A Few Thoughts

 

• When I was a kid, the girls and boys played Spin the Bottle. If the bottle pointed to a boy, the girl could either kiss him or give him a quarter. By age 14, I owned my own house and car.

• I waited in the restaurant's bathroom for over two hours. A sign there said, “Employees must wash hands.” Unfortunately, no employees showed up.

• In high school, I told the coach I was going out for basketball. “Sorry,” he said. “We already have a basketball.”

• I replied affirmatively when the basketball coach asked if I could shoot. I never said I could make any shots, but I could shoot.

• Wow! I watched a liberal newscaster do a half-hour program, and he only referred to Trump as a Nazi three times!

• One of my friends is getting a divorce. When they were married, he called her “Miss Right.” Only later did he discover her first name was “Always.”

• Did you hear about the diamond mine owner and his wife getting a divorce? She got the mine and he got the shaft.

• The third grade teacher was excited about her UCLA Bruins hosting Southern Cal in football. She said to her class, “Raise your hand if you're a UCLA fan!” All but little Billy raised their hands. “Why are you not a UCLA fan?” the teacher asked. Billy replied: “My dad is a Southern Cal fan, my mom is a Southern Cal fan, and my big brother is a Southern Cal fan, so I'm a Southern Cal fan.” The ticked-off teacher remarked: “By that logic, if your dad was a moron, your mother was a moron, and your big brother was a moron, then what would that make you?” “That would make me a UCLA fan, teacher.”

• Supposedly, Calvin Coolidge was a man of few words. A lady approached him and said, “Mr. Coolidge, I have a bet with my friends that I can get three words out of you.” Coolidge turned to the lady and replied, “You lose.”

• Ronald Reagan said politics is the world's second-oldest profession. He added that it very much resembles the first.

• The judge had to decide who would get custody of little Billy. The judge said, “Billy, I've decided to give custody to your mother.” “Judge,” the little boy replied, “you can't do that.” “Why?” asked the judge. “Because he beats me.” “Well, in that case, I will give custody to your father.” “But he beats me too.” Then who would you like to have custody?” asked the judge. “I want the Cleveland Browns to have custody.” “The Browns? Why?” “Because they don't beat anybody.”

• Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.

• I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

• Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

• I was having lunch with a chess champion. The table had a checkered tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

• Quote of the day from Rodney Dangerfield: “I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”

I Distinctly Remember My Family's Restaurant Visits

 

* Dedicated to Dr. Rev. Herbert Hicks.  Our loss is Heaven's gain.

Occasionally Dad would inform my brother and me that on the upcoming Saturday we would be spending the day with him at work. For his part, my brother was delighted. He loved nothing more than to watch our mechanic father change tires, tune engines, and check radiators.

I, on the other hand, was devastated, having no interest in mechanical things. My normal Saturday consisted of playing softball with my neighborhood friends, watching the “Baseball Game of the Week,” and reading my current stack of library books. From my point of view, going to work with Dad amounted to a wasted weekend.

On one particular weekend we traveled to a company station about twenty miles from home. Normally, Dad would finish work about 5 p. m. Then we would pile into the company truck and head home for supper.

Our family never starved; we had clothes on our backs and a roof over our heads, but we lived frugally. Up to this time, I had never eaten at a restaurant. The closest I had come to eating out occurred on those few times I ate lunch at the school cafeteria. Usually I took a sack lunch.

On that Saturday, Dad ran into some problems. It was close to seven-thirty by the time he finished. Evidently, Dad was starving, because he took us to a nearby restaurant. At the age of nine, I was about to experience my first restaurant meal.

Country music was blaring from a jukebox as we entered the building. After we sat at a corner booth, a waitress handed us menus. Today I had breakfast, but to tell the truth, I can't remember what I ate. Yet, way back on that particular Saturday, I distinctly recall what I had ordered.

I had a large cheeseburger that I improved tremendously by drenching it in ketchup. Half the plate was covered with French fries. Along with these two items, I ordered a large Coca-Cola.

After consuming our meals, we watched a guy play at a pinball machine. This was the first time I'd seen such a thing.

Besides not eating at restaurants, we didn't waste money on vacations. Dad's annual two weeks off work usually were spent scraping and painting the house and the garage. So to say the least, this was not exactly a fun time.

During one particular summer, however, some relatives living near Washington, D. C., invited us to visit. When near our destination, Dad decided to stop at a diner so we would not impose upon our relatives. This time I ordered a cheeseburger, fries, AND a chocolate milkshake. I even had the nerve to ask for a second burger, and to my surprise, my wish was granted.

A year or so later, Dad decided to take his family to a restaurant in a town where he sometimes worked. It was fancier than the two previously mentioned restaurants, but the food was no better. Of course, I ordered French fries, but instead of a cheeseburger I got a big square of some type of fish. These were washed down by a glass of iced tea.

Now we fast-forward a few more years. We were visiting relatives in a city about 80 miles from home. Since we arrived in town at lunchtime, Dad took us into what seemed like an ordinary eatery located in the basement of a large hotel.

When Dad looked at the menu, I think he almost fainted, for the prices at that time were out of this world. We didn't get up and leave, but Dad made certain we kids chose only the cheapest items listed. During the meal, he complained about the cost so much that I volunteered to swipe the silverware. He gave it some thought before vetoing the idea.

I did save Dad some money that day. The stall in the men's restroom was locked; a dime was needed to open it. My brother needed to use the bathroom, but he was afraid to ask our upset Dad for money. Being creative and being a little kid, with little difficulty, I crawled under the door of the stall and then opened it. You're welcome, Dad.

These are the only ones I remember. Those occasions were special simply because they seldom occurred.

1887 Newspaper Advertisements

 

A neighbor gave me several Zanesville, Ohio Daily Courier newspapers dated from November and December of 1887. I found the advertisements to be most interesting.

IF YOU HAVE no appetite, indigestion, flatulence, sick headache, “all run down,” losing flesh, you will find TUTT'S PILLS the remedy you need. They tone up the weak stomach and build up the flagging energies. Sufferers from mental or physical overwork will find relief from them. Nicely sugar-coated. SOLD EVERYWHERE.

LADIES' TOBOGGAN JACKETS, AT GRANT'S. We are too far from the north pole to render the building of toboggan slides a profitable industry, but that need not interfere with our Zanesville ladies wearing toboggan jackets. In fact, they are fast becoming as popular for indoor wear as the long-lived and indestructible jersey. They are also very nice for street wear underneath a medium weight garment. These jackets are all wool, ribbed, close fitting, come in stripes of contrasting colors, and are made sleeveless. ALEXANDER GRANT.

Some grand bargains, some rare bargains, before we move. We have some Second-hand, Square and Upright Pianos, and Second-hand Organs we will sell at Greatly Reduced Prices before we move. We have delayed in our moving, but look out for our announcement a little later. H. D. MUNSON & SONS.

PINKERTON'S ORIENTAL COFFEE. The consumption of Pinkerton's Oriental Coffee has had a steady growth from consumers, and at the present time is growing more rapidly than at any time during the past. We have thousands of the best families in Ohio who have tested it in every possible manner, and now use it exclusively. We roast nothing but high-grade, sound Coffee, nicely blended, and with our own exclusive process for cleaning, roasting and packing, we furnish you the perfection of Coffee in cleanliness, purity and strength. PINKERTON COFFEE CO. 11 & 13 Fourth Street, Zanesville, O.

DR. GRAY'S CROWNING SYSTEM. BRIDGE WORK-ARTIFICIAL TEETH WITHOUT PLATES. By this method, good roots which remain in the jaw may be restored to perfect usefulness and beauty, and made so solid that they will perform the office of mastication like the natural teeth. If but four good roots remain in the jaw in proper position, we can attach an entire set of teeth to these roots, and restore the mouth to its original comfort and beauty, without the use of a plate. Where four teeth still remain in the mouth in proper position, we can attach an entire set of teeth without a plate, and without cutting off the teeth. DR. L. M. GRAY, ZANESVILLE, OHIO. (This is the author Zane Grey's father.)

ATH-LO-PHO-ROS PILLS are a quick, pleasant, safe and sure cure for disordered liver, or stomach, indigestion, dyspepsia, constipation, nervous or general debility, headache, lassitude, diseases of women, etc. Neatly put up 100 for 50 cents. Athlophoros Remedies are sold by all druggists.

LAMPS. Hanging Lamps, Stand Lamps, Bracket Lamps. Get our prices before you buy. NEW GOODS THIS WEEK. Wall Pockets, Easels, Pictures, Picture Frames, etc. COME AND SEE THEM. Best place in the city to buy useful and ornamental Holiday presents. E. P. CHURCH & CO., 201 MAIN STREET. Picture Frames made to order. STORE OPEN EVERY EVENING.

SMOKING JACKETS. A new and beautiful line of the justly celebrated Alfred Benjamin & Co. make, just received at the W. DRYFUS & SON. Every lady intending to buy her husband or lover (or both?) a nice CHRISTMAS PRESENT. Should not fail to see them. We have them in FINE SILK VELVET, FINE ENGLISH CLOTH, FRENCH DRAP D'ETE, AND TRICOT CLOTH, in new, fashionable and desirable shades, Silk and Satin Lined, Satin Bound, Quilted Facings and Pocket Flaps. We will cheerfully show them and request everybody desirous of inspecting the line to call early, while the stock is unbroken. We also display the finest line of MUFFLERS, NECKWEAR, SUSPENDERS, SILK UMBRELLAS, ETC. In this city. W. DRYFUS & SON, Leading Haberdashers. 90 MAIN STREET. Open every evening till 9:30.

E. P. BLOOMER, CANDIES AND CONFECTIONERY. No. 176 Main Street. Pure Candies manufactured in our own Factory, from Pure Sugars, and flavored with Fruit Extracts. A Superior Line of Bon Bons and packages of various sizes. A specialty made of TROPICAL FRUITS which we guarantee to sell at the Lowest Possible Prices. All goods warranted to be of the Purest Quality, and specially designed for the Holiday trade. E. P. BLOOMER, CANDIES AND CONFECTIONERY, No. 176 MAIN STREET.