To my surprise, the doctor told me I wasn't retaining water. However, she did say I was retaining pizza, ice cream, cookies, and doughnuts.
Eating, napping, no teeth, toilet troubles. Being a baby is just a practice run for old age.
I hate it when people act so intellectual and talk about Mozart although they've never seen one of his paintings.
CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPER: “The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.”
My cousin suggested horse manure on my strawberries. I didn't like the taste of that, so I'm going back to whipped cream.
A children's pastor asked his young flock: “Why do you think I wear this collar?” One young man answered: “Because it kills ticks and fleas up to 30 days?”
The government's view on the economy: “If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.” Ronald Reagan.
They say we can learn from our mistakes. If I learn from my eight billion goofs, I'll be a genius.
The children were lined up in the cafeteria for lunch. The nun made a note and posted it by the apples: “Take only one. God is watching.” Down the line, where the cookies were, a child left the following note: “Take all you want. God is busy watching the apples.”
When I was a kid there were two ways to die: natural causes and talking back to one's parents!
My grandchildren wanted to know what my childhood years were like, so I took away their phones, unplugged the Internet, blocked all but three channels on the TV, gave them each a Popsicle, and told them to play outside until dark.
Six-year-old children laugh an average of 300 times a day. Adults only laugh 15-100 times a day. Be six again!
Apparently, exercise helps with decision-making. After running five miles this morning I've decided never to do that again!
* ”When I was a boy of 14, my father was ignorant; I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.” Mark Twain.
I'm so old I can remember when you had to actually win to get a trophy.
The other day a police officer stopped my wife, telling her: “This is a one-way street, ma'am!” “So what's the problem?” she asked. “I'm only going one way!”
During labor, the pain is so great that a woman can almost imagine what a man feels like when he has a cold.
The other day my cat clarified our relationship: “Let me explain something to you. I am not your pet; you are mine.”
I just “paid backward” by telling the drive-through person that the guy in the car behind me is paying for my food.
* THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: God always answers prayers, but sometimes He says “no.”