Waiting at the Doctor's Office

 Waiting at the Doctor’s Office

A few days ago, I made an appointment to see my doctor. The receptionist suggested that I eat nothing on the day of the appointment until I was seen by the doctor, just in case he wanted to do some blood tests. So the night before, I enjoyed a big meal and prepared myself mentally for the next day’s “starvation.”

The wait in the outer office was only about ten minutes, which was quite tolerable. In the examination room, the nurse checked my blood pressure and pulse rate, and then asked a few general questions. Then she informed me that the doctor would see me soon and exited the room.

She left me one of those gowns that leave one’s backside exposed. So there I sat, with goose bumps on my posterior, waiting for the doctor to arrive. For some unknown reason, the gowns are made in such a fashion that one has to reach behind his back to tie the strings, but unfortunately, I’m not very good with that maneuver.

The first fifteen minutes, I played a baseball game in my mind, but after the Yankees took a ten-run lead, I lost interest. No magazines were available, but there were several brochures about the room. For the next twenty minutes or so, I learned a great deal about constipation, diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease, and cancer as well as other assorted medical problems. Of course, after reading the brochures, I began thinking that I might be suffering from all these diseases. No wonder the doctor wanted to see me!

Next, just for something to do, I recalled several “doctor” jokes:

“The doctor promised that he’d have me on my feet in a week,” the old man said. “Did he keep that promise?” the man’s friend asked. “He sure did. I had to sell my car to pay the doctor’s bill!”

A middle-aged man recently had surgery on both hands. He asked the doctor if, after healing, he would be able to play the piano. “Of course you will,” the doctor assured him. “That’s great!” the patient exclaimed. “I couldn’t play any musical instrument before the surgery.”

An elderly, somewhat deaf lady was being examined by the doctor. Placing the stethoscope on her chest, the doctor said, “Big breaths.” “Well, they were many years ago,” the patient replied.

A young man felt intellectually inferior to all his friends and acquaintances. Going to the doctor, the distraught man said, “Doc, I feel really stupid. Is there anything you can do for me?” The doctor replied, “Take one of these orange pills each morning and see me in a month.” By the end of the month, the poor guy still felt stupid, so he went back to see the doctor. The doctor gave him some purple pills and told the patient to see him when the pills were gone. At the end of the month, the young man saw no progress, so the doctor gave him a supply of giant green pills. A month later, the man stormed into the doctor’s office. Grabbing the physician by the throat, he exclaimed, “I think your pills are worthless! You just gave them to me to make money!” “Now you’re getting smart!“ the doctor said.

After forty-five minutes of waiting, I was bored, but most of all, I was hungry. My stomach began to growl as I obsessed about cheeseburgers, French fries, pizza, and hot dogs. How long could a person go without food? I’d not eaten anything for over eighteen hours, so surely I was at death’s door.

The doctor cannot be blamed for this long wait. It’s not as if he’d been sitting in the next room watching TV or taking a nap on one of the exam tables. No doubt one of his patients just took more time to deal with than the doc had expected..

I’ve already learned everything that I want to know about various medical problems, so I don’t need to read any more brochures. On the next visit, I’ll bring a book.

It was just a few minutes short of an hour’s wait before the doctor came into the room. After apologizing for making me wait so long, he asked a few questions, looked at a chart, and told me to continue doing what I had been doing for the last few months. While walking out the door, he stated that he’d see me in six months. Our session lasted somewhere between three and four minutes.

After making the appointment for my next visit, I rushed to my automobile. No doubt using the last ounce of energy left in my ravaged body, I grabbed a bag of potato chips from the passenger seat of the car. Within two minutes, I had devoured every tasty morsel. Hey, high cholesterol trumps starvation any time!