The No-Frills Airline

 Against my better judgment, I decided to save a few bucks by flying on No Frills Airlines. The flight from New York City to San Francisco was almost $300 cheaper than that offered by any other airline. That was the good news. The bad news was that usually you get what you pay for.

As I stood in line at the ticket counter, the person in front had a request: “I would like you to send my blue suitcase to Los Angeles and my red one to Miami.”

“Sir, we couldn’t do that,” the airline representative replied.

“Why not?” the customer asked. “You did it on my trip to Dallas last year.”

The next customer approached the ticket agent. “Do you have reservations?” asked the young lady at the desk.

“Of course I have reservations about flying on this crummy airline, but I’ve gone through half a pint of whiskey to get up enough courage.”

Once at the front of the line, I bought a ticket and turned over my luggage. Oddly, although it was the middle of June, there was mistletoe hanging over the baggage counter. “Why do you have mistletoe hanging there?” I inquired.

“That’s so you can kiss your luggage goodbye,” was the ticket agent’s reply.

I paid a few extra bucks to fly first class because I do enjoy luxury. Before boarding, however, I was asked to turn the propeller while the co-pilot shooed several cows, pigs, and goats from the runway.

Once all were aboard, the head stewardess began speaking through a megaphone so that she could be heard (I told you this was a no-frills airline). She said, “As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position.” She continued: “Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in case of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments. If such an event occurs, an additional twenty dollars will be added to your bill.”

Then the second stewardess took over: “There may be fifty ways to leave your lover, but notice that there are only four ways to leave this airplane. Smoking in the restrooms is prohibited. Any person caught smoking will be asked to leave the plane immediately. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Simply grab your mask and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your own mask before assisting the little one. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.”

While still in the airport, I had spotted the three pilots for this flight. I swear that the youngest of the group was at least ninety-five years old. The first pilot commented: “It’s windy today, isn’t it?”

The second one replied, “No, I think it’s Thursday.”

Then the third one spoke up: “I’m thirsty, too. Let’s have a beer before we try to fly this old tub.”

Once we were airborne, the captain spoke: “Welcome to Flight 128 from New York to San Francisco. The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax and….Oh no!”

A few minutes later, the captain once again spoke. He explained that while he was talking, a flight attendant accidentally spilled hot coffee onto his lap. ”You should see the front of my pants,” mused the pilot.

A gentleman sitting behind me said to no one in particular, “ You should see the back of mine!”

The pilot continued: “No Frills Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them is on this flight.”

After about an hour into the flight, a stewardess asked each passenger in first class if he or she would like the deluxe meal. Ravished, I answered in the affirmative. About ten minutes later, I was handed a baloney sandwich, a bag of potato chips, and a bottle of pop. “This is the deluxe meal?” I asked.

“It sure is, bub,” said the flight attendant closest to me. “You can count yourself lucky not to be in coach. Those folks can choose either bread and water or gruel.”

“Bread and water or gruel?” I asked. “That’s awful.”

“They’re getting the same accommodations that the folks in steerage got on the Titanic. You get what you pay for.”

One nervous lady spoke to a flight attendant: “The pilot will bring me down safely, won’t he?”

The stewardess answered: “He hasn’t left anybody up here yet.”

Eventually, we were ready to land in San Francisco. To say that we had a rough landing is an understatement. Despite being roped to our seats (remember, this was a no-frills airline), we bounced around like ten pins. One poor lady ended up three rows from her assigned seat. Then the head flight attendant spoke: “Please remain in your seats with your ropes fastened while the captain taxis what’s left of the airplane to the gate. Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d like to have. Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as heck, everything has shifted. The next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of us here at No Frills Airlines. Thank you for giving us the business while we took you for a ride.”

As we departed, the three pilots stood at the exit to say goodbye. I heard one of them say, “That was the shortest runway I’ve ever landed on.”

The second pilot replied: “Yeah, but it was also the widest.”

Before exiting the plane, a lady asked the pilots if that was a normal landing or if we had been shot down. The passengers pushed and shoved one another in an effort to quickly exit. The head attendant had announced that the last person off had to stay and clean the plane.

After three wonderful days in San Francisco, I had a safe and serene trip home. I took a train.