A Few Thoughts

 

• When I was a kid, the girls and boys played Spin the Bottle. If the bottle pointed to a boy, the girl could either kiss him or give him a quarter. By age 14, I owned my own house and car.

• I waited in the restaurant's bathroom for over two hours. A sign there said, “Employees must wash hands.” Unfortunately, no employees showed up.

• In high school, I told the coach I was going out for basketball. “Sorry,” he said. “We already have a basketball.”

• I replied affirmatively when the basketball coach asked if I could shoot. I never said I could make any shots, but I could shoot.

• Wow! I watched a liberal newscaster do a half-hour program, and he only referred to Trump as a Nazi three times!

• One of my friends is getting a divorce. When they were married, he called her “Miss Right.” Only later did he discover her first name was “Always.”

• Did you hear about the diamond mine owner and his wife getting a divorce? She got the mine and he got the shaft.

• The third grade teacher was excited about her UCLA Bruins hosting Southern Cal in football. She said to her class, “Raise your hand if you're a UCLA fan!” All but little Billy raised their hands. “Why are you not a UCLA fan?” the teacher asked. Billy replied: “My dad is a Southern Cal fan, my mom is a Southern Cal fan, and my big brother is a Southern Cal fan, so I'm a Southern Cal fan.” The ticked-off teacher remarked: “By that logic, if your dad was a moron, your mother was a moron, and your big brother was a moron, then what would that make you?” “That would make me a UCLA fan, teacher.”

• Supposedly, Calvin Coolidge was a man of few words. A lady approached him and said, “Mr. Coolidge, I have a bet with my friends that I can get three words out of you.” Coolidge turned to the lady and replied, “You lose.”

• Ronald Reagan said politics is the world's second-oldest profession. He added that it very much resembles the first.

• The judge had to decide who would get custody of little Billy. The judge said, “Billy, I've decided to give custody to your mother.” “Judge,” the little boy replied, “you can't do that.” “Why?” asked the judge. “Because he beats me.” “Well, in that case, I will give custody to your father.” “But he beats me too.” Then who would you like to have custody?” asked the judge. “I want the Cleveland Browns to have custody.” “The Browns? Why?” “Because they don't beat anybody.”

• Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.

• I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

• Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

• I was having lunch with a chess champion. The table had a checkered tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

• Quote of the day from Rodney Dangerfield: “I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”

I Distinctly Remember My Family's Restaurant Visits

 

* Dedicated to Dr. Rev. Herbert Hicks.  Our loss is Heaven's gain.

Occasionally Dad would inform my brother and me that on the upcoming Saturday we would be spending the day with him at work. For his part, my brother was delighted. He loved nothing more than to watch our mechanic father change tires, tune engines, and check radiators.

I, on the other hand, was devastated, having no interest in mechanical things. My normal Saturday consisted of playing softball with my neighborhood friends, watching the “Baseball Game of the Week,” and reading my current stack of library books. From my point of view, going to work with Dad amounted to a wasted weekend.

On one particular weekend we traveled to a company station about twenty miles from home. Normally, Dad would finish work about 5 p. m. Then we would pile into the company truck and head home for supper.

Our family never starved; we had clothes on our backs and a roof over our heads, but we lived frugally. Up to this time, I had never eaten at a restaurant. The closest I had come to eating out occurred on those few times I ate lunch at the school cafeteria. Usually I took a sack lunch.

On that Saturday, Dad ran into some problems. It was close to seven-thirty by the time he finished. Evidently, Dad was starving, because he took us to a nearby restaurant. At the age of nine, I was about to experience my first restaurant meal.

Country music was blaring from a jukebox as we entered the building. After we sat at a corner booth, a waitress handed us menus. Today I had breakfast, but to tell the truth, I can't remember what I ate. Yet, way back on that particular Saturday, I distinctly recall what I had ordered.

I had a large cheeseburger that I improved tremendously by drenching it in ketchup. Half the plate was covered with French fries. Along with these two items, I ordered a large Coca-Cola.

After consuming our meals, we watched a guy play at a pinball machine. This was the first time I'd seen such a thing.

Besides not eating at restaurants, we didn't waste money on vacations. Dad's annual two weeks off work usually were spent scraping and painting the house and the garage. So to say the least, this was not exactly a fun time.

During one particular summer, however, some relatives living near Washington, D. C., invited us to visit. When near our destination, Dad decided to stop at a diner so we would not impose upon our relatives. This time I ordered a cheeseburger, fries, AND a chocolate milkshake. I even had the nerve to ask for a second burger, and to my surprise, my wish was granted.

A year or so later, Dad decided to take his family to a restaurant in a town where he sometimes worked. It was fancier than the two previously mentioned restaurants, but the food was no better. Of course, I ordered French fries, but instead of a cheeseburger I got a big square of some type of fish. These were washed down by a glass of iced tea.

Now we fast-forward a few more years. We were visiting relatives in a city about 80 miles from home. Since we arrived in town at lunchtime, Dad took us into what seemed like an ordinary eatery located in the basement of a large hotel.

When Dad looked at the menu, I think he almost fainted, for the prices at that time were out of this world. We didn't get up and leave, but Dad made certain we kids chose only the cheapest items listed. During the meal, he complained about the cost so much that I volunteered to swipe the silverware. He gave it some thought before vetoing the idea.

I did save Dad some money that day. The stall in the men's restroom was locked; a dime was needed to open it. My brother needed to use the bathroom, but he was afraid to ask our upset Dad for money. Being creative and being a little kid, with little difficulty, I crawled under the door of the stall and then opened it. You're welcome, Dad.

These are the only ones I remember. Those occasions were special simply because they seldom occurred.

Miscellaneous Facts

      Ketchup was invented in the 1830s as a treatment for indigestion.

• From 1900 until 1920, tug of war was an Olympic event.

• The first toy to be advertised on TV was Mr. Potato Head.

• Abraham Lincoln was a licensed bartender.

• No astronaut said, “Houston, we have a problem!” That was said by Tom Hanks in the movie, “Apollo 13.”

• Creme Puff was the world's oldest cat, living to the ripe old age of 38 years and 3 days.

• Sudan has more ancient pyramids than Egypt.

• The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

• There are 18 teams in the Big Ten Conference.

• No two people have the same fingerprints, not even twins.

• Eggplants do not contain eggs.

• There are more caribou living in Alaska than there are people.

• Hamburgers are not made from ham.

• It takes more than 500 peanuts to make one jar of peanut butter.

• Adults have fewer bones than babies have. Eventually,  several bones fuse together.

• Pineapples do not contain apples.

• Abraham Lincoln is a member of the Wrestling Hall of Fame.

• The Barbie doll's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.

• Cookie Monster's real name is Sidney.

• “Flammable” and “inflammable” mean the same thing.

• We've all heard the phrase, “as American as apple pie,” but apples are native to Asia, and the first recorded recipe for apple pie was from England.

• There are fewer people in New Zealand than there are sheep.

• Babe Ruth is remembered as one of baseball's greatest hitters, but he entered the Major Leagues as a top-flight pitcher.

• Polar bears have black skin under their white fur.

• Americans eat more than 17 billion quarts of popcorn annually. I bet most of it is consumed by my wife!

• Scotland's national animal is the unicorn.

• Canada has more lakes than the rest of the world combined.

1887 Newspaper Advertisements

 

A neighbor gave me several Zanesville, Ohio Daily Courier newspapers dated from November and December of 1887. I found the advertisements to be most interesting.

IF YOU HAVE no appetite, indigestion, flatulence, sick headache, “all run down,” losing flesh, you will find TUTT'S PILLS the remedy you need. They tone up the weak stomach and build up the flagging energies. Sufferers from mental or physical overwork will find relief from them. Nicely sugar-coated. SOLD EVERYWHERE.

LADIES' TOBOGGAN JACKETS, AT GRANT'S. We are too far from the north pole to render the building of toboggan slides a profitable industry, but that need not interfere with our Zanesville ladies wearing toboggan jackets. In fact, they are fast becoming as popular for indoor wear as the long-lived and indestructible jersey. They are also very nice for street wear underneath a medium weight garment. These jackets are all wool, ribbed, close fitting, come in stripes of contrasting colors, and are made sleeveless. ALEXANDER GRANT.

Some grand bargains, some rare bargains, before we move. We have some Second-hand, Square and Upright Pianos, and Second-hand Organs we will sell at Greatly Reduced Prices before we move. We have delayed in our moving, but look out for our announcement a little later. H. D. MUNSON & SONS.

PINKERTON'S ORIENTAL COFFEE. The consumption of Pinkerton's Oriental Coffee has had a steady growth from consumers, and at the present time is growing more rapidly than at any time during the past. We have thousands of the best families in Ohio who have tested it in every possible manner, and now use it exclusively. We roast nothing but high-grade, sound Coffee, nicely blended, and with our own exclusive process for cleaning, roasting and packing, we furnish you the perfection of Coffee in cleanliness, purity and strength. PINKERTON COFFEE CO. 11 & 13 Fourth Street, Zanesville, O.

DR. GRAY'S CROWNING SYSTEM. BRIDGE WORK-ARTIFICIAL TEETH WITHOUT PLATES. By this method, good roots which remain in the jaw may be restored to perfect usefulness and beauty, and made so solid that they will perform the office of mastication like the natural teeth. If but four good roots remain in the jaw in proper position, we can attach an entire set of teeth to these roots, and restore the mouth to its original comfort and beauty, without the use of a plate. Where four teeth still remain in the mouth in proper position, we can attach an entire set of teeth without a plate, and without cutting off the teeth. DR. L. M. GRAY, ZANESVILLE, OHIO. (This is the author Zane Grey's father.)

ATH-LO-PHO-ROS PILLS are a quick, pleasant, safe and sure cure for disordered liver, or stomach, indigestion, dyspepsia, constipation, nervous or general debility, headache, lassitude, diseases of women, etc. Neatly put up 100 for 50 cents. Athlophoros Remedies are sold by all druggists.

LAMPS. Hanging Lamps, Stand Lamps, Bracket Lamps. Get our prices before you buy. NEW GOODS THIS WEEK. Wall Pockets, Easels, Pictures, Picture Frames, etc. COME AND SEE THEM. Best place in the city to buy useful and ornamental Holiday presents. E. P. CHURCH & CO., 201 MAIN STREET. Picture Frames made to order. STORE OPEN EVERY EVENING.

SMOKING JACKETS. A new and beautiful line of the justly celebrated Alfred Benjamin & Co. make, just received at the W. DRYFUS & SON. Every lady intending to buy her husband or lover (or both?) a nice CHRISTMAS PRESENT. Should not fail to see them. We have them in FINE SILK VELVET, FINE ENGLISH CLOTH, FRENCH DRAP D'ETE, AND TRICOT CLOTH, in new, fashionable and desirable shades, Silk and Satin Lined, Satin Bound, Quilted Facings and Pocket Flaps. We will cheerfully show them and request everybody desirous of inspecting the line to call early, while the stock is unbroken. We also display the finest line of MUFFLERS, NECKWEAR, SUSPENDERS, SILK UMBRELLAS, ETC. In this city. W. DRYFUS & SON, Leading Haberdashers. 90 MAIN STREET. Open every evening till 9:30.

E. P. BLOOMER, CANDIES AND CONFECTIONERY. No. 176 Main Street. Pure Candies manufactured in our own Factory, from Pure Sugars, and flavored with Fruit Extracts. A Superior Line of Bon Bons and packages of various sizes. A specialty made of TROPICAL FRUITS which we guarantee to sell at the Lowest Possible Prices. All goods warranted to be of the Purest Quality, and specially designed for the Holiday trade. E. P. BLOOMER, CANDIES AND CONFECTIONERY, No. 176 MAIN STREET.

The Dating Program

Out of curiosity, I asked my good friend, Bob, to run my vital information through his computer dating program to see what kind of gal is supposedly right for me.

Bob started with some basic questions. I told him that I was sixty-six years old, five feet, eight inches tall, and weighed about 175 pounds. My friend just shook his head.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“You’re not off to a very good start,” he replied. “You’re old, short, and a few pounds overweight.”

“I don’t know about that,” I responded, holding in my gut and offering my best profile. “Maybe I should get a second opinion.”

“Okay, you’re also ugly. I’ll put that into the program. You know, there is a factor that can largely override those negative traits.”

“What’s that?”

“How much money do you have?”

“Counting my long-term investments, I’d say I’m worth twenty or thirty.”

“Twenty or thirty thousand?”

“No, just twenty or thirty bucks.”

“If you had at least a million bucks, your negatives would be neutralized.”

“What does that mean?”

“It simply means that if you have enough money, some ladies would overlook the fact that you are old, short, overweight, and ugly. Of course, you wouldn’t want to be fixed up with any gals like that.”

“Why not?”

“We put men and women of that caliber into the ‘gold-digger’ group. Those relationships have a high failure rate. When the money is gone, so are they.”

Bob continued: “Can you sing?”

“My voice has been compared to Lucille Ball’s.”

“That would be a big ‘no.’”

“Do you play golf?”

“I’ve played a couple times. The last time out I had a 72.”

“Now we’re getting someplace. I can put down that you are a gifted golfer.”

“That 72 was on hole one; after that it was too dark, so I went home.”

“Scratch that. Do you have much traveling experience?”

“The last time I played basketball I was called for traveling three times.”

“No, knucklehead! I mean traveling to exotic places like Paris or London.”

“I get seasick, and I’m scared to fly. Have they built a bridge to Europe yet?”

“Never mind. Have you won any awards?”

“”During my senior year in high school I was picked as the ‘most forgettable person.’”

“That’s just great! What are your favorite foods?”

“Liver and onions and cauliflower.”

“What is your favorite wine?”

“Whatever is cheapest. Of course, I like it to be aged at least two or three days.”

“What is your favorite TV show?”

“The one with the purple dinosaur.”

At this point Bob’s computer began to smoke and make strange hissing sounds, so he turned it off while we had lunch. About forty-five minutes later he continued plugging in information.

“What is your best trait?”

“I only snore two or three hours a night. The rest of the night I only talk in my sleep.”

“Do you belong to any clubs?”

“No. I wouldn’t want to belong to any organization that would accept someone like me.”

“Do you have a sense of humor?”

“With a face like this, I better have one.”

“Would you describe yourself as physically strong?”

“Yes. I’m definitely stronger compared to when I was twenty.”

“How do you figure that?”

“Well, when I was twenty I couldn’t hold twenty-five dollars worth of groceries in one arm; now I can. At this rate I’ll have the strength of Superman by the time I’m eighty.”

“Okay. Let’s see what comes up.”

Usually a client gets twenty to thirty matches. In my case, only one match appeared.

“I think this would be the perfect gal for you,” Bob explained. “As a matter of fact, I think she’s made just for you.”

The dating machine had picked the wife of Frankenstein’s monster as my ideal mate. Maybe I‘d have a chance. She hated the monster, and unlike him, I’m not green, and I don’t have bolts sticking out of my neck. And furthermore, most of my parts are original.

Mother-in-Law Jokes and Other Goofy Stuff

 

• My three-year-old grandson has been taught to call me Gramps. Evidently, the little guy is a good judge of character. He calls me “Grump.”

• Three years ago my friend married a gal he called “Miss Right.” Only later did he learn that her first name was “Always.”

• The most important words for a husband to learn: “Yes, dear” and “I'm Sorry.”

• A recent study indicates that marriage is the chief cause for divorce.

• My wife thinks I should be royalty. She often wants to crown me.

• She has given me a royal title that refers to my love of hamburgers: “Sirloin of Beef.”

• A friend of mine said I was two-faced. I ask you, if I had another face, would I be wearing this one?

• My wife told me I don't talk to her anymore. It's just that I don't want to interrupt her.

• My mother-in-law has a photograph of me hanging on her living room wall. It's attached to a dart board.

• Insanity is inherited. We get it from our children.

• The army prefers married men. They are already trained to take orders.

• Little green men hovered over Washington, D. C. in their flying saucer. They reported to their home planet that no intelligent life forms were found there.

• I tried to make peace with my mother-in-law. She was willing to bury the hatchet-right through my skull!

• My wife says we men are simply overgrown boys. I've had it. One more crack like that and I will kick her out of my fort.

• I've found the secret to happiness: Quit watching the nightly news. Instead, watch old Laurel and Hardy flicks.

• When my wife came home from shopping, she told me her car's carburetor had water in it. “How do you know?” I asked. “Because the car's in the river below our house,” she replied.

• There is at least one good thing about having a face like mine: I never have to buy a Halloween mask.

• Knowing that I'm interested in outer space, my mother-in-law raised money to pay for me to go to the moon. Only later did I learn that the ticket was one-way.

• Once I had a try-out to play center field for the Yankees. Only three minor factors kept me from getting the job. I couldn't hit, throw, or run. On the other hand, I looked great in pinstripes.

• In a fair world, Elvis would still be living, and all his imitators would be dead.

• Women have argued that if given a chance, they could do as well in Congress as the men do. Unfortunately, this has proven to be true.

* When I tried out for the movies, the director told me I had more of a face for radio.

The Walking King

 

Until the last four months of her life, my mother walked everywhere. At the age of 77, she was still conquering both hills and valleys as she “hoofed it” to town and back. In the early ’50s my impatient father gave her a brief driving lesson which consisted of one trip around the horse track at the fairgrounds. After putting up with about three minutes' worth of Dad’s nagging and criticism, Mom declared that she would never again get behind the wheel, so she continued to walk.

Perhaps because of Mom’s influence,  I walk at least a half hour every day. About twenty years ago my cousin Rick and I trained for several weeks so that we could make a 55-mile journey on foot to the state’s biggest city. The first half of that trip covered hilly terrain, but we were in great shape. However, we awakened the next morning to discover painful blisters on our feet. Needless to say, the second half of the trip took quite a bit longer than the first half, but we were determined to finish even if we had to crawl.

But my family and I are mere amateurs in the field of walking when compared to one Edward Payson Weston. Born in 1839, he perhaps more than any other person ignited a long-distance walking craze.

IN 1860, Weston lost a bet when Abraham Lincoln was elected president. As a result, he had to walk from Boston to Washington, D. C. to attend the presidential inauguration. He covered the almost five hundred-mile trip in under ten and a half days, arriving late for the inauguration but in time to attend the inaugural ball.

Turning professional, he won a $10,000 prize in 1867 for a walk of over 1,200 miles from Portland, Maine to Chicago, Illinois. This took 26 days. He and rival walkers were considered heroes, much as football and basketball players are today.

Usually he would eat while he walked, and he would take brief naps along the route. Sometimes friendly folks would invite him in for a meal and give him a roof over his head while he slept.

In 1869 he covered more than 1,000 miles through snowy New England in 30 days. He spent several years in Europe. IN 1876 he defeated the English race walking champion in a 24-hour, 115-mile competition. The Englishman quit after 65.6 miles, which he covered in 14 hours. Weston, however, continued for the full 24 hours, covering almost 110 miles. He was victorious once again in 1879 when he won a 550-mile race against “Blower” Brown, the British champion.

In 1906, he traveled over 100 miles, from Philadelphia to New York, in less than 24 hours. In 1907, although nearing the age of 70, he once again completed the Portland-to-Chicago trip, beating his old time by more than 24 hours. His last major walk, from New York City to Minneapolis, was covered in 51 days.

Even in old age, Weston continued to urge people to walk for the health benefits that it accrued. He believed that automobiles were making people fat and lazy.

Ironically, in 1927 Weston was hit by a New York City taxicab, and as a result was confined to a wheelchair for the rest of his life. His long life ended in 1929.

Weston is correct; most Americans do need more exercise, and walking is a cheap and fun way to get it. Thank goodness, however, one doesn’t need to walk from Portland to Chicago to reap the health benefits.