You are getting old if...

 You are getting old if...

• happy hour is your nap time.

• the fire warden limits the number of candles on your birthday cake.

• you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.

• your children look middle-aged.

• Depends have replaced Speedos.

• your mind makes contracts that your body can't keep.

• you feel like the morning after, but you haven't been anywhere.

• when walking, your feet make the same sounds as a bowl of Rice Krispies.

• when hiking, vultures follow you

  .

* you sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.

* you need a GPS that tells you where you're going and why you're going there.

• you're afraid to visit a museum because they might not let you leave.

• the candles on your cake cost more than the cake.

• your knees buckle, but your belt won't.

• most of your underwear is older than your doctors.

• it takes twice as long to look half as good.

• the only females who pursue you are mosquitoes.

• your back goes out more than you do.

• people say, “You look good for your age.”

• your idea of spending a night out is sitting on the patio.

• there is nothing left to learn the hard way.

• it takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

• someone admires your turtleneck sweater, and then you realize you're not wearing one!

• the only place you hear your favorite songs is in an elevator.

• Your grandson asks if you voted for Lincoln. You say “yes.”

* Age is simply mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter!

I've Learned a Few Things

 

Throughout the years, I've learned a few things:

• When you make a mistake, treat yourself as you would treat another person who had committed the same goof-up. Often, we are more critical of ourselves than we are of other folks.

• Simply stay away from anyone who consistently treats you disrespectfully. Life is too short to spend precious time around somebody who is always putting you down.

• Don't do something just to get praise or awards. Do something because it's the right thing to do.

• Recognize when you accomplish something and praise yourself; don't worry about recognition from others. When that happens, fine, but don't make external recognition all that important.

• Be a good listener. Let the other person finish their thoughts before you speak.

• Remember that in God's eyes, you are important, but you are no more important than the rest of His “lambs.”

• Work hard at your occupation, but don't let it consume your entire life.

• Do not have blind total loyalty to your employers. Most of them would fire you in a New York minute if that would save them a buck.

• Be caring and polite to the people you do not have to be caring and polite.

• No matter our skin color, our sexual orientation, or our wealth (or lack thereof), we are all children of God.

• Make the time to spend with your spouse, children, and friends. After you work yourself half to death, the company will not have a statue made in your likeness. Nor will it rename the company headquarters in your name.

• If you have a spouse or a significant other, always treat them as equal partners.

• Don't watch more than two hours of news per night; otherwise, your brain could turn to mush.

• Find an interesting hobby that you can do all by yourself whenever family and friends are busy doing other things.

• Serve others. It's good for them, and it's good for you, too.

• Don't get stuck in a rut. Occasionally, try new things.

• If you have a spouse or significant other, at least once a day, tell them that you love them, and mean it.

• At least once a week, forget about all the negative stuff. Instead, count your blessings, you lucky stiff!

• Remember that there is SOMEONE bigger than you and me.

• When you need to, criticize your nation, but never stop loving it.

• If your wife asks if a certain outfit makes her backside look big, the answer is always NO!

* This might be the most important lesson of all: Never eat the yellow snow.

Quotes about Relationships

 

• “Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.” Henny Youngman.

• “The best thing to hold onto in life is each other.” Audrey Hepburn.

• “Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.” Erma Bombeck.

• “A perfect marriage is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.” Unknown.

• “A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.” Milton Berle.

• “A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.” Mignon McLaughlin.

• “My husband and I have never considered divorce...murder sometimes, but never divorce.” Joyce Brothers.

• “We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” Henny Youngman.

• “Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” Phyllis Diller.

• “Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.” Benjamin Franklin.

• “Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.” Groucho Marx.

• “Never marry the one you can live with; marry the one you cannot live without.”' Unknown.

• “Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

• “I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy the rest of your life.” Rita Rudner.

• “I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” Groucho Marx.

• “A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.” Ruth Graham.

• “All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” Red Skelton.

• “Don't ever stop dating your wife and don't ever stop flirting with your husband.” Unknown.

• “My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day, she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.” Rodney Dangerfield.

• “People are always asking couples where marriage has endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.” Erma Bombeck.

  * “To get the full value of joy, you must have someone to divide it with.” Mark Twain.

• “We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations-we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.” Rodney Dangerfield.

• “Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.” Mae West. 

Gunsmoke-the Lost Episode

 

• Gunsmoke, the longest-running TV western (1955-1975), officially had 635 episodes. However, a long-lost show was recently discovered at the bottom of my sock drawer. You may ask how that could be. Well, Groucho Marx once shot an elephant in his pajamas. To this day, we have no idea how that elephant got into Groucho's pajamas. Some things remain a mystery.

The bewhiskered Festus rides into Dodge City on his trusty mule. He stops at the Long-Branch Saloon for a sandwich and a cold beer. He is greeted by the proprietor, Miss Kitty.

Kitty: “What are you having, stranger?”

Festus: “A cold tall beer and a sandwich, ma'am, and a couple beers for my mule.”

The tall and handsome Marshal Matt Dillon enters the saloon. Miss Kitty's eyes are riveted on him.

Festus: “Is he your man, Miss Kitty?”

Kitty: “I wish. What a hunk! However, he refuses to get romantically involved. Something about giving his full attention to the law.”

Festus: “He doesn't have a sweetheart?”

Kitty: “Well, unless he has a secret one, no. I've literally thrown myself at him, but he'd rather polish his badge than kiss me!

Dillon steps to the bar and orders a glass of milk. A bad guy dressed in black (not Johnny Cash) mocks the marshal.

Outlaw: “You're a sissy, Dillon! Real men drink whiskey, and plenty of it! I dare you to drink firewater with me!”

Dillon quietly drinks his milk.

Outlaw: “I'm calling you out, sissy. Draw!”

Dillon: “I'm tough enough to deal with you, bub.”

Outlaw: “Why do you think you're so tough?”

Dillon: “Because I drink my milk out of a dirty glass.”

Outlaw: “I meant no offense, Marshal. I was just kidding about a gunfight, sir.”

After Miss Kitty introduces Festus to Dillon, the marshal asks if he would be interested in a deputy's job.

Festus: “Well, I don't shoot too straight, I have anger issues, and I make stupid mistakes.”

Dillon: “That's okay. The only other candidate for the job, whose name was Barney something, had been a sheriff's deputy, but he was so dangerous with a gun that the sheriff only gave him one bullet at a time.”

Festus: “Then I'll take the job!”

Doc Adams enters the saloon and sits down with Festus and Dillon. The doctor and the new deputy take an instant dislike to each other.

Festus: “So, Doc, where did ya' get your medical training?”'

Doc Adams: “I learned on the job during the Civil War.”

Festus: “Is that why they call you Old Sawbones?”

Doc Adams: “Why, you grisly old nincompoop! Nobody calls me that!”

Festus: “Then, what was the main thing you learned during the war?”

Doc Adams: “I learned how to hold a patient down with my left arm while sawing off his arm or his leg with my right one. I've found that this technique keeps patients from coming in for simple or imaginary illnesses.”

Festus: “I think my mule has more sense than you do, Doc.”

Doc Adams: “You scoundrel! I'll cut off your limbs for free! Then we can call you Stumpy!”

Festus:” Matthew, since I'm new here and all, how about if I treat you to lunch? You could tell me all about Dodge.”

Dillon: “Sorry, Festus, but I have a date with the love of my life. These roses are for her.”

Miss Kitty hears the conversation. In anticipation, she quickly runs her fingers through her hair and chews on a breath mint.

To Kitty's surprise and dismay, Dillon walks past her table, exits the saloon, and heads for the stables. Upon reaching his horse, he presents her with the roses and then plants a big kiss upon her forehead.

Miss Kitty: “I wonder if that Barney Fife fellow is dating anyone?”

Mother-in-Law Jokes

 

• Mother-in-law stereotypes are not fair to the vast majority of women who hold that position. However, keeping that in mind, mother-in-law jokes are funny.

• “Just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.” Henny Youngman.

• “It's not that we didn't get along; it's just that my mother-in-law is very objective. She objected to everything I did.” Beverly D'Angelo.

• “I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for eighteen months. I don't like to interrupt her.” Ken Dodd.

• “Adam was the luckiest man in the world. He had no mother-in-law.” Mark Twain.

• “Have I got a mother-in-law. She's so neat, she puts paper under the cuckoo.” Henny Youngman.

• “My mother-in-law has come (a)round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in.” Les Dawson.

• “I told my mother-in-law, 'My house is your house.' So she sold it.” Henny Youngman.

• “The mother of a trophy wife is not automatically a trophy mother-in-law.” John Grisham.

• “I wanted to do something nice, so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.” Henny Youngman.

• “Behind every successful man is a proud wife and a surprised mother-in-law.” Hubert H. Humphrey.

• “My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed; I never knew they worked.” Les Dawson.

• “We were having tea with my mother-in-law the other day, and out of the blue she said,'I've decided I want to be cremated.' I said, 'Alright, get your coat.'” Dave Spikey.

• “Be kind to your mother-in-law, but pay for her board at some good hotel.” Josh Billings.

• “The only thing more intimidating than a huge international film star is your mother-in-law.” Benjamin Walker.

• “They (mothers-in-law) never leave when they say they will. When my mother-in-law visits, the mice throw themselves at the cat, begging to be eaten.” Lisa Kleypas.

• “I'm often accused of saying some pretty rotten things about my mother-in-law, but quite honestly, she's only got one major fault-it's called breathing.” Les Dawson.

• “A car is like a mother-in-law; if you let it, it will rule your life.” Jaime Lerner.

• “I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said, 'Keep her moving, sir; we're stock -taking.'” Les Dawson.

• “My wife is the kind of girl who will not go anywhere without her mother, and her mother will go anywhere.” John Barrymore.

• “Scrum is like your mother-in-law; it points out all your faults.” Ken Schwaber.

All about Baseball

 

Professional pitchers have thrown darts at batters for over 150 years. The National Association of Professional Baseball Players lasted from 1871 to 1875. The National League was formed in 1876, while the Junior Circuit, the American League, was established in 1901. The various Negro Leagues played from 1920 until 1951.

Miraculously, while billions of pitches have been fired toward home plate, only one batter has died after being “beaned” - hit in the head by a pitched ball. Tragically, on August 17, 1920, just 12 hours after being hit in the head by a pitch thrown by Carl Mays of the Yankees, Cleveland's Raymond Chapman died.

There had long been concern about the hitters' safety. In 1905, the first crude headgear was invented. It was described as looking like an “...inflatable boxing glove that wrapped around the hitter's head.”

In 1941, the Brooklyn Dodgers became the first team to require helmets for their batters. In 1956, the National League made helmets mandatory, but several players were “grandfathered' from the new rule.

Major League Baseball officially mandated plastic batting helmets in 1971. Bob Montgomery, a catcher who had been “grandfathered,” was the last Major Leaguer to play without a helmet. As a member of the Boston Red Sox, Montgomery made his last appearance on September 9, 1979. Instead of a helmet, he wore a plastic liner inside his cap.

During the 1934 World Series, a star pitcher, Dizzy Dean, joked that a beaning didn't do him any damage. “The doctors took X-rays of my head, “he said, “and found nothing.”

Jackie Robinson broke the color barrier in Major League Baseball when he made his debut on April 15, 1947, with the Brooklyn Dodgers. That year, he was named the National League Rookie of the Year. In 1949, he was the League's Most Valuable Player, leading all National League batters with an average of .342. For his career, Robinson stole 200 bases and hit .313.

In 1997, Robinson's number 42 as retired. On April 15th of each season, all managers, coaches, and players wear his number in tribute. In 1962, the great Jackie Robinson was inducted into baseball's Hall of Fame.

After Robinson began playing, there would be no return to the racist days of old. Two other Black men had previously played in the Major Leagues. Moses Fleetwood Walker played for the Toledo Blue Stockings in 1884. Evidently, William Edward White was the first Black player, having played one game for the Providence Grays in 1879. Sadly, he had to pretend to be white to get into the game.

Babe Ruth would never have dreamed this, but in 2026, baseball has an automated ball-strike challenge. The data proves that umpires are not blind, as many fans have screamed over the years, but it's proof that the men in blue are not perfect. During the first four days of the season, there were 124 challenges, with 67 of them overturned (54%). Evidently, catchers know the strike zone better than the hitters do. Catchers had 64% of their challenges upheld.

Imagine that a mad scientist has sent you back to the year 1876, but there is no way to get back to the present. Therefore, you might as well buy a straw hat and attend some games from the National League's initial season. Pick a team to follow: Boston Red Stockings, Chicago White Stockings, Cincinnati Red Stockings, Hartford Dark Blues, Louisville Grays, Mutual of New York (also called the Green Stockings), Philadelphia Athletics, and the St. Louis Brown Stockings.

My wife noticed that many early teams had nicknames referring to their socks. Looking at my feet, she wanted to know if I was the manager of the Dirty Socks or perhaps the Holy Socks. Then she decided I was the owner of the Stinky Socks. Sadly, she has no reverence for baseball's history!

Spitballs and Mudballs

After the 1919 baseball season was completed, a special rule was established. It banned foreign substances from being applied to a baseball. This included such things as paraffin, saliva, and hair tonic, just to name a few. In addition, defacing the ball by scratching it was prohibited. Breaking the new rule led to a 10-day suspension.

Now we move forward to the baseball season of 1934. You are the home plate umpire. On the mound is Burleigh Grimes, who is known for “dusting off” anyone having the audacity to crowd the plate. Moreover, according to legend, Grimes was so aggressive that he allegedly “dusted off” the on-deck hitter waiting in the batter's circle!

Now, let's say one of the greatest hitters of all-time, Lou Gehrig, is coming to the plate. Right in front of you, the pitcher pulls out of his pocket a small bottle containing some kind of grease. While you watch, he generously applies the substance to the ball, thus giving himself an advantage over Gehrig, for “doctored” balls seem to “drop off the table” right before reaching the plate.

Remember, you are the home plate umpire. Furthermore, you have witnessed the pitcher applying the foreign substance. You are probably thinking, “I'd throw the bum out of the game, and he would be suspended.” Actually, you are wrong. In this case, neither you nor your fellow umpires could do anything about it. Grimes would throw his “grease-ball,” and Gehrig would simply have to deal with it.

“Why?” you might ask. When the rule was made, there were still 17 pitchers in the major leagues who were throwing doctored balls. For some reason, those hurlers were “grandfathered,” which meant they could go right on doing their thing for the rest of their careers. 1934 was the final season for Grimes, who was the last of the “grandfathered” pitchers.

Of course, even after Grimes, the last legal grease-baller, some pitchers continued to cheat. The Yankees' Whitey Ford, who pitched in the '50s and '60s, was the ace of the staff. However, near the end of his career, the fastball began losing some steam.

Therefore, when he was in a jam, Ford would occasionally throw a spitball or a mudball (saliva and dirt), but he was most successful when delivering a scratched baseball. It has been said that Ford could make a defaced ball do just about anything but whistle Dixie.

After buying a cheap ring, Ford notched grooves around its perimeter. Whenever Ford was in a tough spot, say when men were on second and third, he would rub up the ball, giving it a few scratch marks from the ring. The batter would complain when the ball seemed to drop off a table, but for a long time, the men in blue couldn't figure out how the Yankee ace was committing his evil deed.

Eventually, a clever umpire discovered the ring and ordered Ford to get rid of it. He complied, but the doctored balls continued to dip and doodle.

Elston Howard, the catcher, then filed a few grooves into his shin guard. Whenever Ford gave a special signal, Howard would nonchalantly rub the ball along the shin guard before returning it to the mound. Therefore, Ford's pitches continued to drop off the table.

Gaylord Perry, who played from 1962-1983, used various foreign substances to have an edge over the hitters. According to research, Perry's arsenal included Vaseline, K. Y. Jelly, and hair tonic.  Despite this, he was ejected only once during his career for messing up baseballs.

Who says crime doesn't pay? Burleigh Grimes, Whitey Ford, and Gaylord Perry are all members of baseball's Hall of Fame (Of course, technically, Grimes was not cheating), and I think they should be. Of course, I think Pete Rose belongs there, too, but that is another blog for another time.