A Few Things

 

A Few Things

• With such high fuel costs, this Christmas I've decided to be bad so that Santa will fill my stocking with coal.

• Finally, Congress has simplified the tax forms. Step one: List year's gross income. Step two: Add twenty percent of gross income. Step three: Send check.

• I'm less worried about artificial intelligence than I am about human intelligence (or lack thereof).

• It's probably a good thing few new westerns are being filmed. No doubt, Hollywood would make them “politically correct,” which, of course, would make a mess of things.

• Sadly, when enough people claim that everything is racist, many folks begin to believe nothing is.

• After a pretty gal danced with me, I said, “Thank you. I wanted to dance with you in the worst way.” She smiled and replied, “Mission accomplished.”

• I'm so old that in school we had Indian raid drills instead of fire drills.

• Speaking of being old, my grandson asked if I had voted for Lincoln. After I answered in the negative, he said, “Oh, then you must be a Democrat.”

• In 1930, during the Great Depression, a reporter pointed out to Babe Ruth that he was making more money than President Hoover. Without missing a beat, Babe replied that he was having a better year than Hoover.

• Why don't sharks eat clowns? Because they taste funny.

• Dad said some people couldn't pour water out of a boot with directions on the heel.

• Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7-8-9.

• A slice of apple pie in Jamaica is $2.50, $3.75 in Bermuda, and $3.00 in the Bahamas. Those are the pie-rates of the Caribbean.

• Man on phone: “My wife is pregnant! Her contractions are only two minutes apart!” Doctor: “Is this her first child?” Man: “No, you idiot! This is her husband!”

• I went to an ophthalmologist because I was seeing spots before my eyes. With my new glasses, I see the spots much more clearly.

• I had to quit my high school marching band because of back problems. I played the piano.

• After I gave a speech, a woman approached me, saying, “If you were my husband, I'd poison your tea.” “If you were my wife,” I replied, “I'd drink it.”

• One of my enemies said I was two-faced. That's ridiculous. If I had a second face, do you think I'd be wearing this one?

• A man went to the desk and said, “I want a cheeseburger, fries, and a chocolate shake.” The lady replied, “Quiet, please! This is a library!” The man, speaking in a whisper: “I want a cheeseburger, fries, and a chocolate shake.”

• What kind of felines bowl? Alley cats.

• Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.