Are You REALLY Old?

You are getting old if your grandson asks if you voted for Lincoln.

You are really old if you answer “Yes.”

You are old if your first car had no air-conditioning.

You are really old if your first car started with a crank.

You are old if your childhood home had only one bathroom.

You are really old if your childhood bathroom was a small building behind the house.

You are old if, during childhood, you had no cell phone.

You are really old if you communicated with smoke signals.

You are old if your school performed “duck and cover” drills to be ready in case the enemy attacked with atomic bombs.

You are really old if your school practiced Indian raid drills.

You are old if your high school yearbook picture is in black and white.

You are really old if your high school picture is carved on a cave wall.

You are old if you paid a quarter to go to the movies.

You are really old if the movies were silent.

You are old if you remember when gas cost 50 cents a gallon.

You are really old if you bought hay for your horses instead of gasoline for a car.

You are old if you remember when teachers used the paddle.

You are really old if you were taught in a one-room schoolhouse.

You are old if you owned a hula-hoop.

You are really old if you owned a pet dinosaur.

You are old if you learned to write in cursive.

You are really old if you wrote in hieroglyphics.

You are old if you remember watching Looney Tunes.

You are really old if you remember reading “Mutt and Jeff.”

You are old if you used a slide rule in math.

You are really old if you used an abacus.

Andy Lang was One of a Kind

 

Andy Lang was One of a Kind

Andy Lang was an excellent middle school math teacher. He certainly knew math, and he knew how to teach it, but he also created an environment in which his students were loved and encouraged. Andy took his profession seriously, but not overly so, for he loved and enjoyed life. Andy almost always had a twinkle in his eye and a smile on his face. In other words, he was one of those special teachers that students never forget. (Fortunately, our school was blessed with several such teachers.)

Andy loved food, especially candy bars, potato chips, cookies, and, of course, his beloved Pepsi. One day, he walked into the teachers' lunchroom, only to discover a tray of food on the table.

“Whose food is that?” he asked. I told him that Miss X was about to eat when she was summoned to take a telephone call. “That would be a shame if the food spoiled,” Andy replied before leaving the room.

About ten minutes later, Andy reappeared. “Still not back?” he asked. “If she's gone much longer, that meal will be ruined.” Then he departed once again.

Five minutes later, Andy reentered the lunchroom. “I've never been one to waste food,” he said before devouring everything on the tray. Always considerate, Andy then took the empty tray back to the cafeteria.

A few minutes later, Miss X entered the room and went ballistic: “Where is my food? Did you hide it?”

“No, Andy didn't want it to spoil, so he ate it!” I responded. Never before had I seen her so angry. “Wait until I get my hands on him!” she bellowed.

Andy, always the gentleman, bought Miss X another lunch. He was one of the least selfish people I've ever met; he simply ate her lunch because he could not stand the thought of good food going to waste.

My wife, who is a wonderful cook, often gave me homemade cookies and slices of cake or pie to take to Andy. He was always thankful for any goodies.

Once, I told my students I was going to give them a math test just to see how they were doing. “You have ten candy bars. You eat two of them before giving the rest to Mr. Lang to keep for you until the end of the school day. At the end of the day, how many candy bars would you have left?”

All the students confidently replied, “Eight.” They were surprised when I said that was an incorrect answer. A few even worked out the problem with pencil and paper and got the same answer.

Once I explained the situation, knowing Mr. Lang's love of sweets, they agreed that the answer was zero. He would have eaten those candy bars, but then he would have bought twice as many to give back to the kids.

Although Andy ate so many sweets, he never put on extra pounds. One of our other teachers, Bill Williamson, was an outdoorsman who loved to hunt and fish. Likewise, Andy loved the great outdoors, but much of his outdoor time was spent at work. Those chores gave him pleasure and kept him in shape.

When it came to meetings, Andy was my hero. Our school had a system of teaming that required numerous meetings. I was told that the year before I arrived, the principal had called for an after-school meeting. After the teachers settled in, the principal told them the purpose of the meeting was to see if they needed a meeting!

Anyway, if a meeting went on too long, Andy began to feel the need to rest. Somehow, someway, with his eyes closed, he was able to take a nap without flinching or salivating onto his face and shirt. I have no idea how Andy developed these skills, but I certainly admired his abilities.

I am thankful to have worked with and become friends with Andy Lang. He was an excellent teacher but even a better human being. He made this little section of the Earth a better place. We will never forget you, Andy. Rest in peace.

When did it Happen? A Quiz

**Dedicated to the memory of Dan Beebe, a noted historian and a friend.

1. When did Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin become the first human beings to land on the moon? A .March 30, 1966  B. July 4, 1970  C. July 20, 1969  D. December 1, 1977.

2. The first telephone was installed in the White House on A. May 10, 1877   B. July 4, 1880  C. October 7, 1890  D. January 1, 1900.

3. Rosa Parks was arrested for not moving to the back of the bus: A. November 1, 1950   B. October 3, 1953   C. July 4, 1954  D. December 1, 1955.

4. When did Prohibition officially end? A. August 7, 1958    B. December 5, 1933  C. December 25, 1939   D. October 11, 1942.

5. Japan bombed Pearl Harbor in Hawaii: A. December 25, 1938   B. December 1, 1939  C. December 2, 1940   D. December 7, 1941.

6. Bugs Bunny made his first public appearance: A. July 4, 1935 B. July 27, 1940  C. August 3, 1942  D. September 4, 1952.

7. Thurgood Marshall became the first black Supreme Court Justice: A. August 30, 1967   B. February 1, 1970   C. July 4, 1977  D. January 30, 1982.

8. George Washington was born in Westmoreland County, Virginia: A. February 7, 1599   B. February 22, 1729  C. February 22, 1732  D. February 9, 1740.

9. Babe Ruth retired as an active baseball player: A. June 2, 1935  B. April 1, 1938  C. May 7, 1940  D. July 7, 1944.

10. Beer was invented! A. 25,000 B. C.  B. 20,000-15,000 B. C.    C. 10,000-7,000 B. C.   D. 1492 A. D.

11. Fred W. Wolf invented the first electric refrigerator for home use in A. 1877  B. 1880  C. 1900  D. 1913.

12. When was the United States Postal Service created? A. 1776  B. 1780  C. 1788   D. 1792.

13. The first atomic bomb was exploded in New Mexico. When? A. July 16, 1939  B. July 16, 1942  C. July 16, 1945  D. July 16, 1946.

14. When did Amelia Earhart become the first woman to fly solo across the Atlantic Ocean? A. March 30, 1932  B. April 1, 1935  C. May 7, 1940   D. October 2, 1941.

15. When was President John F. Kennedy assassinated? A. September 3, 1960   B. November 1, 1961  C. November 20, 1962   D. November 22, 1963.

16. The 19^th Amendment to the Constitution was passed, giving women the right to vote: A. August 1, 1799  B. September 6, 1829  C. August 26, 1920  D. August 4, 1962.

17. When was the zipper patented? A. April 29, 1913   B. May 1, 1915  C. June 4, 1919    D. July 4, 1920.

18. Elvis Presley, the King of Rock and Roll, was born on this date: A. February 22, 1927   B. January 8, 1930  C. January 8, 1935   D. January 10, 1938.

19. KDKA in Pittsburgh, the first commercially licensed radio station, made its first broadcast on this date: November 2, 1920  B. July 4, 1922  C. August 7, 1924   D. September 5, 1925.

20. The first successful blood transfusion: A. July 4, 1776 B. August 6, 1802 C. September 1, 1890 D. March 27, 1914.

Answers: 1. C. 2. A. 3. D. 4. B. 5.D. 6. B. 7. A. 8. C. 9. A. 10. C. 11. D. 12. D. 13. C. 14. A. 15. D. 16. C. 17. A. 18. C. 19. A 20.D.

Things to Think About

• You know you're old when your body makes the same sounds as your coffee pot.

• Has anyone ever lived long enough to need a second bottle of Worcestershire sauce?

• Note to self: Do not kneel in the garden without having a plan on how to get up.

• Purralysis: A state in which a person becomes physically incapable of moving because a cat has settled on their lap.

• The sound of many children in the church is far better than the silence of having no children there.

• You come from dust; you will return to dust. That's why I don't dust the house. It could be someone I knew.

• Someone has been stealing wheels from police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch them.

• My silence does not necessarily mean I agree with you. It could mean your level of stupidity rendered me speechless.

• People say, “Act like an adult,” but if you watch the news, that seems to be terrible advice.

• I don't always go the extra mile, but when I do, it's because I've missed my exit.

• When I was young, I was poor, but after years of hard work, I'm no longer young.

• I just found out the company that makes yardsticks won't be making them any longer.

• “Lazy” is such an ugly word. I prefer the term “selective participation.”

• A sign of old age: You take pictures of directions so they can be enlarged.

• You don't know how old you are until you sit on the ground and then try to get up.

• Cats knock stuff off tables because they're studying gravity. They're not jerks; they're scientists.

• I got in thirty minutes of a cardio workout by trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.

• Before we work on artificial intelligence, why don't we do something about natural stupidity?

• They say when you retire, you'll travel more. What they don't tell you is that it's to doctors' appointments.

• You can tell a lot about a woman by her hands. For instance, if they're placed around your neck, she's probably upset with you.

• Tired of being harassed by your stupid parents? Act now! Move out, get a job, and pay your own bills. Enjoy yourselves while you still know everything!

• Rule # 1: My wife is always right. Rule number 2: Whenever she is wrong, refer to rule 1.

• As the great Porky Pig says, “That's all, folks!”

Making Female Robots

* I have used female stereotypes that have been depicted on the Internet. Of course, in real life, stereotypes do not align with the majority of people in any particular group, but they do make (hopefully) for a humorous blog.

Yesterday I visited the lab of Dr. Eugene Postlewait. He and his scientists are hard at work developing both male and female robots. Being professionals, they try to program the robots so they will react in ways similar to actual human beings.

“Dr. Postlewait, I see you are working on a female prototype.”

“Yes. Right now we're inserting oil pouches inside each cheek.”

“Why?”

“If you had ever attended one of my wife's card parties, you wouldn't ask. All four of the ladies have the ability to talk at the same time, but still they understand each other. On the other hand, all our male robots say are 'Yes, dear,' 'I'm sorry,' 'Would you like to be romantic?' and 'What's for supper?'”

“So, you program the female robots differently from how you program the men?”

“Oh yes. For instance, the male model is programmed to forget whatever his wife has said or done in about the time it takes to play a quarter of football. The female robot, on the other hand, will remember a tiny mistake the male robot made some thirty or forty years ago, and she will often bring it up.”

“Why are you making some of the female models look older?”

“Those are our mother-in-law models. Just the threat of moving one of these into the house gets the male robot to agree to just about anything.”

“Have you programmed the mother-in-law robot to say any specific things?”

“Of course. Listen to this: “I told you to marry that dentist instead of this bum! It's not too late to get a divorce, you know. At least your little boy takes after our side of the family. Your husband drinks too much beer and watches too much football. Since I'm moving in, I should get the master bedroom, and all lights should be out by 9 p. m.”

“Now what are you doing, sir?”

“We are programming this female robot to watch TV shows that will drive the male up a wall, like The Love Boat, The Brady Bunch, and Hallmark movies.”

“What is the little button for on her neck?”

“The female robot will push this whenever she wants to give her male counterpart the silent treatment. Women believe men should KNOW what they are thinking without having to explain it in so many words.”

“What is that device she is wearing in a holster?”

“That's a ray-gun for blasting the male if he is ever stupid enough to say she is being too emotional and therefore should calm down.”

“Do the robots have names?”

“Of course. This model is named 'Miss Right.' Only after he marries her does the male realize her first name is 'Always.'”

Male Robots are Hard to Make

It's hard to believe, but our planet is turning into the futuristic world of the Jetsons. Robots, flying cars, and artificial intelligence are going to change our lives forever.

Somewhere, I believe it is in Japan, a restaurant features robot servers! What do you leave for a tip, a can of oil or a battery?

Some “experts” predict that soon one may be able to purchase a robot that can serve as one's best friend or even as a spouse. I saw where a lady married her dog, so marrying a robot is not that far-fetched.

Recently, I visited the workshop of Professor Eugene Postlewait. Using the latest technology, Dr. Postlewait and his staff are developing life-like male and female robots.

“Which kind of robot is more difficult to produce?” I asked the good doctor.

“The female version is a piece of cake by comparison,” Professor Postlewait replied.

“Is that because men are more complicated?”

“No, it's simply because some of men's typical actions are difficult to duplicate.”

“Could you explain, sir?”

“Well, for instance, we've found that after ingesting several beers, the male robot's electrical system short-circuits.”

“I see.”

“We've also had trouble getting the male robots to overreact when they are given simulated colds. To be like real men, they have to act like they are at death's door. In addition, we have learned not to install the responsibility codes in the men that we use in the females. Remember, we want both the females and the males to be the real McCoy, so to speak.”

“Sir, I don't understand.”

“Well, most men are slobs, so we are working hard to make our male robots act in the same manner. For example, to be authentic, the guy robots must leave their clothes and towels lying on the floor, as well as their empty beer bottles.”

“Have you had any other problems?”

“As you know, most men love sports, so we are trying to develop our male robots to do the same. Sadly, however, after watching three sporting events in a row, the male robots' circuits explode. We wonder why the same thing doesn't happen to real guys. We have, by the way, had success in one area.”

“What's that?”

“Our deluxe male model is a whiz at telling Dad jokes, like this one:” If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is not for you.” Or: “Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because you can see right through them.” But hearing these jokes leads to problems with our female units.

“After about five jokes, the female robot jumps out the nearest window or smashes its head into a wall. By the way, we've discovered that the male electronic brain lasts up to seven times longer than the female one.”

“Is that because, like real men, male robots are smarter?”

“No, it's because, like its human counterpart, the male robot hardly ever uses its brain, so it remains relatively new.”

Old Songs Bring Back Old Memories

Like Pavlov's dogs, I'm a victim of classical conditioning. Whenever I hear certain oldie moldy songs, I associate them with certain events.

The Righteous Brothers' song, You've Lost That Loving Feeling, reminds me of how scared I was of those strange creatures we call females. During the junior high years, the YMCA sponsored Saturday night dances. I went to several of them, but for the longest time, I didn't dare to ask any girl for a dance. Back in those days, rejection seemed like a fate worse than death.

Eventually, however, I summoned the courage to ask a pretty gal, and to my utter surprise, she said “yes.” I also remember being so scared during that dance that my hands were shaking. At least I didn't step on her feet. The song we danced to was You've Lost That Loving Feeling. Some sixty years later, I still blush whenever that song is on the air. It reminds me of what a hopeless dork I was way back then.

When I was six or seven, I remember riding in the car with Dad and my sisters. On the radio, Patti Page was singing How Much is that Doggie in the Window? Soon, I began singing along. After putting up with this for about 30 seconds, Dad ordered me to stop singing. He said my harmonizing was giving him a headache. For years, I associated that song with Dad letting me know I certainly was no Frank Sinatra.

Recently, however, I've realized that Dad probably was telling my sisters to stop their caterwauling from the backseat. Yeah, that must have been the case. I feel much better now.

This might sound strange, but I associate the earlier music of the Beatles with my father. The first time they appeared on the Ed Sullivan Show, Dad had a fit. He said the young men from Liverpool should be arrested, given severe haircuts, and then deported.

Several of the Beatles' early songs had the refrain of “Yeah, yeah, yeah!” Dad did show a sense of humor by sticking his fingers in his ears and singing, “No, no, no!” Although Dad's thing was country music, I will forever associate him with the rock and roll Beatles. I can imagine him on Sullivan's stage, chasing the Beatles around with a pair of scissors and a comb.

My elementary school was only a block from our house, and since we had an hour for lunch, I usually went home to eat with Mom. Usually, among other things, we had grilled cheese sandwiches on trays while we watched something called Science Fiction Theater. These days, all I have to do is think about the show's theme song, and I get an irresistible urge for grilled cheese sandwiches. Pavlov's dogs have nothing on me.

Whenever I hear a Ricky Nelson song, I hear in my mind the thunderous sound of four female legs bolting down the steps from the second floor. As king of the house, Dad commanded the TV set. Therefore, once a week, he and I watched The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet. My sisters, however, couldn't care less about the show. Well, except for the final two or three minutes of it.

Near the end of the program, young Ricky sang one of his hit songs. Now that got my sisters' attention. Like water buffaloes finally finding a drinking hole, they rushed down the steps as if their petticoats were on fire. (I know; most water buffaloes don't wear petticoats.) They sat in front of the TV (my sisters, not the water buffaloes) until Ricky finished the song. Then, somewhat slower than their trip downstairs, they returned to their bedroom.

In 1967, my cousin purchased his first automobile. As a result, he, his brother, and I began going to Saturday evening college basketball games. On one occasion, I heard a new song on the radio by the Association.

For certain, I thought they were singing, “Never Buy Love.” Of course, I thought that was sound advice. First of all, in my home state, and in most other states, buying romance was illegal. Secondly, I had been taught that doing such a thing was morally wrong. And last but not least, who wanted some kind of transmitted disease? Fortunately, I soon discovered the actual words were, “Never my love.”

Do you have any songs that bring back old memories?