The Founding Fathers Speak

• “Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.” Benjamin Franklin.

 

• “To argue with a person who has renounced the use of reason is like administering medicine to the dead.” Thomas Paine.

 

• “When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.” Thomas Jefferson.

 

• “Among the many objects to which a wise and free people find it necessary to direct their attention, that of providing for their safety seems to be first.” John Jay.

 

• “It is far better to be alone than to be in bad company.” George Washington.

 

* ”Give me liberty or give me death.” Patrick Henry.

 

• “The best form of government is that which is most likely to prevent the greatest sum of evil.” James Madison.

 

• “Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.” Benjamin Franklin.

 

• “It is true, however disgraceful it may be to human nature, that nations in general will make war whenever they have a prospect of getting anything by it.” John Jay.

 

• “We must support our rights or lose our character, and with it, perhaps, our liberties.” James Monroe.

 

• “You cannot undermine police authority and then complain about rising crime.” Thomas Paine.

 

• “I have concluded that one useless man is a disgrace, that two become a law firm, and that three or more become a congress.” John Adams.

 

• “If the freedom of speech is taken away, then dumb and silent one may be led, like sheep to the slaughter.” George Washington.

 

• “I think the first duty of society is justice.” Alexander Hamilton.

 

• “Believe none of what you hear and half of what you see.” Benjamin Franklin.

 

• “The essence of government is power, and power, lodged as it must be in human hands, will ever be liable to abuse.” James Madison.

 

• “The truth is that all men having power ought to be mistrusted.” James Madison.

 

• “Why has government been instituted at all? Because the passions of men will not conform to the dictates of reason and justice, without constraint.” Alexander Hamilton.

 

• “Some people die at 25 and aren't buried until 75.” Benjamin Franklin.

 

• “Oppressors can tyrannize only when they achieve a standing army, an enslaved press, and a disarmed populace.” James Madison.

 

• “I hold the maxim no less applicable to public than to private affairs, that honesty is the best policy.” George Washington.

 

• “Tell me and I forget. Teach me and I remember. Involve me and I learn.” Benjamin Franklin.

 

Dad Took Over My Hiding Place

I was not a hermit. We boys in the neighborhood regularly played softball, basketball, and football, and except during the worst days of winter, we rode our bicycles around town. However, with that being said, I needed time for myself (and I still do.) Like other boys, I liked sports, movies, and dances, but quiet time with a good book was also important.

The perfect hideout for me was the fruit cellar. Amid the smell of preserves, I would sit for hours on a delapidated chair, reading books I had borrowed from the library. Hardly anyone else came into the room, so it was a perfect “get away” spot. (During my “super hero phase, I hid my costume there.)

Out of necessity, I have owned a library card from an early age. On Sundays, we'd visit some very old people (Now they seem like kids) who, to me at the time, seemed extremely boring. Moreover, we sometimes stayed at those boring places for five or six hours at a time.

Therefore, I persuaded Mom to take me to the local library. The plan was to bring along a good book whenever we visited boring places, so that I would have something positive to do. The first book I took with me was Mark Twain's Adventures of Huckleberry Finn.

After socializing for a half hour or so, I went to the car and proceeded to read, believing I'd get a few chapters in before the “boss” decided to head home. Surprisingly, I read the book from cover to cover but still had to wait another hour before we left. After that, I brought along two books.

A year or so later, I was forced out of my fruit cellar reading center. Someone gave Dad a recipe for homemade beer, but evidently, they had listed too much sugar. Instead of beer, Dad had inadvertently invented his own rocket fuel.

One could be sleeping, watching TV, eating dinner, or reading the newspaper when a loud explosion, sounding much like a rocket attack, reverberated throughout the house. After such an attack, my secret reading room, from ceiling to floor, was covered with a strong-smelling brew. The beer was so potent that it ate the paint from the floor. Shards of glass were embedded in the walls and ceiling.

No longer could I use the room. During an attack, one could sustain serious injuries or perhaps could even be killed.

For four months, all but one of the beer bottles exploded. With a towel in hand, Dad retrieved the last bottle, bringing it upstairs to the kitchen. There, he opened it. A dark blue cloud escaped, along with a pungent odor. He gave me one sip. It burned my throat on the way down, and continued to do so while it sat gurgling in my stomach. “Mountain Dew” had nothing on this concoction.

The good news was that Dad never attempted to make another batch of home brew, so after the last bottle was consumed, I was able to move my reading quarters back to the fruit cellar. However, this arrangement didn't last long.

For his next adventure, Dad began making coleslaw. Each year, he would slice a few inches off my only good baseball bat before using it to smash the ingredients into a pulp. After five years of slaw-making, my bat was useful only for a two-year-old.

Unfortunately, Dad stored the big crocks of coleslaw in the fruit cellar. I tried reading in the cellar, but the smell was overwhelming. In desperation, I once tried nose plugs, but the smell was still suffocating, to say the least.

My next reading area was in the great outdoors. When good weather prevailed, I'd sit under a large tree in a wooded area behind our garage. The seating was uncomfortable, and at times the mosquitoes feasted upon me, but at least I didn't have to worry about flying shards of glass and stinky coleslaw.

On numerous occasions, our son heard the story about Grandpa's coleslaw operation.. When he was old enough to play baseball, he requested a glove and a bat. Specifically, he asked for a metal bat, just in case his grandfather decided to once again go into the coleslaw business.

The Most Humorous Presidents

One does not need a great sense of humor to be a great president. The “father” of our country, George Washington, evidently was no comedienne; neither were the two Roosevelts. However, a sense of humor makes a leader more interesting, and in some ways, seems to make him more relatable.

After long hours of research, I discovered that, in my opinion, Abraham Lincoln, Calvin Coolidge, John F. Kennedy, and Ronald Reagan should have their likenesses carved on the Mount Rushmore of Laughter.

ABRAHAM LINCOLN:

* During a debate, an opponent accused Lincoln of being two-faced. Here is Lincoln’s reply: “If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?”

* “It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues.”

* “And in the end, it’s not the years in your life that count; it’s the life in your years.”

* “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.”

* “Common-looking people are the best in the world. That is the reason the Lord makes so many of them.”

CALVIN COOLIDGE:

* A minister was invited to the Coolidge home for dinner before he was to preach at a revival meeting. The minister barely touched his food, explaining that abstaining helped his preaching. After the revival, Coolidge remarked, “He might as well have eaten.”

* Coolidge was a man of few words, thus earning himself the nickname, “Silent Cal.” One day, a lady approached him, explaining that she had a bet with her friends that she could get at least three words out of him. “You lose,” was his witty reply.

* President and Mrs. Coolidge were visiting an ultra-modern farm. Mrs. Coolidge, who took the tour of the farm first, was impressed by a rooster who never seemed to run out of energy as he performed his duties. “When Mr. Coolidge comes around, point out the stamina of this rooster to him,” she requested. Later, when the rooster was brought to his attention, Coolidge asked if it performed for one chicken or many chickens. When informed it was the latter, Coolidge requested that the guide inform his wife accordingly. Evidently, Coolidge was making the point that he, too, would be more productive if he were performing for several “chicks.”

JOHN f. KENNEDY:

* Many skeptics speculated that Kennedy’s dad “bought” the 1960 presidential election. Kennedy replied: “I just received the following wire from my generous daddy: ‘Dear Jack, don’t buy a single vote more than is necessary. I’ll be d***** if I’m going to pay for a landslide.’”

* Kennedy had this to say about being president: “The pay is good and I can walk to work.”

* “Forgive your enemies but never forget their names.”

* “Washington is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm.”

* Kennedy was criticized for selecting his younger brother to be the Attorney General: “I see nothing wrong with giving Robert some legal experience as Attorney General before he goes out to practice law.”

RONALD REAGAN:

* “It isn’t that liberals are ignorant. It’s just that they know so many things that aren’t so.”

* “How do you tell a communist? Well, it’s someone who reads Marx and Lenin. And how do you tell an anti-communist? It’s someone who understands Marx and Lenin.”

* Reagan’s critics pictured him as a teetering old man who spent most of his time sleeping: “I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I’m in a cabinet meeting.”

* “Thomas Jefferson once said, ‘We should never judge a president by his age, but only by his works.’ And ever since he told me that, I stopped worrying.”

* During the presidential campaign, the Democrats used Reagan’s age as a major issue. During a debate with Walter Mondale, Reagan turned the argument on its head: “I want you to know also I will not make age an issue of this campaign. I am not going to exploit for political purposes my opponent’s youth and inexperience.”

The Latest (Just for Laughs) "News"

 

• Scientists have discovered that if your parents had no children, the chances are overwhelming that you won't, either.

• Also, they've learned that craziness is inherited. You get it from your kids.

• In the latest favorability poll, Congress is rated just below Ricketts and diphtheria.

• Social scientists have made an important breakthrough: They state the chief cause of divorce is marriage.

• A recent poll indicated that over 85% of Americans confuse hemorrhoids with asteroids. Unfortunately, there are some things that Preparation H cannot prevent.

• Congress is considering a law to limit husbands to watching three football games per weekend. Some husbands agree to it if a twin bill is passed limiting wives to three hours of shopping per weekend.

• Even more husbands support a bill that would require wives to shop for ten hours every weekend, which would leave the guys with more valuable time for football.

• After years of study, experts have determined a sure-fire way to detect when politicians are lying: It's whenever they speak.

• Cutting back on “wine, women, and song” has not been found to lengthen one's life. It just feels that it does.

• In a recent poll, 92% of men would like to see the rumble seat reintroduced as standard equipment in automobiles. I had no idea 92% of married men have living mothers-in-law.

• In interviews, we learn that women often want a man who is a good provider. Also, she wants a man who is kind and romantic. Most of all, she wants a man who will help with the work around the house. The trick, of course, is to make certain these three men never meet.

• When interviewed, a 108-year-old lady explained the secret to a long life: “Keep breathing.”

• Doctors and dietitians recommend this rule of thumb for better health: If it tastes good, don't eat it.

• Despite arguments to the contrary, doctors have said several trips each evening to the refrigerator do not constitute a healthy exercise plan.

• It is said men are from Mars. A recent poll indicated that over two-thirds of women would like to send them back there.

• Another study indicates 95% of women believe men are overgrown kids. That's fine, but if my wife ever tells me that, I'll kick her out of my fort.

• Congress has passed a simplified tax return. On line one, you list your gross income. On line two, you list 25% of the gross amount. Add the two lines together and list the total on line three. Sign and return to the government with a check. Pretty simple.

• Studies indicate that women have reached true equality. They can be just as selfish and stupid as men can be.

***** And that's all the news that is unfit to print, but we did it anyway.