Funny Business

• When you're down by the sea and an eel bites your knee that's a moray.

• I think we should stop killing buffaloes for their wings!

• Don't tell your secrets in the garden. The potatoes have eyes, the corn has ears, and the beanstalk.

• A cat's song: “Mess up the song, you're the piano cat! Walk on the keys today! When the human is playing a melody, it's your job to get in the way!”

• I'm inspired to get out of bed every day, mostly because of my bladder.

• Everyone talks about leaving a better planet for our children. Why doesn't anyone try to leave better children for our planet?

• So after winning the game, I decided to throw the ball into the crowd, just like they do on TV. Apparently, it's unacceptable in bowling.

• What happens when you eat alphabet soup? You begin to have a vowel movement.

• Nothing tops a plain pizza!

• My dog was so happy when I brought a Christmas tree into the house. He sees it as indoor plumbing.

• My wife said to me: “I think you need a hearing test!” I replied: “Why would I need a hairy chest?”

• Oh my gosh! If olive oil is made from olives, from what is baby oil made?

• Do you know why the pony couldn't sing? He was a little horse.

• I want to lose weight but I don't want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.

• I like my candy in mint condition.

• If you're having second thoughts you are two ahead of most people.

• What does a chicken with hiccups lay? Scrambled eggs.

• My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. “What's on TV?” she asked. I replied: “Dust.” That's when the fight began...

• Kitchen remodelers are counter-productive.

• I put a dart board on the ceiling. It made me throw up.

• No matter how far you push the envelope, it remains stationary.

• I have learned from my mistakes, so I've decided to make more mistakes so I can learn more.

• The chicken went to the gym to work on his pecks.

• Some days I feel like I'm surrounded by idiots. Other days I realize it's not just some days.