Fighting over Girls?

 Fighting over Girls?

During the elementary school years, my buddies and I had little to do with girls. To us boys, they were simply strange creatures who, for the most part, didn't care for the important things in life, such as football, basketball, baseball, and frogs. I remember girls were so strange that during first grade, they were not allowed to wear blue jeans or any other kind of pants to school. That rule was rescinded at the beginning of second grade, but as Beaver Cleaver might have said, girls were still “creeps.”

By the time we entered the seventh grade, after we had left elementary school for junior high, our perspective began to change. Indeed, the more popular and confident boys began “going steady” with some of the more confident females. Of course, the average length of a couple going steady was about two to three weeks, but it was the beginning of a natural attraction. On the other hand, being shy and lacking confidence, I was still scared to death of them.

One weekend, my friend and I planned to go to the local high school basketball game. Since we were junior high kids, my friend's older brother offered to play chauffeur.

A couple of hours before pickup time, my friend telephoned, stating that he now had a date for the game. “That's okay,” I murmured. “I'll just stay home and watch Lawrence Welk with the folks.” That, of course, would have been about as exciting as pulling lint from my belly button. But alas, he also had a date for me, a gal who just happened to be the prettiest and most popular female in our school. Talk about being out of one's league!

Soon, my friend, his date, and his brother arrived. During the ride to the game, my friend, whom I'll call “Sam” to protect the guilty, held hands with his date. When my date was picked up, I nervously rambled on about the Browns. No doubt she was thrilled to be set up with such a great conversationalist!

During the game, I talked more nonsense. On the way home, Sam, ever the lover-boy, kissed his date. On my part, there was a greater chance of my hitch-hiking to the moon than summoning up enough courage to move my lips within two feet of her angelical face.

When we arrived at the home of Sam's date, he walked her to the porch and gave her a goodnight kiss. A few minutes later, we were at my date's house. She got out of the car, waiting for me to do the same. Instead, seemingly cemented to the car seat, I said nothing and did nothing as she politely said, “Thank you for a wonderful night.” Well, it was probably a night she has never forgotten, although I sincerely hope she has.

As I have previously stated, during the junior high years, several of the guys and gals “went steady,” which meant you wore the other person's ring and promised not to date anyone else. Sometimes, however, two guys went after the same young lady. Often, this problem would be solved by a fight. During the school day, word spread that after school, Boy A and Boy B were meeting behind the nearby laundromat. As a large crowd gathered, the two young men began savagely punching each other to determine who was to become the legitimate boyfriend.

Evidently, there was some unwritten law that the girl HAD to accept the winner. Maybe that's how it worked in the caveman days, but in modern times, this seems ridiculous. Did young gals prefer the stronger brutes?

With only one exception, the combatants in these battles were boys. However, one day, immediately after school, two girls went at it on the front lawn of the school. Soon, a huge crowd formed to see the action. Some members of the audience actually were encouraging them to destroy one another.

Unlike the boys, there was little in the way of actual punching. Instead, the ladies scratched and hit each other when they were not ripping the opponent's clothing. Unfortunately for the excited crowd, the fight came to a sudden halt when several teachers came out and escorted the ladies to the office.

Believe it or not, back in those days, the girls often fought over me. They'd slug it out for hours until one reluctantly gave in. In my case, however, the loser had to take me. Maybe that's why they fought almost to the death.

Cowboy Quotes

 Cowboy Quotes

“There's a simplicity and purity in a cowboy's way of life that I've always admired.” Clint Walker, who played Cheyenne Bodie in “Cheyenne.”

“Ben Cartwright was patterned after my father, who never saw 'Bonanza.' In that sense, my father will live for a long time.” Lorne Greene, who played Ben Cartwright in “Bonanza.”

“The characters I've played, especially Bret Maverick and Jim Rockford, almost never use a gun, and they always try to use their wits instead of their fists.” James Garner, who played Bret Maverick in “Maverick.”

“Nobody ever saw a cowboy on the psychiatrist's couch.” John Wayne.

“My movies were always clean. For 50 cents, they could send their kids down to see my pictures and know they would be entertained wholesomely.” Gene Autry, the “Singing Cowboy.”

“If they were man and wife, it would make a lot of difference. The people upstairs decided it was better to leave the show as it was, which I totally agreed with.” James Arness, who played Marshal Dillon in “Gunsmoke,” explaining why Dillon never married Miss Kitty.

“He's stupid. The Lone Ranger treats him like some kind of servant, and this seems to suit Tonto fine.” Jay Silverheels, reflecting on his Tonto character in “The Lone Ranger.”

“What boy wouldn't love dressing up as a cowboy and getting paid for it! It was hard work, and I took it very seriously as an actor, but I was living in a dream.” Johnny Crawford, talking about his character, Mark McCain, in “The Rifleman.”

“Children need heroes like the Lone Ranger. This is important because these kids are young Americans. They are going to be running this country someday.” Clayton Moore, who played the Lone Ranger.

Stranger: “Can you hit very hard?” Tom Brewster, played by Will Hutchins in “Sugarfoot,” answered: “No, but I'm a good ducker.”

“I've tried to make Hoppy a plain and simple man in manners and dress. Hoppy isn't a flashy character. He isn't illiterate. Nor is he smart-alecky. He doesn't use big words or bad words. After all, I felt that Hoppy might be looked up to and that children might try to pattern their lives after the man.” William Boyd, explaining how he played Hopalong Cassidy in cowboy movies.

“I try to make the (cowboy) pictures so that when a boy pays, say, 20 cents to see it, he will get 20 cents worth, and not 10. If I drop, you see, it would be like putting my hand in his pocket and stealing a dime.” Tom Mix, a star of silent cowboy shows.

“I never had been on a horse, and I thought guns were for the police until 'Bonanza' came along.” Lorne Greene.

“I can never get rid of 'The Rifleman,' and I don't want to. It's a good image.” Chuck Connors, who played Lucas McCain in “The Rifleman.”

“My problems with 'Bonanza' were problems of communication. What we discussed would be, never was. I thought it would be a sophisticated show. Instead, it never went beyond the comic strip level.” Pernell Roberts, who played Adam Cartwright in “Bonanza,” explaining why he left the show.

If you consider film an art form, as some people do, then the western would be a truly American art form, much as jazz is.” Clint Eastwood.

“I'm really proud of Gunsmoke. We put on a good show every week- one that families could all watch together without offending anyone.” Ken Curtis, who played Deputy Festus Haggen in “Gunsmoke.”

A Few Subjects that Come to Mind

In my early years, most of my heroes were athletes. There was the great Mickey Mantle patrolling center field for the Yankees, Jim Brown running over would-be tacklers, and Wilt Chamberlain scoring like no other NBA player ever had. These days, I still appreciate anyone with an extraordinary talent, whether it be in sports, acting, singing, or whatever, but they are no longer considered heroes.

Recently, I read a wonderfully written book by Arthur J. Magida entitled Two Wheels to Freedom. It's a true account of a young Jewish man who defied the odds by surviving in Hitler's Berlin during World War II. Before making a remarkable escape to Switzerland, he saved numerous lives by falsifying documents for other Jews. This young man was a hero.

His comrades in the underground were also real heroes. Many of them were caught, tortured, and then murdered, but while free, they helped save the lives of many fellow Jews.

The good news is this: One does not have to give one's life to be a real, honest hero. The parent who sacrifices for the child, the teacher who helps students see and reach their potential, the fireman who keeps a blaze from getting out of control, and the scientist who labors for years to develop a life-saving vaccine all fit my definition of heroes.

At the Senior Center

When I went to the men's restroom at the Senior Center, the following was posted on the door: “Open door slowly.” Talking about an obvious message! At my age, everything I do is done slowly or is not done at all! Outside, another sign said, “Do not throw butts onto pavement.” These are words of wisdom. If I did that, I'd have to wait for help to get it off the pavement. Besides, I'd probably throw my back out!

Don't Talk Politics

Unless you know an acquaintance has similar political views, I suggest you stay clear of politics. If a person has a political viewpoint opposed to your own, you have a better chance of insulting their mother and remaining friends than you have when discussing political issues. Some suggested “safe” topics: “the weather, the latest hit songs, your friend's new automobile, crabgrass, restaurants, full moons, and cleaning decks.

The Money Athletes Make

In college, I took both Economics 100 and 101, and I received an “A” in both, so I understand why pro (and now college) athletes receive so much money. First of all, what they provide is a commodity that literally millions of folks want to purchase, and second, only a relative handful of people can perform those tasks at such a high level. Yet, their pay seems ridiculous when compared to other “important” jobs.

Right before the kiddies come back to school, the teachers are usually given a pep talk, often by their superintendent, about how important they are in providing a fundamental education for children. When the speaker is finished, the teachers actually feel important, at least until payday arrives.

After five and a half years in college, my first salary was so low that my wife and I were able to purchase a house through a federal program for low-income earners! We ate lots of beans and franks, and I drove an old rusty Chevrolet that should have long before been retired to the junkyard. My bonus? I was allowed to keep the cheap pen with which I signed my contract.

Be Careful What You Say

My wife is the most wonderful person I know, but with that being said, like most of us, she has occasionally put her foot in her mouth. Several years ago, while we were visiting in New York City, we couldn't find our destination, so seeing a burly police officer, my better half asked and received the directions we needed. Always courteous, before leaving, she said to the officer, “Thank you, sir.” It was then that the officer informed us she was a female. It could have been worse-at least she didn't shoot us!

Joke of the Day

When you reach my age, a bowl of hot soup tops a hot date.

Are You REALLY Old?

You are getting old if your grandson asks if you voted for Lincoln.

You are really old if you answer “Yes.”

You are old if your first car had no air-conditioning.

You are really old if your first car started with a crank.

You are old if your childhood home had only one bathroom.

You are really old if your childhood bathroom was a small building behind the house.

You are old if, during childhood, you had no cell phone.

You are really old if you communicated with smoke signals.

You are old if your school performed “duck and cover” drills to be ready in case the enemy attacked with atomic bombs.

You are really old if your school practiced Indian raid drills.

You are old if your high school yearbook picture is in black and white.

You are really old if your high school picture is carved on a cave wall.

You are old if you paid a quarter to go to the movies.

You are really old if the movies were silent.

You are old if you remember when gas cost 50 cents a gallon.

You are really old if you bought hay for your horses instead of gasoline for a car.

You are old if you remember when teachers used the paddle.

You are really old if you were taught in a one-room schoolhouse.

You are old if you owned a hula-hoop.

You are really old if you owned a pet dinosaur.

You are old if you learned to write in cursive.

You are really old if you wrote in hieroglyphics.

You are old if you remember watching Looney Tunes.

You are really old if you remember reading “Mutt and Jeff.”

You are old if you used a slide rule in math.

You are really old if you used an abacus.

Andy Lang was One of a Kind

 

Andy Lang was One of a Kind

Andy Lang was an excellent middle school math teacher. He certainly knew math, and he knew how to teach it, but he also created an environment in which his students were loved and encouraged. Andy took his profession seriously, but not overly so, for he loved and enjoyed life. Andy almost always had a twinkle in his eye and a smile on his face. In other words, he was one of those special teachers that students never forget. (Fortunately, our school was blessed with several such teachers.)

Andy loved food, especially candy bars, potato chips, cookies, and, of course, his beloved Pepsi. One day, he walked into the teachers' lunchroom, only to discover a tray of food on the table.

“Whose food is that?” he asked. I told him that Miss X was about to eat when she was summoned to take a telephone call. “That would be a shame if the food spoiled,” Andy replied before leaving the room.

About ten minutes later, Andy reappeared. “Still not back?” he asked. “If she's gone much longer, that meal will be ruined.” Then he departed once again.

Five minutes later, Andy reentered the lunchroom. “I've never been one to waste food,” he said before devouring everything on the tray. Always considerate, Andy then took the empty tray back to the cafeteria.

A few minutes later, Miss X entered the room and went ballistic: “Where is my food? Did you hide it?”

“No, Andy didn't want it to spoil, so he ate it!” I responded. Never before had I seen her so angry. “Wait until I get my hands on him!” she bellowed.

Andy, always the gentleman, bought Miss X another lunch. He was one of the least selfish people I've ever met; he simply ate her lunch because he could not stand the thought of good food going to waste.

My wife, who is a wonderful cook, often gave me homemade cookies and slices of cake or pie to take to Andy. He was always thankful for any goodies.

Once, I told my students I was going to give them a math test just to see how they were doing. “You have ten candy bars. You eat two of them before giving the rest to Mr. Lang to keep for you until the end of the school day. At the end of the day, how many candy bars would you have left?”

All the students confidently replied, “Eight.” They were surprised when I said that was an incorrect answer. A few even worked out the problem with pencil and paper and got the same answer.

Once I explained the situation, knowing Mr. Lang's love of sweets, they agreed that the answer was zero. He would have eaten those candy bars, but then he would have bought twice as many to give back to the kids.

Although Andy ate so many sweets, he never put on extra pounds. One of our other teachers, Bill Williamson, was an outdoorsman who loved to hunt and fish. Likewise, Andy loved the great outdoors, but much of his outdoor time was spent at work. Those chores gave him pleasure and kept him in shape.

When it came to meetings, Andy was my hero. Our school had a system of teaming that required numerous meetings. I was told that the year before I arrived, the principal had called for an after-school meeting. After the teachers settled in, the principal told them the purpose of the meeting was to see if they needed a meeting!

Anyway, if a meeting went on too long, Andy began to feel the need to rest. Somehow, someway, with his eyes closed, he was able to take a nap without flinching or salivating onto his face and shirt. I have no idea how Andy developed these skills, but I certainly admired his abilities.

I am thankful to have worked with and become friends with Andy Lang. He was an excellent teacher but even a better human being. He made this little section of the Earth a better place. We will never forget you, Andy. Rest in peace.

When did it Happen? A Quiz

**Dedicated to the memory of Dan Beebe, a noted historian and a friend.

1. When did Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin become the first human beings to land on the moon? A .March 30, 1966  B. July 4, 1970  C. July 20, 1969  D. December 1, 1977.

2. The first telephone was installed in the White House on A. May 10, 1877   B. July 4, 1880  C. October 7, 1890  D. January 1, 1900.

3. Rosa Parks was arrested for not moving to the back of the bus: A. November 1, 1950   B. October 3, 1953   C. July 4, 1954  D. December 1, 1955.

4. When did Prohibition officially end? A. August 7, 1958    B. December 5, 1933  C. December 25, 1939   D. October 11, 1942.

5. Japan bombed Pearl Harbor in Hawaii: A. December 25, 1938   B. December 1, 1939  C. December 2, 1940   D. December 7, 1941.

6. Bugs Bunny made his first public appearance: A. July 4, 1935 B. July 27, 1940  C. August 3, 1942  D. September 4, 1952.

7. Thurgood Marshall became the first black Supreme Court Justice: A. August 30, 1967   B. February 1, 1970   C. July 4, 1977  D. January 30, 1982.

8. George Washington was born in Westmoreland County, Virginia: A. February 7, 1599   B. February 22, 1729  C. February 22, 1732  D. February 9, 1740.

9. Babe Ruth retired as an active baseball player: A. June 2, 1935  B. April 1, 1938  C. May 7, 1940  D. July 7, 1944.

10. Beer was invented! A. 25,000 B. C.  B. 20,000-15,000 B. C.    C. 10,000-7,000 B. C.   D. 1492 A. D.

11. Fred W. Wolf invented the first electric refrigerator for home use in A. 1877  B. 1880  C. 1900  D. 1913.

12. When was the United States Postal Service created? A. 1776  B. 1780  C. 1788   D. 1792.

13. The first atomic bomb was exploded in New Mexico. When? A. July 16, 1939  B. July 16, 1942  C. July 16, 1945  D. July 16, 1946.

14. When did Amelia Earhart become the first woman to fly solo across the Atlantic Ocean? A. March 30, 1932  B. April 1, 1935  C. May 7, 1940   D. October 2, 1941.

15. When was President John F. Kennedy assassinated? A. September 3, 1960   B. November 1, 1961  C. November 20, 1962   D. November 22, 1963.

16. The 19^th Amendment to the Constitution was passed, giving women the right to vote: A. August 1, 1799  B. September 6, 1829  C. August 26, 1920  D. August 4, 1962.

17. When was the zipper patented? A. April 29, 1913   B. May 1, 1915  C. June 4, 1919    D. July 4, 1920.

18. Elvis Presley, the King of Rock and Roll, was born on this date: A. February 22, 1927   B. January 8, 1930  C. January 8, 1935   D. January 10, 1938.

19. KDKA in Pittsburgh, the first commercially licensed radio station, made its first broadcast on this date: November 2, 1920  B. July 4, 1922  C. August 7, 1924   D. September 5, 1925.

20. The first successful blood transfusion: A. July 4, 1776 B. August 6, 1802 C. September 1, 1890 D. March 27, 1914.

Answers: 1. C. 2. A. 3. D. 4. B. 5.D. 6. B. 7. A. 8. C. 9. A. 10. C. 11. D. 12. D. 13. C. 14. A. 15. D. 16. C. 17. A. 18. C. 19. A 20.D.

Things to Think About

• You know you're old when your body makes the same sounds as your coffee pot.

• Has anyone ever lived long enough to need a second bottle of Worcestershire sauce?

• Note to self: Do not kneel in the garden without having a plan on how to get up.

• Purralysis: A state in which a person becomes physically incapable of moving because a cat has settled on their lap.

• The sound of many children in the church is far better than the silence of having no children there.

• You come from dust; you will return to dust. That's why I don't dust the house. It could be someone I knew.

• Someone has been stealing wheels from police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch them.

• My silence does not necessarily mean I agree with you. It could mean your level of stupidity rendered me speechless.

• People say, “Act like an adult,” but if you watch the news, that seems to be terrible advice.

• I don't always go the extra mile, but when I do, it's because I've missed my exit.

• When I was young, I was poor, but after years of hard work, I'm no longer young.

• I just found out the company that makes yardsticks won't be making them any longer.

• “Lazy” is such an ugly word. I prefer the term “selective participation.”

• A sign of old age: You take pictures of directions so they can be enlarged.

• You don't know how old you are until you sit on the ground and then try to get up.

• Cats knock stuff off tables because they're studying gravity. They're not jerks; they're scientists.

• I got in thirty minutes of a cardio workout by trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.

• Before we work on artificial intelligence, why don't we do something about natural stupidity?

• They say when you retire, you'll travel more. What they don't tell you is that it's to doctors' appointments.

• You can tell a lot about a woman by her hands. For instance, if they're placed around your neck, she's probably upset with you.

• Tired of being harassed by your stupid parents? Act now! Move out, get a job, and pay your own bills. Enjoy yourselves while you still know everything!

• Rule # 1: My wife is always right. Rule number 2: Whenever she is wrong, refer to rule 1.

• As the great Porky Pig says, “That's all, folks!”