Battle of the Sexes

• Why are dumb blonde jokes one-liners? So men can remember them.

• What did the blonde say when the doctor told her she was pregnant? “I wonder if it's mine.”

• What do you give a man who has everything? Penicillin.

• Men don't make mistakes; they date them.

• Why can't men get Mad Cow Disease? Because they're all pigs.

• When a lady entered her favorite pizzeria, she was asked if she wanted her usual large pizza cut into twelve pieces. “No,” she replied. “I'm not very hungry tonight, so cut it into six pieces.”

• How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

• A guy asked his girlfriend to check if his right front directional signal was working. She replied: “Yes, no, yes, no...”

• What's the difference between government bonds and men? Government bonds eventually mature.

• Bill taught his wife all about housekeeping. After their divorce, she kept the house (and almost everything else).

• How is a man like the weather? Nothing can be done to change either of them.

• How do you keep a woman busy for hours? Write “turn over” on both sides of a piece of paper.

• If a man and a woman jumped off a high building at the same time, which one would land first? The woman, the guy would get lost on the way down.

• My friend Joe is getting a divorce. “When you married her, you called her 'Miss Right,' “ I reminded him. “I didn't know her first name was 'Always,'” he replied.

• Why does psychoanalysis take less time for men than it does for women? It takes men little time to get back to their childhoods.

• There are two times in life when a man cannot understand a woman: before marriage and after marriage.

• What do you call a man with half a brain? Gifted.

• A lady was so proud of herself for putting together a puzzle in one day, while the box said 2-4 years.

• Where can you find a committed man? In a mental institution.

• Women and cats do what they want. Men and dogs have to get used to this fact.

• What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.

• Joe took his girlfriend to a football game. Before the end of the first half, she asked why the fans were so concerned about a coin. “A coin?” he asked. “Yes,” she replied. “They keep chanting, 'Get the quarter back!'"

• Why are men like commercials? You can't believe a word they say.