woman and get in here!”
Undersecretary: “James, we have a problem. This is a photograph of the notorious Coldfinger. The man cannot stand the heat; he keeps all his rooms at five below zero. As a child he began a life of crime in his neighborhood. At the age of six he was busted for swiping the neighbors’ ice cubes and then dumping them down his pants. At ten he spent time in jail for stealing electric fans. We want you to go in disguise and see what’ he’s up to.”
Bond: “This gives a whole new meaning to being frigid.”
Undersecretary: “Never mind the puns, 007; go see Q to collect the gadgets that will help you to succeed on this mission.”
Q: “Quit looking at my secretary and pay attention to what I’m showing you, 007. Here is the car you will use. Go ahead and start it.”
Bond: “This is fantastic! It emits an oil slick to make the bad guys following me skid off the road! What button do I use to activate it?”
Q: “No button is necessary. The old tub naturally leaks oil. Our budget was cut after the government bought the queen three more castles. We got a great deal in buying this car from a retiring police officer; I believe his name is Columbo.”
Bond: “Great. What else do you have?”
Q: ”Open this jar, James.”
*Upon opening it a foul-smelling thick smoke is emitted.
Bond: “Where did you get this?”
Q: “Los Angeles, of course. Now here is a ‘heat’ pen.’ When you remove the top a nuclear-generated reaction will instantly raise the temperature around you by 50 degrees. 007, are you listening to me?”
Bond: “Of course. You made the brilliant suggestion of removing the top.”
Q: “I was talking about my pen, James, not my secretary. You will wear these special shoes. If you kick someone with either shoe a rocket will shoot out the end and turn your opponent into ashes.”
*007 arrives at the casino where Coldfinger is playing a lethal game of ‘go fish.’ Bond arrives in a covered wagon and wears pioneer clothing.
Bond: “Valet, please park this wagon for me.”
Valet: “Who are you?’
Bond: “My name is Bond, Ward Bond. I’m a wagon master. Haven’t you ever watched the reruns of Wagontrain?”
Valet” “Yeah, I believe you, and I’m the Lone Ranger. What’s this all about?’
Bond: “ I’ll tell you if you promise to keep it a secret. My name is Bond, James Bond; I’m a secret agent here in disguise to investigate one Mr. Coldfinger.”
Valet: “How do you know I won’t tell someone?”
Bond: “See this license? It’s a license to kill. If you talk you die!”
*Bond enters the gaming area. There he spots Mr. Coldfinger, who is sitting on a huge block of ice while he plays a cutthroat game of cards. Bond becomes suspicious when he realizes that Coldfinger always wins. 007 then spots a beautiful young lady looking out the second floor window. She is using binoculars to read the other players’ hands. She then relays this information to Coldfinger, who is wearing an earpiece. Bond breaks his way into her room.
Bond: “So, you’re cheating for that good-for-nothing Coldfinger!”
Miss Kitty Litter: “If I don’t, he will kill me. Oh well, let’s get romantic.”
*Always a fast worker, five minutes later Bond begins to give Coldfinger the wrong information. During the next three hours the villain loses over forty matchsticks. He’s fit to be tied.
*Later that evening Bond sees Coldfinger at the dining area. The bad guy approaches our hero.
Coldfinger: “My name is Frosty Coldfinger.”
Bond: My name’s Bond, James Bond.”
Coldfinger: “Would you like a drink, Mr. Bond?”
Bond: “Thank you. I’ll have prune juice, shaken, not stirred.”
Coldfinger: “Prune juice?”
Bond: “I’m not getting any younger, you know. My character has been featured in films since 1962.”
*Coldfinger invites Bond to play golf the next morning. He accepts. Like most crooks, Coldfinger is a cheat. He drops golf balls close to the hole and is not beyond kicking a ball to a better spot. Going to the eighteenth, they are tied. Reaching into his golf bag, Bond opens the jar of L.A. smog. Coldfinger and his caddie cough and curse, but cannot see Bond nor the hole. After a few minutes the air clears.
Bond: “I believe I have a hole in one.”
*An angry Coldfinger gets a double bogey and thus has to buy Bond’s lunch.
*Bond later returns to Miss Kitty Litter’s room. There he finds her dead, frozen in a large block of ice. No doubt this was the work of Coldfinger.
*The next day Bond learns that Coldfinger has taken over the electric plant in Warren, Pennsylvania. Bond goes there and sneaks into the building to see what the villain is up to.
Coldfinger: “Gentlemen, now that we have possession of this key plant, we control the world’s supply of electricity. Anyone who craves air conditioning will pay through the nose! We will make a fortune!”
*At this point Bond, who is pretending to be a hall tree, unintentionally burps. Coldfinger orders his subordinate, Odd Jobber, to get the spy. Bond runs outside but is soon cornered by Odd Jobber, who throws a pointed shoe to dispatch his enemies. Bond ducks under the first throw.
Bond: “This makes me think of the old Ed Sullivan show.”
Odd Jobber: “How’s that?”
Bond: “He was always talking about having a ‘really big shoe!’”
*After another miss with his shoe Odd Jobber is able to corner Bond and begins strangling him. Bond responds by kicking the villain in the knee, which instantly turns the bad guy into a pile of dust. Unfortunately, 250 security forces working for Coldfinger take 007 into custody.
Coldfinger: “You have killed my best killer and friend! I bet he suffered!”
Bond: “No, actually I think he got quite a kick from it!”
Coldfinger: “You will die, Bond, but first I will introduce you to my Grandmother Coldheart.”
Bond: “Well, hello there. You wouldn’t look too bad in a bikini.”
Coldfinger: “Bond, for just one second quit thinking about women! It is now time to kill you!”
Bond: “May I write a last note to my dear mommy?”
Coldfinger: “Okay, but make it snappy.”
*Bond pulls the top off the pen and soon the room is heated to 45 degrees. Coldfinger screams and jumps into the nearest refrigerator. Meanwhile, about 500 of the intelligence agency’s best fighters enter the building and begin a colossal battle with the villain’s army. After cooling off, Coldfinger dumps several ice cubes down his pants and goes after Bond. Eventually he dazes 007 and makes a run for it by jumping into Bond’s car. Unfortunately, the old jalopy has no brakes. We watch as Coldfinger drops off a cliff.”
*Later, back at the Undersecretary’s office:
Undersecretary: “Once again you saved us from the bad guys, 007. I would like to reward you with a vacation, but something horrible is happening in the states. It seems that the Americans play a game called ‘baseball.’ Someone has been stealing bases! Here’s a plane ticket and good luck!”
*Two minutes later the Undersecretary turns on the intercom:
Undersecretary: “Get going, 007; quit flirting with Miss Moneynickle!”