Take it from a Former Super Hero: Superman would have Vaporized the Batman

Several years ago I was offended while watching a movie about two great superheroes-Superman and Batman-engaged in mortal combat. My anger grew as Batman killed the second-best superhero ever (next to my cousin). The idea of such a thing is preposterous.

During my childhood years, I spent many hours collecting discarded pop bottles so that the deposits on each could be redeemed. Usually, the money never left the store; I'd buy the latest Superman or Batman comic books. Every now and then the two crime fighters would be featured together! They worked well as a team, and each respected his partner.

I am not just your ordinary citizen speaking here. While still little kids, my cousin and I became superheroes in our own right. Donning bath towels on our backs and sacks over our faces, “Super Dave” (Who happens to be, in my humble opinion, the number one crime fighter of all time) and I saved many chickens, ducks, and hogs living on our grandfather's farm from a fate worse than death (Unfortunately, their arch-enemy-Grandpa-butchered many of these hapless creatures while we were not there to protect them).

Due to back and knee problems, I have been forced to retire from the Legion of Super Dudes, but I've heard that my cousin, although semi-retired, still occasionally leaps (okay, shuffles) into action. Although he no longer handles such big cases as dealing with invaders from Mars, Super Dave can still be seen giving citations for jaywalking and spitting on the sidewalk.

Several summers ago, while my son was home from college for summer vacation, I amazed him by remembering the most minute details of old Zorro TV shows. Evidently, I had this great power of recall simply because I loved the show so much. On the other hand, please do not ask me what I had for breakfast today (Did I have breakfast?).

Many moons ago, after much begging and pleading, my parents finally bought me a Zorro outfit consisting of a cape, mask, hat, and plastic sword. Chalk on the end of the sword was optional. Despite my pleas, Dad would not get me the sword with the chalk, for he was afraid I'd write on his walls. Being a superhero, I would never do that, but I can't vouch for my sisters (I still wouldn't trust them with chalk).

Anyway, on an extremely cold winter evening, the family walked over to our neighbor's house for a little social time. As usual, after exiting the house Mom locked the door. A few hours later, upon our return, we discovered that neither Dad nor Mom had a key! Were we doomed to freeze to death? Not when there was a superhero around!

Our house was pretty old, so it came equipped with a little chute for dumping coal into a basement room. After Dad opened it, I handed my sister my trusty sword before sliding down a pile of coal into the murky darkness. Kids, don't try this. Only trained superheroes should ever attempt such a dangerous feat.

Feeling along one of the walls, I finally found the doorknob. After entering the main part of the basement, I carefully worked my way up the darkened stairs. Once in the kitchen, I flipped on the lights before unlocking the door to the living room.

Just think, if we had not had a trained superhero in the family, the next day neighbors would have discovered six frozen carcasses lying in the driveway. As a gesture of appreciation, I think my siblings should chip in for a statue of my own likeness. Nothing big-maybe just twenty feet high or so, with proper lighting during the hours of darkness.

Anyway, as you can see, I am an expert on superheroes. One super dude would never attempt to kill another one! I must have read a few thousand Superman and Batman comic books during my youthful years, and I can tell you that I never read about those two great crime fighters arguing, let alone trying to kill each other.

In the movie, Batman collected kryptonite, the only thing (besides the Lawrence Welk Show) that can kill Superman. Well, Superman is no dummy. If Batman tried to destroy him, the “Caped Crusader” would simply get into position about a mile away before using his heat vision to turn Batman into a pile of ashes. End of story.

We superheroes take an oath to do only good things. Remember that the next time Super Dave gives you a ticket for jay walking or smacks you in the shin with his cane. It's all for your own good. You're welcome.