When I Decided Santa Was a Fraud

Until about the age of six, I believed everything my parents told me. When, for example, they informed me about a special rabbit that would lay colored eggs and then somehow distribute them worldwide, I was all in. However, eventually, I began to question their entire Santa Claus story.

I was told Santa lands on your rooftop and then slides down the chimney. We had no chimney, just a tiny exhaust pipe that even a fat snake couldn't get through. Moreover, on those Christmas mornings when there was snow on the roof, there were never any sleigh or reindeer tracks.

Dad said since we had no chimney, he left the front door unlocked for the Jolly Old Elf. But again, on snowy days there was no evidence that Santa or anyone else had “parked” in our front yard.

Just like clockwork, after Thanksgiving Mom reminded me that Santa's elves would be keeping watch over me to make certain I was a “good boy,” deserving of gifts other than coal. Eventually, I suspected this was simply a way to force me to clean up my act.

I worked hard to behave, and I must say, coal was never left in my stocking, but my sisters never received coal, either, and right up to Christmas Day they continued to be their normal evil selves (Any of you guys who have older sisters will understand. By the way, it's amazing how they turned into wonderful adults!)

Although I drastically improved my behavior in the days leading up to Christmas, still I was no angel. A few weeks before the big holiday, Dad would buy the most wonderful chocolates and place them under the tree. Unbeknownst to him, I developed the ability to unwrap the box, help myself to a few goodies, rearrange the remaining chocolates, and then expertly re-wrap the package. If those elves were doing their job, then certainly they would have reported these misdeeds to their boss, and as a result, my stocking would have been filled with coal.

Santa certainly was not a progressive, for he was not concerned about equality when it came to passing out gifts. Sometimes each of us kids would get one toy apiece, while at other times we had to share one toy or game. On the other hand, my best friend usually received more neat stuff than my three siblings and I put together. Was Santa a capitalist pig? This inquiring mind wanted to know.

Furthermore, the toys we received were supposed to have been made by Santa's elves, yet often they had printed on them the names of well-known manufacturers. Did Santa own those companies?

My folks said there was only one Santa Claus, yet just about every department store had its own. Some of them were fat, but a few definitely had pillows under their red coats. Even more disheartening, many of these department store Santa Clauses wore fake beards! I began thinking if my parents had been related to Pinocchio they would have had very long noses!

Yet, there was still some doubt in my mind. Usually when Dad or Mom said something, it turned out to be true. For example, if one was crying, Dad would bellow: “Stop that crying or I'll give you something to cry about!” He could and he did.

Mom and Dad left such treats as cookies and candy for Santa to eat while he was delivering presents to our house. Was it a coincidence that the goodies just happened to be Dad's favorites? I think not.

The piece of evidence that broke the camel's back, so to speak, occurred one evening after school. Mom told me the Santa on our local TV channel was going to announce the names of more local kids who had made his “good list.” Through some miracle, I had made it (So had my sisters, so I should have smelled a rat right there).

Grabbing a cookie and a glass of milk, I planted myself on the sofa and watched as Santa began reading the list. I was on it but the Jolly Old Elf badly mispronounced my surname!

That fat old man evidently had thousands of elves serving as his spies, watching everything we little kids did. They knew if I was naughty or nice, but had no idea how to pronounce my name? At that point, I knew for certain Santa was a fake! Now I'm beginning to wonder about that Easter Bunny!