Things to Think About

All dogs deserve a home, but not all homes deserve a dog.

• “I'm sure wherever my dad is, he's looking down on us. He's not dead, just very condescending.” Jake Whitehall.

• Are slugs just divorced male snails?

• “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” Steve Martin.

• I must be getting old. Now it takes me all day to get nothing done.

• A sign in the restaurant's restroom said: “Employers Must Wash Hands.” I waited for twenty minutes but no employee showed up.

• “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.” Abraham Lincoln.

• My mouth waters whenever I smell a steak. I wonder if a vegan's mouth waters whenever he mows the lawn.

• “Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.” Sam Levenson.

• Shouldn't tossing and turning at night count as exercise?

• I became a legend in the Old West, not for being a cowboy or a villain, but for being a comic. I was known as Billy the Kidder.

• “If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.” Steve Wright.

• “By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” Robert Frost.

• “Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.” Greg Tamblyn.

• “Twenty years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope, and Steve Jobs. Now we have no cash, no hope, and no jobs. Please don't let Kevin Bacon die.” Bill Murray.

• “Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.” Dennis Whiley.

• If you're not supposed to eat at night, then why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?

• “The problem with stealing quotes off the Internet is you never know if they are genuine.” George Washington.

• “Always go to other people's funerals. Otherwise, they won't come to yours.” Yogi Berra.

• We can't even rob Peter to pay Paul anymore. Peter's also broke.

• “Free speech is only relevant if we allow people that you don't like to say things you don't like.” Elan Musk.

• “I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I'm lying.” Rita Rudner.

• Sometimes I wonder why I'm not in an insane asylum. Then I look around and realize I already am.

• “Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” Will Ferrell.

 

Everything has Shrunk

Looking at the past, it seems certain things have shrunk. For example, I remember that the lot around my childhood home was at least the size of the Ponderosa in the old TV western, Bonanza. We had to start over again after we finished mowing it. The land must have covered two or three time zones., or at least that's how it seemed.

 Upon occasionally driving past the old place, I notice that the front yard is no more than a large postage stamp! Did somebody steal most of our yard? How can our minds trick us in such ways?

Shortly before our old elementary school was demolished, my brother and I paid a visit. Surprisingly, as we strolled through the halls and rooms, I could remember the paintings on the walls, the old wooden floors, and where I sat in each grade! Heck, I could even remember the names of the students who sat close to me and the teacher who accompanied each room. Yet, I had the impression that the entire building had shrunk considerably. I swear that back in the day the ceilings were higher, the halls were wider, and the desks were bigger. Of course, in those days I was smaller than I am today.

I began watching college basketball regularly in 1963 (Yes, smarty pants; TV existed back then). Occasionally I'll recall those contests, but my brain, acting as editor, has updated my memory. My brain tells me that those players from long ago were no different from the current athletes. In my mind, those earlier players now are as big as today's counterparts. They wore modern-day outfits and ran today's offensive sets.

However, recently I had a day of reckoning. On one of the local channels, they showed basketball clips from the early '60s. For the most part, the players were skinnier and shorter than today's players, and their basketball pants could serve today as underwear. In addition, those guys were running some kind of offense that no college would use today.

During childhood days even our town seemed huge. I remember going downtown with Dad to “pay the bills.” Back in those days, most of the stores were located there, and, of course, one didn't pay bills via computer. Those were the days before expressways, so all the major traffic snaked its way through the downtown section, making it seem as if our little town was a huge metropolis. I can remember Dad driving around the block numerous times, waiting for someone to leave his parking space for us.

At that time our seemingly large city had a population of 40,000, so it was not exactly Los Angeles or Chicago. At the time, the downtown buildings seemed like giants, but most of them were only two or three stories. The tallest building, if I remember correctly, had six stories, so it was far from being a skyscraper.

When I was a kid just about all the adults seemed like giants, although many of the women were 5'6” or less. There was one elementary teacher, however, who was shorter than many of her students. What she lacked in height she made up in girth, for she was built like a nose guard. The difference was this: nose guards aren't as mean as this particular teacher was. I would not be surprised to learn she ate kids for breakfast!

As adults, perhaps why we feel things from the past have shrunk is simply because as children, relatively speaking, most things were bigger than we were. Until I was nine or ten my older sister actually was bigger and stronger than I, and, of course, often she took advantage of that fact by wrestling me to the floor and pinning me down. Eventually, I grew enough to turn the tables, but then she squealed to Mom, so that was the end of it. (I'm still plotting my revenge!)

When it comes to shrinkage, one thing is not an illusion. Over the years I've lost 2 ½ inches in height! This is a normal event that happens to us all as we age. Over time, our bones and vertebrae and other such things compress. I bet the great basketball player, Kareem Abdul- Jabbar, is now not more than 7' 0” tall. As for me, at the rate I'm going, in ten more years I'll be a prime candidate to play a munchkin in a remake of The Wizard of Oz.

All this leads me to one conclusion. Memories, especially memories from long ago, should be taken with a grain of salt. As time goes by, our brains busily edit our memories, but not every brain edits an event in the same way. That's why my siblings and I do not always remember things in the same way. But don't listen to my sister; she really did wrestle me to the floor for several years, so she's guilty as charged! 

Dear Gabby

 Dear Gabby

* Have a problem? Write to “Dear Gabby.” She might not be able to help you, but she’ll always have an interesting reply to your predicament.

Dear Gabby: My wife is extremely close to her father. Once I asked if her dad and I were both falling out of a plane, and she could only save one of us, which one would it be? I was hurt to the core when she answered “Dad.” What should I do? Answer: Buy a parachute.

Dear Gabby: Ten years ago I met a lady I believed was “Miss Right,” but the marriage ended in just two years. What went wrong? Answer: You did not realize her first name was “Always.”

Dear Gabby: A friend told me that eating carrots improves one’s eyesight. Is that true? Answer: It must be. Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?

Dear Gabby: What would you call a guy at the office who knows nothing but tells everybody else what to do and how to do it? Answer: “Boss.”

Dear Gabby: Alice and I were very happy for the first twenty-five years, but now all we do is fight. What went wrong? Answer: After twenty-five years you met each other.

Dear Gabby: It seems I’m always forgiving my husband for one thing or another. Is that wrong? Answer: No. A good wife is always willing to forgive a husband whenever she’s wrong.

Dear Gabby: My former best friend has stolen my husband. What would be the best revenge? Answer: Let her have him.

Dear Gabby: How can I get my husband to be more attentive and to listen carefully to everything I say? Answer: Talk in your sleep.

Dear Gabby: I believe a man is incomplete until he gets married. Do you agree? Answer: Yes. Then he’s finished.

Dear Gabby: For the last six months my husband has been acting like he is a chicken. Should I be concerned? Answer: No. Just enjoy the free eggs.

Dear Gabby: My wife has been hounding me to take her someplace she’s never been. Any suggestions? Answer: Take her to your kitchen.

Dear Gabby: I’d like to find a 60-year-old man with no major faults. Will this task be difficult? Answer: Why don’t you seek something easier, like world peace?

Dear Gabby: My husband tells me my teeth remind him of the stars. Is this a compliment? Answer: Yes, if he means that they are bright and gleaming. No, if they remind him of stars because they come out at night.

Dear Gabby: Since I work at a bakery, I am allowed to take home as many free cookies as I want. Will they make me fat? Answer: Only if you eat them.

Dear Gabby: There is a new “Divorced Barbie” doll out. What comes with it? Answer: Everything that Ken had owns.

Dear Gabby: Shouldn’t marriage be when two people become one? Answer: Yes, but the problem is deciding which one.

Dear Gabby: How can I learn about all my deficiencies? Answer: Get married.

Dear Gabby: In this country so much emphasis is placed upon physical beauty. Is there any benefit to being ugly? Answer: Yes. You don’t have to buy a Halloween mask.

Dear Gabby: I’ve always wanted to learn about my family history but I have no money to pursue that activity. What should I do? Answer: Run for public office.

Dear Gabby: I weigh over 400 pounds. Is my weight problem simply a result of a lack of willpower? Answer: No. Your problem is most likely due to a lack of “won’t power.”

Dear Gabby: Two friends and I were deep-sea fishing when the boat began to leak. Luckily, we landed on a deserted island before the boat sank. One of my friends, an attorney, swam through shark-infested waters to get help. Unbelievably, not one shark touched him. Can you explain this? Answer: Professional courtesy.

Dear Gabby: My wife of twenty-five years left me and took our dog with her. How will I ever recover from this tragedy? Answer: I don’t know. A good dog is hard to find.

Dear Gabby: I’ve been told that I have bad breath. Is this an awful condition? Answer: It could be worse; you could have no breath at all. Then you would be dead.

Take it from a Former Super Hero: Superman would have Vaporized the Batman

Several years ago I was offended while watching a movie about two great superheroes-Superman and Batman-engaged in mortal combat. My anger grew as Batman killed the second-best superhero ever (next to my cousin). The idea of such a thing is preposterous.

During my childhood years, I spent many hours collecting discarded pop bottles so that the deposits on each could be redeemed. Usually, the money never left the store; I'd buy the latest Superman or Batman comic books. Every now and then the two crime fighters would be featured together! They worked well as a team, and each respected his partner.

I am not just your ordinary citizen speaking here. While still little kids, my cousin and I became superheroes in our own right. Donning bath towels on our backs and sacks over our faces, “Super Dave” (Who happens to be, in my humble opinion, the number one crime fighter of all time) and I saved many chickens, ducks, and hogs living on our grandfather's farm from a fate worse than death (Unfortunately, their arch-enemy-Grandpa-butchered many of these hapless creatures while we were not there to protect them).

Due to back and knee problems, I have been forced to retire from the Legion of Super Dudes, but I've heard that my cousin, although semi-retired, still occasionally leaps (okay, shuffles) into action. Although he no longer handles such big cases as dealing with invaders from Mars, Super Dave can still be seen giving citations for jaywalking and spitting on the sidewalk.

Several summers ago, while my son was home from college for summer vacation, I amazed him by remembering the most minute details of old Zorro TV shows. Evidently, I had this great power of recall simply because I loved the show so much. On the other hand, please do not ask me what I had for breakfast today (Did I have breakfast?).

Many moons ago, after much begging and pleading, my parents finally bought me a Zorro outfit consisting of a cape, mask, hat, and plastic sword. Chalk on the end of the sword was optional. Despite my pleas, Dad would not get me the sword with the chalk, for he was afraid I'd write on his walls. Being a superhero, I would never do that, but I can't vouch for my sisters (I still wouldn't trust them with chalk).

Anyway, on an extremely cold winter evening, the family walked over to our neighbor's house for a little social time. As usual, after exiting the house Mom locked the door. A few hours later, upon our return, we discovered that neither Dad nor Mom had a key! Were we doomed to freeze to death? Not when there was a superhero around!

Our house was pretty old, so it came equipped with a little chute for dumping coal into a basement room. After Dad opened it, I handed my sister my trusty sword before sliding down a pile of coal into the murky darkness. Kids, don't try this. Only trained superheroes should ever attempt such a dangerous feat.

Feeling along one of the walls, I finally found the doorknob. After entering the main part of the basement, I carefully worked my way up the darkened stairs. Once in the kitchen, I flipped on the lights before unlocking the door to the living room.

Just think, if we had not had a trained superhero in the family, the next day neighbors would have discovered six frozen carcasses lying in the driveway. As a gesture of appreciation, I think my siblings should chip in for a statue of my own likeness. Nothing big-maybe just twenty feet high or so, with proper lighting during the hours of darkness.

Anyway, as you can see, I am an expert on superheroes. One super dude would never attempt to kill another one! I must have read a few thousand Superman and Batman comic books during my youthful years, and I can tell you that I never read about those two great crime fighters arguing, let alone trying to kill each other.

In the movie, Batman collected kryptonite, the only thing (besides the Lawrence Welk Show) that can kill Superman. Well, Superman is no dummy. If Batman tried to destroy him, the “Caped Crusader” would simply get into position about a mile away before using his heat vision to turn Batman into a pile of ashes. End of story.

We superheroes take an oath to do only good things. Remember that the next time Super Dave gives you a ticket for jay walking or smacks you in the shin with his cane. It's all for your own good. You're welcome.