My Wife and I See Things Differently

 

My Wife and I See Things Differently

A few days ago, my wife and I invited some friends to come to our house for a wiener roast. “We have to clean the house,” my better half proclaimed.

“Why?” I asked. “The wiener roast is outdoors.”

“Yeah, but they might have to use the bathroom,” she replied. “I would be embarrassed if they came into our house when it is messy. What would they think?”

Being a typical guy, I racked my brain for an easier alternative: “Why don't we rent one of those portable toilets you see at the parks? That way, they could use the bathroom, and we wouldn't have to do all that cleaning. We could set it among that group of trees in the backyard so that the neighbors couldn't see it.”

It may come as no surprise to you husbands out there that the missus would not accept my wonderful solution. Perhaps she was jealous because it was my steel-trap mind that came up with this brilliant idea instead of hers.

It seems as though wives like things organized and pretty. On the other hand, we husbands want to minimize drudgery so that we can focus upon the more important things in life, like football, naps, and beer.

At the grocery store, my wife will stand for several minutes over two brands of meat, trying to decide which one might have a better taste or which is one half of a cent cheaper per pound. I, on the other hand, will grab the first brand I come to, for my time is far more important than saving a few cents. As for taste, we husbands know about the great equalizer-ketchup. If you want something to taste better, simply smother it in ketchup.

For some unknown reason, she does not often permit me to do the cooking. I must admit that our food relationship is almost perfect. She makes some of the best dishes I've ever had the pleasure of devouring, but in doing so, she wastes way too much precious time in the kitchen.

I, on the other hand, can whip up a fantastic meal in three to five minutes, depending upon how fancy I want it to be. My specialty is the classic peanut butter sandwich along with a bag of potato chips and a cold beer. Now that's eating!

A few years ago, while she was on a trip with our son, I saved a lot of time by buying a bunch of paper plates. I not only saved time, but I also helped the environment by cutting down on my use of electricity. Furthermore, since I didn't use the dishwashing machine one time during her absence, I limited the wear and tear it faces from my wife daily.

My better half insists on the bed being made every morning, and she takes this ritual extremely seriously, so seriously that she doesn't even laugh when I tell her she'll need some wood, a saw, and some nails if she's going to make the bed. She mumbles something about it being too early in the morning to deal with Dad jokes. I'm offended; that joke is more than a Dad joke-it's a classic.

To no avail, I've argued that it's a waste of time to make the bed. Who sees it besides our cats and us? I'm not complaining about a messy bed, and neither are the felines.

As I have said, husbands realize that each of us has only so many hours on this planet, so we are always looking for ways to get the work completed and get the fun started. Wives demand we men put the toilet seat down after we are finished, but if we did that, for say, 50 years of marriage, just imagine how many hours, how many days of our lives would be wasted. Besides, the women could help us out by putting the lid back up after they are finished! For some strange reason they refuse to cooperate, so why should we?

So as you can see, my wife and I have differing perspectives on many things. Despite this, we have a loving and strong marriage. We respect and love each other, and we always have each other's back, so to speak. Besides, in the end, she almost always lets me have her way.

A Football Fanatic

 

“Fred, supper’s ready,” yelled his wife Sue from the kitchen. “We’re having spaghetti and meatballs.”

“The Central-Smith game begins in five minutes. I can’t miss the kickoff.”

“We’ll hurry, dear, but it’s important that the family takes time to eat together,” she replied.

Under his breath, Fred grumbled, “It’s important that I see my Central Bulldogs squash those idiotic Titans.”

“As head of the family, it’s your place to say a prayer,” stated Sue.

“Dear Lord, please fire up the Bulldogs. Make them stronger, faster, and more ferocious. Give them the strength to pulverize our enemies. Please give Coach Jones the wisdom to open up his offense and give those nincompoops from the North the beating of their lives. And thank you, Lord, for always being so merciful and caring. Amen.”

As the husband stuffed his face with food, Sue pleaded, “Fred, slow down. Wolfing down your food can’t be good for your indigestion, and it’s not a good example for our son. This is also a time to communicate, to share information.”

“OK, I get it,” the harried husband conceded. “Todd, do you know what the average Titan football player gets on his ACT?”

“Maybe a twenty-five?” guessed the son.

“No, drool,” the football nut of a father answered.

Between clenched teeth, the wife stated, “Let’s not talk sports. Did you hear that old Mr. Creamer is getting married?”

While demolishing a meatball, the husband asked, “Isn’t he pretty old to be getting married?”

“He’s 95,” said Sue. “You know his bride-Shirley Jenkins.”

Dropping a meatball onto the floor, Fred exclaimed, “She’s only twenty-five years old! She’s after his money! This sounds like a football wedding to me.”

“What’s a football wedding?” the son inquired.

While washing off the dropped meatball, Fred replied, “It’s when a young thing marries an old dude for his money and then waits for him to KICK OFF.”

“Dad, I know that you’ve always been a football fan, but Mom hardly knows the difference between a football and a hockey puck. Why haven’t you taught her about the fine points of the game?”

“Looking up to his son, Fred explained: “I’ve been trying. Your mother is extremely intelligent, but she learns only those things that hold her interest. Just last week I took her to a football game. Afterwards I asked how she liked it.

“‘I liked it OK,’ your mom said, ‘but I couldn’t understand why the fans were so excited about getting back 25 cents. Everyone kept yelling to get the quarterback.’ “

Exasperated, Sue responded, “That’s not true. Your dad is just sticking in an old, tired football joke. In an attempt to change the subject, Sue asked, “Fred, did you go to confession?”

“Yes, dear. As you know, the boys and I are in a Sunday afternoon football league. I asked Father Smith if it was a sin for me to play on Sundays.”

“What did he say?” the dutiful son asked.

“He said, ‘ Fred, I’ve seen you in action; it’s a sin any day that you play.”

Trying to change the subject, Sue asked, “Have you seen old Mr. Jones lately?”

“Yes, as a matter of fact, I saw him at a football game about three weeks ago,” the husband confirmed. “He had the best seat in the house at the fifty-yard line. Since the five seats on either side of him were empty, I asked if I could sit there.

“Help yourself,” he replied. “Normally this seat next to me would be used by my wife, but she died.”

“I ‘m so sorry to hear about your loss,” I stated sincerely. “Where’s all the other people who usually sit at these seats?” I inquired.

After taking a few swigs from his beer, Mr. Jones said, “They’re at my wife’s funeral. ”

Laughing, Todd spit out a mouthful of spaghetti. Sue gave Fred a look that could stop a clock. Frowning, she retorted, “Sports in general and football in particular are silly. I know a little something about sports. I quote Ebert Hubbard: ‘College football is a sport that bears the same relation to education that bullfighting does to agriculture.’ “

“Here’s a better quote,” said the husband: ‘Football is not a matter of life and death. It’s much more serious than that.’ That’s from a guy by the name of Bill Shankly.”

Now rather angry, the wife argued, “You men are a bunch of Neanderthals. You always have to beat down the other guy. Females are more mature. We stress cooperation over cutthroat competition. No wonder the average guy doesn’t have any friends. You men should play your silly games just for the fun of it. Why even keep score?”

Excitedly, Fred erupted: “The great coach, Vince Lombardi, may God rest his soul, said, ‘If winning isn’t everything, why do they keep score?’ How would you know which teams to send to the Super Bowl if you didn’t keep score? How could we embarrass the Smith Titans if the world couldn’t see that the score was 55-0?”

Exasperated, Sue shrieked: “If doctors cut into a man’s brain they’d find nothing but a bunch of sports trivia.”

Fred countered, “I’m not so sure that they’d find anything in a typical woman’s head! Besides, sports make the world go around. Todd, do you know how many Titans it takes to change a light bulb? It takes the entire team, but each player gets a semester’s credit for it! Say, I’m missing the most important game of the season! Time is wasting!”

After grabbing a cold beer and a sandwich, Fred ran to the family room and turned on the game.

“Gosh, it’s already in the second quarter!” the husband moaned.

“What’s the score?” asked Sue.

“It’s nothing to nothing,” he replied.

“Good. See, you didn’t miss a thing!” Sue said as she walked out of the room.

Fred threw his sandwich at the departing figure, but fortunately, for his sake, like most weekend quarterbacks, his accuracy left much to be desired.  

Poking Fun at Bosses (Although Most of Them Don't Deserve It)

• My boss had a meeting about TEAM BUILDING right after the company fired half the staff.

• “Do not underestimate your abilities. That is your boss's job.” Anonymous.

• “Pride, commitment, and teamwork are words they use to get you to work for free.” Anonymous.

• My boss is so overpaid that he can afford to buy a kid for his dog to play with.

• Typically, the workers and the boss are in a power struggle. The boss has the power, and the workers struggle.

• “If you think your boss is stupid, remember: You wouldn't have a job if he was any smarter.” John Gotti.

• How can you make people believe you're the boss? Just stand around and do nothing.

• I demanded a big increase in my weekly paycheck, so the boss increased the font size.

• “The key to being a good manager is keeping the people who hate you away from those people who are still undecided.” Casey Stengel.

• “In most cases, being a good boss means hiring talented people and then getting out of their way.” Tina Fey.

• In an interview, the boss said, starting today, he'd pay me $15 an hour, and in three months he'draise it to $18. When he asked when I'd like to start, I said, “In three months.”

• “Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties.” Doug Larson.

• We call our boss the “computer” because he'll fall asleep within 20 minutes if left unattended.

• “Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.” Peter Drucker.

• “Having a bad boss isn't your fault. Staying with one is.” Nora Denzel.

• I asked the boss if I could come in late today. “Dream on,” he replied. So I slept until noon.

• “If at first you don't succeed, then try management.” Stephen Hawking.

• My boss said, “Remember, there's no 'I' in team.” I whispered to a co-worker, “And there's not much sign of 'U' in it either.”

• My boss suggested I start the team presentation with humor, so I showed my most recent paycheck on the first slide.

• “No man goes before his time unless the boss leaves early.” Groucho Marx.

• “Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.” Earl Nightingale.

• “People ask the difference between a leader and a boss. The leader leads, and the boss drives.” Theodore Roosevelt.

* “Leaders who don't listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” Andy Stanley.

Dumb Football Jokes

• Because of poor grades, the star running back for the top college team was ineligible to play against its top rival. The English professor decided to give the player a chance to regain his eligibility. “Since you play football, I'll ask you to use the word 'officiate' in a sentence. If you can do so, you'll be able to play on Saturday.” After a thoughtful moment, the player replied, “Duh, my brother got sick from a fish he ate.” He scored three touchdowns in the big game.

• What happens to football players who go blind? They become refs.

• What do you call an offensive lineman's kid? A chip off the old blocker.

* A little boy was at the center of a custody battle. “Billy, I've decided to give custody to your mother,” said the judge. “Please don't do that, your honor,” the boy replied. “Why not?” the judge inquired. “Because she beats me!” “Well, in that case, your father will get custody.” “But he beats me too!” “Then who do you want to have custody?” Billy replied, “I want the Cleveland Browns to have custody.” The startled judge asked, “Why the Browns?” Billy answered, “Because the Browns don't beat anybody.” (And I am a life-long Browns fan!)

• For his birthday, a Browns receiver asked his wife to take him someplace he had never been. She had a picnic for him in the end zone.

• My wife knows nothing about football. Recently I took her to a game. She asked, “Why do the fans care so much about a little change?” “What do you mean, dear?” “They were yelling, 'Get the quarter back!'”

• Why was Cinderella considered to be such a lousy football player? Because she was always running away from the ball (think about it).

* The next day, the Wolverines would be playing their arch rivals. The Ann Arbor grade school teacher asked how many of her students were Michigan fans. All but little Billy raised their hands. “Why aren't you a Michigan fan?” the teacher asked. Billy replied, “Well, my father is an Ohio State fan, my mother is an Ohio State fan, and my big brother is an Ohio State fan, so I'm an Ohio State fan too.” Agitated, the teacher responded, “What if your father was a moron, your mother was a moron, and your big brother was a moron? What would that make you?” Billy answered, “That would make me a Michigan fan, teacher.” (If you're a Michigan fan, feel free to switch the names).

• What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys drinking beer and watching a football game.

• What runs around a football stadium but never moves? A fence.

• Why did the football quit the team? He was tired of getting kicked around.

• Why are the Cleveland Browns like a possum? Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

• Why can't football players wear glasses on the field? Because football is a contact sport.

• What does the football say to the punter? “I get a kick out of you!”

• What do you call a Cleveland Browns' player who is wearing a Super Bowl ring? A thief.

• Why did Cinderella never improve her football skills? Because her coach was a pumpkin.

• What do the Cincinnati Bengals (I decided to give the Browns a rest) and Chick-Fil-A workers have in common? They don't show up for work on Sundays.

• Why do football players never get too hot? Because they're surrounded by “fans.”

• What did the receiver say to the football? “Catch you later.”

Even More Goofy Stuff

• I backed a horse at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.

• On what grounds did the police arrest the devil? They charged him with possession.

• Why was the bottle of ketchup arrested? It was watching the salad dressing.

• What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.

• I thought we had once again elected a pope. As I sat on the sofa, I noticed white smoke floating across the deck. Later I found that my wife was doing laundry. The smoke came from the vent.

• What is the difference between a man and a catfish? One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker, and the other is a fish.

• Did you hear about the woman who won a gold medal in the Olympics? She's having it bronzed.

• I cleaned the attic with my wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

• He: “What are the signs you're having a stroke?” She: “Let's see...There's slurred speech, facial droopiness, arm weakness...” He: “How about weird intermittent tingling in the nether regions?” She: “No, that means you're sitting on your phone again.”

• Why do dogs float on water? Because they're good buoys.

• I do not approve of political jokes-I've seen too many of them elected.

• If Chuck Norris were president, he'd protect the Secret Service.

• One elderly lady said: “I'm never lonely because I have four men in my life. I get up with Charlie Horse, spend the day with Arthur Itis, dine with Will Power, and go to bed with Ben Gay.”

• What do you call a detective who accidentally solves a crime? Sheer Luck Holmes.

• Yesterday my mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I had no idea they actually worked.

• I think our house is haunted. Every time I look in the mirror, a crazy-looking old guy stands in front of me so I can't see my reflection.

• Why are veterinarians prescribing birth-control pills for dogs? It's part of an anti-litter campaign.

• I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

• Why do thieves never target the homes of politicians? Professional courtesy.

• How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend? He gave her a ring.

• How are politicians like babies? Both need to be changed regularly and for the same reason.

• I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but couldn't find any.

• Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was out standing in his field.

• Why do ghosts like to take the elevator? It lifts their spirits.

Old (and sometimes goofy) Laws

• It is illegal in West Virginia to whistle while you are underwater. (I'll try to remember that the next time I visit.)

• It is against the law in Michigan to tie your alligator to a fire hydrant. (Evidently, it's okay to tie your crocodile to a hydrant.)

• In Ohio, on Sundays, it's illegal to fish for whales.

• Carrying ice cream in your back pocket is forbidden in Kentucky.

• You could be arrested for sleeping in an Illinois cheese factory.

• In Cleveland, Ohio, you must put coins in the meter if you park an elephant on the street.

• Serving ice cream on cherry pie is illegal in Kansas. (This must be unconstitutional. The U. S. Supreme Court needs to rule on this.)

• Bingo games in North Carolina must last no longer than five hours. (Can the law be changed to five minutes?)

• In Alabama, it is illegal to wear a fake mustache in church if it causes people to laugh.

• It is against the law in Maine to use a fake name when checking into a hotel. (Guess I'll have to quit using “Abraham Lincoln.”)

• In California, it's against the law to eat an orange while taking a bath. (How would the police know?)

• Speaking of bathing, it's illegal in Arizona for donkeys to sleep in a bathtub after 7 p. m.

• In Minnesota, you are not allowed to have a duck on your head while crossing state lines. (If your neck is strong enough, an elephant is okay.)

• In Florida, wherever alcoholic beverages are sold, it is illegal to have dwarf tossing contests.

• Speaking of alcohol, it is against the law to give a moose any alcoholic beverages. (However, that alligator you brought from Michigan can be served.

• In Rockville, Maryland, it is against the law to swear while you are driving. (Even when you have to deal with people who drive like they're blindfolded?)

• One may not hunt camels in Arizona.

• In Michigan, it is technically against the law to read a newspaper while sitting in the middle of the street. (Finally, a law that makes sense!)

• It is against the law in Wisconsin to throw bricks or rocks at trains. (Again, another law that makes sense!)

• An ordinance in Pocatello, Idaho, disallows frowning in public.

• In Arkansas, it is illegal to mispronounce the state's name.

• In Massachusetts, it's illegal to swear at sporting events. (Good luck enforcing this. Can you arrest 90% of the fans in a football stadium?)

Church Bulletin Blunders

• “The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric GIRDLES for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.” (Gas-powered girdles are not good for the environment.)

• “This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.” (I hope Mrs. Lewis is a chicken!)

• “Next Thursday, there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.”

• “Illiterate? Write to the church for help.” (That would be a miracle.)

• “The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, 'Break Forth in Joy.'”

• “This afternoon, there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.” (Well, that should cover it.)

• “Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.” (Please, don't give my wife any such ideas.)

• “The 'Over 60s Choir' will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church.”

• “The church is glad to have with us our guest minister, the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the services, we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.” (That's a tough church at which to preach. I hope they pay above standard wages.)

• “Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our Church and community.”

• “The class on prophecy has been canceled due to unforeseen circumstances.”

• “For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.”

• “The associate minister unveiled the church's campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I upped my pledge-Up yours!'”

• “Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p. m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.” (Nothing like rubbing it in.)

• “Tuesday at 4 p. m., there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk, please come early.” (Are cows welcome?)

• “Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.” (I would pay to hear that!)

• “The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys SINNING to join the choir.”

• “Ushers will SWAT the latecomers.”

• “The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.” (That's one way to increase attendance-at least male attendance!)

• “At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be, 'What is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.”

• “Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.”