*.Being a parent is the most important job in the world, but being a grandparent is the most fun!
*Lance is no longer a common name, but during the Medieval Ages, people were named Lance a lot.
*Three things that tell the truth: small children, drunk people, and yoga pants.
*”You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.” Milton Berle.
*”You know you're old if they discontinue your blood type.” Phyllis Diller.
*”I've had so much surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.” Joan Rivers.
*”Man is the only animal that can be skinned more than once.” Jimmy Durante.
*My childhood punishments have become my adult goals: staying home, eating vegetables, having a nap, and going to bed early.
*”You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.” George Burns.
*Back in my day we had to walk to the TV to change the channel! It was uphill both ways and the leaky roof let in snow.
*Ben Stiller must have been talking about my wife: “God was showing off when he made you.”
*I miss some things about being young, especially the ability to sneeze without hurting myself.
*”Sometimes you get the sense that the Creator is getting to the point of,' Yeah, we might have to reboot.” Tim Allen.
*”With today's movies, if we took out the bad language, we'd go back to silent films.” Bob Hope.
*Studies show that whenever you drink a pint of beer, your lifespan is shortened by 9 minutes. Therefore, according to my calculations, I must have died in 1644.
*”We work jobs we hate, to buy things we don't need, to impress people we don't like.” Tzler Durden.
*You never realize what you have until it's gone. A good example of this is toilet paper.
*”I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel all alone.” Robin Williams.
*”Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you're donating blood.” Bill Murray.
*“The advice I would give to someone is to not take anyone's advice.” Eddie Murphy.
*”I wasn't born a fool. It took work to get this way.” Danny Kaye.
*”It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers.” James Thurber.
*”You can have a fresh start any moment you choose, for the thing that we call 'failure' is not the falling down, but the staying down.” Mary Pickford.
*”The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.” Edmund Burke.
