Mother-in-Law Jokes and Other Goofy Stuff

 

• My three-year-old grandson has been taught to call me Gramps. Evidently, the little guy is a good judge of character. He calls me “Grump.”

• Three years ago my friend married a gal he called “Miss Right.” Only later did he learn that her first name was “Always.”

• The most important words for a husband to learn: “Yes, dear” and “I'm Sorry.”

• A recent study indicates that marriage is the chief cause for divorce.

• My wife thinks I should be royalty. She often wants to crown me.

• She has given me a royal title that refers to my love of hamburgers: “Sirloin of Beef.”

• A friend of mine said I was two-faced. I ask you, if I had another face, would I be wearing this one?

• My wife told me I don't talk to her anymore. It's just that I don't want to interrupt her.

• My mother-in-law has a photograph of me hanging on her living room wall. It's attached to a dart board.

• Insanity is inherited. We get it from our children.

• The army prefers married men. They are already trained to take orders.

• Little green men hovered over Washington, D. C. in their flying saucer. They reported to their home planet that no intelligent life forms were found there.

• I tried to make peace with my mother-in-law. She was willing to bury the hatchet-right through my skull!

• My wife says we men are simply overgrown boys. I've had it. One more crack like that and I will kick her out of my fort.

• I've found the secret to happiness: Quit watching the nightly news. Instead, watch old Laurel and Hardy flicks.

• When my wife came home from shopping, she told me her car's carburetor had water in it. “How do you know?” I asked. “Because the car's in the river below our house,” she replied.

• There is at least one good thing about having a face like mine: I never have to buy a Halloween mask.

• Knowing that I'm interested in outer space, my mother-in-law raised money to pay for me to go to the moon. Only later did I learn that the ticket was one-way.

• Once I had a try-out to play center field for the Yankees. Only three minor factors kept me from getting the job. I couldn't hit, throw, or run. On the other hand, I looked great in pinstripes.

• In a fair world, Elvis would still be living, and all his imitators would be dead.

• Women have argued that if given a chance, they could do as well in Congress as the men do. Unfortunately, this has proven to be true.

* When I tried out for the movies, the director told me I had more of a face for radio.