Deep (?) Thoughts

*The fact that there's a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers!

*Why do cows refuse to join the police department? Because they won't go on “steak-outs.”

*This morning I saw my neighbor talking to her cat. She actually believed the cat understood her! Later, I told my dog about this episode. We had a good laugh together.

*I used to watch The Wizard of Oz and wonder how someone could talk if they didn't have a brain. Then I got on Social Media.

*Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay they would be “bagels.”

*I miss the good old days when you could have an opinion without offending someone!

*Things that tell the truth: small children, drunk people, and yoga pants.

*Don't be mad at lazy people. They didn't do anything.

*When I was young I hoped I'd wake up beautiful. Now I'm just happy to wake up!

*Helping one person might not change the world, but it could change the world for one person.

*I've decided to avoid everything that makes me look fat: pictures, mirrors, scales, etc.

*Tips for women: 1. Meeting a man who helps you around the house and has a good job is important. 2. Find a man who makes you laugh. 3. Meet a man who is honest and responsible. 4. Find a man who will love and spoil you. 5. Make certain these four men don't know each other!

*A guy fell into an upholstery machine. He's now fully recovered.

*Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants to the course? In case he got a hole-in-one.

*Confidence is knowing you're not everyone's cup of tea but that doesn't bother you.

*Do not think of ourselves as senior citizens. Think of us as “recycled teenagers.”

*The policeman pulled me over and said, “Papers.” I replied: “Scissors! I win!” Then I drove away. Evidently, he wants a rematch; he's been chasing me for half an hour.

*It's more important that you've sat with the broken than to have stood with the great.

*Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys.

*My wife said I should put manure on my strawberries. I tried it, but I'm going back to sugar and cream.

*A man's age doesn't make him grown. His priorities do.

*I was booted from the coffee club because I was wearing a tee shirt.

*I was so excited about my garden that I wet my plants.

THAT'S ALL, FOLKS!