An Attempt to Brighten Your Day

• What did the horse say after it tripped? “Help! I've fallen and I can't giddy up!”

• What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.

• What did the duck say to the clerk when she bought lipstick? “Put it on my bill.”

• You know you're getting old when, after doing nothing all day, you still need a nap to continue doing nothing.

• What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.

• Where do pirates get their hooks? At second-hand shops.

• What did one hat say to the other? “You stay here; I'll go on a head.”

• Why did the golfer take an extra pair of socks to the course? In case he got a hole-in-one.

• My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline. She hit the ceiling!

• I'm terrified of elevators, so I'm taking steps to avoid them.

• After the man who created the hockey pokey died, it took a while to get the body into the casket. They put his right foot in, they took his right foot out...

• Cats live lives of snacks, naps, and hissy-fits. Cats are my kind of people.

• What do you call a duck that gets good grades? A wise quacker.

• My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

• I wish my wife had not taught our dog to read. Now he takes forever to go to the bathroom.

• I child-proofed my house, but somehow they still got in.

• What did the limestone say to the geologist? “Don't take me for granite!”

• Why do birds fly south in the winter? Because it's faster than walking.

• They say money talks, but   mine only says, “Goodbye!”

• Why do the French eat snails? They don't like fast food.

• Why was Cinderella so bad at soccer? Because she kept running away from the ball.

• Every cat deserves a home, but not every home deserves a cat.

• I'm not completely useless. I can always be used as a bad example.

• Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

• I used to have a job at a calendar factory, but I got the sack because I took a couple days off.

• Thought for the day: “You can observe a lot by just watching.” Yogi Berra.