Gunsmoke-the Lost Episode

 

• Gunsmoke, the longest-running TV western (1955-1975), officially had 635 episodes. However, a long-lost show was recently discovered at the bottom of my sock drawer. You may ask how that could be. Well, Groucho Marx once shot an elephant in his pajamas. To this day, we have no idea how that elephant got into Groucho's pajamas. Some things remain a mystery.

The bewhiskered Festus rides into Dodge City on his trusty mule. He stops at the Long-Branch Saloon for a sandwich and a cold beer. He is greeted by the proprietor, Miss Kitty.

Kitty: “What are you having, stranger?”

Festus: “A cold tall beer and a sandwich, ma'am, and a couple beers for my mule.”

The tall and handsome Marshal Matt Dillon enters the saloon. Miss Kitty's eyes are riveted on him.

Festus: “Is he your man, Miss Kitty?”

Kitty: “I wish. What a hunk! However, he refuses to get romantically involved. Something about giving his full attention to the law.”

Festus: “He doesn't have a sweetheart?”

Kitty: “Well, unless he has a secret one, no. I've literally thrown myself at him, but he'd rather polish his badge than kiss me!

Dillon steps to the bar and orders a glass of milk. A bad guy dressed in black (not Johnny Cash) mocks the marshal.

Outlaw: “You're a sissy, Dillon! Real men drink whiskey, and plenty of it! I dare you to drink firewater with me!”

Dillon quietly drinks his milk.

Outlaw: “I'm calling you out, sissy. Draw!”

Dillon: “I'm tough enough to deal with you, bub.”

Outlaw: “Why do you think you're so tough?”

Dillon: “Because I drink my milk out of a dirty glass.”

Outlaw: “I meant no offense, Marshal. I was just kidding about a gunfight, sir.”

After Miss Kitty introduces Festus to Dillon, the marshal asks if he would be interested in a deputy's job.

Festus: “Well, I don't shoot too straight, I have anger issues, and I make stupid mistakes.”

Dillon: “That's okay. The only other candidate for the job, whose name was Barney something, had been a sheriff's deputy, but he was so dangerous with a gun that the sheriff only gave him one bullet at a time.”

Festus: “Then I'll take the job!”

Doc Adams enters the saloon and sits down with Festus and Dillon. The doctor and the new deputy take an instant dislike to each other.

Festus: “So, Doc, where did ya' get your medical training?”'

Doc Adams: “I learned on the job during the Civil War.”

Festus: “Is that why they call you Old Sawbones?”

Doc Adams: “Why, you grisly old nincompoop! Nobody calls me that!”

Festus: “Then, what was the main thing you learned during the war?”

Doc Adams: “I learned how to hold a patient down with my left arm while sawing off his arm or his leg with my right one. I've found that this technique keeps patients from coming in for simple or imaginary illnesses.”

Festus: “I think my mule has more sense than you do, Doc.”

Doc Adams: “You scoundrel! I'll cut off your limbs for free! Then we can call you Stumpy!”

Festus:” Matthew, since I'm new here and all, how about if I treat you to lunch? You could tell me all about Dodge.”

Dillon: “Sorry, Festus, but I have a date with the love of my life. These roses are for her.”

Miss Kitty hears the conversation. In anticipation, she quickly runs her fingers through her hair and chews on a breath mint.

To Kitty's surprise and dismay, Dillon walks past her table, exits the saloon, and heads for the stables. Upon reaching his horse, he presents her with the roses and then plants a big kiss upon her forehead.

Miss Kitty: “I wonder if that Barney Fife fellow is dating anyone?”

Mother-in-Law Jokes

 

• Mother-in-law stereotypes are not fair to the vast majority of women who hold that position. However, keeping that in mind, mother-in-law jokes are funny.

• “Just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.” Henny Youngman.

• “It's not that we didn't get along; it's just that my mother-in-law is very objective. She objected to everything I did.” Beverly D'Angelo.

• “I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for eighteen months. I don't like to interrupt her.” Ken Dodd.

• “Adam was the luckiest man in the world. He had no mother-in-law.” Mark Twain.

• “Have I got a mother-in-law. She's so neat, she puts paper under the cuckoo.” Henny Youngman.

• “My mother-in-law has come (a)round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in.” Les Dawson.

• “I told my mother-in-law, 'My house is your house.' So she sold it.” Henny Youngman.

• “The mother of a trophy wife is not automatically a trophy mother-in-law.” John Grisham.

• “I wanted to do something nice, so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.” Henny Youngman.

• “Behind every successful man is a proud wife and a surprised mother-in-law.” Hubert H. Humphrey.

• “My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed; I never knew they worked.” Les Dawson.

• “We were having tea with my mother-in-law the other day, and out of the blue she said,'I've decided I want to be cremated.' I said, 'Alright, get your coat.'” Dave Spikey.

• “Be kind to your mother-in-law, but pay for her board at some good hotel.” Josh Billings.

• “The only thing more intimidating than a huge international film star is your mother-in-law.” Benjamin Walker.

• “They (mothers-in-law) never leave when they say they will. When my mother-in-law visits, the mice throw themselves at the cat, begging to be eaten.” Lisa Kleypas.

• “I'm often accused of saying some pretty rotten things about my mother-in-law, but quite honestly, she's only got one major fault-it's called breathing.” Les Dawson.

• “A car is like a mother-in-law; if you let it, it will rule your life.” Jaime Lerner.

• “I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said, 'Keep her moving, sir; we're stock -taking.'” Les Dawson.

• “My wife is the kind of girl who will not go anywhere without her mother, and her mother will go anywhere.” John Barrymore.

• “Scrum is like your mother-in-law; it points out all your faults.” Ken Schwaber.

All about Baseball

 

Professional pitchers have thrown darts at batters for over 150 years. The National Association of Professional Baseball Players lasted from 1871 to 1875. The National League was formed in 1876, while the Junior Circuit, the American League, was established in 1901. The various Negro Leagues played from 1920 until 1951.

Miraculously, while billions of pitches have been fired toward home plate, only one batter has died after being “beaned” - hit in the head by a pitched ball. Tragically, on August 17, 1920, just 12 hours after being hit in the head by a pitch thrown by Carl Mays of the Yankees, Cleveland's Raymond Chapman died.

There had long been concern about the hitters' safety. In 1905, the first crude headgear was invented. It was described as looking like an “...inflatable boxing glove that wrapped around the hitter's head.”

In 1941, the Brooklyn Dodgers became the first team to require helmets for their batters. In 1956, the National League made helmets mandatory, but several players were “grandfathered' from the new rule.

Major League Baseball officially mandated plastic batting helmets in 1971. Bob Montgomery, a catcher who had been “grandfathered,” was the last Major Leaguer to play without a helmet. As a member of the Boston Red Sox, Montgomery made his last appearance on September 9, 1979. Instead of a helmet, he wore a plastic liner inside his cap.

During the 1934 World Series, a star pitcher, Dizzy Dean, joked that a beaning didn't do him any damage. “The doctors took X-rays of my head, “he said, “and found nothing.”

Jackie Robinson broke the color barrier in Major League Baseball when he made his debut on April 15, 1947, with the Brooklyn Dodgers. That year, he was named the National League Rookie of the Year. In 1949, he was the League's Most Valuable Player, leading all National League batters with an average of .342. For his career, Robinson stole 200 bases and hit .313.

In 1997, Robinson's number 42 as retired. On April 15th of each season, all managers, coaches, and players wear his number in tribute. In 1962, the great Jackie Robinson was inducted into baseball's Hall of Fame.

After Robinson began playing, there would be no return to the racist days of old. Two other Black men had previously played in the Major Leagues. Moses Fleetwood Walker played for the Toledo Blue Stockings in 1884. Evidently, William Edward White was the first Black player, having played one game for the Providence Grays in 1879. Sadly, he had to pretend to be white to get into the game.

Babe Ruth would never have dreamed this, but in 2026, baseball has an automated ball-strike challenge. The data proves that umpires are not blind, as many fans have screamed over the years, but it's proof that the men in blue are not perfect. During the first four days of the season, there were 124 challenges, with 67 of them overturned (54%). Evidently, catchers know the strike zone better than the hitters do. Catchers had 64% of their challenges upheld.

Imagine that a mad scientist has sent you back to the year 1876, but there is no way to get back to the present. Therefore, you might as well buy a straw hat and attend some games from the National League's initial season. Pick a team to follow: Boston Red Stockings, Chicago White Stockings, Cincinnati Red Stockings, Hartford Dark Blues, Louisville Grays, Mutual of New York (also called the Green Stockings), Philadelphia Athletics, and the St. Louis Brown Stockings.

My wife noticed that many early teams had nicknames referring to their socks. Looking at my feet, she wanted to know if I was the manager of the Dirty Socks or perhaps the Holy Socks. Then she decided I was the owner of the Stinky Socks. Sadly, she has no reverence for baseball's history!