Church Bulletin Blunders

• “The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric GIRDLES for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.” (Gas-powered girdles are not good for the environment.)

• “This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.” (I hope Mrs. Lewis is a chicken!)

• “Next Thursday, there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.”

• “Illiterate? Write to the church for help.” (That would be a miracle.)

• “The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, 'Break Forth in Joy.'”

• “This afternoon, there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.” (Well, that should cover it.)

• “Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.” (Please, don't give my wife any such ideas.)

• “The 'Over 60s Choir' will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church.”

• “The church is glad to have with us our guest minister, the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the services, we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.” (That's a tough church at which to preach. I hope they pay above standard wages.)

• “Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our Church and community.”

• “The class on prophecy has been canceled due to unforeseen circumstances.”

• “For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.”

• “The associate minister unveiled the church's campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I upped my pledge-Up yours!'”

• “Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p. m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.” (Nothing like rubbing it in.)

• “Tuesday at 4 p. m., there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk, please come early.” (Are cows welcome?)

• “Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.” (I would pay to hear that!)

• “The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys SINNING to join the choir.”

• “Ushers will SWAT the latecomers.”

• “The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.” (That's one way to increase attendance-at least male attendance!)

• “At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be, 'What is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.”

• “Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.”