Early Automobile Ads

 

4-3-1909: “CHALMERS-DETROIT-THE CAR WITH A RECORD. Sold and Guaranteed by C.A. FRITZ, 17 N. SIXTH STREET... If you are figuring on a machine for this year, consult your interests by inspecting the CHALMERS-DETROIT. A demonstration car is at your disposal so that you may see the many superior qualities of the CHALMERS-DETROIT. It's the car that holds Speed, is easiest to control, requires fewer repairs, and consumes less oil and fuel. It's the neatest car on the market and is a year ahead in improvements; the 1909 model equals other factories' improvements, because IT'S THE ORIGINATING FIRM'S PRODUCTION. When you discuss automobiles, remember this one is the leader in first cost; cost of maintenance it has the world Beat. $1500 BUYS CHALMERS-DETROIT '30'-It's equal to most $2500 cars.

C.A. FRITZ, Sole Southeastern Ohio Agent. At the Original Garage, 17 N. Sixth St.”

3-8-1910: “The Buick 10 With Surrey Seat. Two fine new models as above just in-speak quickly if you want one. BAKER ELECTRICS...Our demonstrating car is here; see it-It's a beauty. Two 'E.M. & F. 30's' Also Here. Remember that we are also headquarters for wagons, buggies, and vehicles of all kinds, plows, woven wire fence, etc.

PRICE IMPLEMENT CO. 16-26 SOUTH SIXTH STREET.”

11-8-1912: “THE '54' HUDSON – a 'SIX'. Speed: 65 Miles per Hour. 58 Miles per Hour in 30 Seconds from a standing start. It is not merely a 'Six' which is made so by the addition of two cylinders to a good four-cylinder car. It has power. But its power is not abnormal in proportion to its other parts. It has beauty. But no detail of its mechanical design is overlooked. It is completely equipped. Every detail that adds to comfort and luxury is included, but this is not done with the idea of attracting sales or through skimping in any other direction.”

7-12-1913: “WHAT'S THE USE OF PAYING MORE FOR A CAR NOT ONE WHIT BETTER? PERHAPS NOT NEARLY SO GOOD? Studebaker cars have got 'em all going, because they have more real automobile merit for the money than any of the others. Take the six (cylinder) with all the electric start and light effects, the lines, room and upholstery at only $ 1550. Compare it with other sixes. Compare the '35,' six-passenger with its electric start and lighting features, at only $1290. Where can it be approached? Take the '25' roadster at $875 and the five-passenger touring car at $885—Can you beat it? WE HAVE THEM ALL TO SHOW YOU. If you are a 'show-me' prospect, nothing would please us better than to comply. Let's hear from you soon.

C.A. FRITZ 17-19 NORTH SIXTH. OPPOSITE FIRE STATION.”

8-14-1915: “OVERLAND: $750. The Newest Overland is $325 Less Than Last Year! Deliveries are being made now all-over the country. Every Overland dealer already has a waiting list. Place your order immediately, and you can be sure of a speedy delivery.

VALLEY MOTOR CO. The Roemer Garage, Zanesville.”

11-17-1915: “DETROIT ELECTRIC: World's Leading Enclosed Car. GET TO KNOW THIS CAR... Because we know so well the varied capabilities, the many advantages of the 1916 Detroit Electrics for all the year around family use, we want you to know them too. Once you have personally driven a Detroit Electric, experienced its wonderfully easy riding qualities, enjoyed its all-weather comfort, examined its construction, and considered its operative economy, you'll not be satisfied till you own one. Let us arrange a demonstration today-just phone us when.

SHARPE-CRAWMER MOTOR CO. 44-45-48 N. Fifth St., Zanesville, Ohio.”

11-10-1917: “BUICK 60 Horse Power. We are Now Making Immediate Delivery On All Models.

ZANESVILLE BUICK CO. J. O. McDonald, Mgr. Salesroom and Service Station, 51-53 N. 5^th St. Bell Phone: 624. Auto Phone: 4179.

Humorous Epitaphs

• Mel Blanc, the voice of Bugs Bunny and many other cartoon characters, has the following on his tombstone: “That's All Folks!”

• On another tombstone: “I made some good deals, and I made some bad ones. I really went in the hole on this one.”

• Sir John Strange: “Here lies an honest lawyer, and that is Strange.”

• Lester Moore: “Here lies Lester Moore, four slugs from a .44, no Les no more.”

• Rodney Dangerfield: “There goes the neighborhood.”

• “I came here without being consulted, and I leave here without my consent.”

• “I was hoping for a pyramid.”

• “Uncle Walter loved to spend. He had no money in the end. But with many a whiskey and many a wife, he really did enjoy his life.”

• Spike Milligan: “I told you I was sick.”

• Ezekiel Aikle: “Here lies Ezekiel Aikle, Age 102. The Good Die Young.”

• “Here lies an atheist, all dressed up and no place to go.”

• Frank Sinatra: “The best is yet to come!”

• Alfred Hitchcock: “I'm in on a plot.”

• “We finally found a place to park in Georgetown.”

• Billy Wilder: “I'm a writer, but then nobody's perfect.”

• Merv Griffin: “I will not be right back after this message.”

• Johnny Yeast: “Here lies Johnny Yeast. Pardon me for not rising.”

• “She always said her feet were killing her, but no one believed her.”

• “This ain't bad once you get used to it.”

• “One way. Do not enter.”

• “I knew this would happen.”

• “He never killed a man that didn't need killing.”

• “Died from not forwarding that text message to 10 people.”

• “Here lies the body of Emily White. She signaled left, and then turned right.”

A Special Homecoming Queen

 

The Ohio State University, originally known as the Agricultural and Mechanical College, began “Ohio State Day” in 1912. Later changed to “Homecoming,” the event was created to bring alumni back to campus each year. A key part of the festivities included electing a Homecoming Queen.

To be selected Homecoming Queen, much like being selected to be a cheerleader, is a prestigious award for which most young women can only dream. In 1926, the OSU College of Agriculture nominated one Maudine Ormsby to rule over that year’s Homecoming festivities, but the young lady had two humongous problems to overcome. First of all, although she was seen around campus and ate her meals there, Maudine was not registered as a student at the Ohio State University. Secondly, unlike many of her fellow coeds, she was not exactly beautiful, at least not in the conventional sense of the word. Indeed, she was a large gal; she might have been the heaviest female on campus. On the other hand, Ms. Ormsby was ahead of her times, for she was one of the few practicing vegetarians in the region.

To the surprise of college officials, this rather homely female was elected Homecoming Queen for 1926. Those officials, perhaps with smiles on their faces, had refused to disqualify Ms. Ormsby over the technicality of not being enrolled, and as for her looks, no doubt the Ohio State brain trust realized that real, lasting beauty lies within the soul.

Surprisingly, the alumni and the students were more excited about Maudine’s victory than she was. She went along with the festivities, but never displayed either nervousness or excitement. She neither smiled nor frowned as the crown and cape were placed upon her. For Ms. Ormsby, it was just another day.

Later that evening, after the parade and other festivities had been completed, Maudine skipped the big dance. Perhaps that was a good decision, for she didn’t look like the most agile gal in the world. In fact, she could be described as having four left feet. So instead of attending the dance she contentedly spent her evening at a barn not far from the main campus.

You see, Maudine Ormsby was a cow. No, I’m not an insensitive male chauvinist pig describing an overweight lady. I’m talking about the kind of cow that moos, gives lots of milk, and eats hay. As a joke the College of Agriculture had nominated this creature for Homecoming Queen, and when the student body elected the hay burner, Ohio State officials went along with the funny business.

To this day some folks argue that the joke was an affront to the tradition and seriousness of Homecoming, but I think they protest too much. Although Maudine Ormsby was rather homely (if you are a bull, you may disagree), no real harm was done.

Although Maudine did not meet the physical standards of Ohio State’s Homecoming Queens either before or after 1926, Buckeye fans, with tongues planted firmly in their cheeks, would argue that she’s prettier than any Homecoming Queen ever elected at that “school up north.” 

Roughing It

My wife comes from a family of outdoorsmen (outdoors-people?). She and her family got more than their money's worth with their tent, and later, their simple camper. From their point of view, the good life involves what they call “roughing it.” During their outdoor adventures, they did without a comfortable bed, air conditioning, and even a TV set.

Actually, when I was a kid, I probably spent more time outdoors than my sweetheart did. Until the age of five, several times a day, I had to follow a long, winding path to our outhouse. Talk about roughing it! In the summer that little building was a sauna, and in the winter it became an icebox.

Back in the day, kindergarten was optional. While all my friends were in school painting pictures and taking naps, I made paths and huts throughout the nearby forest. Like Daniel Boone and other heroes, I was a trailblazer.

After our marriage, my wife requested a tent. On our maiden voyage, so to speak, we set up camp at a nearby park. Sadly, my arrangements did not compare favorably with her concept of roughing it.

“Why did you get a site with electricity?” she asked.

“Well, dear,” I replied, “I need electricity for my radio, my electric razor, my portable TV set, and my electric blanket.”

“That's not roughing it! Having a TV set here is not roughing it!”

“It is roughing it, dear. From here I can only pick up the local channel; that's only one more channel than Daniel Boone watched!”

For supper I took her to a nearby restaurant, where we dined on hamburgers, fries, and apple pie. My better half admitted the food was great, but nevertheless, she was disappointed.

“When roughing it, you cook over an open fire. You go out in the woods to gather your own wood, and you rub sticks together to start the fire. Eating at a restaurant is not roughing it!”

“It most certainly is,” I argued. “I picked this particular restaurant because it has no air conditioning. I bet old Daniel Boone ate at inns without air conditioning, too.”

“No doubt,” she conceded, “but he wasn't watching a football game on TV while he ate.”

Although she thought it was cheating, I brought along air mattresses. She argued that if Boone had had an air mattress, he would have blown it up with his mouth.

“He would have blown the air mattress up by his mouth only because he didn't have a better way to do it,” I responded. “I bet he would have paid a pretty penny for an air pump.”

An hour after turning in, it began to rain. After about three hours into this downpour, the tent began leaking. About a half hour later, a newly formed stream began to work its way into our tent. Reluctantly, my wife agreed to wait out the storm in the dryness and relative safety of the car.

By early morning, the rain was still coming down in buckets. Only a fish would have been comfortable in our tent at that point, so with great regret, my wife agreed to go home, leaving the tent for the time being.

Forty-five minutes later, safe and sound in our own bed, I was just about to fall asleep when my boss said, “You must be happy; now you don't have to rough it.”

“Just for you, dear, I am roughing it,” I corrected her.

“How?”

“I'm only using one thin sheet, and I unplugged the electric blanket. Daniel Boone has nothing on me.”