Dear Gabby

 Dear Gabby

* Have a problem? Write to “Dear Gabby.” She might not be able to help you, but she’ll always have an interesting reply to your predicament.

Dear Gabby: My wife is extremely close to her father. Once I asked if her dad and I were both falling out of a plane, and she could only save one of us, which one would it be? I was hurt to the core when she answered “Dad.” What should I do? Answer: Buy a parachute.

Dear Gabby: Ten years ago I met a lady I believed was “Miss Right,” but the marriage ended in just two years. What went wrong? Answer: You did not realize her first name was “Always.”

Dear Gabby: A friend told me that eating carrots improves one’s eyesight. Is that true? Answer: It must be. Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?

Dear Gabby: What would you call a guy at the office who knows nothing but tells everybody else what to do and how to do it? Answer: “Boss.”

Dear Gabby: Alice and I were very happy for the first twenty-five years, but now all we do is fight. What went wrong? Answer: After twenty-five years you met each other.

Dear Gabby: It seems I’m always forgiving my husband for one thing or another. Is that wrong? Answer: No. A good wife is always willing to forgive a husband whenever she’s wrong.

Dear Gabby: My former best friend has stolen my husband. What would be the best revenge? Answer: Let her have him.

Dear Gabby: How can I get my husband to be more attentive and to listen carefully to everything I say? Answer: Talk in your sleep.

Dear Gabby: I believe a man is incomplete until he gets married. Do you agree? Answer: Yes. Then he’s finished.

Dear Gabby: For the last six months my husband has been acting like he is a chicken. Should I be concerned? Answer: No. Just enjoy the free eggs.

Dear Gabby: My wife has been hounding me to take her someplace she’s never been. Any suggestions? Answer: Take her to your kitchen.

Dear Gabby: I’d like to find a 60-year-old man with no major faults. Will this task be difficult? Answer: Why don’t you seek something easier, like world peace?

Dear Gabby: My husband tells me my teeth remind him of the stars. Is this a compliment? Answer: Yes, if he means that they are bright and gleaming. No, if they remind him of stars because they come out at night.

Dear Gabby: Since I work at a bakery, I am allowed to take home as many free cookies as I want. Will they make me fat? Answer: Only if you eat them.

Dear Gabby: There is a new “Divorced Barbie” doll out. What comes with it? Answer: Everything that Ken had owns.

Dear Gabby: Shouldn’t marriage be when two people become one? Answer: Yes, but the problem is deciding which one.

Dear Gabby: How can I learn about all my deficiencies? Answer: Get married.

Dear Gabby: In this country so much emphasis is placed upon physical beauty. Is there any benefit to being ugly? Answer: Yes. You don’t have to buy a Halloween mask.

Dear Gabby: I’ve always wanted to learn about my family history but I have no money to pursue that activity. What should I do? Answer: Run for public office.

Dear Gabby: I weigh over 400 pounds. Is my weight problem simply a result of a lack of willpower? Answer: No. Your problem is most likely due to a lack of “won’t power.”

Dear Gabby: Two friends and I were deep-sea fishing when the boat began to leak. Luckily, we landed on a deserted island before the boat sank. One of my friends, an attorney, swam through shark-infested waters to get help. Unbelievably, not one shark touched him. Can you explain this? Answer: Professional courtesy.

Dear Gabby: My wife of twenty-five years left me and took our dog with her. How will I ever recover from this tragedy? Answer: I don’t know. A good dog is hard to find.

Dear Gabby: I’ve been told that I have bad breath. Is this an awful condition? Answer: It could be worse; you could have no breath at all. Then you would be dead.