Tipping

Recently my wife asked me what my policy is on tipping.

“I don't tip anymore,” I replied.

Startled, she said: “That's awful! Why not?”

“A couple months ago, while walking past farmer Brown's pasture, I spotted one of his cows, still standing but asleep. With all my might, I ran into its side but simply bounced off her like a rubber ball slammed against a concrete wall. Hurt my back. I'm in no hurry to try that again!”

“Not that kind of tipping, you fool! I mean when you give a server extra money for doing a good job.”

“Why didn't you say so? If the server is friendly and comes around a few times to see if I need anything, then I give them 25-30 percent of the bill as a tip. If they have a bad attitude, I might lower the tip to 10 percent.”

“Give me an example of a bad attitude.'”

“Don't you remember that smarty pants waiter we had last month? I was ticked off when I found a fly in my soup, but when he was called over and I asked just what that insect was doing in there, he snarlingly replied: 'It looks like the backstroke to me.' I don't give big tips for jokes unless I'm at a comedy club.”

My better half replied:” I'd still give that person a full tip if they gave me a fresh bowl of soup.”

“There was an even worse case last year. My cousin and I stopped at a restaurant where they had signs proclaiming human hands never touch the food being prepared and served.”

“That sounds great! I'd give a big tip for that.”

“Well,true to their word, the server used a pair of tongs to serve the food and drinks. He said they were so concerned about cleanliness that the workers are not even allowed to touch themselves when they go to the bathroom.”

“Then how did he go to the bathroom?” my better half asked.

When I asked him that question, he said, “That's easy; I use these tongs.”

“We didn't leave a tip. In fact, we didn't even eat the food.”

“Okay, I go along with you there. Do you have another example?”

“Yes, a while ago I ate at an automated restaurant. From the computer on the wall, you pick what you want to eat, pay for it, get the receipt, and then get your own drinks, plates, and utensils. Eventually, a person behind the counter calls your number. You then go to the counter and get your meal. After finishing the meal there are special containers for the customers to put their plates and silverware and trash bins for disposable products.”

“You didn't leave a tip?”

“No. They dared to put a space on the receipt for a tip, but except for the cooking, I did everything myself. I'll try tipping a cow again before I tip someone who gives no service.”