A Football Fanatic

 

“Fred, supper’s ready,” yelled his wife Sue from the kitchen. “We’re having spaghetti and meatballs.”

“The Central-Smith game begins in five minutes. I can’t miss the kickoff.”

“We’ll hurry, dear, but it’s important that the family takes time to eat together,” she replied.

Under his breath, Fred grumbled, “It’s important that I see my Central Bulldogs squash those idiotic Titans.”

“As head of the family, it’s your place to say a prayer,” stated Sue.

“Dear Lord, please fire up the Bulldogs. Make them stronger, faster, and more ferocious. Give them the strength to pulverize our enemies. Please give Coach Jones the wisdom to open up his offense and give those nincompoops from the North the beating of their lives. And thank you, Lord, for always being so merciful and caring. Amen.”

As the husband stuffed his face with food, Sue pleaded, “Fred, slow down. Wolfing down your food can’t be good for your indigestion, and it’s not a good example for our son. This is also a time to communicate, to share information.”

“OK, I get it,” the harried husband conceded. “Todd, do you know what the average Titan football player gets on his ACT?”

“Maybe a twenty-five?” guessed the son.

“No, drool,” the football nut of a father answered.

Between clenched teeth, the wife stated, “Let’s not talk sports. Did you hear that old Mr. Creamer is getting married?”

While demolishing a meatball, the husband asked, “Isn’t he pretty old to be getting married?”

“He’s 95,” said Sue. “You know his bride-Shirley Jenkins.”

Dropping a meatball onto the floor, Fred exclaimed, “She’s only twenty-five years old! She’s after his money! This sounds like a football wedding to me.”

“What’s a football wedding?” the son inquired.

While washing off the dropped meatball, Fred replied, “It’s when a young thing marries an old dude for his money and then waits for him to KICK OFF.”

“Dad, I know that you’ve always been a football fan, but Mom hardly knows the difference between a football and a hockey puck. Why haven’t you taught her about the fine points of the game?”

“Looking up to his son, Fred explained: “I’ve been trying. Your mother is extremely intelligent, but she learns only those things that hold her interest. Just last week I took her to a football game. Afterwards I asked how she liked it.

“‘I liked it OK,’ your mom said, ‘but I couldn’t understand why the fans were so excited about getting back 25 cents. Everyone kept yelling to get the quarterback.’ “

Exasperated, Sue responded, “That’s not true. Your dad is just sticking in an old, tired football joke. In an attempt to change the subject, Sue asked, “Fred, did you go to confession?”

“Yes, dear. As you know, the boys and I are in a Sunday afternoon football league. I asked Father Smith if it was a sin for me to play on Sundays.”

“What did he say?” the dutiful son asked.

“He said, ‘ Fred, I’ve seen you in action; it’s a sin any day that you play.”

Trying to change the subject, Sue asked, “Have you seen old Mr. Jones lately?”

“Yes, as a matter of fact, I saw him at a football game about three weeks ago,” the husband confirmed. “He had the best seat in the house at the fifty-yard line. Since the five seats on either side of him were empty, I asked if I could sit there.

“Help yourself,” he replied. “Normally this seat next to me would be used by my wife, but she died.”

“I ‘m so sorry to hear about your loss,” I stated sincerely. “Where’s all the other people who usually sit at these seats?” I inquired.

After taking a few swigs from his beer, Mr. Jones said, “They’re at my wife’s funeral. ”

Laughing, Todd spit out a mouthful of spaghetti. Sue gave Fred a look that could stop a clock. Frowning, she retorted, “Sports in general and football in particular are silly. I know a little something about sports. I quote Ebert Hubbard: ‘College football is a sport that bears the same relation to education that bullfighting does to agriculture.’ “

“Here’s a better quote,” said the husband: ‘Football is not a matter of life and death. It’s much more serious than that.’ That’s from a guy by the name of Bill Shankly.”

Now rather angry, the wife argued, “You men are a bunch of Neanderthals. You always have to beat down the other guy. Females are more mature. We stress cooperation over cutthroat competition. No wonder the average guy doesn’t have any friends. You men should play your silly games just for the fun of it. Why even keep score?”

Excitedly, Fred erupted: “The great coach, Vince Lombardi, may God rest his soul, said, ‘If winning isn’t everything, why do they keep score?’ How would you know which teams to send to the Super Bowl if you didn’t keep score? How could we embarrass the Smith Titans if the world couldn’t see that the score was 55-0?”

Exasperated, Sue shrieked: “If doctors cut into a man’s brain they’d find nothing but a bunch of sports trivia.”

Fred countered, “I’m not so sure that they’d find anything in a typical woman’s head! Besides, sports make the world go around. Todd, do you know how many Titans it takes to change a light bulb? It takes the entire team, but each player gets a semester’s credit for it! Say, I’m missing the most important game of the season! Time is wasting!”

After grabbing a cold beer and a sandwich, Fred ran to the family room and turned on the game.

“Gosh, it’s already in the second quarter!” the husband moaned.

“What’s the score?” asked Sue.

“It’s nothing to nothing,” he replied.

“Good. See, you didn’t miss a thing!” Sue said as she walked out of the room.

Fred threw his sandwich at the departing figure, but fortunately, for his sake, like most weekend quarterbacks, his accuracy left much to be desired.  

Poking Fun at Bosses (Although Most of Them Don't Deserve It)

• My boss had a meeting about TEAM BUILDING right after the company fired half the staff.

• “Do not underestimate your abilities. That is your boss's job.” Anonymous.

• “Pride, commitment, and teamwork are words they use to get you to work for free.” Anonymous.

• My boss is so overpaid that he can afford to buy a kid for his dog to play with.

• Typically, the workers and the boss are in a power struggle. The boss has the power, and the workers struggle.

• “If you think your boss is stupid, remember: You wouldn't have a job if he was any smarter.” John Gotti.

• How can you make people believe you're the boss? Just stand around and do nothing.

• I demanded a big increase in my weekly paycheck, so the boss increased the font size.

• “The key to being a good manager is keeping the people who hate you away from those people who are still undecided.” Casey Stengel.

• “In most cases, being a good boss means hiring talented people and then getting out of their way.” Tina Fey.

• In an interview, the boss said, starting today, he'd pay me $15 an hour, and in three months he'draise it to $18. When he asked when I'd like to start, I said, “In three months.”

• “Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties.” Doug Larson.

• We call our boss the “computer” because he'll fall asleep within 20 minutes if left unattended.

• “Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.” Peter Drucker.

• “Having a bad boss isn't your fault. Staying with one is.” Nora Denzel.

• I asked the boss if I could come in late today. “Dream on,” he replied. So I slept until noon.

• “If at first you don't succeed, then try management.” Stephen Hawking.

• My boss said, “Remember, there's no 'I' in team.” I whispered to a co-worker, “And there's not much sign of 'U' in it either.”

• My boss suggested I start the team presentation with humor, so I showed my most recent paycheck on the first slide.

• “No man goes before his time unless the boss leaves early.” Groucho Marx.

• “Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.” Earl Nightingale.

• “People ask the difference between a leader and a boss. The leader leads, and the boss drives.” Theodore Roosevelt.

* “Leaders who don't listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” Andy Stanley.

Dumb Football Jokes

• Because of poor grades, the star running back for the top college team was ineligible to play against its top rival. The English professor decided to give the player a chance to regain his eligibility. “Since you play football, I'll ask you to use the word 'officiate' in a sentence. If you can do so, you'll be able to play on Saturday.” After a thoughtful moment, the player replied, “Duh, my brother got sick from a fish he ate.” He scored three touchdowns in the big game.

• What happens to football players who go blind? They become refs.

• What do you call an offensive lineman's kid? A chip off the old blocker.

* A little boy was at the center of a custody battle. “Billy, I've decided to give custody to your mother,” said the judge. “Please don't do that, your honor,” the boy replied. “Why not?” the judge inquired. “Because she beats me!” “Well, in that case, your father will get custody.” “But he beats me too!” “Then who do you want to have custody?” Billy replied, “I want the Cleveland Browns to have custody.” The startled judge asked, “Why the Browns?” Billy answered, “Because the Browns don't beat anybody.” (And I am a life-long Browns fan!)

• For his birthday, a Browns receiver asked his wife to take him someplace he had never been. She had a picnic for him in the end zone.

• My wife knows nothing about football. Recently I took her to a game. She asked, “Why do the fans care so much about a little change?” “What do you mean, dear?” “They were yelling, 'Get the quarter back!'”

• Why was Cinderella considered to be such a lousy football player? Because she was always running away from the ball (think about it).

* The next day, the Wolverines would be playing their arch rivals. The Ann Arbor grade school teacher asked how many of her students were Michigan fans. All but little Billy raised their hands. “Why aren't you a Michigan fan?” the teacher asked. Billy replied, “Well, my father is an Ohio State fan, my mother is an Ohio State fan, and my big brother is an Ohio State fan, so I'm an Ohio State fan too.” Agitated, the teacher responded, “What if your father was a moron, your mother was a moron, and your big brother was a moron? What would that make you?” Billy answered, “That would make me a Michigan fan, teacher.” (If you're a Michigan fan, feel free to switch the names).

• What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys drinking beer and watching a football game.

• What runs around a football stadium but never moves? A fence.

• Why did the football quit the team? He was tired of getting kicked around.

• Why are the Cleveland Browns like a possum? Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

• Why can't football players wear glasses on the field? Because football is a contact sport.

• What does the football say to the punter? “I get a kick out of you!”

• What do you call a Cleveland Browns' player who is wearing a Super Bowl ring? A thief.

• Why did Cinderella never improve her football skills? Because her coach was a pumpkin.

• What do the Cincinnati Bengals (I decided to give the Browns a rest) and Chick-Fil-A workers have in common? They don't show up for work on Sundays.

• Why do football players never get too hot? Because they're surrounded by “fans.”

• What did the receiver say to the football? “Catch you later.”

Even More Goofy Stuff

• I backed a horse at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.

• On what grounds did the police arrest the devil? They charged him with possession.

• Why was the bottle of ketchup arrested? It was watching the salad dressing.

• What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.

• I thought we had once again elected a pope. As I sat on the sofa, I noticed white smoke floating across the deck. Later I found that my wife was doing laundry. The smoke came from the vent.

• What is the difference between a man and a catfish? One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker, and the other is a fish.

• Did you hear about the woman who won a gold medal in the Olympics? She's having it bronzed.

• I cleaned the attic with my wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

• He: “What are the signs you're having a stroke?” She: “Let's see...There's slurred speech, facial droopiness, arm weakness...” He: “How about weird intermittent tingling in the nether regions?” She: “No, that means you're sitting on your phone again.”

• Why do dogs float on water? Because they're good buoys.

• I do not approve of political jokes-I've seen too many of them elected.

• If Chuck Norris were president, he'd protect the Secret Service.

• One elderly lady said: “I'm never lonely because I have four men in my life. I get up with Charlie Horse, spend the day with Arthur Itis, dine with Will Power, and go to bed with Ben Gay.”

• What do you call a detective who accidentally solves a crime? Sheer Luck Holmes.

• Yesterday my mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I had no idea they actually worked.

• I think our house is haunted. Every time I look in the mirror, a crazy-looking old guy stands in front of me so I can't see my reflection.

• Why are veterinarians prescribing birth-control pills for dogs? It's part of an anti-litter campaign.

• I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

• Why do thieves never target the homes of politicians? Professional courtesy.

• How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend? He gave her a ring.

• How are politicians like babies? Both need to be changed regularly and for the same reason.

• I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but couldn't find any.

• Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was out standing in his field.

• Why do ghosts like to take the elevator? It lifts their spirits.