My Teachers Used the Lumber

It's been many years since I attended public schools. When I was a senior, there were still a few dinosaurs roaming here and there. So, since I'm old, I have earned the right to begin this story with that well-worn phrase-” Back in my day.” The teachers of my era ran the show. A student's job was simply to follow his or her orders. If a young person chose not to do so, the “lumber”- a well-constructed paddle- would be put to good use.

Some of the teachers actually made their own paddles. The mechanical drawing teacher, in particular, was an expert craftsman. He knew just how many holes drilled into the weapon would give the maximum effect, that is, the most pain. Some of the female teachers would administer corporal punishment, but usually they would call upon male instructors to inflict the pain.

During the first class of the year, the aforementioned mechanical drawing teacher started us on a simple drawing before proceeding to call students one at a time out to the hallway. His speech began: “Now, if you do what I tell you to do, we'll get along just fine, but if you choose otherwise, you'll meet up with this paddle.”

It was a thing of beauty, with an extra-long handle to increase speed. The air swooshing through the paddle's multiple holes made a rather majestic sound just before the wood met the posterior. Before returning to class, the student would have to lean against the wall so that he could receive a “love tap,” a sample of what awaited any young man who was stupid enough to defy the man in charge. Luckily, I was never that stupid!

One day at lunchtime, while two young men were playing pool, the physical education teacher walked by, sporting his “old man's” hat, the kind you see detectives wear in 1940s era movies. Being boys, they made a few funny remarks about the coach's derby. In response, the ticked-off instructor went to his office, grabbed his trusty paddle, and then administered his form of justice.

Later that same coach was holding football practice in the small gym because of lightning storms. After working at stations for a half hour or so, he had us gather around so that he could impart important information: “Now boys, when you block an opponent, you must get into a lower stance...blah, blah, blah....”

Evidently, two of the players didn't think the coach's information was all that important because they were carrying on their own discussion. Soon, the coach was in their faces: “Boys, when I talk, you listen!” Then we resumed the drills.

About thirty minutes later, he halted the drills once again, and once again he began imparting his wisdom to us. And once again, those two boys were gabbing away, oblivious to any of the coach's remarks. Coming up behind them, the coach sprang into action, fiercely cracking their heads together. Fortunately, they were wearing their helmets. Like a thunderclap, the noise reverberated around the gym. Everyone paid attention during the rest of the workout.

Old teachers never die; they just get erased. Many years later, my brother-in-law attended his high school reunion. To his surprise, the get-together was attended by one of his former physical education instructors. The old gentleman brought with him a mystery object wrapped neatly inside a box.

After the meal, the old teacher spoke: “Many years ago, when you were students at this school, I had a problem one day during health class. Every time I'd turn to write on the board, someone would hit me with a spitball. Nobody would tell me who did it, well, not until today.”

Then the old coach called up a middle-aged man who had been fingered as the culprit from those many years ago. Inside the box was a brand-new paddle made explicitly for this occasion. After the culprit leaned against the wall, the old teacher showed that he still had some energy to put behind his swing.

Once he was finished, the coach replied: “Justice delayed is still justice served.”

Wow! Our teachers were so good that they would never let a crime go unpunished, even if it took 40 years to serve old-fashioned justice by means of a slab of lumber.