The Latest (Just for Laughs) "News"

 

• Scientists have discovered that if your parents had no children, the chances are overwhelming that you won't, either.

• Also, they've learned that craziness is inherited. You get it from your kids.

• In the latest favorability poll, Congress is rated just below Ricketts and diphtheria.

• Social scientists have made an important breakthrough: They state the chief cause of divorce is marriage.

• A recent poll indicated that over 85% of Americans confuse hemorrhoids with asteroids. Unfortunately, there are some things that Preparation H cannot prevent.

• Congress is considering a law to limit husbands to watching three football games per weekend. Some husbands agree to it if a twin bill is passed limiting wives to three hours of shopping per weekend.

• Even more husbands support a bill that would require wives to shop for ten hours every weekend, which would leave the guys with more valuable time for football.

• After years of study, experts have determined a sure-fire way to detect when politicians are lying: It's whenever they speak.

• Cutting back on “wine, women, and song” has not been found to lengthen one's life. It just feels that it does.

• In a recent poll, 92% of men would like to see the rumble seat reintroduced as standard equipment in automobiles. I had no idea 92% of married men have living mothers-in-law.

• In interviews, we learn that women often want a man who is a good provider. Also, she wants a man who is kind and romantic. Most of all, she wants a man who will help with the work around the house. The trick, of course, is to make certain these three men never meet.

• When interviewed, a 108-year-old lady explained the secret to a long life: “Keep breathing.”

• Doctors and dietitians recommend this rule of thumb for better health: If it tastes good, don't eat it.

• Despite arguments to the contrary, doctors have said several trips each evening to the refrigerator do not constitute a healthy exercise plan.

• It is said men are from Mars. A recent poll indicated that over two-thirds of women would like to send them back there.

• Another study indicates 95% of women believe men are overgrown kids. That's fine, but if my wife ever tells me that, I'll kick her out of my fort.

• Congress has passed a simplified tax return. On line one, you list your gross income. On line two, you list 25% of the gross amount. Add the two lines together and list the total on line three. Sign and return to the government with a check. Pretty simple.

• Studies indicate that women have reached true equality. They can be just as selfish and stupid as men can be.

***** And that's all the news that is unfit to print, but we did it anyway.