Roughing It

My wife comes from a family of outdoorsmen (outdoors-people?). She and her family got more than their money's worth with their tent, and later, their simple camper. From their point of view, the good life involves what they call “roughing it.” During their outdoor adventures, they did without a comfortable bed, air conditioning, and even a TV set.

Actually, when I was a kid, I probably spent more time outdoors than my sweetheart did. Until the age of five, several times a day, I had to follow a long, winding path to our outhouse. Talk about roughing it! In the summer that little building was a sauna, and in the winter it became an icebox.

Back in the day, kindergarten was optional. While all my friends were in school painting pictures and taking naps, I made paths and huts throughout the nearby forest. Like Daniel Boone and other heroes, I was a trailblazer.

After our marriage, my wife requested a tent. On our maiden voyage, so to speak, we set up camp at a nearby park. Sadly, my arrangements did not compare favorably with her concept of roughing it.

“Why did you get a site with electricity?” she asked.

“Well, dear,” I replied, “I need electricity for my radio, my electric razor, my portable TV set, and my electric blanket.”

“That's not roughing it! Having a TV set here is not roughing it!”

“It is roughing it, dear. From here I can only pick up the local channel; that's only one more channel than Daniel Boone watched!”

For supper I took her to a nearby restaurant, where we dined on hamburgers, fries, and apple pie. My better half admitted the food was great, but nevertheless, she was disappointed.

“When roughing it, you cook over an open fire. You go out in the woods to gather your own wood, and you rub sticks together to start the fire. Eating at a restaurant is not roughing it!”

“It most certainly is,” I argued. “I picked this particular restaurant because it has no air conditioning. I bet old Daniel Boone ate at inns without air conditioning, too.”

“No doubt,” she conceded, “but he wasn't watching a football game on TV while he ate.”

Although she thought it was cheating, I brought along air mattresses. She argued that if Boone had had an air mattress, he would have blown it up with his mouth.

“He would have blown the air mattress up by his mouth only because he didn't have a better way to do it,” I responded. “I bet he would have paid a pretty penny for an air pump.”

An hour after turning in, it began to rain. After about three hours into this downpour, the tent began leaking. About a half hour later, a newly formed stream began to work its way into our tent. Reluctantly, my wife agreed to wait out the storm in the dryness and relative safety of the car.

By early morning, the rain was still coming down in buckets. Only a fish would have been comfortable in our tent at that point, so with great regret, my wife agreed to go home, leaving the tent for the time being.

Forty-five minutes later, safe and sound in our own bed, I was just about to fall asleep when my boss said, “You must be happy; now you don't have to rough it.”

“Just for you, dear, I am roughing it,” I corrected her.

“How?”

“I'm only using one thin sheet, and I unplugged the electric blanket. Daniel Boone has nothing on me.”

A Few Things

 

A Few Things

• With such high fuel costs, this Christmas I've decided to be bad so that Santa will fill my stocking with coal.

• Finally, Congress has simplified the tax forms. Step one: List year's gross income. Step two: Add twenty percent of gross income. Step three: Send check.

• I'm less worried about artificial intelligence than I am about human intelligence (or lack thereof).

• It's probably a good thing few new westerns are being filmed. No doubt, Hollywood would make them “politically correct,” which, of course, would make a mess of things.

• Sadly, when enough people claim that everything is racist, many folks begin to believe nothing is.

• After a pretty gal danced with me, I said, “Thank you. I wanted to dance with you in the worst way.” She smiled and replied, “Mission accomplished.”

• I'm so old that in school we had Indian raid drills instead of fire drills.

• Speaking of being old, my grandson asked if I had voted for Lincoln. After I answered in the negative, he said, “Oh, then you must be a Democrat.”

• In 1930, during the Great Depression, a reporter pointed out to Babe Ruth that he was making more money than President Hoover. Without missing a beat, Babe replied that he was having a better year than Hoover.

• Why don't sharks eat clowns? Because they taste funny.

• Dad said some people couldn't pour water out of a boot with directions on the heel.

• Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7-8-9.

• A slice of apple pie in Jamaica is $2.50, $3.75 in Bermuda, and $3.00 in the Bahamas. Those are the pie-rates of the Caribbean.

• Man on phone: “My wife is pregnant! Her contractions are only two minutes apart!” Doctor: “Is this her first child?” Man: “No, you idiot! This is her husband!”

• I went to an ophthalmologist because I was seeing spots before my eyes. With my new glasses, I see the spots much more clearly.

• I had to quit my high school marching band because of back problems. I played the piano.

• After I gave a speech, a woman approached me, saying, “If you were my husband, I'd poison your tea.” “If you were my wife,” I replied, “I'd drink it.”

• One of my enemies said I was two-faced. That's ridiculous. If I had a second face, do you think I'd be wearing this one?

• A man went to the desk and said, “I want a cheeseburger, fries, and a chocolate shake.” The lady replied, “Quiet, please! This is a library!” The man, speaking in a whisper: “I want a cheeseburger, fries, and a chocolate shake.”

• What kind of felines bowl? Alley cats.

• Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Newspapers

After supper, Dad would park himself in his recliner, turn on the TV set, light a Camel cigarette, and then proceed to read the evening newspaper from front to back, with the exception of the sports section. (From his point of view, sports were a waste of time). He even read the want ads and all the other advertisements.

Since Dad was the king of the household, he had first dibs on the evening paper, so I had to wait for my chance. Before I could read, I scanned the newspaper, looking at the photographs and drawings. After becoming somewhat literate, I read any history articles before devouring the sports pages. Then I read everything else. (And like Dad, I read the advertisements.)

When I was a kid, our town of 40,000 was served by both a morning and an evening paper. At one time, we had three newspapers! My brother had what must have been the largest paper route in town. The company put three routes together, giving him a lot of customers and, therefore, a lot of headaches. The Sunday paper was heavy enough to give one a hernia. I can remember lugging a bag of those monsters along the route. Within five minutes, the bag's strap was cutting into my shoulder.

Unfortunately, my brother had to collect the money from the customers. Most of the folks paid promptly, but a few made every excuse under the sun. If a customer didn't pay, it came out of the carrier's profits. Eventually, my brother stopped delivery to a guy who had not paid in some time, but the newspaper office overruled him.

In 1959, Dad was as mad as a hornet when his beloved evening newspaper was discontinued. I, on the other hand, was thrilled to think that from then on we'd get the morning edition. That way, I concluded, I could check out the baseball, basketball, or football scores before going to school.

Unfortunately, things didn't work out the way I had hoped. After a few weeks of grumbling, Dad began reading the morning paper while he devoured his typically large breakfast of eggs, bacon or sausage, toast, and oatmeal. While scanning the advertisements, he consumed several large mugs of strong black coffee. By the time he was finished with the newspaper, it was time for me to go to school, so as usual, I had to wait until evening to read the latest news.

Like many Midwestern towns, this city has lost much of its industrial base. As a result, the population has dropped to about 24,000. We have one morning paper that is no longer delivered by carriers. One can either have a paper copy sent through the mail or sign up for the electronic edition.

Eventually, all newspapers will operate exclusively electronically. By doing so, a publishing company won't need printing presses or tons of ink or paper. Moreover, fewer employees will be needed. And, of course, the delivery problem is then solved.

Being an old man set in my ways, I've had difficulties adjusting to the electronic version. These days, if one wants to keep a specific article, he has to copy it from the printer instead of merely cutting it out of the newspaper with a trusty pair of scissors. I must admit to having the habit of reading the paper while sitting on the throne, so to speak. Nowadays, one has to either roll the computer into the bathroom, use one's cellphone, or waste precious ink and paper printing several pages.

Sadly, many newspaper companies are struggling. There are many more ways to get your daily news. As a result, some papers have folded, while others have merged or been bought out by large syndicates.

I fear my hometown might someday lose its local paper. That would be a tragedy. Of course, we could subscribe to big city papers, but their publishers would have little interest in covering the daily happenings in our town. Our little-town newspaper features local authors, local history, and the activities of local citizens. Big-city papers wouldn't waste their time on such things.

To lose our newspaper would be to lose our identity. Sadly, the local paper is no longer published locally, but it is still being published. As we look for ways to revitalize our economy and create more job opportunities, we need to keep our pride and optimism. Losing our newspaper would be a setback in our endeavors to make this town once again a wonderful place to live.

A Few Thoughts

 

• When I was a kid, the girls and boys played Spin the Bottle. If the bottle pointed to a boy, the girl could either kiss him or give him a quarter. By age 14, I owned my own house and car.

• I waited in the restaurant's bathroom for over two hours. A sign there said, “Employees must wash hands.” Unfortunately, no employees showed up.

• In high school, I told the coach I was going out for basketball. “Sorry,” he said. “We already have a basketball.”

• I replied affirmatively when the basketball coach asked if I could shoot. I never said I could make any shots, but I could shoot.

• Wow! I watched a liberal newscaster do a half-hour program, and he only referred to Trump as a Nazi three times!

• One of my friends is getting a divorce. When they were married, he called her “Miss Right.” Only later did he discover her first name was “Always.”

• Did you hear about the diamond mine owner and his wife getting a divorce? She got the mine and he got the shaft.

• The third grade teacher was excited about her UCLA Bruins hosting Southern Cal in football. She said to her class, “Raise your hand if you're a UCLA fan!” All but little Billy raised their hands. “Why are you not a UCLA fan?” the teacher asked. Billy replied: “My dad is a Southern Cal fan, my mom is a Southern Cal fan, and my big brother is a Southern Cal fan, so I'm a Southern Cal fan.” The ticked-off teacher remarked: “By that logic, if your dad was a moron, your mother was a moron, and your big brother was a moron, then what would that make you?” “That would make me a UCLA fan, teacher.”

• Supposedly, Calvin Coolidge was a man of few words. A lady approached him and said, “Mr. Coolidge, I have a bet with my friends that I can get three words out of you.” Coolidge turned to the lady and replied, “You lose.”

• Ronald Reagan said politics is the world's second-oldest profession. He added that it very much resembles the first.

• The judge had to decide who would get custody of little Billy. The judge said, “Billy, I've decided to give custody to your mother.” “Judge,” the little boy replied, “you can't do that.” “Why?” asked the judge. “Because he beats me.” “Well, in that case, I will give custody to your father.” “But he beats me too.” Then who would you like to have custody?” asked the judge. “I want the Cleveland Browns to have custody.” “The Browns? Why?” “Because they don't beat anybody.”

• Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.

• I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

• Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

• I was having lunch with a chess champion. The table had a checkered tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

• Quote of the day from Rodney Dangerfield: “I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”

I Distinctly Remember My Family's Restaurant Visits

 

* Dedicated to Dr. Rev. Herbert Hicks.  Our loss is Heaven's gain.

Occasionally Dad would inform my brother and me that on the upcoming Saturday we would be spending the day with him at work. For his part, my brother was delighted. He loved nothing more than to watch our mechanic father change tires, tune engines, and check radiators.

I, on the other hand, was devastated, having no interest in mechanical things. My normal Saturday consisted of playing softball with my neighborhood friends, watching the “Baseball Game of the Week,” and reading my current stack of library books. From my point of view, going to work with Dad amounted to a wasted weekend.

On one particular weekend we traveled to a company station about twenty miles from home. Normally, Dad would finish work about 5 p. m. Then we would pile into the company truck and head home for supper.

Our family never starved; we had clothes on our backs and a roof over our heads, but we lived frugally. Up to this time, I had never eaten at a restaurant. The closest I had come to eating out occurred on those few times I ate lunch at the school cafeteria. Usually I took a sack lunch.

On that Saturday, Dad ran into some problems. It was close to seven-thirty by the time he finished. Evidently, Dad was starving, because he took us to a nearby restaurant. At the age of nine, I was about to experience my first restaurant meal.

Country music was blaring from a jukebox as we entered the building. After we sat at a corner booth, a waitress handed us menus. Today I had breakfast, but to tell the truth, I can't remember what I ate. Yet, way back on that particular Saturday, I distinctly recall what I had ordered.

I had a large cheeseburger that I improved tremendously by drenching it in ketchup. Half the plate was covered with French fries. Along with these two items, I ordered a large Coca-Cola.

After consuming our meals, we watched a guy play at a pinball machine. This was the first time I'd seen such a thing.

Besides not eating at restaurants, we didn't waste money on vacations. Dad's annual two weeks off work usually were spent scraping and painting the house and the garage. So to say the least, this was not exactly a fun time.

During one particular summer, however, some relatives living near Washington, D. C., invited us to visit. When near our destination, Dad decided to stop at a diner so we would not impose upon our relatives. This time I ordered a cheeseburger, fries, AND a chocolate milkshake. I even had the nerve to ask for a second burger, and to my surprise, my wish was granted.

A year or so later, Dad decided to take his family to a restaurant in a town where he sometimes worked. It was fancier than the two previously mentioned restaurants, but the food was no better. Of course, I ordered French fries, but instead of a cheeseburger I got a big square of some type of fish. These were washed down by a glass of iced tea.

Now we fast-forward a few more years. We were visiting relatives in a city about 80 miles from home. Since we arrived in town at lunchtime, Dad took us into what seemed like an ordinary eatery located in the basement of a large hotel.

When Dad looked at the menu, I think he almost fainted, for the prices at that time were out of this world. We didn't get up and leave, but Dad made certain we kids chose only the cheapest items listed. During the meal, he complained about the cost so much that I volunteered to swipe the silverware. He gave it some thought before vetoing the idea.

I did save Dad some money that day. The stall in the men's restroom was locked; a dime was needed to open it. My brother needed to use the bathroom, but he was afraid to ask our upset Dad for money. Being creative and being a little kid, with little difficulty, I crawled under the door of the stall and then opened it. You're welcome, Dad.

These are the only ones I remember. Those occasions were special simply because they seldom occurred.

Miscellaneous Facts

      Ketchup was invented in the 1830s as a treatment for indigestion.

• From 1900 until 1920, tug of war was an Olympic event.

• The first toy to be advertised on TV was Mr. Potato Head.

• Abraham Lincoln was a licensed bartender.

• No astronaut said, “Houston, we have a problem!” That was said by Tom Hanks in the movie, “Apollo 13.”

• Creme Puff was the world's oldest cat, living to the ripe old age of 38 years and 3 days.

• Sudan has more ancient pyramids than Egypt.

• The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

• There are 18 teams in the Big Ten Conference.

• No two people have the same fingerprints, not even twins.

• Eggplants do not contain eggs.

• There are more caribou living in Alaska than there are people.

• Hamburgers are not made from ham.

• It takes more than 500 peanuts to make one jar of peanut butter.

• Adults have fewer bones than babies have. Eventually,  several bones fuse together.

• Pineapples do not contain apples.

• Abraham Lincoln is a member of the Wrestling Hall of Fame.

• The Barbie doll's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.

• Cookie Monster's real name is Sidney.

• “Flammable” and “inflammable” mean the same thing.

• We've all heard the phrase, “as American as apple pie,” but apples are native to Asia, and the first recorded recipe for apple pie was from England.

• There are fewer people in New Zealand than there are sheep.

• Babe Ruth is remembered as one of baseball's greatest hitters, but he entered the Major Leagues as a top-flight pitcher.

• Polar bears have black skin under their white fur.

• Americans eat more than 17 billion quarts of popcorn annually. I bet most of it is consumed by my wife!

• Scotland's national animal is the unicorn.

• Canada has more lakes than the rest of the world combined.

1887 Newspaper Advertisements

 

A neighbor gave me several Zanesville, Ohio Daily Courier newspapers dated from November and December of 1887. I found the advertisements to be most interesting.

IF YOU HAVE no appetite, indigestion, flatulence, sick headache, “all run down,” losing flesh, you will find TUTT'S PILLS the remedy you need. They tone up the weak stomach and build up the flagging energies. Sufferers from mental or physical overwork will find relief from them. Nicely sugar-coated. SOLD EVERYWHERE.

LADIES' TOBOGGAN JACKETS, AT GRANT'S. We are too far from the north pole to render the building of toboggan slides a profitable industry, but that need not interfere with our Zanesville ladies wearing toboggan jackets. In fact, they are fast becoming as popular for indoor wear as the long-lived and indestructible jersey. They are also very nice for street wear underneath a medium weight garment. These jackets are all wool, ribbed, close fitting, come in stripes of contrasting colors, and are made sleeveless. ALEXANDER GRANT.

Some grand bargains, some rare bargains, before we move. We have some Second-hand, Square and Upright Pianos, and Second-hand Organs we will sell at Greatly Reduced Prices before we move. We have delayed in our moving, but look out for our announcement a little later. H. D. MUNSON & SONS.

PINKERTON'S ORIENTAL COFFEE. The consumption of Pinkerton's Oriental Coffee has had a steady growth from consumers, and at the present time is growing more rapidly than at any time during the past. We have thousands of the best families in Ohio who have tested it in every possible manner, and now use it exclusively. We roast nothing but high-grade, sound Coffee, nicely blended, and with our own exclusive process for cleaning, roasting and packing, we furnish you the perfection of Coffee in cleanliness, purity and strength. PINKERTON COFFEE CO. 11 & 13 Fourth Street, Zanesville, O.

DR. GRAY'S CROWNING SYSTEM. BRIDGE WORK-ARTIFICIAL TEETH WITHOUT PLATES. By this method, good roots which remain in the jaw may be restored to perfect usefulness and beauty, and made so solid that they will perform the office of mastication like the natural teeth. If but four good roots remain in the jaw in proper position, we can attach an entire set of teeth to these roots, and restore the mouth to its original comfort and beauty, without the use of a plate. Where four teeth still remain in the mouth in proper position, we can attach an entire set of teeth without a plate, and without cutting off the teeth. DR. L. M. GRAY, ZANESVILLE, OHIO. (This is the author Zane Grey's father.)

ATH-LO-PHO-ROS PILLS are a quick, pleasant, safe and sure cure for disordered liver, or stomach, indigestion, dyspepsia, constipation, nervous or general debility, headache, lassitude, diseases of women, etc. Neatly put up 100 for 50 cents. Athlophoros Remedies are sold by all druggists.

LAMPS. Hanging Lamps, Stand Lamps, Bracket Lamps. Get our prices before you buy. NEW GOODS THIS WEEK. Wall Pockets, Easels, Pictures, Picture Frames, etc. COME AND SEE THEM. Best place in the city to buy useful and ornamental Holiday presents. E. P. CHURCH & CO., 201 MAIN STREET. Picture Frames made to order. STORE OPEN EVERY EVENING.

SMOKING JACKETS. A new and beautiful line of the justly celebrated Alfred Benjamin & Co. make, just received at the W. DRYFUS & SON. Every lady intending to buy her husband or lover (or both?) a nice CHRISTMAS PRESENT. Should not fail to see them. We have them in FINE SILK VELVET, FINE ENGLISH CLOTH, FRENCH DRAP D'ETE, AND TRICOT CLOTH, in new, fashionable and desirable shades, Silk and Satin Lined, Satin Bound, Quilted Facings and Pocket Flaps. We will cheerfully show them and request everybody desirous of inspecting the line to call early, while the stock is unbroken. We also display the finest line of MUFFLERS, NECKWEAR, SUSPENDERS, SILK UMBRELLAS, ETC. In this city. W. DRYFUS & SON, Leading Haberdashers. 90 MAIN STREET. Open every evening till 9:30.

E. P. BLOOMER, CANDIES AND CONFECTIONERY. No. 176 Main Street. Pure Candies manufactured in our own Factory, from Pure Sugars, and flavored with Fruit Extracts. A Superior Line of Bon Bons and packages of various sizes. A specialty made of TROPICAL FRUITS which we guarantee to sell at the Lowest Possible Prices. All goods warranted to be of the Purest Quality, and specially designed for the Holiday trade. E. P. BLOOMER, CANDIES AND CONFECTIONERY, No. 176 MAIN STREET.