'I've Learned a Lot from TV

I received a good education from our public schools. In fact, since I took two years of Latin, if the Roman Empire ever comes back, I can use my linguistic knowledge to get a job at the United Nations as an interpreter: “The new Julius Caesar says, 'All roads, except Interstate 70, still lead to Rome.'”

With that being said, my education has been enhanced tremendously by what I have learned from TV programs. Who needs a PHD when these sources of information are available?

Just the other day, I learned why we have never found the bones or even the waste materials of those creatures we call Bigfoot. Surprisingly, even my skeptical-by-nature wife believes such a creature exists. When I told her what I had learned about the creature from a recent TV show, she stated, “I saw one of those hairy, ugly creatures the other day.”

Wanting to know more, I asked: “Where did you see it?”

“It was getting out of our bathtub!”

“Very funny! That was me!” That's what I get for marrying a comedian.

Anyway, the aforementioned program explained why, except for some huge footprints and some blurry photographs, we have no hard evidence that these mysterious creatures actually exist. According to the recent TV program, whenever Bigfoot feels ill, he simply transports himself into another dimension. I suppose he does this out of respect for our ecosystem. Evidently, out of simple courtesy, he travels to another dimension whenever nature calls, or perhaps he goes to San Francisco. Who would notice a little extra pile of waste on top of the mess already there?

For a couple of thousand years, experts have tried to figure out how the Egyptians built their pyramids so precisely. We know they are constructed almost perfectly, but historians, archaeologists, and engineers tell us the ancient Egyptians did not have the technology to build them. Yet, there they are.

Thanks to watching a particular TV show, I've solved this mystery. True, the ancient Egyptians lacked the technology and the equipment to do the job, but they got some help. Long ago, aliens from a faraway galaxy came to Earth. Their technology level was way beyond what we have even today. Being some of the nicer guys in the universe, these dudes rolled up their sleeves (They might have had several arms, so we don't know how many sleeves) and built these lasting monuments.

Evidently, those ancient Egyptians lucked out, because I learned that some advanced aliens come here to do us harm. A TV program showed aliens who arrived on Earth and soon eradicated disease and starvation. They seemed like such nice fellows, so when they began free visits to their planet, thousands of Earthlings accepted their offer.

One skeptical human being was able to discover what the strange language in one of their books meant. Sadly, by this time, his girlfriend was on her way to their far-off planet. The book was a cookbook that listed various ways to prepare humans. Folks, these were one-way trips. My wife said this show was fictional, but I'm not so sure. I do know this: Some space aliens cannot be trusted.

Although Nostradamus lived long ago, many of his predictions have been spot-on. For example, he described the coming of Hitler and barely missed the demented dictator's actual name. How did he do this? Was it magic? Was he a good guesser? If you don't watch much TV, you probably don't know the answer to this puzzle.

You see, advanced aliens, who no doubt had the ability to travel through time, gave Nostradamus his information. Of course, they would not have been the aliens who came here to fatten us up; they would have eaten the poor guy. Maybe it was the nice aliens who took the time to help the ancient Egyptians.

As you can see, one cannot obtain a full education from simply attending our public schools and universities. The real mysteries of life are solved by watching TV. Just today, for example, I learned from a commercial that food loaded with sugar is really good for you. You can take that information to the bank.