Jokes to Tickle Your Funny Bone

• To my surprise, the doctor told me I wasn't retaining water. However, she did say I was retaining pizza, ice cream, cookies, and doughnuts.

• Eating, napping, no teeth, toilet troubles. Being a baby is just a practice run for old age.

• I hate it when people act so intellectual and talk about Mozart although they've never seen one of his paintings.

• CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPER: “The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.”

• My cousin suggested horse manure on my strawberries. I didn't like the taste of that, so I'm going back to whipped cream.

• A children's pastor asked his young flock: “Why do you think I wear this collar?” One young man answered: “Because it kills ticks and fleas up to 30 days?”

• The government's view on the economy: “If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.” Ronald Reagan.

• They say we can learn from our mistakes. If I learn from my eight billion goofs, I'll be a genius.

• The children were lined up in the cafeteria for lunch. The nun made a note and posted it by the apples: “Take only one. God is watching.” Down the line, where the cookies were, a child left the following note: “Take all you want. God is busy watching the apples.”

• When I was a kid there were two ways to die: natural causes and talking back to one's parents!

• My grandchildren wanted to know what my childhood years were like, so I took away their phones, unplugged the Internet, blocked all but three channels on the TV, gave them each a Popsicle, and told them to play outside until dark.

• Six-year-old children laugh an average of 300 times a day. Adults only laugh 15-100 times a day. Be six again!

• Apparently, exercise helps with decision-making. After running five miles this morning I've decided never to do that again!

* ”When I was a boy of 14, my father was ignorant; I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.” Mark Twain.

• I'm so old I can remember when you had to actually win to get a trophy.

• The other day a police officer stopped my wife, telling her: “This is a one-way street, ma'am!” “So what's the problem?” she asked. “I'm only going one way!”

• During labor, the pain is so great that a woman can almost imagine what a man feels like when he has a cold.

• The other day my cat clarified our relationship: “Let me explain something to you. I am not your pet; you are mine.”

• I just “paid backward” by telling the drive-through person that the guy in the car behind me is paying for my food.

* THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: God always answers prayers, but sometimes He says “no.”

All About Baseball

 

“If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.” Phyllis Diller

• “Baseball players are smarter than football players. How often do you see a baseball team penalized for too many men on the field?” Jim Bouton

• “So I'm ugly. So what? I never saw anyone hit with his face.” Yogi Berra

• “Baseball, it is said, is only a game. True. And the Grand Canyon is only a hole in Arizona.” George Will

• “Close don't count in baseball. Close only counts in horseshoes and grenades.” Frank Robinson

• “A man once told me to walk with the Lord. I'd rather walk with the bases loaded.” Ken Singleton

• “The secret of successful managing is to keep the five guys who hate you away from the four guys who haven't made up their minds.” Casey Stengel

• “I'd walk through h_ _ _ in a gasoline suit to play baseball.” Pete Rose

• “If it wasn't for baseball, I'd be in either the penitentiary or the cemetery.” Babe Ruth

• “Trying to sneak a fastball past Hank Aaron is like trying to sneak a sunrise past a rooster.” Joe Adcock

• “He hits from both sides of the plate. He's amphibious.” Yogi Berra

• “Baseball is like church. Many attend, but few understand.” Leo Durocher

• “Baseball is dull only to dull minds.” Red Barber

• “Bob Gibson is the luckiest pitcher I ever saw. He always pitches when the other team doesn't score any runs.” Tim McCarver

• “Little League baseball is a very good thing because it keeps the parents off the streets.” Yogi Berra

• “Baseball is the only field of endeavor where a man can succeed three times out of ten and be considered a good performer.” Ted Williams

• “Being with a woman at night never hurt no professional baseball player. It's staying up all night looking for a woman that does him in.” Casey Stengel.

• “You spend a good piece of your life gripping a baseball and in the end, it turns out that it was the other way around all the time.” Jim Bouton

• “The other sports are just sports. Baseball is a love.” Bryant Gumbel

• “They say some of my stars drink whiskey. But I have found that the ones who drink milkshakes don't win many ballgames.” Casey Stengel

• “Baseball is 90% mental and the other half is physical.” Yogi Berra

• “People ask me what I do in winter when there's no baseball. I'll tell you what I do. I stare out the window and wait for spring.” Rogers Hornsby.

• “You could be a kid for as long as you want when you play baseball.” Cal Ripkin Jr.

A Special Homecoming Queen

 A Special Homecoming Queen 

The Ohio State University, originally known as the Agricultural and Mechanical College, began “Ohio State Day” in 1912. Later changed to “Homecoming,” the event was created to bring alumni back to campus each year. A key part of the festivities included electing a Homecoming Queen.

To be selected Homecoming Queen, much like being selected to be a cheerleader, is a prestigious award for which most young women can only dream. In 1926, the OSU College of Agriculture nominated one Maudine Ormsby to rule over that year’s Homecoming festivities, but the young lady had two humongous problems to overcome. First of all, although she was seen around campus and ate her meals there, Maudine was not registered as a student at the Ohio State University. Secondly, unlike many of her fellow coeds, she was not exactly beautiful, at least not in the conventional sense of the word. Indeed, she was a large gal; she might have been the heaviest female on campus. On the other hand, Ms. Ormsby was ahead of her times, for she was one of the few practicing vegetarians in the region.

To the surprise of college officials, this rather homely female was elected Homecoming Queen in 1926. Those officials, perhaps with smiles on their faces, had refused to disqualify Ms. Ormsby over the technicality of not being enrolled, and as for her looks, no doubt the Ohio State brain trust realized that real, lasting beauty lies within the soul.

Surprisingly, the alumni and the students were more excited about Maudine’s victory than she was. She went along with the festivities but never displayed either nervousness or excitement. She neither smiled nor frowned as the crown and cape were placed upon her. For Ms. Ormsby, it was just another day.

Later that evening, after the parade and other festivities had been completed, Maudine skipped the big dance. Perhaps that was a good decision, for she didn’t look like the most agile gal in the world. In fact, she could be described as having four left feet. So instead of attending the dance she contentedly spent her evening at a barn not far from the main campus.

You see, Maudine Ormsby was a cow. No, I’m not an insensitive male chauvinist pig describing an overweight lady. I’m talking about the kind of cow that moos, gives lots of milk, and eats hay. As a joke, the College of Agriculture had nominated this creature for Homecoming Queen, and when the student body elected the hay burner, Ohio State officials went along with the funny business.

To this day some folks argue that the joke was an affront to the tradition and seriousness of Homecoming, but I think they protest too much. Although Maudine Ormsby was rather homely (if you are a bull, you may disagree), no real harm was done.

Although Maudine did not meet the physical standards of Ohio State’s Homecoming Queens either before or after 1926, Buckeye fans, with tongues planted firmly in their cheeks, would argue that she’s prettier than any Homecoming Queen ever elected at that “school up north.” 

The Dating Program

Just out of curiosity, I asked my good friend Bob to run my vital information through his computer dating program to see what kind of gal is supposedly right for me.

Bob started with some basic questions. I told him that I was seventy-three- years old, five feet, eight inches tall, and weighed about 175 pounds. My friend just shook his head.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“You’re not off to a good start,” he replied. “You’re old, short, and a few pounds overweight.”

“I don’t know about that,” I responded, holding in my gut and offering my best profile. “Maybe I should get a second opinion.”

“Okay, you’re also ugly. I’ll put that into the program. You know, there is a factor that can largely override those negative traits.”

“What’s that?”

“How much money do you have?”

“Counting my long-term investments, I’d say I’m worth twenty or thirty.”

“Twenty or thirty thousand?”

“No, just twenty or thirty bucks.”

“If you had at least a million bucks your negatives would be neutralized.”

“What does that mean?”

“It simply means that if you have enough money some ladies would overlook the fact that you are old, short, overweight, and ugly. Of course, you wouldn’t want to be fixed up with any gals like that.”

“Why not?”

“We put men and women of that caliber into the ‘gold-digger’ group. Those relationships have a high failure rate. When the money is gone so are they.”

Bob continued: “Can you sing?”

“My voice has been compared to Lucille Ball’s.”

“That would be a big ‘no.’”

“Do you play golf?”

“I’ve played a couple times. The last time out I had a 72.”

“Now we’re getting someplace. I can put down that you are a gifted golfer.”

“That 72 was on hole one; after that, it was too dark so I went home.”

“Scratch that. Do you have much traveling experience?”

“The last time I played basketball I was called for traveling three times.”

“No, knucklehead! I mean traveling to exotic places like Paris or London.”

“I get seasick and I’m scared to fly. Have they built a bridge to Europe yet?”

“Never mind. Have you won any awards?”

“” During my senior year in high school, I was picked as the ‘most forgettable person.’”

“That’s just great! What are your favorite foods?”

“Liver and onions and cauliflower.”

“What is your favorite wine?”

“Whatever is cheapest. Of course, I like it to be aged at least two or three days.”

“What is your favorite TV show?”

“The one with the purple dinosaur.”

At this point, Bob’s computer began to smoke and make strange hissing sounds, so he turned it off while we had lunch. About forty-five minutes later he continued plugging in information.

“What is your best trait?”

“I only snore two or three hours a night. The rest of the night I only talk in my sleep.”

“Do you belong to any clubs?”

“No. I wouldn’t want to belong to any organization that would accept someone like me.”

“Do you have a sense of humor?”

“With a face like this, I better have one.”

“Would you describe yourself as physically strong?”

“Yes. I’m definitely stronger compared to when I was twenty.”

“How do you figure that?”

“Well, when I was twenty I couldn’t hold twenty-five dollars worth of groceries in one arm; now I can. At this rate, I’ll have the strength of Superman by the time I’m eighty.”

“Okay. Let’s see what comes up.”

Usually, a client gets twenty to thirty matches. In my case, only one match appeared.

“I think this would be the perfect gal for you,” Bob explained. “As a matter of fact, I think she’s made just for you.”

The dating machine had picked the wife of Frankeinstein’s monster as my ideal mate. Maybe I‘d have a chance. She hated the monster, and unlike him, I’m not green and I don’t have bolts sticking out of my neck. And furthermore, most of my parts are original. 

What They Say About Golf

• “I regard golf as an expensive way of playing marbles.” G. K. Chesterton

• “Golf is a good walk spoiled.” Mark Twain

• “I don't want to play golf. When I hit the ball, I want someone else to go chase it.” Rogers Hornsby (baseball player)

• “It's not hard to keep your ball in the fairway, so long as you're not picky about which fairway.” Unknown

• “The proper score for a businessman golfer is 90. If he is better than that he is neglecting his business. If he's worse, he's neglecting his golf.” St. Andrews Rotary Club Member

• “They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf is more complicated than that.” Gardner Dickinson

• “If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt.” Dean Martin

• “They call it golf because all the other four-letter words were taken.” Raymond Floyd

• “Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.” Dave Berry

• “Sex and golf are two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them.” Kevin Costner

• “Golf is a game in which you yell fore, shoot six, and write down five.” Paul Harvey

• “If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork the way they do a golf club, they'd starve to death.” Sam Snead

• “I know I'm getting better at golf because I'm hitting fewer spectators.” Gerald R. Ford

• “Why am I using a new putter? Because the last one didn't float too well.” Craig Stadler

• “It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. It took one afternoon on the golf course.” Hank Aaron

• “If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.” Jack Lemmon

• “Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into an even smaller hole, with weapons singularly ill-designed for the purpose.” Winston Churchill

• “I have a tip that will take five strokes off anyone's golf game. It's called an eraser.” Arnold Palmer

• “Golf is like chasing a quinine pill around a cow pasture.” Winston Churchill

• “Golf, like measles, should be caught young, for if postponed to riper years, the results may be serious.” P G Wodehouse

• “It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.” Mark Twain.

• “Golf gives you insight into human nature, your own as well as your opponent's. Grantland Rice

• My golf partner said I should yell “fore” before hitting the ball, not “twelve.” Actually, I was being overly optimistic that I'd get that infernal ball into the hole in twelve shots!

 

Disturbing Comments from Young Whippersnappers

A good friend of mine, a fellow senior citizen, is working at a sporting goods store. The other day he was somewhat irritated when a customer assumed he needed assistance in getting an item from a shelf. I understand. Similar irritating things have happened to me.

As a matter of fact, once I was assumed to be old when I wasn't. My son, who was about seven at the time, went with me to the grocery store. As we were checking out, the cashier said, “Oh, you have a very handsome grandson.”

Playing along, I told her: “Yes, he is. Every other weekend, except when my arthritis is acting up, I spend Saturdays with him so that his folks can have a break.”

“That's so nice of you,” she replied.

“Well, you know,” I continued, “at my age, I wear out easily, so his grandmother and I take turns playing with him. While one of us plays, the other sleeps.”

After we reached the parking lot, my boy said: “You are not my grandfather.”

“You're right, son,” I replied, “but she didn't know that.”

A couple years ago, as I began lifting sacks of groceries into a cart, a young man behind me asked if I needed assistance.

“No thank you,” I told him. “I stay in great shape by lifting my wife's purse ten times every morning.” Besides, with inflation, groceries worth $100 aren't nearly as heavy as those from 30 years ago.

When my wife turned 65, as usual, I made her a birthday card. In the card, I predicted things that would happen to her now that she was officially old. Among other events, I predicted the folks working at restaurants and other stores would begin calling her such names as “Sweetie” and “Dear.”

That very night, at my wife's favorite restaurant, the waitress came to our table, smiled at my better half, and asked, “What would you like to drink, Sweetie?” (When inquiring about the main course, the waitress asked my wife, “And the vegetable?” “He'll have the same thing I'm having,” she replied.)

We both snickered. It's a wonder the waitress didn't warn us not to laugh, for certainly at our advanced ages there was the possibility of wetting our pants!

I've had more than a few younger people think I must be deaf simply because I'm a senior citizen. With that said, it's rather irritating when someone talks very slowly and very loudly to me. Believe it or not, at this point I still do not need a hearing aid (Although my wife says I suffer from selective hearing. Well, I think that's what she said; I wasn't listening!)

My own son once got me! He asked if I had voted for Lincoln. “Of course not!” I loudly and quickly protested.

“So, you're a Democrat?” the little wise-acre asked.

However, a few days ago I did get some positive feedback at the local liquor store. Before the clerk would sell me a bottle of whiskey, he insisted upon seeing proof that I was of age. I thanked him profusely and offered him a twenty-dollar tip!

I believe it was the late comedian Jack Benny who said that age is just mind over matter, for if you don't mind, it really doesn't matter.

I try to keep that in mind whenever some “young whippersnapper” indicates that I'm somehow feeble with one foot on a banana peel and the other one already in the grave. It's important to remember that in most cases those folks are simply trying to be kind and helpful, so just smile and keep chugging along at whatever pace you can muster.

Catitude

For years veterinarians and other animal “experts” believed dogs to be much more intelligent than cats. Observing both species, they saw how relatively easy it is to train a dog. On the other hand, although not impossible, training a cat to roll over or play dead is a much more difficult process.

Unfortunately, those learned men and women were not taking into account what I call “catitude.” You see, cats and dogs have radically different personalities and therefore see the world through a different lens.

Dogs are descended from pack animals. No doubt your hound sees you as nothing more than a giant fellow dog who is the leader of his pack. He or she wants nothing more than to please its leader.

In human terms, your dog might be thinking: “Gee, I will do anything to please my master. When he's happy, I'm happy. If she wants me to beg, then I'll do so. My entire life centers around making my leader happy. That's what I was born to do!”

Any person who has ever owned a cat knows that felines do not act in such a manner. If they could speak English, they might comment: “Hey, I like this dude, but I'm not giving up my independence to make her happy. If he wants to see someone roll over and play dead, then I suggest he does that stunt himself, for I have better things to do, such as sunbathing, watching birds, and knocking objects to the floor.”

Are animals capable of something approximating human love? Yes, both dogs and cats have shown some form of affection for their owners. There have been cases, for example, where dogs would sit on their owners' graves as if they were mourning their loss. That certainly looks like some kind of love or affection, at least from a human perspective.

My oldest cat, Kelly, who is now 15, spends almost every night in bed with me, wedged between my right arm and my body. As a result, I spent many nights staring at the ceiling because I did not want to disturb him by rolling onto my side.

Our female cat, Annie, spends every evening on my wife's lap as we watch TV or read. She “makes bread dough” before settling down to purr and then to sleep.

Dogs live to please their humans. Cats live to please themselves. In other words, the more independent-minded cat, in one sense, is more evolved than the dog, for the cat is a much more independent thinker. No doubt our political leaders prefer us to be in eternal dog mode.

Some folks still argue that dogs must be smarter than cats because they have bigger brains Well, supposedly human beings are the smartest creatures on the planet, although you would never guess that from watching the nightly news. Yet, whales, dolphins, and elephants have bigger brains than we do. Furthermore, consider this: Members of Congress have fairly large brains, but that doesn't always seem to translate into thoughtful and enlightened lawmaking. Just saying.

In every family I've seen that has a dog and a cat, it is the feline who rules the roost. Even if the dog is much larger than the cat, the feline has the equalizer-razor-sharp front claws. If the dog messes where he shouldn't, he'll receive a bloody nose and multiple scratches for his efforts. That's pretty smart on the cat's part.

In the final analysis, it doesn't really matter which of the two species is more intelligent. As any animal lover can tell you, both dogs and cats brighten our lives and leave us with great memories. Unlike many human beings, our pets are there for us whether we are rich or poor, popular or castigated, handsome or not so much so. That's the best kind of friendship to have.