Gunsmoke-the Lost Episode

 

• Gunsmoke, the longest-running TV western (1955-1975), officially had 635 episodes. However, a long-lost show was recently discovered at the bottom of my sock drawer. You may ask how that could be. Well, Groucho Marx once shot an elephant in his pajamas. To this day, we have no idea how that elephant got into Groucho's pajamas. Some things remain a mystery.

The bewhiskered Festus rides into Dodge City on his trusty mule. He stops at the Long-Branch Saloon for a sandwich and a cold beer. He is greeted by the proprietor, Miss Kitty.

Kitty: “What are you having, stranger?”

Festus: “A cold tall beer and a sandwich, ma'am, and a couple beers for my mule.”

The tall and handsome Marshal Matt Dillon enters the saloon. Miss Kitty's eyes are riveted on him.

Festus: “Is he your man, Miss Kitty?”

Kitty: “I wish. What a hunk! However, he refuses to get romantically involved. Something about giving his full attention to the law.”

Festus: “He doesn't have a sweetheart?”

Kitty: “Well, unless he has a secret one, no. I've literally thrown myself at him, but he'd rather polish his badge than kiss me!

Dillon steps to the bar and orders a glass of milk. A bad guy dressed in black (not Johnny Cash) mocks the marshal.

Outlaw: “You're a sissy, Dillon! Real men drink whiskey, and plenty of it! I dare you to drink firewater with me!”

Dillon quietly drinks his milk.

Outlaw: “I'm calling you out, sissy. Draw!”

Dillon: “I'm tough enough to deal with you, bub.”

Outlaw: “Why do you think you're so tough?”

Dillon: “Because I drink my milk out of a dirty glass.”

Outlaw: “I meant no offense, Marshal. I was just kidding about a gunfight, sir.”

After Miss Kitty introduces Festus to Dillon, the marshal asks if he would be interested in a deputy's job.

Festus: “Well, I don't shoot too straight, I have anger issues, and I make stupid mistakes.”

Dillon: “That's okay. The only other candidate for the job, whose name was Barney something, had been a sheriff's deputy, but he was so dangerous with a gun that the sheriff only gave him one bullet at a time.”

Festus: “Then I'll take the job!”

Doc Adams enters the saloon and sits down with Festus and Dillon. The doctor and the new deputy take an instant dislike to each other.

Festus: “So, Doc, where did ya' get your medical training?”'

Doc Adams: “I learned on the job during the Civil War.”

Festus: “Is that why they call you Old Sawbones?”

Doc Adams: “Why, you grisly old nincompoop! Nobody calls me that!”

Festus: “Then, what was the main thing you learned during the war?”

Doc Adams: “I learned how to hold a patient down with my left arm while sawing off his arm or his leg with my right one. I've found that this technique keeps patients from coming in for simple or imaginary illnesses.”

Festus: “I think my mule has more sense than you do, Doc.”

Doc Adams: “You scoundrel! I'll cut off your limbs for free! Then we can call you Stumpy!”

Festus:” Matthew, since I'm new here and all, how about if I treat you to lunch? You could tell me all about Dodge.”

Dillon: “Sorry, Festus, but I have a date with the love of my life. These roses are for her.”

Miss Kitty hears the conversation. In anticipation, she quickly runs her fingers through her hair and chews on a breath mint.

To Kitty's surprise and dismay, Dillon walks past her table, exits the saloon, and heads for the stables. Upon reaching his horse, he presents her with the roses and then plants a big kiss upon her forehead.

Miss Kitty: “I wonder if that Barney Fife fellow is dating anyone?”