Jokes to Tickle Your Funny Bone

• To my surprise, the doctor told me I wasn't retaining water. However, she did say I was retaining pizza, ice cream, cookies, and doughnuts.

• Eating, napping, no teeth, toilet troubles. Being a baby is just a practice run for old age.

• I hate it when people act so intellectual and talk about Mozart although they've never seen one of his paintings.

• CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPER: “The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.”

• My cousin suggested horse manure on my strawberries. I didn't like the taste of that, so I'm going back to whipped cream.

• A children's pastor asked his young flock: “Why do you think I wear this collar?” One young man answered: “Because it kills ticks and fleas up to 30 days?”

• The government's view on the economy: “If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.” Ronald Reagan.

• They say we can learn from our mistakes. If I learn from my eight billion goofs, I'll be a genius.

• The children were lined up in the cafeteria for lunch. The nun made a note and posted it by the apples: “Take only one. God is watching.” Down the line, where the cookies were, a child left the following note: “Take all you want. God is busy watching the apples.”

• When I was a kid there were two ways to die: natural causes and talking back to one's parents!

• My grandchildren wanted to know what my childhood years were like, so I took away their phones, unplugged the Internet, blocked all but three channels on the TV, gave them each a Popsicle, and told them to play outside until dark.

• Six-year-old children laugh an average of 300 times a day. Adults only laugh 15-100 times a day. Be six again!

• Apparently, exercise helps with decision-making. After running five miles this morning I've decided never to do that again!

* ”When I was a boy of 14, my father was ignorant; I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.” Mark Twain.

• I'm so old I can remember when you had to actually win to get a trophy.

• The other day a police officer stopped my wife, telling her: “This is a one-way street, ma'am!” “So what's the problem?” she asked. “I'm only going one way!”

• During labor, the pain is so great that a woman can almost imagine what a man feels like when he has a cold.

• The other day my cat clarified our relationship: “Let me explain something to you. I am not your pet; you are mine.”

• I just “paid backward” by telling the drive-through person that the guy in the car behind me is paying for my food.

* THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: God always answers prayers, but sometimes He says “no.”