Some Things to Think About

 

• I tried out for the lead in a major motion picture. The director suggested I have more of a face for radio.

• Last night my wife said I don't pay any attention to her. Well, I think that's what she said.

• Don't give up your dreams-go back to bed!

• “Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.” Oscar Wilde.

• Today's moms:” I can see you're upset. Take a deep breath and use your words.” My mom: “You'd better stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about.”

• “Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” Robin Williams.

• A wise man once told his wife nothing because he was a wise man.

• “All you need is love, but a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.” Charles M. Schultz.

• One of the most terrifying times in life is when you're at someone's house and the toilet will not flush.

• “Halloween is the beginning of the holiday season. That's for women. The beginning of the holiday season for men is Christmas Eve.” David Letterman.

• I am not fat; I am just so sexy it overflows.

• You know you're getting old when you barely do anything all day, but still need a nap so you can continue doing barely anything.

• “I never forget a face, but I'll be glad to make an exception in your case.” Groucho Marx.

• Folgers has it wrong. The best part of waking up is going back to sleep after using the bathroom.

• What does an anteater take for an upset stomach? An “ant-acid.”

• “Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” Isaac Asimov.

• “I always cook with wine; sometimes I even add it to the food.” W. C. Fields.

• Why do we have enough asphalt to make sped bumps but not enough to fill potholes?

• “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?” George Carlin.

• I've never tried yoga, but I have tried bending over to pick up my car keys, so I'm pretty sure I'd hate yoga.

• “I'm at a place in my life when errands are starting to count as going out.” Anonymous.

• “I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.” Les Dawson.

• “If you come to the fork in the road, take it.” Yogi Berra.

• THAT'S ALL, FOLKS!