I backed a horse at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.
On what grounds did the police arrest the devil? They charged him with possession.
Why was the bottle of ketchup arrested? It was watching the salad dressing.
What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
I thought we had once again elected a pope. As I sat on the sofa, I noticed white smoke floating across the deck. Later I found that my wife was doing laundry. The smoke came from the vent.
What is the difference between a man and a catfish? One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker, and the other is a fish.
Did you hear about the woman who won a gold medal in the Olympics? She's having it bronzed.
I cleaned the attic with my wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
He: “What are the signs you're having a stroke?” She: “Let's see...There's slurred speech, facial droopiness, arm weakness...” He: “How about weird intermittent tingling in the nether regions?” She: “No, that means you're sitting on your phone again.”
Why do dogs float on water? Because they're good buoys.
I do not approve of political jokes-I've seen too many of them elected.
If Chuck Norris were president, he'd protect the Secret Service.
One elderly lady said: “I'm never lonely because I have four men in my life. I get up with Charlie Horse, spend the day with Arthur Itis, dine with Will Power, and go to bed with Ben Gay.”
What do you call a detective who accidentally solves a crime? Sheer Luck Holmes.
Yesterday my mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I had no idea they actually worked.
I think our house is haunted. Every time I look in the mirror, a crazy-looking old guy stands in front of me so I can't see my reflection.
Why are veterinarians prescribing birth-control pills for dogs? It's part of an anti-litter campaign.
I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
Why do thieves never target the homes of politicians? Professional courtesy.
How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend? He gave her a ring.
How are politicians like babies? Both need to be changed regularly and for the same reason.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but couldn't find any.
Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was out standing in his field.
Why do ghosts like to take the elevator? It lifts their spirits.
