Things to Think About

All dogs deserve a home, but not all homes deserve a dog.

• “I'm sure wherever my dad is, he's looking down on us. He's not dead, just very condescending.” Jake Whitehall.

• Are slugs just divorced male snails?

• “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” Steve Martin.

• I must be getting old. Now it takes me all day to get nothing done.

• A sign in the restaurant's restroom said: “Employers Must Wash Hands.” I waited for twenty minutes but no employee showed up.

• “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.” Abraham Lincoln.

• My mouth waters whenever I smell a steak. I wonder if a vegan's mouth waters whenever he mows the lawn.

• “Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.” Sam Levenson.

• Shouldn't tossing and turning at night count as exercise?

• I became a legend in the Old West, not for being a cowboy or a villain, but for being a comic. I was known as Billy the Kidder.

• “If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.” Steve Wright.

• “By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” Robert Frost.

• “Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.” Greg Tamblyn.

• “Twenty years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope, and Steve Jobs. Now we have no cash, no hope, and no jobs. Please don't let Kevin Bacon die.” Bill Murray.

• “Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.” Dennis Whiley.

• If you're not supposed to eat at night, then why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?

• “The problem with stealing quotes off the Internet is you never know if they are genuine.” George Washington.

• “Always go to other people's funerals. Otherwise, they won't come to yours.” Yogi Berra.

• We can't even rob Peter to pay Paul anymore. Peter's also broke.

• “Free speech is only relevant if we allow people that you don't like to say things you don't like.” Elan Musk.

• “I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I'm lying.” Rita Rudner.

• Sometimes I wonder why I'm not in an insane asylum. Then I look around and realize I already am.

• “Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” Will Ferrell.