Bonanza-The Lost Episode

***Most “experts” believe that this popular Western ran a total of 430 episodes, but now we can add one more show to the list. Last Wednesday, while cleaning out my sock drawer, I discovered a lost episode. I have no idea how the film got there. Of course, I once shot an elephant in my pajamas, and I have no idea how it got into my pajamas, so some things in life must remain a mystery.

***During the long run of the program (1959-1973), the three sons and even “Pa” were involved in several romances. Unfortunately, falling in love with a Cartwright was the kiss of death, as you shall see in this episode.

***The setting is the huge living room of the Cartwright house, which is located in the middle of a 1,000 square-mile cattle ranch near Virginia City, Nevada. The year is 1867, just two years after the end of the Civil War. The youngest son, “Little Joe,” has brought his fiancée, Miss Lillian Jones, to meet the family.

LITTLE JOE: Lillian, I’d like you to meet my father, Ben.

BEN: (always serious and wise): I’m honored to meet you, Lillian. Joe has told us so much about you.

LILLIAN: And Joe has told me so much about you and your boys, Mr. Cartwright.

BEN: Since you’re going to be part of the family, why don’t you call me “Pa?”

LILLIAN: Well, since I’ll soon be a Cartwright, I will call you “Pa.”

***Hoss, the huge middle son with the matching appetite, runs from the kitchen to the living room. He has a drumstick in one hand and a piece of apple pie in the other. The Chinese cook, Hop Sing, is chasing him while menacingly swinging a skillet:

HOP SING: Mr. Hoss, I warned you to stay out of the kitchen until supper!

HOSS: (jumping over a chair while taking a bite of pie): Come on, Hop Sing! Have a heart! I haven’t had anything to eat since three-thirty!

HOP SING: Yes, but it’s now only three forty-five!

BEN: Men, we have company! Act like gentlemen! Lillian, this is my middle son, Eric, but he’s so big that we call him “Hoss.”

***After quickly devouring the rest of the pie, Hoss licks his fingers before shaking hands with Joe’s bride-to-be.

BEN: And this is our cook, Hop Sing.

HOP SING: Glad to meet you, Missy.

***Hop Sing then whacks Hoss over the head with the skillet. As Hoss falls to the floor, Hop Sing grabs what remains of the chicken and heads back to the kitchen.

BEN (as Adam enters the room): Lillian, this is my oldest son, Adam. He’s the smartest of the three. As a matter of fact, he’s the only one smart enough to get off this show; he’s not signing a contract for the next season.

***After lunch, the boys go about their typical day, rounding up stray cattle, helping clear a man wrongly accused of murder, diverting a raging river to protect a bustling city, and meeting Mark Twain and President Andrew Johnson at the stagecoach stop in Virginia City.

LILLIAN: So, Pa, is the boys’ mother deceased?

BEN: Yes, each of their mothers is dead.

LILLIAN: You had more than one wife?

BEN: I’ve had three. My first wife, Elizabeth, died giving birth to Adam. A few weeks after Hoss was born, my second wife, Inger, was nailed by an Indian’s arrow. Marie, Little Joe’s mother, fell off a horse and died when he was only five.

LILLIAN That’s terrible, Pa!

BEN: Well, you know what they always say-lucky in land, unlucky in love. And, of course, on the bright side, those deaths eliminated any chance I’d ever have to pay alimony or give up part of my property.

LILLIAN: Why have your sons never married, Pa?

BEN: They tried! I guess you could call it the “Cartwright Curse.” I remember that Adam was madly in love with a cute little blonde from Virginia City. They set a wedding date, and he bought her the biggest diamond I’ve ever seen.

LILLIAN: What happened?

BEN: It ended in tragedy. She was standing out front, just to the left of the house. Adam went back into the house to get his hat. Unbeknownst to her, a gaint beaver was gnawing on a nearby ponderosa pine; that tree came crashing down on her; she survived only long enough to give Adam a tearful goodbye.

LILLIAN: That’s terrible, Pa!

BEN: Well, in a way it was, but our ratings shot up after that show! It took poor Adam three episodes to get over that gal! Then he fell head over heels for a perky little brunette from San Francisco. They were planning to marry, but once again, tragedy struck.

LILLIAN: Pa, what happened?

BEN: It was a bad case of hoof and mouth disease. There was nothing we could do to save her. With all that foam on her face, I can’t really blame Adam for not kissing her one last time.

LILLIAN: Pa, how did he cope with losing two loves?

BEN: He coped in the best way our writers could think of; he promptly fell in love with another lady. If I remember correctly, she was from back East in Ohio. She traveled here with her father, who was an encyclopedia salesman. To make a long story short, Adam built a house for her on the southeastern corner of the Ponderosa. That would be about four hundred miles from here. Anyway, she loved the house so much that she moved into it before the wedding.

LILLIAN: What happened, Pa? Did the roof fall on top of her? Did the Indians get her?

BEN: No, nothing like that. Adam didn’t realize that he had built the cabin on top of quicksand. By the time he rode out there to visit, she’d been submerged for at least twelve hours. Adam pulled her out of the muck so that she could say a few appropriate last words before expiring. Poor Adam grieved for four episodes until he hooked up with a little redhead from Oregon.

LILLIAN: Pa, let me guess. She died, too.

BEN: Well, we think she did.

LILLIAN: You’re not sure?

BEN: On the day of the wedding, a giant eagle swooped her up, and we haven’t seen her since. Of course, her disappearance didn’t surprise me; she was signed for just one show.

LILLIAN: Pa, what about Hoss?

BEN: As you can see, Hoss isn’t the most pleasant thing to look at, and he’s not the brightest match in the pack, if you catch my drift, but when I kick the bucket, he’ll be rich as heck, so women flock around him like flies to honey. He was to marry Peggy Sue from Virginia City. Unfortunately, she was shot by Sheriff Coffee.

LILLIAN: Pa, how did that happen?

BEN: A notorious bank robber was seen in this area. When holding up a bank, he dressed in women’s clothing for a disguise. After he took the loot from the Virginia City 4^th 5^th Bank, the sheriff was given a description of what the outlaw was wearing. Unfortunately, Peggy Sue was wearing an identical outfit that day, and she was carrying a large bag of cookies that she had just baked for Hoss. The sheriff mistook the cookies for a bag of loot. It was a simple case of mistaken identity. At least Hoss enjoyed the cookies.

LILLIAN: Pa, I suppose he overcame his sorrow by finding another girl?

BEN: Not right away. To get through the crisis, he had Hop Sing make him extra chicken and biscuits. That boy is a bottomless pit. About five episodes later, Hoss fell for a gal who worked in a saloon. Unfortunately, a cattle stampede took care of her.

LILLIAN: Pa, I am Joe’s first true love, aren’t I?

BEN: Of course, except for Mary, Sally, Marie, Rachel, Jessie, Barbara, and Edith.

LILLIAN: My Little Joe was in love with all those women?

BEN: Not at the same time! I think he could have been happy with Mary for at least six or seven episodes; it’s too bad that those mountain lions mauled her while she was sunbathing. I told her repeatedly that lying out in the sun isn’t good for one’s health.

LILLIAN: Pa, did all of them die?

BEN: All but Rachel; technically, she’s not dead.

LILLIAN: What do you mean, Pa?

BEN: She was overtaken by a glacier that had slid down from Canada. The doctor in Virginia City said that eventually, we might find a way to thaw her out. Until then, she’s traveling in a block of ice with a circus; she’s known as “The Frozen Lady of Borneo.” It took poor Joe almost three episodes to get over her.

LILLIAN: Well, Mr. Cartwright, this has been an enlightening conversation. Please tell Little Joe that I have some pressing business to attend to in Hong Kong. I’ll be very busy for the next couple of decades.

BEN: Call me “Pa.”

LILLIAN: Goodbye, Mr. Cartwright.

Back in my Day

 

Grandson: “Grandpa, I have to do a report for school on some old person's early life, so I picked you.”

Grandpa: “That's nice. How old do you think I am?”

Grandson: “I asked my brother. He said you're older than dirt, so I guess you're about 150 or so years old.”

Grandpa: “Well, Billy, you're pretty close. You know, back in my day, we kids usually walked to school and back.”

Grandson: “You didn't ride a bus?”

Grandpa: “Only in bad weather. Of course, back in those days, we rode the school stagecoach.”

Grandson: “Cool!”

Grandpa: “But as I said, usually we walked. We had to be tough back in those days. Both going to school and coming home were uphill. At school, we didn't have fire drills. Instead, we had Indian raid drills. When the alarm was sounded, each student grabbed their gun and poked it out of the designated hole before commencing to fire.”

Grandson: “Your school was sure more interesting than mine.”

Grandpa: “Being at home was no picnic, either. We had one TV set, and when your great-grandfather got home, he controlled what was watched. There were only four TV stations, and their shows were broadcast in glorious black and white. To pick up those stations, great-grandpa had a big silver tower beside the house that seemed to reach to the heavens.”

Grandson: “That sounds pretty primitive.”

Grandpa: “Well, my father did have an automatic TV channel changer.”

Grandson: “They had such a devise way back when?”

Grandpa: “Yes, it was called a son. And you know, Billy, back in my day we didn't have cell phones.”

Grandson: “No! How could you call somebody if you weren't at home?”

Grandpa: “On about every third corner was a box-like structure with a door. Inside was a telephone. For a dime, you could make a call.”

Grandson: “No way!”

Grandpa: “Way! Many years ago, when your dad was about your age, I told him about a college basketball coach who recruited a bunch of players, all of whom averaged over 30 points a game in high school, but didn't know how to play defense. The coach said, 'They couldn't guard Marilyn Monroe in a phone booth.' First, your dad wanted to know what a phone booth is; then he asked, 'What's a Marilyn Monroe?'”

Grandson: “So, what is a Marilyn Monroe, Grandpa?”

Grandpa: “Come back in a decade or two, and I'll explain. The first of my father's cars I remember was a 1953 Chevrolet. It had no power steering, no power brakes, hand cranks for the windows, no air conditioning, and no radio.”

Grandson: “Did it have a steering wheel or a joystick?”

Grandpa: “It did have a steering wheel. And you know, your great- grandmother always gave us kids a choice when it came to meals.”

Grandson: “So, if she made something you didn't like, you could ask for something else?”

Grandpa: “No, it didn't quite work that way. The choices were to take it or leave it.”

Grandson: “Did you like going to school, Grandpa?”

Grandpa: “Yes. As long as you did what you were told, nobody messed with you, but if you didn't behave, they'd haul out the paddle.”

Grandson: “They didn't give you a timeout?”

Grandpa: “Well, after a few swats on the backside, a student wanted to take time out from sitting.”

Grandma enters the room.

Grandma: “Billy, you have to take whatever your grandpa says with a grain of salt. He was an excellent teacher, but he would have been an even better politician.”

Grandson: “Because he speaks so well?”

Grandma: “No, because he sometimes stretches the truth almost to the breaking point.”

Grandson: “Well, Grandpa, I guess it's a good thing you're not Pinocchio.”

Grandpa: “By the way, Billy, did I ever tell you about the time your grandma dated Abraham Lincoln?”

Grandson: “Wow! When was that?”

Grandpa: “Let's see; I'd say about four score and seven years ago.”

You are getting old if...

 You are getting old if...

• happy hour is your nap time.

• the fire warden limits the number of candles on your birthday cake.

• you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.

• your children look middle-aged.

• Depends have replaced Speedos.

• your mind makes contracts that your body can't keep.

• you feel like the morning after, but you haven't been anywhere.

• when walking, your feet make the same sounds as a bowl of Rice Krispies.

• when hiking, vultures follow you

  .

* you sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.

* you need a GPS that tells you where you're going and why you're going there.

• you're afraid to visit a museum because they might not let you leave.

• the candles on your cake cost more than the cake.

• your knees buckle, but your belt won't.

• most of your underwear is older than your doctors.

• it takes twice as long to look half as good.

• the only females who pursue you are mosquitoes.

• your back goes out more than you do.

• people say, “You look good for your age.”

• your idea of spending a night out is sitting on the patio.

• there is nothing left to learn the hard way.

• it takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

• someone admires your turtleneck sweater, and then you realize you're not wearing one!

• the only place you hear your favorite songs is in an elevator.

• Your grandson asks if you voted for Lincoln. You say “yes.”

* Age is simply mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter!

I've Learned a Few Things

 

Throughout the years, I've learned a few things:

• When you make a mistake, treat yourself as you would treat another person who had committed the same goof-up. Often, we are more critical of ourselves than we are of other folks.

• Simply stay away from anyone who consistently treats you disrespectfully. Life is too short to spend precious time around somebody who is always putting you down.

• Don't do something just to get praise or awards. Do something because it's the right thing to do.

• Recognize when you accomplish something and praise yourself; don't worry about recognition from others. When that happens, fine, but don't make external recognition all that important.

• Be a good listener. Let the other person finish their thoughts before you speak.

• Remember that in God's eyes, you are important, but you are no more important than the rest of His “lambs.”

• Work hard at your occupation, but don't let it consume your entire life.

• Do not have blind total loyalty to your employers. Most of them would fire you in a New York minute if that would save them a buck.

• Be caring and polite to the people you do not have to be caring and polite.

• No matter our skin color, our sexual orientation, or our wealth (or lack thereof), we are all children of God.

• Make the time to spend with your spouse, children, and friends. After you work yourself half to death, the company will not have a statue made in your likeness. Nor will it rename the company headquarters in your name.

• If you have a spouse or a significant other, always treat them as equal partners.

• Don't watch more than two hours of news per night; otherwise, your brain could turn to mush.

• Find an interesting hobby that you can do all by yourself whenever family and friends are busy doing other things.

• Serve others. It's good for them, and it's good for you, too.

• Don't get stuck in a rut. Occasionally, try new things.

• If you have a spouse or significant other, at least once a day, tell them that you love them, and mean it.

• At least once a week, forget about all the negative stuff. Instead, count your blessings, you lucky stiff!

• Remember that there is SOMEONE bigger than you and me.

• When you need to, criticize your nation, but never stop loving it.

• If your wife asks if a certain outfit makes her backside look big, the answer is always NO!

* This might be the most important lesson of all: Never eat the yellow snow.

Quotes about Relationships

 

• “Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.” Henny Youngman.

• “The best thing to hold onto in life is each other.” Audrey Hepburn.

• “Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.” Erma Bombeck.

• “A perfect marriage is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.” Unknown.

• “A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.” Milton Berle.

• “A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.” Mignon McLaughlin.

• “My husband and I have never considered divorce...murder sometimes, but never divorce.” Joyce Brothers.

• “We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” Henny Youngman.

• “Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” Phyllis Diller.

• “Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.” Benjamin Franklin.

• “Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.” Groucho Marx.

• “Never marry the one you can live with; marry the one you cannot live without.”' Unknown.

• “Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

• “I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy the rest of your life.” Rita Rudner.

• “I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” Groucho Marx.

• “A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.” Ruth Graham.

• “All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” Red Skelton.

• “Don't ever stop dating your wife and don't ever stop flirting with your husband.” Unknown.

• “My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day, she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.” Rodney Dangerfield.

• “People are always asking couples where marriage has endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.” Erma Bombeck.

  * “To get the full value of joy, you must have someone to divide it with.” Mark Twain.

• “We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations-we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.” Rodney Dangerfield.

• “Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.” Mae West. 

Gunsmoke-the Lost Episode

 

• Gunsmoke, the longest-running TV western (1955-1975), officially had 635 episodes. However, a long-lost show was recently discovered at the bottom of my sock drawer. You may ask how that could be. Well, Groucho Marx once shot an elephant in his pajamas. To this day, we have no idea how that elephant got into Groucho's pajamas. Some things remain a mystery.

The bewhiskered Festus rides into Dodge City on his trusty mule. He stops at the Long-Branch Saloon for a sandwich and a cold beer. He is greeted by the proprietor, Miss Kitty.

Kitty: “What are you having, stranger?”

Festus: “A cold tall beer and a sandwich, ma'am, and a couple beers for my mule.”

The tall and handsome Marshal Matt Dillon enters the saloon. Miss Kitty's eyes are riveted on him.

Festus: “Is he your man, Miss Kitty?”

Kitty: “I wish. What a hunk! However, he refuses to get romantically involved. Something about giving his full attention to the law.”

Festus: “He doesn't have a sweetheart?”

Kitty: “Well, unless he has a secret one, no. I've literally thrown myself at him, but he'd rather polish his badge than kiss me!

Dillon steps to the bar and orders a glass of milk. A bad guy dressed in black (not Johnny Cash) mocks the marshal.

Outlaw: “You're a sissy, Dillon! Real men drink whiskey, and plenty of it! I dare you to drink firewater with me!”

Dillon quietly drinks his milk.

Outlaw: “I'm calling you out, sissy. Draw!”

Dillon: “I'm tough enough to deal with you, bub.”

Outlaw: “Why do you think you're so tough?”

Dillon: “Because I drink my milk out of a dirty glass.”

Outlaw: “I meant no offense, Marshal. I was just kidding about a gunfight, sir.”

After Miss Kitty introduces Festus to Dillon, the marshal asks if he would be interested in a deputy's job.

Festus: “Well, I don't shoot too straight, I have anger issues, and I make stupid mistakes.”

Dillon: “That's okay. The only other candidate for the job, whose name was Barney something, had been a sheriff's deputy, but he was so dangerous with a gun that the sheriff only gave him one bullet at a time.”

Festus: “Then I'll take the job!”

Doc Adams enters the saloon and sits down with Festus and Dillon. The doctor and the new deputy take an instant dislike to each other.

Festus: “So, Doc, where did ya' get your medical training?”'

Doc Adams: “I learned on the job during the Civil War.”

Festus: “Is that why they call you Old Sawbones?”

Doc Adams: “Why, you grisly old nincompoop! Nobody calls me that!”

Festus: “Then, what was the main thing you learned during the war?”

Doc Adams: “I learned how to hold a patient down with my left arm while sawing off his arm or his leg with my right one. I've found that this technique keeps patients from coming in for simple or imaginary illnesses.”

Festus: “I think my mule has more sense than you do, Doc.”

Doc Adams: “You scoundrel! I'll cut off your limbs for free! Then we can call you Stumpy!”

Festus:” Matthew, since I'm new here and all, how about if I treat you to lunch? You could tell me all about Dodge.”

Dillon: “Sorry, Festus, but I have a date with the love of my life. These roses are for her.”

Miss Kitty hears the conversation. In anticipation, she quickly runs her fingers through her hair and chews on a breath mint.

To Kitty's surprise and dismay, Dillon walks past her table, exits the saloon, and heads for the stables. Upon reaching his horse, he presents her with the roses and then plants a big kiss upon her forehead.

Miss Kitty: “I wonder if that Barney Fife fellow is dating anyone?”

Mother-in-Law Jokes

 

• Mother-in-law stereotypes are not fair to the vast majority of women who hold that position. However, keeping that in mind, mother-in-law jokes are funny.

• “Just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.” Henny Youngman.

• “It's not that we didn't get along; it's just that my mother-in-law is very objective. She objected to everything I did.” Beverly D'Angelo.

• “I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for eighteen months. I don't like to interrupt her.” Ken Dodd.

• “Adam was the luckiest man in the world. He had no mother-in-law.” Mark Twain.

• “Have I got a mother-in-law. She's so neat, she puts paper under the cuckoo.” Henny Youngman.

• “My mother-in-law has come (a)round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in.” Les Dawson.

• “I told my mother-in-law, 'My house is your house.' So she sold it.” Henny Youngman.

• “The mother of a trophy wife is not automatically a trophy mother-in-law.” John Grisham.

• “I wanted to do something nice, so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.” Henny Youngman.

• “Behind every successful man is a proud wife and a surprised mother-in-law.” Hubert H. Humphrey.

• “My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed; I never knew they worked.” Les Dawson.

• “We were having tea with my mother-in-law the other day, and out of the blue she said,'I've decided I want to be cremated.' I said, 'Alright, get your coat.'” Dave Spikey.

• “Be kind to your mother-in-law, but pay for her board at some good hotel.” Josh Billings.

• “The only thing more intimidating than a huge international film star is your mother-in-law.” Benjamin Walker.

• “They (mothers-in-law) never leave when they say they will. When my mother-in-law visits, the mice throw themselves at the cat, begging to be eaten.” Lisa Kleypas.

• “I'm often accused of saying some pretty rotten things about my mother-in-law, but quite honestly, she's only got one major fault-it's called breathing.” Les Dawson.

• “A car is like a mother-in-law; if you let it, it will rule your life.” Jaime Lerner.

• “I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said, 'Keep her moving, sir; we're stock -taking.'” Les Dawson.

• “My wife is the kind of girl who will not go anywhere without her mother, and her mother will go anywhere.” John Barrymore.

• “Scrum is like your mother-in-law; it points out all your faults.” Ken Schwaber.