Things to Think About

• You know you're old when your body makes the same sounds as your coffee pot.

• Has anyone ever lived long enough to need a second bottle of Worcestershire sauce?

• Note to self: Do not kneel in the garden without having a plan on how to get up.

• Purralysis: A state in which a person becomes physically incapable of moving because a cat has settled on their lap.

• The sound of many children in the church is far better than the silence of having no children there.

• You come from dust; you will return to dust. That's why I don't dust the house. It could be someone I knew.

• Someone has been stealing wheels from police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch them.

• My silence does not necessarily mean I agree with you. It could mean your level of stupidity rendered me speechless.

• People say, “Act like an adult,” but if you watch the news, that seems to be terrible advice.

• I don't always go the extra mile, but when I do, it's because I've missed my exit.

• When I was young, I was poor, but after years of hard work, I'm no longer young.

• I just found out the company that makes yardsticks won't be making them any longer.

• “Lazy” is such an ugly word. I prefer the term “selective participation.”

• A sign of old age: You take pictures of directions so they can be enlarged.

• You don't know how old you are until you sit on the ground and then try to get up.

• Cats knock stuff off tables because they're studying gravity. They're not jerks; they're scientists.

• I got in thirty minutes of a cardio workout by trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.

• Before we work on artificial intelligence, why don't we do something about natural stupidity?

• They say when you retire, you'll travel more. What they don't tell you is that it's to doctors' appointments.

• You can tell a lot about a woman by her hands. For instance, if they're placed around your neck, she's probably upset with you.

• Tired of being harassed by your stupid parents? Act now! Move out, get a job, and pay your own bills. Enjoy yourselves while you still know everything!

• Rule # 1: My wife is always right. Rule number 2: Whenever she is wrong, refer to rule 1.

• As the great Porky Pig says, “That's all, folks!”