1. (True-False) Although Barack Obama is listed as our 44th president, only 43 men have served in that office.
2. (True-False) Abraham Lincoln was the last president never to have attended college.
3. (True-False) Barack Obama is the first president born outside the continental United States.
4. (True-False) Although Gerald Ford served as both vice-president and president, he was not elected to either office.
5. (True-False) Ronald Reagan is the only divorced man to serve as president.
6. (True-False) For much of his adult life George Washington wore wooden teeth.
7. (True-False) William McKinley is the only native Alaskan to become president.
8. (True-False) Ronald Reagan won the Distinguished Flying Cross as a World War II pilot.
9. (True-False) George Washington is the only president who never lived in the White House.
10. (True-False) John F. Kennedy was the first Roman Catholic to become president.
11. (True-False) John F. Kennedy was the youngest man to become president.
12. (True-False) Abraham Lincoln, the tallest president, stood 6’ 8 “.
13. (True-False) Franklin D. Roosevelt was the first president born in a hospital.
14. (True-False) Only two presidents, Andrew Johnson and Bill Clinton, have stood trial for impeachment.
15. (True-False) After serving as president, William Howard Taft became Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.
16. (True-False) Gerald Ford was originally named Leslie King, Jr.
17. (True-False) William Howard Taft, weighing over 300 pounds, was the heaviest president.
18. (True-False) Barack Obama is a much better basketball player than he is a bowler.
19. (True-False) Often Andrew Johnson wore suits that he himself had made.
20. (True-False) The “Teddy Bear” is named after President Theodore Roosevelt.
21. (True-False) James Monroe is the only president who never married.
22. (True-False) On more than one occasion William Howard Taft got stuck in the White House bathtub.
23. (True-False) President Eisenhower was a golf fanatic.
24. (True-False) Before getting into politics Ronald Reagan was a professional baseball player.
25. (True-False) One of Ronald Reagan’s nicknames was “The Great Communicator.”
ANSWERS: 1. True; Cleveland served two non-consecutive terms, and is listed as both the 22nd and 24th presidents. 2. False; Truman. 3. True; born in Hawaii. 4. True 5. True 6. False 7. False 8. False; George H. Bush 9. True; it was not finished during his administration. 10. True. 11. False; Theodore Roosevelt. 12. False; 6’ 4’’. 13. False; Jimmy Carter. 14. True 15. True 16. True 17. True 18. True 19. True 20. True 21. False; James Buchanan. 22. True 23. True 24. False; actor 25. True.
*** If you missed…
0-1...You are an expert. 8-9...Okay.
2-4...Good job! 10 or more…Needs a little work!
5-7...Not bad!
Friday, March 7, 2014
Friday, February 7, 2014
Never Discuss Dieting with a Comedian
The other day I asked my wife Bev if she had been washing my clothes in extremely hot water.
“No. Why do you ask?”
“Because my pants don’t fit so well; something has shrunk them.”
“That’s not the problem, dear. You’ve put on weight this winter because you eat too much and exercise too little.”
Surely that couldn’t be the problem. I replied: “Honey, I’m really a light eater.”
“That’s true, dear,” she answered. “As soon as the sun comes up and it gets light you start eating.”
“You really think I eat too much?” I asked my better half.
“Let me put it this way, dear; you need to quit having intimate dinners for six unless there are five other people around.”
“Now wait a minute, sweetheart; I eat balanced meals.”
“Yeah, your idea of a balanced meal is holding a piece of pizza in each hand.”
“Do you think I really need to lose weight?” I asked her.
“Well, if you went to the zoo in your present condition the elephants would throw peanuts at you.”
“Last year I tried that seafood diet,” I said to her.
“Do you know why it didn’t work? You’d ‘see food’ and then you would eat it!”
“Oh, aren’t you the comedian! Hey, I’m trying. Last month I was on that new high carbohydrate diet for two weeks.”
“What did you lose?” Bev asked.
“Fourteen days of my life.”
Trying to be helpful, she suggested that I eat more vegetables.
“Does carrot cake count?” I asked.
Her reply: “Dieting is not a piece of cake!”
You’re telling me. For some reason I bristle whenever someone calls me fat; I prefer to be called “calorie challenged.” Heck, I keep trying to lose weight, but somehow it keeps finding me!
Evidently in advice-giving mode, Bev continued: “It would help if you followed your doctor’s orders.”
Defensively I answered: “ I do. Last year when Dr, Smith told me to watch what I eat I took his advice.”
“Yeah, you placed a mirror on the dining room table.”
“Aren’t you the funny one today! Look, I don’t think I’m overweight.”
Bev’s snappy reply: “You’re right. You’re just ten inches too short! Hey, I read about a diet where you can eat anything and as much as you want!”
“That sounds great! How does it work?” I asked.
“You just have to remember not to swallow!”
Later that day I went to the gym, where I lifted weights and ran five miles.
After returning home, my comedian wife stated: “You look awful!”
“It was hard work, but they say exercise adds years to your life,” I countered.
“In your case it certainly did; you look about ninety!”
It’s difficult to change one’s eating habits. As the late, great Erma Bombeck once stated: “I am not a glutton; I am an explorer of food.” Every Saturday night I order a large pizza from my favorite restaurant. Last weekend, in order to cut back, I had the large pizza cut into eight pieces instead of the standard sixteen. So see, I’m trying!
Oh well! Let’s eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we may diet. Then again, we may visit a fast-food restaurant.
“No. Why do you ask?”
“Because my pants don’t fit so well; something has shrunk them.”
“That’s not the problem, dear. You’ve put on weight this winter because you eat too much and exercise too little.”
Surely that couldn’t be the problem. I replied: “Honey, I’m really a light eater.”
“That’s true, dear,” she answered. “As soon as the sun comes up and it gets light you start eating.”
“You really think I eat too much?” I asked my better half.
“Let me put it this way, dear; you need to quit having intimate dinners for six unless there are five other people around.”
“Now wait a minute, sweetheart; I eat balanced meals.”
“Yeah, your idea of a balanced meal is holding a piece of pizza in each hand.”
“Do you think I really need to lose weight?” I asked her.
“Well, if you went to the zoo in your present condition the elephants would throw peanuts at you.”
“Last year I tried that seafood diet,” I said to her.
“Do you know why it didn’t work? You’d ‘see food’ and then you would eat it!”
“Oh, aren’t you the comedian! Hey, I’m trying. Last month I was on that new high carbohydrate diet for two weeks.”
“What did you lose?” Bev asked.
“Fourteen days of my life.”
Trying to be helpful, she suggested that I eat more vegetables.
“Does carrot cake count?” I asked.
Her reply: “Dieting is not a piece of cake!”
You’re telling me. For some reason I bristle whenever someone calls me fat; I prefer to be called “calorie challenged.” Heck, I keep trying to lose weight, but somehow it keeps finding me!
Evidently in advice-giving mode, Bev continued: “It would help if you followed your doctor’s orders.”
Defensively I answered: “ I do. Last year when Dr, Smith told me to watch what I eat I took his advice.”
“Yeah, you placed a mirror on the dining room table.”
“Aren’t you the funny one today! Look, I don’t think I’m overweight.”
Bev’s snappy reply: “You’re right. You’re just ten inches too short! Hey, I read about a diet where you can eat anything and as much as you want!”
“That sounds great! How does it work?” I asked.
“You just have to remember not to swallow!”
Later that day I went to the gym, where I lifted weights and ran five miles.
After returning home, my comedian wife stated: “You look awful!”
“It was hard work, but they say exercise adds years to your life,” I countered.
“In your case it certainly did; you look about ninety!”
It’s difficult to change one’s eating habits. As the late, great Erma Bombeck once stated: “I am not a glutton; I am an explorer of food.” Every Saturday night I order a large pizza from my favorite restaurant. Last weekend, in order to cut back, I had the large pizza cut into eight pieces instead of the standard sixteen. So see, I’m trying!
Oh well! Let’s eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we may diet. Then again, we may visit a fast-food restaurant.
Saturday, January 25, 2014
Shoes
As a child I was the proud owner of two or three pairs of shoes at a time. The everyday shoes were worn until they literally fell apart. Rainy days were dreaded because the water would soak through the cardboard that covered the holes. The “good” pair was worn only when we visited relatives or friends.
You might think, then, that in an effort to make up for the past, I would now be the proud owner of dozens of shoes. Actually, however, I currently own only six pairs, including my old workshoes. For me, comfort always trumps fashion. Once I find a pair of comfortable shoes they become my long-time buddies.
My current favorites, a pair of tennis shoes, are among the most comfortable ones that I have ever owned. Therefore, I tend to wear them whenever I go. This has gotten me into some occasional trouble with my better half. Bev gets especially disturbed when I wear the old reliables to church. I’ve learned to get into the car first, leave it last, and walk behind her. That way she has less of a chance of discovering my transgression.
However, when she does notice, I get a remark such as: “You can’t wear those old shoes to church!”
“Why not?” I protest. “God doesn’t care; He’s just glad that I’m in attendance!”
Her rejoinder is: “Maybe He doesn’t care, but I do!”
My two pairs of dress shoes look nice, no doubt in part because I seldom wear them (when forced to wear a suit I will wear the better looking ones). However, after about three hours they simply kill my feet. The way I look at it, if I need to wear fancy shoes for someone to like me, then that would be a shallow relationship indeed.
One negative side-effect with my tennis shoes is that they squeak loudly whenever the soles are wet. It is rather embarrassing to walk down a crowded isle at the mall while making such an offending racket, but it’s a price I’ll willingly pay for comfort.
A few months ago I made the mistake of buying shoes simply because they were attractive. They are white with red tips and I must admit, they are easy on the eyes. Unfortunately, I soon discovered that they were not so easy on the feet. As a result they’re collecting dust in the bedroom closet.
Whenever my favorite shoes become so ragged that Bev refuses to be seen in public with me, I send them into semi-retirement. Instead of the closet they take up residence in the basement. Whenever I wash the car, cut the grass, or paint the house these old friends are once more called upon to provide comfort to some old, aching feet.
Interestingly, my shoes are not all the same size. My feet are rather small (you know what they say; small feet-large brain!), so often a size 8 ½ fits perfectly. Other times, however, I need a 9 or even a 9 ½! I guess they just don’t make sizes the way they used to!
My wife has a completely different philosophy when it comes to shoes. She’s certainly no Imelda Marcos, who once was quoted as follows: “I did not have 3,000 pairs of shoes; I had one thousand and sixty.” But Bev is the proud owner of what I would estimate to be around thirty pairs of shoes, which is more than the total that I owned during my first twenty years of life.
With all the different types and colors of shoes on display at the various stores, Bev decries the fact that she has only two feet on which to wear them! She equates buying shoes (and purses, dresses, etc.) with happiness. That’s fine and dandy, but I’ll take comfort over fashion and color coordination any old time.
For the life of me I don’t understand how the ladies can tolerate high heels. The other day I watched an old movie in which a woman was tap dancing in those monstrosities! I give her all the credit in the world; I probably couldn’t even walk in them!
Eventually, if we’re so lucky, we get to the point where no shoes, no special dress or pants or even makeup will make us as physically attractive as we were in our younger years. When do you reach that point? The late, great comedianne Phyllis Diller has the answer: “You know you’re old when someone compliments you on (your) alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.”
The best advice: If the shoe fits (comfortably), wear it!
You might think, then, that in an effort to make up for the past, I would now be the proud owner of dozens of shoes. Actually, however, I currently own only six pairs, including my old workshoes. For me, comfort always trumps fashion. Once I find a pair of comfortable shoes they become my long-time buddies.
My current favorites, a pair of tennis shoes, are among the most comfortable ones that I have ever owned. Therefore, I tend to wear them whenever I go. This has gotten me into some occasional trouble with my better half. Bev gets especially disturbed when I wear the old reliables to church. I’ve learned to get into the car first, leave it last, and walk behind her. That way she has less of a chance of discovering my transgression.
However, when she does notice, I get a remark such as: “You can’t wear those old shoes to church!”
“Why not?” I protest. “God doesn’t care; He’s just glad that I’m in attendance!”
Her rejoinder is: “Maybe He doesn’t care, but I do!”
My two pairs of dress shoes look nice, no doubt in part because I seldom wear them (when forced to wear a suit I will wear the better looking ones). However, after about three hours they simply kill my feet. The way I look at it, if I need to wear fancy shoes for someone to like me, then that would be a shallow relationship indeed.
One negative side-effect with my tennis shoes is that they squeak loudly whenever the soles are wet. It is rather embarrassing to walk down a crowded isle at the mall while making such an offending racket, but it’s a price I’ll willingly pay for comfort.
A few months ago I made the mistake of buying shoes simply because they were attractive. They are white with red tips and I must admit, they are easy on the eyes. Unfortunately, I soon discovered that they were not so easy on the feet. As a result they’re collecting dust in the bedroom closet.
Whenever my favorite shoes become so ragged that Bev refuses to be seen in public with me, I send them into semi-retirement. Instead of the closet they take up residence in the basement. Whenever I wash the car, cut the grass, or paint the house these old friends are once more called upon to provide comfort to some old, aching feet.
Interestingly, my shoes are not all the same size. My feet are rather small (you know what they say; small feet-large brain!), so often a size 8 ½ fits perfectly. Other times, however, I need a 9 or even a 9 ½! I guess they just don’t make sizes the way they used to!
My wife has a completely different philosophy when it comes to shoes. She’s certainly no Imelda Marcos, who once was quoted as follows: “I did not have 3,000 pairs of shoes; I had one thousand and sixty.” But Bev is the proud owner of what I would estimate to be around thirty pairs of shoes, which is more than the total that I owned during my first twenty years of life.
With all the different types and colors of shoes on display at the various stores, Bev decries the fact that she has only two feet on which to wear them! She equates buying shoes (and purses, dresses, etc.) with happiness. That’s fine and dandy, but I’ll take comfort over fashion and color coordination any old time.
For the life of me I don’t understand how the ladies can tolerate high heels. The other day I watched an old movie in which a woman was tap dancing in those monstrosities! I give her all the credit in the world; I probably couldn’t even walk in them!
Eventually, if we’re so lucky, we get to the point where no shoes, no special dress or pants or even makeup will make us as physically attractive as we were in our younger years. When do you reach that point? The late, great comedianne Phyllis Diller has the answer: “You know you’re old when someone compliments you on (your) alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.”
The best advice: If the shoe fits (comfortably), wear it!
Sunday, January 12, 2014
Marriage
1. “When one finds a worthy wife, her value is far beyond pearls. Her husband, entrusting his heart to her, has an unfailing prize.” Proverbs 31:10-11.
2. “A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.” Mignon McLaughlin.
3. “It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.” Friedrich Nietzsche.
4. “Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?” Groucho Marx.
5. “I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.” Red Skelton.
6. “To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup
Whenever you’re wrong admit it
Whenever you’re right shut up.” Ogden Nash.
7. “Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.” Oscar Wilde.
8. “Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.” Anonymous.
9. “In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find, and continue to find, grounds for marriage.” Robert Anderson.
10. “When a man opens the car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” Prince Phillip.
11. “My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.” Henny Youngman.
12. “I was married by a judge; I should have asked for a jury.” Groucho Marx.
13. “Don’t marry the person you think you can live with; marry only the individual you think you can’t live without.” James C. Dobson.
14. “I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person to annoy for the rest of your life.” Rita Rudner.
15. “A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.” Robert Quillen.
16. “Therefore, shall man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife; and they shall be one flesh.” Genesis 2:24.
17. “My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.” Jack Benny.
18. “Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of joy, you must have somebody to divide it with.” Mark Twain.
19. “Sexiness wears thin after a while and beauty fades, but to be married to a man who makes you laugh every day, ah, now that’s a real treat.” Joanne Woodward.
20. “We are told that people stay in love because of chemistry, or because they remain intrigued with each other, because of many kindnesses, because of luck. But part of it has got to be forgiveness and gratefulness.” Ellen Goodman.
21. “Marriage is a commitment-a decision to do, all through life, that which will express your love for one’s spouse.” Herman H. Kieval.
22. “Marriage is like a fine wine; as it ages it gets better.” Anonymous.
23. “You know it’s never fifty-fifty in a marriage. It’s always seventy-thirty, or sixty-forty. Someone falls in love first. Someone puts someone else up on a pedestal. Someone works very hard to keep things rolling smoothly; someone else sails along for the ride.” Jodi Picoutt.
24. “Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” Phyllis Diller.
25. “Marriage is a mosaic you build with your spouse- millions of tiny moments create your love story.” Jennifer Smith.
2. “A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.” Mignon McLaughlin.
3. “It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.” Friedrich Nietzsche.
4. “Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?” Groucho Marx.
5. “I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.” Red Skelton.
6. “To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup
Whenever you’re wrong admit it
Whenever you’re right shut up.” Ogden Nash.
7. “Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.” Oscar Wilde.
8. “Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.” Anonymous.
9. “In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find, and continue to find, grounds for marriage.” Robert Anderson.
10. “When a man opens the car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” Prince Phillip.
11. “My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.” Henny Youngman.
12. “I was married by a judge; I should have asked for a jury.” Groucho Marx.
13. “Don’t marry the person you think you can live with; marry only the individual you think you can’t live without.” James C. Dobson.
14. “I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person to annoy for the rest of your life.” Rita Rudner.
15. “A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.” Robert Quillen.
16. “Therefore, shall man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife; and they shall be one flesh.” Genesis 2:24.
17. “My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.” Jack Benny.
18. “Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of joy, you must have somebody to divide it with.” Mark Twain.
19. “Sexiness wears thin after a while and beauty fades, but to be married to a man who makes you laugh every day, ah, now that’s a real treat.” Joanne Woodward.
20. “We are told that people stay in love because of chemistry, or because they remain intrigued with each other, because of many kindnesses, because of luck. But part of it has got to be forgiveness and gratefulness.” Ellen Goodman.
21. “Marriage is a commitment-a decision to do, all through life, that which will express your love for one’s spouse.” Herman H. Kieval.
22. “Marriage is like a fine wine; as it ages it gets better.” Anonymous.
23. “You know it’s never fifty-fifty in a marriage. It’s always seventy-thirty, or sixty-forty. Someone falls in love first. Someone puts someone else up on a pedestal. Someone works very hard to keep things rolling smoothly; someone else sails along for the ride.” Jodi Picoutt.
24. “Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” Phyllis Diller.
25. “Marriage is a mosaic you build with your spouse- millions of tiny moments create your love story.” Jennifer Smith.
Sunday, December 29, 2013
On the Golf Course
For most of my life I’ve been a sports fan. I’ve spent hundreds if not thousands of hours watching football and basketball games, and occasionally I’ll even catch a few innings of baseball, but I just can’t watch golf on TV. It’s just too weird listening to announcers speak in whispered tones.
Unfortunately, I’ve never had any golf lessons, and as a result the three or four times I’ve been on a course have been a disaster. The other day Bob, my fanatical golf friend, invited me to join him for eighteen holes. Why do I say he’s a fanatic? On his wedding day he brought his golf clubs to the church. When he was questioned by his wife-to-be, he replied: “Certainly the wedding won’t take all day!” Twenty years later she asked Bob if he remembered the day they were married. “Of course I do,” he replied. “That’s the time I had two birdies and an eagle.”
Anyway, after getting to the first hole Bob spent about three minutes giving me instructions. After arranging my stance he told me to address the ball. “Hello, ball!” I exclaimed. Bob was not amused, but the two ladies waiting behind us thought I was hilarious. If they thought that was funny, they should have watched me go on to kill earthworms, tear up huge clumps of soil, and knock bark off trees.
So after I got into the proper stance and took a few practice swings, I yelled “eight” and proceeded to hit a booming forty-foot drive into a thicket to the right of the fairway.
“What are you doing?” Bob screamed. “Why are you yelling ‘eight?’ If you have to yell something, say ‘fore!’”
Looking back at him with a straight face, I replied: “There’s no way I’m going to do this hole in four strokes. Even eight is overly optimistic.”
Golf is not an easy game. Sometimes even great athletes struggle. For example, Hank Aaron, one of the all-time baseball greats, said the following: “It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.” That’s nothing, Henry; I must have had three thousand hits on the first hole to go along with several swings-and misses.
There seems to be an unwritten law of golf that a slow group will be in front of you while a fast group will be right behind you, urging you to speed up your game, which, of course, is impossible with the slow-pokes in front. This situation puts a lot of pressure on a duffer like me.
The great Yankee player Yogi Berra supposedly once said that one cannot think and hit a baseball at the same time. That goes for golf, too. I did much better by just placing the ball on the tee, getting into my stance, and blasting away. Most of my “worm-burners” and slices came about when I put too much thought into what I was trying to accomplish.
After completing the fifth hole I asked Bob what might be wrong with my game. “You ‘re standing too close to the ball-after you’ve hit it,” he solemnly replied. I asked him how he gets so much backspin on his shots. “Your tee shots are only going about fifty-five yards,” he replied. “Why would you want to have any backspin?” Good point.
Bob is a decent golfer, but occasionally he cheats, and as they say, a golfer who swears that he never cheats is also a liar. He’s what you might call a scratch golfer; he writes down all his good scores and scratches off the bad ones. Of course, I’m one of the few players who needs a calculator to keep score.
An important rule of golf was learned that day: no matter how badly you are playing, you can and will get worse. The closest thing I came to a birdie was on hole eleven when my shot banged off a gigantic pine tree, startling a poor woodpecker that was searching for bugs. At least I didn’t come close to getting an eagle; they’re endangered, you know.
You don’t think Bob is a golf nut? By the time we reached the twelfth hole a heavy rain was falling. He proceeded to make fun of the “idiots” he spotted fishing in a nearby river. On the other hand, as far as Bob is concerned, it’s never too wet to play golf until the cart capsizes.
Am I really a terrible golfer? Let me put it this way: I’ve had a good day if I don’t fall out of the cart. Unfortunately I didn’t get a hole-in-one, or even a hole-in-four, for that matter. On the thirteenth, however, which was one of my better holes, I sank a two-foot putt for a hole-in-eleven!
Remember, golf spelled backwards is “flog,” and that aptly describes what I did to the golf balls all day on that course. Mark
Twain had it right: “Golf is a good walk spoiled.”
In the future I’ll stick with bowling. Although my scores in both sports are similar, I only lose one or two bowling balls per game.
Unfortunately, I’ve never had any golf lessons, and as a result the three or four times I’ve been on a course have been a disaster. The other day Bob, my fanatical golf friend, invited me to join him for eighteen holes. Why do I say he’s a fanatic? On his wedding day he brought his golf clubs to the church. When he was questioned by his wife-to-be, he replied: “Certainly the wedding won’t take all day!” Twenty years later she asked Bob if he remembered the day they were married. “Of course I do,” he replied. “That’s the time I had two birdies and an eagle.”
Anyway, after getting to the first hole Bob spent about three minutes giving me instructions. After arranging my stance he told me to address the ball. “Hello, ball!” I exclaimed. Bob was not amused, but the two ladies waiting behind us thought I was hilarious. If they thought that was funny, they should have watched me go on to kill earthworms, tear up huge clumps of soil, and knock bark off trees.
So after I got into the proper stance and took a few practice swings, I yelled “eight” and proceeded to hit a booming forty-foot drive into a thicket to the right of the fairway.
“What are you doing?” Bob screamed. “Why are you yelling ‘eight?’ If you have to yell something, say ‘fore!’”
Looking back at him with a straight face, I replied: “There’s no way I’m going to do this hole in four strokes. Even eight is overly optimistic.”
Golf is not an easy game. Sometimes even great athletes struggle. For example, Hank Aaron, one of the all-time baseball greats, said the following: “It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.” That’s nothing, Henry; I must have had three thousand hits on the first hole to go along with several swings-and misses.
There seems to be an unwritten law of golf that a slow group will be in front of you while a fast group will be right behind you, urging you to speed up your game, which, of course, is impossible with the slow-pokes in front. This situation puts a lot of pressure on a duffer like me.
The great Yankee player Yogi Berra supposedly once said that one cannot think and hit a baseball at the same time. That goes for golf, too. I did much better by just placing the ball on the tee, getting into my stance, and blasting away. Most of my “worm-burners” and slices came about when I put too much thought into what I was trying to accomplish.
After completing the fifth hole I asked Bob what might be wrong with my game. “You ‘re standing too close to the ball-after you’ve hit it,” he solemnly replied. I asked him how he gets so much backspin on his shots. “Your tee shots are only going about fifty-five yards,” he replied. “Why would you want to have any backspin?” Good point.
Bob is a decent golfer, but occasionally he cheats, and as they say, a golfer who swears that he never cheats is also a liar. He’s what you might call a scratch golfer; he writes down all his good scores and scratches off the bad ones. Of course, I’m one of the few players who needs a calculator to keep score.
An important rule of golf was learned that day: no matter how badly you are playing, you can and will get worse. The closest thing I came to a birdie was on hole eleven when my shot banged off a gigantic pine tree, startling a poor woodpecker that was searching for bugs. At least I didn’t come close to getting an eagle; they’re endangered, you know.
You don’t think Bob is a golf nut? By the time we reached the twelfth hole a heavy rain was falling. He proceeded to make fun of the “idiots” he spotted fishing in a nearby river. On the other hand, as far as Bob is concerned, it’s never too wet to play golf until the cart capsizes.
Am I really a terrible golfer? Let me put it this way: I’ve had a good day if I don’t fall out of the cart. Unfortunately I didn’t get a hole-in-one, or even a hole-in-four, for that matter. On the thirteenth, however, which was one of my better holes, I sank a two-foot putt for a hole-in-eleven!
Remember, golf spelled backwards is “flog,” and that aptly describes what I did to the golf balls all day on that course. Mark
Twain had it right: “Golf is a good walk spoiled.”
In the future I’ll stick with bowling. Although my scores in both sports are similar, I only lose one or two bowling balls per game.
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Roasting Congress
* ”This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.” Will Rogers.
* “Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.” Mark Twain.
* “You can lead a man to Congress, but you can’t make him think.” Milton Berle.
* “I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is a disgrace, that two become a law firm, and that three or more become a congress.” John Adams.
* “I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress.” Ronald Reagan.
* “We may not imagine how our lives could be more frustrating and complex-but Congress can!” Cullen Hightower.
* “It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.” Mark Twain.
* “Asking an incumbent member of Congress to vote for term limits is a bit like asking a chicken to vote for Colonel Sanders.” Congressman Bob Inglis.
* “I don’t mind what Congress does as long as they don’t do it in the streets and frighten the horses.” Victor Hugo.
* “The American Republic will endure until the day Congress discovers that it can bribe the public with the public’s money.” Alexis de Tocqueville.
* “The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn’t get worse every time Congress meets.” Will Rogers.
* “There are 249 millionaires in Congress. See, crime does pay!” Jay Leno.
* “A government big enough to give you everything you want is big enough to take away everything you have.” Thomas Jefferson.
* “We have the right as individuals to give away as much of our own money as we please in charity, but as members of Congress we have no right to appropriate a dollar of the public money.” Davy Crockett.
* “Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for.” Will Rogers.
* “Fleas can be taught nearly anything that a Congressman can.” Mark Twain.
* “With Congress, every time they make a joke it’s a law, and every time they make a law it’s a joke.” Will Rogers.
* “All Congresses and Parliaments have a kindly feeling for idiots, and a compassion for them, on account of personal experience and heredity.” Mark Twain.
* “No man’s life, liberty or fortune is safe while our legislature is in session.” Benjamin Franklin.
* “The Constitution is not an instrument for the government to restrain the people. It is an instrument for the people to restrain the government lest it comes to dominate our lives and interests.” Patrick Henry.
* “Ancient Rome declined because it had a Senate. Now what’s going to happen to us with both a House and a Senate?” Will Rogers.
* “Congress-bingo with billions.” Red Skelton.
* “If the present Congress errs in too much talking, how can it be otherwise in a body to which the people send one hundred and fifty lawyers, whose trade it is to question everything, yield nothing, and talk by the hour?” Thomas Jefferson.
* “I’m not saying this Congress is bad at its job. I’m just saying that this Congress is equivalent to a skunk with its head in a jar of Skippy peanut butter.” Jon Stewart.
* “Congress is the finest body of men money can buy.” Will Rogers.
* “A new Gallup poll shows that only 1 in 10 Americans approves of the job Congress is doing. A 10 percent rating is about the same approval rating that rabies has.” Jimmy Kimmel.
* “Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.” Mark Twain.
* “You can lead a man to Congress, but you can’t make him think.” Milton Berle.
* “I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is a disgrace, that two become a law firm, and that three or more become a congress.” John Adams.
* “I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress.” Ronald Reagan.
* “We may not imagine how our lives could be more frustrating and complex-but Congress can!” Cullen Hightower.
* “It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.” Mark Twain.
* “Asking an incumbent member of Congress to vote for term limits is a bit like asking a chicken to vote for Colonel Sanders.” Congressman Bob Inglis.
* “I don’t mind what Congress does as long as they don’t do it in the streets and frighten the horses.” Victor Hugo.
* “The American Republic will endure until the day Congress discovers that it can bribe the public with the public’s money.” Alexis de Tocqueville.
* “The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn’t get worse every time Congress meets.” Will Rogers.
* “There are 249 millionaires in Congress. See, crime does pay!” Jay Leno.
* “A government big enough to give you everything you want is big enough to take away everything you have.” Thomas Jefferson.
* “We have the right as individuals to give away as much of our own money as we please in charity, but as members of Congress we have no right to appropriate a dollar of the public money.” Davy Crockett.
* “Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for.” Will Rogers.
* “Fleas can be taught nearly anything that a Congressman can.” Mark Twain.
* “With Congress, every time they make a joke it’s a law, and every time they make a law it’s a joke.” Will Rogers.
* “All Congresses and Parliaments have a kindly feeling for idiots, and a compassion for them, on account of personal experience and heredity.” Mark Twain.
* “No man’s life, liberty or fortune is safe while our legislature is in session.” Benjamin Franklin.
* “The Constitution is not an instrument for the government to restrain the people. It is an instrument for the people to restrain the government lest it comes to dominate our lives and interests.” Patrick Henry.
* “Ancient Rome declined because it had a Senate. Now what’s going to happen to us with both a House and a Senate?” Will Rogers.
* “Congress-bingo with billions.” Red Skelton.
* “If the present Congress errs in too much talking, how can it be otherwise in a body to which the people send one hundred and fifty lawyers, whose trade it is to question everything, yield nothing, and talk by the hour?” Thomas Jefferson.
* “I’m not saying this Congress is bad at its job. I’m just saying that this Congress is equivalent to a skunk with its head in a jar of Skippy peanut butter.” Jon Stewart.
* “Congress is the finest body of men money can buy.” Will Rogers.
* “A new Gallup poll shows that only 1 in 10 Americans approves of the job Congress is doing. A 10 percent rating is about the same approval rating that rabies has.” Jimmy Kimmel.
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