Church Bulletin Blunders

• “The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric GIRDLES for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.” (Gas-powered girdles are not good for the environment.)

• “This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.” (I hope Mrs. Lewis is a chicken!)

• “Next Thursday, there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.”

• “Illiterate? Write to the church for help.” (That would be a miracle.)

• “The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, 'Break Forth in Joy.'”

• “This afternoon, there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.” (Well, that should cover it.)

• “Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.” (Please, don't give my wife any such ideas.)

• “The 'Over 60s Choir' will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church.”

• “The church is glad to have with us our guest minister, the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the services, we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.” (That's a tough church at which to preach. I hope they pay above standard wages.)

• “Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our Church and community.”

• “The class on prophecy has been canceled due to unforeseen circumstances.”

• “For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.”

• “The associate minister unveiled the church's campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I upped my pledge-Up yours!'”

• “Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p. m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.” (Nothing like rubbing it in.)

• “Tuesday at 4 p. m., there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk, please come early.” (Are cows welcome?)

• “Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.” (I would pay to hear that!)

• “The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys SINNING to join the choir.”

• “Ushers will SWAT the latecomers.”

• “The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.” (That's one way to increase attendance-at least male attendance!)

• “At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be, 'What is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.”

• “Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.”

This, That, and the Other

• On September 23, 1996, Stanley Dorbo of Waco, Texas, won an argument with his wife! (Believe it or Don't!)

• A liberal network reported the news for three entire minutes before calling Trump a Nazi.

• I was so popular that I was elected high school senior class president five years in a row!

• A politician spoke for over an hour without lying. (Very hard to believe!)

• Mom always gave her kids a choice at mealtime-we could take it or leave it.

• As we age, we get stronger. At 23, I could not hold $30 worth of groceries in one arm. As a senior citizen, I can.

• Wives often complain that their husbands don't listen to them. I think that's what my wife said to me this morning.

• Mary Todders of Sacramento, California, told her husband he was just an overgrown little boy. He retaliated by kicking her out of his fort. (She had it coming!)

• Recently, a flying saucer from the planet Xerox hovered over Washington, D. C. The aliens reported to their home planet that no intelligent life forms were detected. (I bet they were hovering over Congress.)

• Fred Cheevers of Zanesville, Ohio, actually enjoys shopping with his wife. (Could he be an alien from the planet Xerox?)

• If the wind is blowing just right, my wife can smell a popcorn factory from as far away as 80 miles.

• Joe Boulder of Lancaster, Ohio, told his wife she was overreacting. Miraculously, he's still alive and well!

• Even when we disagreed, my wife never considered divorce. (She has occasionally considered murder, however.)

• My doctor is very practical. When I told him I felt pain whenever I lifted my right arm above my head, he told me to stop raising my right arm.

• The same doctor told my wife to watch what she's eating. You should see the new mirror on our breakfast table.

• Jack Spratt of Atlanta, Georgia, recently took what he considered a pleasure trip. He took his mother-in-law to the airport.

• My wife thinks our cat understands her whenever she talks to it. My dog and I had a good laugh over the incident.

• The New York Yankees did not sign me for three minor reasons: I couldn't hit, couldn't run, and couldn't throw.

• Scientists say it is not true that married men live longer than single men. It just seems that way. (Get off my case! It's a joke!)

• Studies show that most women forgive their husbands when the wives are wrong.

• The doctor told my wife to eat no more than one bowl of popcorn per day. She is now the proud owner of a bowl the size of a car tire.

Bonanza-The Lost Episode

***Most “experts” believe that this popular Western ran a total of 430 episodes, but now we can add one more show to the list. Last Wednesday, while cleaning out my sock drawer, I discovered a lost episode. I have no idea how the film got there. Of course, I once shot an elephant in my pajamas, and I have no idea how it got into my pajamas, so some things in life must remain a mystery.

***During the long run of the program (1959-1973), the three sons and even “Pa” were involved in several romances. Unfortunately, falling in love with a Cartwright was the kiss of death, as you shall see in this episode.

***The setting is the huge living room of the Cartwright house, which is located in the middle of a 1,000 square-mile cattle ranch near Virginia City, Nevada. The year is 1867, just two years after the end of the Civil War. The youngest son, “Little Joe,” has brought his fiancée, Miss Lillian Jones, to meet the family.

LITTLE JOE: Lillian, I’d like you to meet my father, Ben.

BEN: (always serious and wise): I’m honored to meet you, Lillian. Joe has told us so much about you.

LILLIAN: And Joe has told me so much about you and your boys, Mr. Cartwright.

BEN: Since you’re going to be part of the family, why don’t you call me “Pa?”

LILLIAN: Well, since I’ll soon be a Cartwright, I will call you “Pa.”

***Hoss, the huge middle son with the matching appetite, runs from the kitchen to the living room. He has a drumstick in one hand and a piece of apple pie in the other. The Chinese cook, Hop Sing, is chasing him while menacingly swinging a skillet:

HOP SING: Mr. Hoss, I warned you to stay out of the kitchen until supper!

HOSS: (jumping over a chair while taking a bite of pie): Come on, Hop Sing! Have a heart! I haven’t had anything to eat since three-thirty!

HOP SING: Yes, but it’s now only three forty-five!

BEN: Men, we have company! Act like gentlemen! Lillian, this is my middle son, Eric, but he’s so big that we call him “Hoss.”

***After quickly devouring the rest of the pie, Hoss licks his fingers before shaking hands with Joe’s bride-to-be.

BEN: And this is our cook, Hop Sing.

HOP SING: Glad to meet you, Missy.

***Hop Sing then whacks Hoss over the head with the skillet. As Hoss falls to the floor, Hop Sing grabs what remains of the chicken and heads back to the kitchen.

BEN (as Adam enters the room): Lillian, this is my oldest son, Adam. He’s the smartest of the three. As a matter of fact, he’s the only one smart enough to get off this show; he’s not signing a contract for the next season.

***After lunch, the boys go about their typical day, rounding up stray cattle, helping clear a man wrongly accused of murder, diverting a raging river to protect a bustling city, and meeting Mark Twain and President Andrew Johnson at the stagecoach stop in Virginia City.

LILLIAN: So, Pa, is the boys’ mother deceased?

BEN: Yes, each of their mothers is dead.

LILLIAN: You had more than one wife?

BEN: I’ve had three. My first wife, Elizabeth, died giving birth to Adam. A few weeks after Hoss was born, my second wife, Inger, was nailed by an Indian’s arrow. Marie, Little Joe’s mother, fell off a horse and died when he was only five.

LILLIAN That’s terrible, Pa!

BEN: Well, you know what they always say-lucky in land, unlucky in love. And, of course, on the bright side, those deaths eliminated any chance I’d ever have to pay alimony or give up part of my property.

LILLIAN: Why have your sons never married, Pa?

BEN: They tried! I guess you could call it the “Cartwright Curse.” I remember that Adam was madly in love with a cute little blonde from Virginia City. They set a wedding date, and he bought her the biggest diamond I’ve ever seen.

LILLIAN: What happened?

BEN: It ended in tragedy. She was standing out front, just to the left of the house. Adam went back into the house to get his hat. Unbeknownst to her, a gaint beaver was gnawing on a nearby ponderosa pine; that tree came crashing down on her; she survived only long enough to give Adam a tearful goodbye.

LILLIAN: That’s terrible, Pa!

BEN: Well, in a way it was, but our ratings shot up after that show! It took poor Adam three episodes to get over that gal! Then he fell head over heels for a perky little brunette from San Francisco. They were planning to marry, but once again, tragedy struck.

LILLIAN: Pa, what happened?

BEN: It was a bad case of hoof and mouth disease. There was nothing we could do to save her. With all that foam on her face, I can’t really blame Adam for not kissing her one last time.

LILLIAN: Pa, how did he cope with losing two loves?

BEN: He coped in the best way our writers could think of; he promptly fell in love with another lady. If I remember correctly, she was from back East in Ohio. She traveled here with her father, who was an encyclopedia salesman. To make a long story short, Adam built a house for her on the southeastern corner of the Ponderosa. That would be about four hundred miles from here. Anyway, she loved the house so much that she moved into it before the wedding.

LILLIAN: What happened, Pa? Did the roof fall on top of her? Did the Indians get her?

BEN: No, nothing like that. Adam didn’t realize that he had built the cabin on top of quicksand. By the time he rode out there to visit, she’d been submerged for at least twelve hours. Adam pulled her out of the muck so that she could say a few appropriate last words before expiring. Poor Adam grieved for four episodes until he hooked up with a little redhead from Oregon.

LILLIAN: Pa, let me guess. She died, too.

BEN: Well, we think she did.

LILLIAN: You’re not sure?

BEN: On the day of the wedding, a giant eagle swooped her up, and we haven’t seen her since. Of course, her disappearance didn’t surprise me; she was signed for just one show.

LILLIAN: Pa, what about Hoss?

BEN: As you can see, Hoss isn’t the most pleasant thing to look at, and he’s not the brightest match in the pack, if you catch my drift, but when I kick the bucket, he’ll be rich as heck, so women flock around him like flies to honey. He was to marry Peggy Sue from Virginia City. Unfortunately, she was shot by Sheriff Coffee.

LILLIAN: Pa, how did that happen?

BEN: A notorious bank robber was seen in this area. When holding up a bank, he dressed in women’s clothing for a disguise. After he took the loot from the Virginia City 4^th 5^th Bank, the sheriff was given a description of what the outlaw was wearing. Unfortunately, Peggy Sue was wearing an identical outfit that day, and she was carrying a large bag of cookies that she had just baked for Hoss. The sheriff mistook the cookies for a bag of loot. It was a simple case of mistaken identity. At least Hoss enjoyed the cookies.

LILLIAN: Pa, I suppose he overcame his sorrow by finding another girl?

BEN: Not right away. To get through the crisis, he had Hop Sing make him extra chicken and biscuits. That boy is a bottomless pit. About five episodes later, Hoss fell for a gal who worked in a saloon. Unfortunately, a cattle stampede took care of her.

LILLIAN: Pa, I am Joe’s first true love, aren’t I?

BEN: Of course, except for Mary, Sally, Marie, Rachel, Jessie, Barbara, and Edith.

LILLIAN: My Little Joe was in love with all those women?

BEN: Not at the same time! I think he could have been happy with Mary for at least six or seven episodes; it’s too bad that those mountain lions mauled her while she was sunbathing. I told her repeatedly that lying out in the sun isn’t good for one’s health.

LILLIAN: Pa, did all of them die?

BEN: All but Rachel; technically, she’s not dead.

LILLIAN: What do you mean, Pa?

BEN: She was overtaken by a glacier that had slid down from Canada. The doctor in Virginia City said that eventually, we might find a way to thaw her out. Until then, she’s traveling in a block of ice with a circus; she’s known as “The Frozen Lady of Borneo.” It took poor Joe almost three episodes to get over her.

LILLIAN: Well, Mr. Cartwright, this has been an enlightening conversation. Please tell Little Joe that I have some pressing business to attend to in Hong Kong. I’ll be very busy for the next couple of decades.

BEN: Call me “Pa.”

LILLIAN: Goodbye, Mr. Cartwright.

Back in my Day

 

Grandson: “Grandpa, I have to do a report for school on some old person's early life, so I picked you.”

Grandpa: “That's nice. How old do you think I am?”

Grandson: “I asked my brother. He said you're older than dirt, so I guess you're about 150 or so years old.”

Grandpa: “Well, Billy, you're pretty close. You know, back in my day, we kids usually walked to school and back.”

Grandson: “You didn't ride a bus?”

Grandpa: “Only in bad weather. Of course, back in those days, we rode the school stagecoach.”

Grandson: “Cool!”

Grandpa: “But as I said, usually we walked. We had to be tough back in those days. Both going to school and coming home were uphill. At school, we didn't have fire drills. Instead, we had Indian raid drills. When the alarm was sounded, each student grabbed their gun and poked it out of the designated hole before commencing to fire.”

Grandson: “Your school was sure more interesting than mine.”

Grandpa: “Being at home was no picnic, either. We had one TV set, and when your great-grandfather got home, he controlled what was watched. There were only four TV stations, and their shows were broadcast in glorious black and white. To pick up those stations, great-grandpa had a big silver tower beside the house that seemed to reach to the heavens.”

Grandson: “That sounds pretty primitive.”

Grandpa: “Well, my father did have an automatic TV channel changer.”

Grandson: “They had such a devise way back when?”

Grandpa: “Yes, it was called a son. And you know, Billy, back in my day we didn't have cell phones.”

Grandson: “No! How could you call somebody if you weren't at home?”

Grandpa: “On about every third corner was a box-like structure with a door. Inside was a telephone. For a dime, you could make a call.”

Grandson: “No way!”

Grandpa: “Way! Many years ago, when your dad was about your age, I told him about a college basketball coach who recruited a bunch of players, all of whom averaged over 30 points a game in high school, but didn't know how to play defense. The coach said, 'They couldn't guard Marilyn Monroe in a phone booth.' First, your dad wanted to know what a phone booth is; then he asked, 'What's a Marilyn Monroe?'”

Grandson: “So, what is a Marilyn Monroe, Grandpa?”

Grandpa: “Come back in a decade or two, and I'll explain. The first of my father's cars I remember was a 1953 Chevrolet. It had no power steering, no power brakes, hand cranks for the windows, no air conditioning, and no radio.”

Grandson: “Did it have a steering wheel or a joystick?”

Grandpa: “It did have a steering wheel. And you know, your great- grandmother always gave us kids a choice when it came to meals.”

Grandson: “So, if she made something you didn't like, you could ask for something else?”

Grandpa: “No, it didn't quite work that way. The choices were to take it or leave it.”

Grandson: “Did you like going to school, Grandpa?”

Grandpa: “Yes. As long as you did what you were told, nobody messed with you, but if you didn't behave, they'd haul out the paddle.”

Grandson: “They didn't give you a timeout?”

Grandpa: “Well, after a few swats on the backside, a student wanted to take time out from sitting.”

Grandma enters the room.

Grandma: “Billy, you have to take whatever your grandpa says with a grain of salt. He was an excellent teacher, but he would have been an even better politician.”

Grandson: “Because he speaks so well?”

Grandma: “No, because he sometimes stretches the truth almost to the breaking point.”

Grandson: “Well, Grandpa, I guess it's a good thing you're not Pinocchio.”

Grandpa: “By the way, Billy, did I ever tell you about the time your grandma dated Abraham Lincoln?”

Grandson: “Wow! When was that?”

Grandpa: “Let's see; I'd say about four score and seven years ago.”