There are some Goofy Things on TV

As a veteran TV watcher, I must admit there have been some remarkable programs. Old Laurel and Hardy films, classics like Oklahoma, and murder mysteries are among my favorites. Yet, I would be amiss not to comment about some of TV's “stinkers.”

During my childhood years, almost every evening Dad and I watched cowboy shows. In fact, several decades later, I still watch old Westerns. But I must admit many of those shows were somewhat “cheesy.” For instance, in most (but not all) cases, the females are depicted as helpless, fragile things who could not possibly survive without strong, handsome, and rugged cowboy heroes around to protect them.

Unless women have undergone drastic changes, that was pure fantasy. The women I know are not child-like, helpless little creatures, far from it.

Another goofy thing about westerns has to do with the “bad guys.” Evidently, to be in good standing in the Bad Guys' Union, one had to be a lousy shot. While the blindfolded hero could shoot an apple from a tree three miles away, the villain couldn't pour lead into his adversary from a distance of five feet!

Last but not least, with few exceptions, the hero of the western remained single. A wife and children were not in the cards for a bona fide good guy. In Gunsmoke, for example, poor Kitty kept hoping Marshall Dillon would pop the question, but he never did. Perhaps she began to believe he was more interested in Festus than in her.

Mom watched a soap opera that I thought was unrealistic. The bad guys captured a cop and then replaced him with one of their own. Thanks to plastic surgery and voice lessons, no one suspected this guy wasn't the “real McCoy.”

Of course, there is no way this impostor could have fooled the cop's wife. “Why does my husband now have a mole on his butt?” she might ask herself, or “Why does he watch the Braves? He's always hated baseball.” Or perhaps: “This is strange; he never slept with his socks on before.”

My favorite superhero has and always will be Superman. I thought he and his fellow crime-fighters were so cool that my cousin Dave and I used towels and sacks to make our own super outfits. (Super Dave is now semi-retired as a superhero. Using his guitar, he bonks anyone who jaywalks or does not put money into the parking meter.) Thanks to us, many a hog, cow, and chicken on Grandpa's farm were saved from an imagined fate worse than death. (But during butchering season, even we couldn't save them!)

However, Superman's attempts to disguise himself were ridiculous. By merely combing his hair differently and putting on a pair of glasses, he fooled even those at the Daily Planet who worked with him.

Jimmy Olsen: “Gee, Miss Lane, Clark Kent sure looks like Superman. They have the same height, the same build, and their voices are similar.”

Lois Lane: “Don't be a fool, Jimmy. Superman does not wear glasses, and unlike Clark, he is not a sissy.”

Jimmy Olsen: “Gee, I guess you're right, Miss Lane. I just wasn't thinking.”

If you want to talk about goofy, take a look at some of the TV commercials. The worst ones tell us that if we use their product, suddenly we will be viewed by the opposite sex as handsome (or beautiful) and daring.

It reminds me of the old joke in which the patient asks the doctor if he will be able to play the piano after undergoing carpal tunnel surgery on both wrists. “Of course you will, “ boasted the doc. “That's great,” the patient replied, “'cause I never could before.”

Imagine a young man who is perhaps somewhat overweight and lacks self-confidence. So far in his life, he has struck out with the ladies, but now a commercial tells him that putting their product on his hair or on his face will have the most beautiful gals wanting to be part of his life. The poor, desperate guy will spend a few bucks in the hope that somehow this one thing will change his fortunes. Sadly, it won't.

Well, I've got to go now. I don't want to miss my favorite soap opera: “As the Stomach Turns.”