Cheapo Airlines

While comparing airline ticket prices, I noticed that one company, Cheapo, offered the lowest price. “How can Cheapo stay in business with such low rates?” I asked myself. It didn't take long to find the answer.

After presenting my boarding pass, I began climbing the steps to the plane's entrance. “Stop right there, Bub!” commanded a stewardess. “Go to the front of the plane and spin the propeller.”

Bewildered, I asked: “Why would a customer have to help start the plane?”

She replied: “This cuts costs. If we can recruit passengers, we won't have to pay an employee to do the job.”

Once inside the plane, I was assigned to milk bucket number 7A. “Why do I have to sit on a milk bucket?” I inquired.

“You don't; for an extra $25, you can upgrade to a regular seat.”

So I forked over twenty-five clams. Substituting a seatbelt for a rope cost me an additional $10.

Before takeoff, the stewardess announced: “If we lose air pressure, simply drop ten quarters into the coin machine by your seat. Then a mask will drop from the ceiling. If you would like oxygen to flow through it, add another five dollars in coins. If you are traveling with children, cover your own face first. If you have more than one kid, then we will see which one you like best.”

I must say the menu offered what seemed like tasty treats, but when the stewardess arrived at my seat, she gave me only a glass of water and a piece of stale bread.

Protesting, I remarked: “Hey, I want the steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, and wine.”

“You don't like the bread and water? It was good enough for the Titanic passengers in steerage. Okay, the food upgrade will be $40.”

After all the passengers had finished their meals, the uniformed lady told me I had an option: I could collect all the plates, silverware, and cups, or I could pay a $25 fee. I paid.

I was startled to discover that the bathroom door was locked. The stewardess kindly informed me that for a mere $25 she would loan me the key to open it. Once inside I discovered there was no toilet paper. They offered sections of T.P. for only three bucks each, but one had to pay in advance. After this experience, both my kidneys and my wallet were lighter.

An elderly lady making her first flight asked the stewardess: “Ma'am, will the pilot get us down safely?”

“Don't worry, toots,” the stew replied. “He hasn't left anyone up here yet.”

After a three-hour flight, the stewardess, using a t. p. roll as a bullhorn, announced: “We are approaching your destination. Please have your seatbelts or ropes fastened, and put your seats or buckets straight up in their most agonizing positions.”

Several passengers bounced into the aisle as we made a rather bumpy landing. Since the plane's brakes did not work, we were asked to drag our feet. That smarts!

The stewardess made one more announcement: “I'm rather surprised we made a safe landing, especially since our pilot is legally blind and an alcoholic. Anyway, the last five passengers on the plane will be retained to either clean up this mess or pay a $35 fee.”

Several passengers were injured as they pushed and shoved each other in an attempt not to be among the last five on the plane. I paid the fee.

That night in my motel room I did a little figuring. When all was said and done, this particular flight cost me $40 more than the previously most expensive one. Cheap my foot!