Making Female Robots

* I have used female stereotypes that have been depicted on the Internet. Of course, in real life, stereotypes do not align with the majority of people in any particular group, but they do make (hopefully) for a humorous blog.

Yesterday I visited the lab of Dr. Eugene Postlewait. He and his scientists are hard at work developing both male and female robots. Being professionals, they try to program the robots so they will react in ways similar to actual human beings.

“Dr. Postlewait, I see you are working on a female prototype.”

“Yes. Right now we're inserting oil pouches inside each cheek.”

“Why?”

“If you had ever attended one of my wife's card parties, you wouldn't ask. All four of the ladies have the ability to talk at the same time, but still they understand each other. On the other hand, all our male robots say are 'Yes, dear,' 'I'm sorry,' 'Would you like to be romantic?' and 'What's for supper?'”

“So, you program the female robots differently from how you program the men?”

“Oh yes. For instance, the male model is programmed to forget whatever his wife has said or done in about the time it takes to play a quarter of football. The female robot, on the other hand, will remember a tiny mistake the male robot made some thirty or forty years ago, and she will often bring it up.”

“Why are you making some of the female models look older?”

“Those are our mother-in-law models. Just the threat of moving one of these into the house gets the male robot to agree to just about anything.”

“Have you programmed the mother-in-law robot to say any specific things?”

“Of course. Listen to this: “I told you to marry that dentist instead of this bum! It's not too late to get a divorce, you know. At least your little boy takes after our side of the family. Your husband drinks too much beer and watches too much football. Since I'm moving in, I should get the master bedroom, and all lights should be out by 9 p. m.”

“Now what are you doing, sir?”

“We are programming this female robot to watch TV shows that will drive the male up a wall, like The Love Boat, The Brady Bunch, and Hallmark movies.”

“What is the little button for on her neck?”

“The female robot will push this whenever she wants to give her male counterpart the silent treatment. Women believe men should KNOW what they are thinking without having to explain it in so many words.”

“What is that device she is wearing in a holster?”

“That's a ray-gun for blasting the male if he is ever stupid enough to say she is being too emotional and therefore should calm down.”

“Do the robots have names?”

“Of course. This model is named 'Miss Right.' Only after he marries her does the male realize her first name is 'Always.'”