Dear Gabby

 

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Dear Gabby: My wife has left me, and she took our dog with her. What shall I do?

I am so sorry for your tragic loss. A good dog is hard to replace. Perhaps, in time, you will recover to the point that your heart will be open to getting another one.

Dear Gabby: Every night I watch several news programs. Often, the politicians contradict one another. How can I tell when they're not being truthful?

Scientists have discovered a foolproof way to find out when politicians are lying. It's whenever they open their mouths.

Dear Gabby: I have horrible halotosis. I've tried every product on the market but to no avail. What can I do?

Learn to live with it. Remember, bad breath is better than no breath at all (then you would be dead.)

Dear Gabby: My wife calls me stupid nicknames. I hate them all. What should I do?

As long as she calls you for supper, don't worry about it.

Dear Gabby: My wife insists that I drive her mother to the senior center each day. How can I do this without losing my mind?

Perhaps you can find an old car that has a “rumble seat.”

Dear Gabby: I love popcorn, but my doctor has ordered me to eat no more than one bowl per day. That's not enough for me. Any suggestions?

Buy a larger bowl.

Dear Gabby: After years of back-breaking work, I purchased a coalmine and made a fortune. Now my wife wants a divorce. How much of my fortune do you think the judge will give her? What can I expect to keep?

If he/she is like most judges, she'll get the mine and you will get the shaft.

Dear Gabby: My wife says I'm two-faced. How should I respond?

Say to her: “Take a good look at me. If I had a second face, do you think I'd be wearing this one?”

Dear Gabby: I work with a guy who is a complete know-it-all jerk. What would you call such a person?

Boss.

Dear Gabby: When I met my future wife, I felt she was “Miss Right.” Now, three years later, I'm miserable. What could have gone wrong?

You did not realize her first name was “Always.”

Dear Gabby: My wife took me to a department store while she shopped for a new dress. After coming out of the dressing room, she asked if the outfit made her backside look big. Being honest, I answered in the affirmative. Now she won't talk to me. Where did I go wrong?

You went wrong by being truthful. If there is a Mrs. God, even He would fudge the truth in such a case. At times, honesty is not the best policy.

Dear Gabby: My wife was upset because she baked what she described as her worst bannana cream pie ever. Trying to help, I told her by far it was not her worst one. Then she smacked me in the face with the pie. Where did I go wrong?

You went wrong when you opened your pie-hole (mouth).

Dear Gabby: My friend told me that I'm better at bowling than I am at golf. I don't agree. What could be his reasoning?

Perhaps you lose fewer balls during a game of bowling than you do during a game of golf.

Dear Gabby: Do you believe in cow-tipping?

Absolutely. If she gives good service, give her a good tip. The same goes for pigs, chickens, goats, etc.