You are getting old if...

 You are getting old if...

• happy hour is your nap time.

• the fire warden limits the number of candles on your birthday cake.

• you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.

• your children look middle-aged.

• Depends have replaced Speedos.

• your mind makes contracts that your body can't keep.

• you feel like the morning after, but you haven't been anywhere.

• when walking, your feet make the same sounds as a bowl of Rice Krispies.

• when hiking, vultures follow you

  .

* you sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.

* you need a GPS that tells you where you're going and why you're going there.

• you're afraid to visit a museum because they might not let you leave.

• the candles on your cake cost more than the cake.

• your knees buckle, but your belt won't.

• most of your underwear is older than your doctors.

• it takes twice as long to look half as good.

• the only females who pursue you are mosquitoes.

• your back goes out more than you do.

• people say, “You look good for your age.”

• your idea of spending a night out is sitting on the patio.

• there is nothing left to learn the hard way.

• it takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

• someone admires your turtleneck sweater, and then you realize you're not wearing one!

• the only place you hear your favorite songs is in an elevator.

• Your grandson asks if you voted for Lincoln. You say “yes.”

* Age is simply mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter!

I've Learned a Few Things

 

Throughout the years, I've learned a few things:

• When you make a mistake, treat yourself as you would treat another person who had committed the same goof-up. Often, we are more critical of ourselves than we are of other folks.

• Simply stay away from anyone who consistently treats you disrespectfully. Life is too short to spend precious time around somebody who is always putting you down.

• Don't do something just to get praise or awards. Do something because it's the right thing to do.

• Recognize when you accomplish something and praise yourself; don't worry about recognition from others. When that happens, fine, but don't make external recognition all that important.

• Be a good listener. Let the other person finish their thoughts before you speak.

• Remember that in God's eyes, you are important, but you are no more important than the rest of His “lambs.”

• Work hard at your occupation, but don't let it consume your entire life.

• Do not have blind total loyalty to your employers. Most of them would fire you in a New York minute if that would save them a buck.

• Be caring and polite to the people you do not have to be caring and polite.

• No matter our skin color, our sexual orientation, or our wealth (or lack thereof), we are all children of God.

• Make the time to spend with your spouse, children, and friends. After you work yourself half to death, the company will not have a statue made in your likeness. Nor will it rename the company headquarters in your name.

• If you have a spouse or a significant other, always treat them as equal partners.

• Don't watch more than two hours of news per night; otherwise, your brain could turn to mush.

• Find an interesting hobby that you can do all by yourself whenever family and friends are busy doing other things.

• Serve others. It's good for them, and it's good for you, too.

• Don't get stuck in a rut. Occasionally, try new things.

• If you have a spouse or significant other, at least once a day, tell them that you love them, and mean it.

• At least once a week, forget about all the negative stuff. Instead, count your blessings, you lucky stiff!

• Remember that there is SOMEONE bigger than you and me.

• When you need to, criticize your nation, but never stop loving it.

• If your wife asks if a certain outfit makes her backside look big, the answer is always NO!

* This might be the most important lesson of all: Never eat the yellow snow.

Quotes about Relationships

 

• “Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.” Henny Youngman.

• “The best thing to hold onto in life is each other.” Audrey Hepburn.

• “Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.” Erma Bombeck.

• “A perfect marriage is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.” Unknown.

• “A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.” Milton Berle.

• “A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.” Mignon McLaughlin.

• “My husband and I have never considered divorce...murder sometimes, but never divorce.” Joyce Brothers.

• “We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” Henny Youngman.

• “Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” Phyllis Diller.

• “Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.” Benjamin Franklin.

• “Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.” Groucho Marx.

• “Never marry the one you can live with; marry the one you cannot live without.”' Unknown.

• “Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

• “I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy the rest of your life.” Rita Rudner.

• “I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” Groucho Marx.

• “A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.” Ruth Graham.

• “All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” Red Skelton.

• “Don't ever stop dating your wife and don't ever stop flirting with your husband.” Unknown.

• “My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day, she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.” Rodney Dangerfield.

• “People are always asking couples where marriage has endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.” Erma Bombeck.

  * “To get the full value of joy, you must have someone to divide it with.” Mark Twain.

• “We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations-we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.” Rodney Dangerfield.

• “Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.” Mae West.