So Much for "Expert" Advice

. Recently, I read an article from a self-proclaimed expert on marriage. He said no matter how well a marriage is working, it can be enhanced when both the husband and the wife constantly and truthfully communicate with one another.

Me: “Dear, the magazine expert says you should tell me about my deficiencies so I may improve.”

Better Half: “Sweetheart, I cannot think of anything important enough to criticize. You treat me with respect and always see me as an equal. Furthermore, you seldom criticize me. What's not to like?”

Me: “There must be some things I do that bug you.”

Better Half: “No, I feel blessed to have you as my mate.”

Me: “I feel the same about you, dear. You may not be an angel, but you come pretty close.”

Better Half: “Of course, your jokes are corny, and it's kind of boring when you tell the same ones repeatedly.”

Me: “I tell them repeatedly because they're classics.”

Better Half: “And you watch too many sporting events.”

Me: “At least I don't rot my brain with those silly romance movies.”

Better Half: “Silly? You wouldn't know romance if it bit you in the butt.”

Me: “Well, you wouldn't know what a blitz is even if you were playing quarterback.”

Better Half: “And your friends are stupid and unsophisticated.”

Me: “You and your card buddies sound like hens in a chicken coop while the fox is making a raid.”

Better Half: “You watch too many old silly cowboy shows.”

Me: “You spend half the day watching boring detective shows. You seem to be fascinated by murder.”

Better Half: “The more we talk, the more it enters my mind.”

Me: “You invite your mother to our house too often.”

Better Half: “What? She hasn't been here in two years!”

Me: “Well, it seems like yesterday. She once told me you should have married that butcher from Cleveland.”

Better Half: “Maybe she was right!”

Me: “All I know is that your father died on purpose to get away from her!”

Better Half: “Take that back!”

Me: “I'm sorry. Listen, you are a better person than I am. You even have better in-laws than I do.”

Better Half: “Thank you. Hey, wait a minute!”

*If you see my wife, say “hi” for me. We haven't spoken to each other for a week. As for the “expert,” we want a restraining order to keep him at least ten miles from our residence, and we've canceled our magazine subscription. My wife and I have learned this: In marriage, sometimes ignorance of one another is bliss.