I'm an Expert on George Washington

 

The other day my wife and I watched a TV show about our nation's presidents. At the end of the program, my better half asked, “Dear, if you could have dinner with one of our presidents, which one would you choose?”

“That's easy,” I replied. “I'd select George Washington, the Father of our Country.”

“Do you know why he was called that?” she inquired.

“Sure. He was quite the playboy of those times. I think he was married six or seven times and had about eight or nine kids with each spouse.”

“That's not true! He was married just once, to Martha, and he had no biological children.”

“Well, unlike the rest of us, he didn't lie. As a matter of fact, he was so honest that he COULDN'T lie.”

“Dear, he was a politician. Don't you know there's a scientific way to tell when a politician lies?”

“No. What is it?”

“It's whenever his or her lips are moving!”

“But when George cut down his father's cherry tree he wasn't punished because he couldn't tell a lie. Honesty didn't work for me. Once I pushed our outhouse over a hill and readily admitted that I had done the deed, but Dad spanked me for it.”

“What was his reasoning?”

“He said that my case was different because George's father wasn't in that cherry tree when it was chopped down.”

“What else do you know about Mr. Washington?”

“If living today he would have been a great baseball pitcher or a remarkable football quarterback.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Everybody knows he threw a silver dollar across the mighty Potomac River.”

“That's a bunch of baloney. Major league pitchers have tried to do that, but they couldn't come close.”

“There's a reasonable explanation for that.”

“There is?”

“Yeah. Everybody knows that money doesn't go as far as it used to.”

“Do you have anything else to say?”

“Well, I imagine it is tough wearing wooden dentures. He had to deal with splinters, wood rot, and termites. Instead of brushing his teeth, he had to varnish them. Dear, why are you banging your head on the table?”

“George did use various types of dentures, but none were made of wood.”

“Well, we all know that he killed a bear when he was only three.”

“That song was about Davy Crockett, and it's not true.”

“He was the first president to live in the White House.”

“Nope. That was John Adams.”

“He pointed his bat toward the center-field wall just before knocking the ball into the center-field stands.”

“That was Babe Ruth.”

“George did it long before the Babe did, and he hit it so hard that it flew right over the Potomac. Dear, please quit mumbling something about how you could have married that truck driver from Cleveland.”

“Please tell me you're finished.”

“Just one more thing, dear. Mr. Washington was no couch potato. Unlike modern folks, he spent relatively little time watching TV.”

“ You should become a news anchor, dear.”

“Because I'm so handsome and knowledgeable?”

“No, because you are so good at giving fake news.”