Poking Fun at Bosses (Although Most of Them Don't Deserve It)

• My boss had a meeting about TEAM BUILDING right after the company fired half the staff.

• “Do not underestimate your abilities. That is your boss's job.” Anonymous.

• “Pride, commitment, and teamwork are words they use to get you to work for free.” Anonymous.

• My boss is so overpaid that he can afford to buy a kid for his dog to play with.

• Typically, the workers and the boss are in a power struggle. The boss has the power, and the workers struggle.

• “If you think your boss is stupid, remember: You wouldn't have a job if he was any smarter.” John Gotti.

• How can you make people believe you're the boss? Just stand around and do nothing.

• I demanded a big increase in my weekly paycheck, so the boss increased the font size.

• “The key to being a good manager is keeping the people who hate you away from those people who are still undecided.” Casey Stengel.

• “In most cases, being a good boss means hiring talented people and then getting out of their way.” Tina Fey.

• In an interview, the boss said, starting today, he'd pay me $15 an hour, and in three months he'draise it to $18. When he asked when I'd like to start, I said, “In three months.”

• “Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties.” Doug Larson.

• We call our boss the “computer” because he'll fall asleep within 20 minutes if left unattended.

• “Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.” Peter Drucker.

• “Having a bad boss isn't your fault. Staying with one is.” Nora Denzel.

• I asked the boss if I could come in late today. “Dream on,” he replied. So I slept until noon.

• “If at first you don't succeed, then try management.” Stephen Hawking.

• My boss said, “Remember, there's no 'I' in team.” I whispered to a co-worker, “And there's not much sign of 'U' in it either.”

• My boss suggested I start the team presentation with humor, so I showed my most recent paycheck on the first slide.

• “No man goes before his time unless the boss leaves early.” Groucho Marx.

• “Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.” Earl Nightingale.

• “People ask the difference between a leader and a boss. The leader leads, and the boss drives.” Theodore Roosevelt.

* “Leaders who don't listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” Andy Stanley.

Dumb Football Jokes

• Because of poor grades, the star running back for the top college team was ineligible to play against its top rival. The English professor decided to give the player a chance to regain his eligibility. “Since you play football, I'll ask you to use the word 'officiate' in a sentence. If you can do so, you'll be able to play on Saturday.” After a thoughtful moment, the player replied, “Duh, my brother got sick from a fish he ate.” He scored three touchdowns in the big game.

• What happens to football players who go blind? They become refs.

• What do you call an offensive lineman's kid? A chip off the old blocker.

* A little boy was at the center of a custody battle. “Billy, I've decided to give custody to your mother,” said the judge. “Please don't do that, your honor,” the boy replied. “Why not?” the judge inquired. “Because she beats me!” “Well, in that case, your father will get custody.” “But he beats me too!” “Then who do you want to have custody?” Billy replied, “I want the Cleveland Browns to have custody.” The startled judge asked, “Why the Browns?” Billy answered, “Because the Browns don't beat anybody.” (And I am a life-long Browns fan!)

• For his birthday, a Browns receiver asked his wife to take him someplace he had never been. She had a picnic for him in the end zone.

• My wife knows nothing about football. Recently I took her to a game. She asked, “Why do the fans care so much about a little change?” “What do you mean, dear?” “They were yelling, 'Get the quarter back!'”

• Why was Cinderella considered to be such a lousy football player? Because she was always running away from the ball (think about it).

* The next day, the Wolverines would be playing their arch rivals. The Ann Arbor grade school teacher asked how many of her students were Michigan fans. All but little Billy raised their hands. “Why aren't you a Michigan fan?” the teacher asked. Billy replied, “Well, my father is an Ohio State fan, my mother is an Ohio State fan, and my big brother is an Ohio State fan, so I'm an Ohio State fan too.” Agitated, the teacher responded, “What if your father was a moron, your mother was a moron, and your big brother was a moron? What would that make you?” Billy answered, “That would make me a Michigan fan, teacher.” (If you're a Michigan fan, feel free to switch the names).

• What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys drinking beer and watching a football game.

• What runs around a football stadium but never moves? A fence.

• Why did the football quit the team? He was tired of getting kicked around.

• Why are the Cleveland Browns like a possum? Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

• Why can't football players wear glasses on the field? Because football is a contact sport.

• What does the football say to the punter? “I get a kick out of you!”

• What do you call a Cleveland Browns' player who is wearing a Super Bowl ring? A thief.

• Why did Cinderella never improve her football skills? Because her coach was a pumpkin.

• What do the Cincinnati Bengals (I decided to give the Browns a rest) and Chick-Fil-A workers have in common? They don't show up for work on Sundays.

• Why do football players never get too hot? Because they're surrounded by “fans.”

• What did the receiver say to the football? “Catch you later.”

Even More Goofy Stuff

• I backed a horse at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.

• On what grounds did the police arrest the devil? They charged him with possession.

• Why was the bottle of ketchup arrested? It was watching the salad dressing.

• What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.

• I thought we had once again elected a pope. As I sat on the sofa, I noticed white smoke floating across the deck. Later I found that my wife was doing laundry. The smoke came from the vent.

• What is the difference between a man and a catfish? One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker, and the other is a fish.

• Did you hear about the woman who won a gold medal in the Olympics? She's having it bronzed.

• I cleaned the attic with my wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

• He: “What are the signs you're having a stroke?” She: “Let's see...There's slurred speech, facial droopiness, arm weakness...” He: “How about weird intermittent tingling in the nether regions?” She: “No, that means you're sitting on your phone again.”

• Why do dogs float on water? Because they're good buoys.

• I do not approve of political jokes-I've seen too many of them elected.

• If Chuck Norris were president, he'd protect the Secret Service.

• One elderly lady said: “I'm never lonely because I have four men in my life. I get up with Charlie Horse, spend the day with Arthur Itis, dine with Will Power, and go to bed with Ben Gay.”

• What do you call a detective who accidentally solves a crime? Sheer Luck Holmes.

• Yesterday my mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I had no idea they actually worked.

• I think our house is haunted. Every time I look in the mirror, a crazy-looking old guy stands in front of me so I can't see my reflection.

• Why are veterinarians prescribing birth-control pills for dogs? It's part of an anti-litter campaign.

• I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

• Why do thieves never target the homes of politicians? Professional courtesy.

• How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend? He gave her a ring.

• How are politicians like babies? Both need to be changed regularly and for the same reason.

• I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but couldn't find any.

• Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was out standing in his field.

• Why do ghosts like to take the elevator? It lifts their spirits.

Old (and sometimes goofy) Laws

• It is illegal in West Virginia to whistle while you are underwater. (I'll try to remember that the next time I visit.)

• It is against the law in Michigan to tie your alligator to a fire hydrant. (Evidently, it's okay to tie your crocodile to a hydrant.)

• In Ohio, on Sundays, it's illegal to fish for whales.

• Carrying ice cream in your back pocket is forbidden in Kentucky.

• You could be arrested for sleeping in an Illinois cheese factory.

• In Cleveland, Ohio, you must put coins in the meter if you park an elephant on the street.

• Serving ice cream on cherry pie is illegal in Kansas. (This must be unconstitutional. The U. S. Supreme Court needs to rule on this.)

• Bingo games in North Carolina must last no longer than five hours. (Can the law be changed to five minutes?)

• In Alabama, it is illegal to wear a fake mustache in church if it causes people to laugh.

• It is against the law in Maine to use a fake name when checking into a hotel. (Guess I'll have to quit using “Abraham Lincoln.”)

• In California, it's against the law to eat an orange while taking a bath. (How would the police know?)

• Speaking of bathing, it's illegal in Arizona for donkeys to sleep in a bathtub after 7 p. m.

• In Minnesota, you are not allowed to have a duck on your head while crossing state lines. (If your neck is strong enough, an elephant is okay.)

• In Florida, wherever alcoholic beverages are sold, it is illegal to have dwarf tossing contests.

• Speaking of alcohol, it is against the law to give a moose any alcoholic beverages. (However, that alligator you brought from Michigan can be served.

• In Rockville, Maryland, it is against the law to swear while you are driving. (Even when you have to deal with people who drive like they're blindfolded?)

• One may not hunt camels in Arizona.

• In Michigan, it is technically against the law to read a newspaper while sitting in the middle of the street. (Finally, a law that makes sense!)

• It is against the law in Wisconsin to throw bricks or rocks at trains. (Again, another law that makes sense!)

• An ordinance in Pocatello, Idaho, disallows frowning in public.

• In Arkansas, it is illegal to mispronounce the state's name.

• In Massachusetts, it's illegal to swear at sporting events. (Good luck enforcing this. Can you arrest 90% of the fans in a football stadium?)

Church Bulletin Blunders

• “The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric GIRDLES for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.” (Gas-powered girdles are not good for the environment.)

• “This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.” (I hope Mrs. Lewis is a chicken!)

• “Next Thursday, there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.”

• “Illiterate? Write to the church for help.” (That would be a miracle.)

• “The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, 'Break Forth in Joy.'”

• “This afternoon, there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.” (Well, that should cover it.)

• “Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.” (Please, don't give my wife any such ideas.)

• “The 'Over 60s Choir' will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church.”

• “The church is glad to have with us our guest minister, the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the services, we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.” (That's a tough church at which to preach. I hope they pay above standard wages.)

• “Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our Church and community.”

• “The class on prophecy has been canceled due to unforeseen circumstances.”

• “For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.”

• “The associate minister unveiled the church's campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I upped my pledge-Up yours!'”

• “Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p. m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.” (Nothing like rubbing it in.)

• “Tuesday at 4 p. m., there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk, please come early.” (Are cows welcome?)

• “Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.” (I would pay to hear that!)

• “The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys SINNING to join the choir.”

• “Ushers will SWAT the latecomers.”

• “The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.” (That's one way to increase attendance-at least male attendance!)

• “At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be, 'What is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.”

• “Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.”

This, That, and the Other

• On September 23, 1996, Stanley Dorbo of Waco, Texas, won an argument with his wife! (Believe it or Don't!)

• A liberal network reported the news for three entire minutes before calling Trump a Nazi.

• I was so popular that I was elected high school senior class president five years in a row!

• A politician spoke for over an hour without lying. (Very hard to believe!)

• Mom always gave her kids a choice at mealtime-we could take it or leave it.

• As we age, we get stronger. At 23, I could not hold $30 worth of groceries in one arm. As a senior citizen, I can.

• Wives often complain that their husbands don't listen to them. I think that's what my wife said to me this morning.

• Mary Todders of Sacramento, California, told her husband he was just an overgrown little boy. He retaliated by kicking her out of his fort. (She had it coming!)

• Recently, a flying saucer from the planet Xerox hovered over Washington, D. C. The aliens reported to their home planet that no intelligent life forms were detected. (I bet they were hovering over Congress.)

• Fred Cheevers of Zanesville, Ohio, actually enjoys shopping with his wife. (Could he be an alien from the planet Xerox?)

• If the wind is blowing just right, my wife can smell a popcorn factory from as far away as 80 miles.

• Joe Boulder of Lancaster, Ohio, told his wife she was overreacting. Miraculously, he's still alive and well!

• Even when we disagreed, my wife never considered divorce. (She has occasionally considered murder, however.)

• My doctor is very practical. When I told him I felt pain whenever I lifted my right arm above my head, he told me to stop raising my right arm.

• The same doctor told my wife to watch what she's eating. You should see the new mirror on our breakfast table.

• Jack Spratt of Atlanta, Georgia, recently took what he considered a pleasure trip. He took his mother-in-law to the airport.

• My wife thinks our cat understands her whenever she talks to it. My dog and I had a good laugh over the incident.

• The New York Yankees did not sign me for three minor reasons: I couldn't hit, couldn't run, and couldn't throw.

• Scientists say it is not true that married men live longer than single men. It just seems that way. (Get off my case! It's a joke!)

• Studies show that most women forgive their husbands when the wives are wrong.

• The doctor told my wife to eat no more than one bowl of popcorn per day. She is now the proud owner of a bowl the size of a car tire.

Bonanza-The Lost Episode

***Most “experts” believe that this popular Western ran a total of 430 episodes, but now we can add one more show to the list. Last Wednesday, while cleaning out my sock drawer, I discovered a lost episode. I have no idea how the film got there. Of course, I once shot an elephant in my pajamas, and I have no idea how it got into my pajamas, so some things in life must remain a mystery.

***During the long run of the program (1959-1973), the three sons and even “Pa” were involved in several romances. Unfortunately, falling in love with a Cartwright was the kiss of death, as you shall see in this episode.

***The setting is the huge living room of the Cartwright house, which is located in the middle of a 1,000 square-mile cattle ranch near Virginia City, Nevada. The year is 1867, just two years after the end of the Civil War. The youngest son, “Little Joe,” has brought his fiancée, Miss Lillian Jones, to meet the family.

LITTLE JOE: Lillian, I’d like you to meet my father, Ben.

BEN: (always serious and wise): I’m honored to meet you, Lillian. Joe has told us so much about you.

LILLIAN: And Joe has told me so much about you and your boys, Mr. Cartwright.

BEN: Since you’re going to be part of the family, why don’t you call me “Pa?”

LILLIAN: Well, since I’ll soon be a Cartwright, I will call you “Pa.”

***Hoss, the huge middle son with the matching appetite, runs from the kitchen to the living room. He has a drumstick in one hand and a piece of apple pie in the other. The Chinese cook, Hop Sing, is chasing him while menacingly swinging a skillet:

HOP SING: Mr. Hoss, I warned you to stay out of the kitchen until supper!

HOSS: (jumping over a chair while taking a bite of pie): Come on, Hop Sing! Have a heart! I haven’t had anything to eat since three-thirty!

HOP SING: Yes, but it’s now only three forty-five!

BEN: Men, we have company! Act like gentlemen! Lillian, this is my middle son, Eric, but he’s so big that we call him “Hoss.”

***After quickly devouring the rest of the pie, Hoss licks his fingers before shaking hands with Joe’s bride-to-be.

BEN: And this is our cook, Hop Sing.

HOP SING: Glad to meet you, Missy.

***Hop Sing then whacks Hoss over the head with the skillet. As Hoss falls to the floor, Hop Sing grabs what remains of the chicken and heads back to the kitchen.

BEN (as Adam enters the room): Lillian, this is my oldest son, Adam. He’s the smartest of the three. As a matter of fact, he’s the only one smart enough to get off this show; he’s not signing a contract for the next season.

***After lunch, the boys go about their typical day, rounding up stray cattle, helping clear a man wrongly accused of murder, diverting a raging river to protect a bustling city, and meeting Mark Twain and President Andrew Johnson at the stagecoach stop in Virginia City.

LILLIAN: So, Pa, is the boys’ mother deceased?

BEN: Yes, each of their mothers is dead.

LILLIAN: You had more than one wife?

BEN: I’ve had three. My first wife, Elizabeth, died giving birth to Adam. A few weeks after Hoss was born, my second wife, Inger, was nailed by an Indian’s arrow. Marie, Little Joe’s mother, fell off a horse and died when he was only five.

LILLIAN That’s terrible, Pa!

BEN: Well, you know what they always say-lucky in land, unlucky in love. And, of course, on the bright side, those deaths eliminated any chance I’d ever have to pay alimony or give up part of my property.

LILLIAN: Why have your sons never married, Pa?

BEN: They tried! I guess you could call it the “Cartwright Curse.” I remember that Adam was madly in love with a cute little blonde from Virginia City. They set a wedding date, and he bought her the biggest diamond I’ve ever seen.

LILLIAN: What happened?

BEN: It ended in tragedy. She was standing out front, just to the left of the house. Adam went back into the house to get his hat. Unbeknownst to her, a gaint beaver was gnawing on a nearby ponderosa pine; that tree came crashing down on her; she survived only long enough to give Adam a tearful goodbye.

LILLIAN: That’s terrible, Pa!

BEN: Well, in a way it was, but our ratings shot up after that show! It took poor Adam three episodes to get over that gal! Then he fell head over heels for a perky little brunette from San Francisco. They were planning to marry, but once again, tragedy struck.

LILLIAN: Pa, what happened?

BEN: It was a bad case of hoof and mouth disease. There was nothing we could do to save her. With all that foam on her face, I can’t really blame Adam for not kissing her one last time.

LILLIAN: Pa, how did he cope with losing two loves?

BEN: He coped in the best way our writers could think of; he promptly fell in love with another lady. If I remember correctly, she was from back East in Ohio. She traveled here with her father, who was an encyclopedia salesman. To make a long story short, Adam built a house for her on the southeastern corner of the Ponderosa. That would be about four hundred miles from here. Anyway, she loved the house so much that she moved into it before the wedding.

LILLIAN: What happened, Pa? Did the roof fall on top of her? Did the Indians get her?

BEN: No, nothing like that. Adam didn’t realize that he had built the cabin on top of quicksand. By the time he rode out there to visit, she’d been submerged for at least twelve hours. Adam pulled her out of the muck so that she could say a few appropriate last words before expiring. Poor Adam grieved for four episodes until he hooked up with a little redhead from Oregon.

LILLIAN: Pa, let me guess. She died, too.

BEN: Well, we think she did.

LILLIAN: You’re not sure?

BEN: On the day of the wedding, a giant eagle swooped her up, and we haven’t seen her since. Of course, her disappearance didn’t surprise me; she was signed for just one show.

LILLIAN: Pa, what about Hoss?

BEN: As you can see, Hoss isn’t the most pleasant thing to look at, and he’s not the brightest match in the pack, if you catch my drift, but when I kick the bucket, he’ll be rich as heck, so women flock around him like flies to honey. He was to marry Peggy Sue from Virginia City. Unfortunately, she was shot by Sheriff Coffee.

LILLIAN: Pa, how did that happen?

BEN: A notorious bank robber was seen in this area. When holding up a bank, he dressed in women’s clothing for a disguise. After he took the loot from the Virginia City 4^th 5^th Bank, the sheriff was given a description of what the outlaw was wearing. Unfortunately, Peggy Sue was wearing an identical outfit that day, and she was carrying a large bag of cookies that she had just baked for Hoss. The sheriff mistook the cookies for a bag of loot. It was a simple case of mistaken identity. At least Hoss enjoyed the cookies.

LILLIAN: Pa, I suppose he overcame his sorrow by finding another girl?

BEN: Not right away. To get through the crisis, he had Hop Sing make him extra chicken and biscuits. That boy is a bottomless pit. About five episodes later, Hoss fell for a gal who worked in a saloon. Unfortunately, a cattle stampede took care of her.

LILLIAN: Pa, I am Joe’s first true love, aren’t I?

BEN: Of course, except for Mary, Sally, Marie, Rachel, Jessie, Barbara, and Edith.

LILLIAN: My Little Joe was in love with all those women?

BEN: Not at the same time! I think he could have been happy with Mary for at least six or seven episodes; it’s too bad that those mountain lions mauled her while she was sunbathing. I told her repeatedly that lying out in the sun isn’t good for one’s health.

LILLIAN: Pa, did all of them die?

BEN: All but Rachel; technically, she’s not dead.

LILLIAN: What do you mean, Pa?

BEN: She was overtaken by a glacier that had slid down from Canada. The doctor in Virginia City said that eventually, we might find a way to thaw her out. Until then, she’s traveling in a block of ice with a circus; she’s known as “The Frozen Lady of Borneo.” It took poor Joe almost three episodes to get over her.

LILLIAN: Well, Mr. Cartwright, this has been an enlightening conversation. Please tell Little Joe that I have some pressing business to attend to in Hong Kong. I’ll be very busy for the next couple of decades.

BEN: Call me “Pa.”

LILLIAN: Goodbye, Mr. Cartwright.