Tipping

Recently my wife asked me what my policy is on tipping.

“I don't tip anymore,” I replied.

Startled, she said: “That's awful! Why not?”

“A couple months ago, while walking past farmer Brown's pasture, I spotted one of his cows, still standing but asleep. With all my might, I ran into its side but simply bounced off her like a rubber ball slammed against a concrete wall. Hurt my back. I'm in no hurry to try that again!”

“Not that kind of tipping, you fool! I mean when you give a server extra money for doing a good job.”

“Why didn't you say so? If the server is friendly and comes around a few times to see if I need anything, then I give them 25-30 percent of the bill as a tip. If they have a bad attitude, I might lower the tip to 10 percent.”

“Give me an example of a bad attitude.'”

“Don't you remember that smarty pants waiter we had last month? I was ticked off when I found a fly in my soup, but when he was called over and I asked just what that insect was doing in there, he snarlingly replied: 'It looks like the backstroke to me.' I don't give big tips for jokes unless I'm at a comedy club.”

My better half replied:” I'd still give that person a full tip if they gave me a fresh bowl of soup.”

“There was an even worse case last year. My cousin and I stopped at a restaurant where they had signs proclaiming human hands never touch the food being prepared and served.”

“That sounds great! I'd give a big tip for that.”

“Well,true to their word, the server used a pair of tongs to serve the food and drinks. He said they were so concerned about cleanliness that the workers are not even allowed to touch themselves when they go to the bathroom.”

“Then how did he go to the bathroom?” my better half asked.

When I asked him that question, he said, “That's easy; I use these tongs.”

“We didn't leave a tip. In fact, we didn't even eat the food.”

“Okay, I go along with you there. Do you have another example?”

“Yes, a while ago I ate at an automated restaurant. From the computer on the wall, you pick what you want to eat, pay for it, get the receipt, and then get your own drinks, plates, and utensils. Eventually, a person behind the counter calls your number. You then go to the counter and get your meal. After finishing the meal there are special containers for the customers to put their plates and silverware and trash bins for disposable products.”

“You didn't leave a tip?”

“No. They dared to put a space on the receipt for a tip, but except for the cooking, I did everything myself. I'll try tipping a cow again before I tip someone who gives no service.” 

Funny Stuff to Start Your Day

• I entered an Iron Man competition. I did four shirts and three pairs of pants.

• Wife to our dog: “The neighbor tells me you are chasing people on a bicycle.” Dog: “He's lying. I don't even have a bicycle!”

• Now that I'm old, 10 PM is the new midnight.

• If you don't like Alexa listening to your conversations, switch it to the male voice. Then it won't listen to anything.

• At night what does a mama cow say to her calves? “It's pasture bedtime!”

• A Roman entered a bar, held up two fingers, and said, “Five beers, please.”

• I'm frightened by elevators, so I'm taking steps to avoid them.

• What's black and white and eats like a horse? A zebra.

• I burned 2,000 calories today. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

• I don't approve of political jokes; I've seen too many of them elected.

• Behind every husband who thinks he wears the pants is a wife who tells him which pants to wear.

• My grandson asked me why we ask for daily bread instead of daily donuts.

• Old age is much like your underwear; it creeps up on you.

• Every morning I open the living room door, grab the morning newspaper, and look at the obituary section. If I'm not listed I get dressed and go about my day.

• Never trust a train. It has loco motives.

• What kind of a dog can jump as high as a tall building? All kinds. A building can't jump.

• “Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much.” Oscar Wilde.

• Why do animals refuse to play poker in the jungle? There are too many cheetahs.

• I can remember when “snap,” “crackle,” and “pop” noises came from my cereal instead of my body.

• “I love you,” she said. I asked: “Is that you talking or is it the wine?” She replied: “It's me talking to the wine.”

• “You can't buy happiness, but ice ice cream comes close.

• My doctor said I need professional help. A butler, a chef, and a maid should do the trick

• The other day I tried on some things from 10 years ago and they still fit! They were an old pair of socks.

• The primary purpose of the pinkie toe is to locate furniture in the middle of the night.

• Hippos can out-swim and outrun human beings. Therefore, your only chance to beat a hippo in a triathlon is the bicycle race.

 

The Adventures of Superman

I was a big fan of the 1950s TV show, The Adventures of Superman. In fact, in an attempt to emulate my hero, at the age of six, while wearing my super outfit, which consisted of a long towel draped around my neck, I gave a big run, stretched out my arms, and attempted to fly off our back porch. Unfortunately, gravity had its way that day. So you can imagine how excited I was to discover a forgotten episode of The Man of Steel lying in the bottom of my sock drawer.

********************************************************************************************************************

Superman, looking out a window of the Daily Planet, where as Clark Kent, he works as a reporter: “Oh my gosh! That man is crossing the street against the light. This is a job for Superman!”

Several people on the street look up to see a man in leotards and a cape fly out a window of the Daily Planet.

Crowd: “It’s a bird! No, it’s a plane!” (An onlooker is hit) “@##$%%%^! It is a &%^**^&**^^* bird! “ Others: “No, it’s Superman!”

Bobby Jones, a newspaper boy stationed in front of the Daily Planet, thinks to himself: “Wow! It seems like every other day Superman flies out a window of the Daily Planet. He must be good friends with the staff. I wonder why I never see him go into the building? Maybe there’s a secret tunnel!”

Perry White, the editor of the Daily Planet: “Great Caesar’s ghost! In the last two weeks, I’ve gotten only one column out of Kent. Where in the blazes is he? “

Jimmy Olsen, cub reporter: “ Golly, Chief. I haven’t seen him since Superman showed up and took that jaywalker to jail!”

White: “ Well, find him! And don’t call me ‘Chief!’”

At noon Olsen goes to lunch with Lois Lane, a female reporter who is madly in love with the Man of Steel. Lane: “You know, Jimmy, that big sissy Clark Kent keeps asking me for a date. I’d rather die an old maid than end up with him! He’s so skinny and ugly! I can’t stand to be around him!”

Jimmy: “Golly! Beauty is only skin deep, Miss Lane.”

Lane: Then do me a favor and skin him! I’m holding out for that big hunk of superhero! What a dreamboat!”

Olsen: “Golly, Miss Lane; I think that Clark and Superman look quite a bit alike!”

Lane: “You need your eyes tested, Jimmy. They have completely different hairstyles and Clark wears glasses.”

Olsen: “Golly, Miss Lane; you’re right. What was I thinking?”

Lane: “And quit saying ‘golly’ or I’ll smack you in the chops!” (Lois was one of the few truly liberated women of the 1950s).

Meanwhile, Kent is having lunch with his good pal from Gotham City, Bruce Wayne, who is secretly the superhero, Batman. Kent: “You know, Bruce, I’m getting just a little tired of some of the members in the Justice League.”

Wayne: “Why?”

Kent: “ I really appreciate what you do with your gadgets, but some of those superheroes are not so super. Have you ever noticed that when there’s a really big problem, I either find a large chunk of kryptonite in my lunchbox or I’m sent to a goofy, far-away planet to handle some squabble among twelve-feet tall, three-headed idiots? I think some of those “lesser” heroes are just getting me out of the way so they can get all the glory.”

Wayne: “ I never did trust the Green Lantern.”

Kent: “ I know what you mean, and the Flash thinks he’s hot stuff just because he beat me in a footrace. He can’t fly, he’s a weakling, he has no x-ray vision, and bullets go right through him. The best thing he can do is run away from trouble.”

Wayne: “Wonder Woman is easy on the eyes, but she’s not the brightest bulb in the pack. That lady brags about her invisible plane but then she’s always asking me to help her find where she’d parked it, and that woman thinks nobody can see her when she’s flying the plane. All a bad guy has to do is look up into the sky and he’ll see a nice-looking lady seemingly floating along.”

After lunch, while walking back to the Daily Planet, Kent sees a robbery in progress at the Fifth Third Second Bank.

Kent: “ This is a job for Superman!”

Kent goes to the nearest telephone booth to change into his costume, but some guy is on the line talking to his girlfriend.

Kent: “ Excuse me, sir; this is an emergency! I need that phone booth!”

Guy in booth: “Drop dead, Bozo!”

In just two minutes the guy runs screaming from the booth. Using his heat vision, Kent had raised the temperature inside it to 154 degrees.

Upon entering the bank, Superman is hit in the chest by several bullets fired by the bad guys.

First bad guy: “ Hey Boss, why do we have to shoot at him? The bullets just bounce off the guy!”

Second bad guy: “It’s one of the most important bad guy rules. We must shoot at the good guys. If this was a Western we would have to miss him. Don’t forget to throw the gun at him when you run out of bullets. And don’t call me ’ Boss!’”

Back at the Planet, Kent uses his super speed to write fifty-three articles in two minutes. He takes them to Perry White.

White: “ Great Caesar’s ghost! These articles are wonderful! Lane and Olsen; why can’t you write like this? Kent, my boy, you get a big fat raise!”

Two days later, at Miss Lane’s cubicle, Jimmy Olsen speaks: “Golly. I mean wow! Yesterday I walked into the storage room and there was Clark Kent in his underwear. He was taking off a Superman outfit. Do you think Kent and Superman could be the same person?”

Lane: “ Listen to me, Jimmy; we’ve been through this several times. Clark is skinny and ugly and he is a sissy. Superman is built like a brick house and he’s the most handsome and brave man in the universe.”

Olsen: “ I still think there’s a connection, Miss Lane.”

Lane: “Look, like I’ve told you a thousand times, they comb their hair differently and Clark wears glasses.”

Olsen: “ I guess you’re right, Miss Lane. They must be two completely different people! Golly! “ (Jimmy quickly ducks). This time it’s not a bird, a plane, or even Superman; it’s one of Miss Lane’s high heels whizzing past the cub reporter’s head.

Roasting Congress

* ”This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.” Will Rogers.

* “Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.” Mark Twain.

* “You can lead a man to Congress, but you can’t make him think.” Milton Berle.

* “I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is a disgrace, that two become a law firm, and that three or more become a congress.” John Adams.

* “I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress.” Ronald Reagan.

* “We may not imagine how our lives could be more frustrating and complex-but Congress can!” Cullen Hightower.

* “It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.” Mark Twain.

* “Asking an incumbent member of Congress to vote for term limits is a bit like asking a chicken to vote for Colonel Sanders.” Congressman Bob Inglis.

* “I don’t mind what Congress does as long as they don’t do it in the streets and frighten the horses.” Victor Hugo.

* “The American Republic will endure until the day Congress discovers that it can bribe the public with the public’s money.” Alexis de Tocqueville.

* “The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn’t get worse every time Congress meets.” Will Rogers.

* “There are 249 millionaires in Congress. See, crime does pay!” Jay Leno.

* “A government big enough to give you everything you want is big enough to take away everything you have.” Thomas Jefferson.

* “We have the right as individuals to give away as much of our own money as we please in charity, but as members of Congress we have no right to appropriate a dollar of the public money.” Davy Crockett.

* “Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for.” Will Rogers.

* “Fleas can be taught nearly anything that a Congressman can.” Mark Twain.

* “With Congress, every time they make a joke it’s a law, and every time they make a law it’s a joke.” Will Rogers.

* “All Congresses and Parliaments have a kindly feeling for idiots, and a compassion for them, on account of personal experience and heredity.” Mark Twain.

* “No man’s life, liberty or fortune is safe while our legislature is in session.” Benjamin Franklin.

* “The Constitution is not an instrument for the government to restrain the people. It is an instrument for the people to restrain the government lest it comes to dominate our lives and interests.” Patrick Henry.

* “Ancient Rome declined because it had a Senate. Now what’s going to happen to us with both a House and a Senate?” Will Rogers.

* “Congress-bingo with billions.” Red Skelton.

* “If the present Congress errs in too much talking, how can it be otherwise in a body to which the people send one hundred and fifty lawyers, whose trade it is to question everything, yield nothing, and talk by the hour?” Thomas Jefferson.

* “I’m not saying this Congress is bad at its job. I’m just saying that this Congress is equivalent to a skunk with its head in a jar of Skippy peanut butter.” Jon Stewart.

* “Congress is the finest body of men money can buy.” Will Rogers.

* “A new Gallup poll shows that only 1 in 10 Americans approves of the job Congress is doing. A 10 percent rating is about the same approval rating that rabies has.” Jimmy Kimmel. 

Cola Wars

As in politics, when it comes to soda pop many folks have their favorite brand and will have no other. My daughter-in-law, for example, who is one of the most wonderful people I know, loves Coke. To her “Pepsi” is a bad word. I doubt she has ever bought the “enemy's” soft drinks.

Contrarily, a teacher I know is a Pepsi man. Back in our teaching days, I saw him put away several soft drinks, and if I remember correctly, he never chose Coke.

My late father-in-law, Jack, also was a die-hard Pepsi man. A teetotaler, he once stated that alcohol had never touched his lips, and at least until a certain visit to a store, the same may have been said about his Coke consumption.

Whenever he came to our house for dinner, we made certain there were huge supplies of mustard, jelly, chocolate ice cream, assorted candies, popcorn, pickles, and, of course, Pepsi. (His awful eating choices probably led to his early death at the age of 90!)

My wife's maternal grandmother believed all soft drinks were evil, so she banned them from her house. One evening her husband and Jack went to a nearby grocery and purchased several bottles of pop. Upon arriving home they stuck those bottles in the freezer so the pop would get nice and cold.

When they retrieved the frozen bottles from the freezer and removed the caps, the soft drinks sprayed across the room and even blasted the ceiling! The missus was not very happy, to say the least!

Not to be deterred, Jack continued to drink Pepsi products regularly. True to his word, I never saw him touch an alcoholic beverage, but he probably carbonated himself from all the soft drinks he consumed over the years.

On what seemed like a typical day, Jack entered his favorite supermarket, no doubt to pick up a few essential items such as mustard, candy, pickles, and ice cream. However, this occasion was not going to be a typical one.

In one corner of the store, a couple young ladies were asking folks to participate in a blindfolded taste test. In this case, it was Pepsi vs. Coke. Jack agreed to take the test, knowing that he would always pick Pepsi, no matter if he was blindfolded or not.

After sampling the two products, he was certain which one tasted better: “I'd definitely buy drink A; it tastes so much better than the other stuff.”

“You have selected the Coke, sir,” one of the ladies told him.

Jack couldn't believe it. Had his taste buds somehow been deceived?

He probably should not have shared this story with his family, for we never let him forget it. Meanwhile, he continued to buy and consume Pepsi products.

Many years later, we invited Jack to come to our house for supper. While the roast was in the oven my wife took a quick inventory to make certain she had all the things her father loved. We had plenty of mustard, jelly, chocolate ice cream, candy, popcorn, and pickles, but no Pepsi!

“What am I going to do?” my distressed partner asked. “We are out of Pepsi!”

Always the practical one, I calmly replied: “No problem, dear. After he sits at the table, blindfold him and give him a glass of Coke.”

Did I ever tell you sometimes my wife lacks a sense of humor? 

Some Things to Think About

 

• I tried out for the lead in a major motion picture. The director suggested I have more of a face for radio.

• Last night my wife said I don't pay any attention to her. Well, I think that's what she said.

• Don't give up your dreams-go back to bed!

• “Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.” Oscar Wilde.

• Today's moms:” I can see you're upset. Take a deep breath and use your words.” My mom: “You'd better stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about.”

• “Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” Robin Williams.

• A wise man once told his wife nothing because he was a wise man.

• “All you need is love, but a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.” Charles M. Schultz.

• One of the most terrifying times in life is when you're at someone's house and the toilet will not flush.

• “Halloween is the beginning of the holiday season. That's for women. The beginning of the holiday season for men is Christmas Eve.” David Letterman.

• I am not fat; I am just so sexy it overflows.

• You know you're getting old when you barely do anything all day, but still need a nap so you can continue doing barely anything.

• “I never forget a face, but I'll be glad to make an exception in your case.” Groucho Marx.

• Folgers has it wrong. The best part of waking up is going back to sleep after using the bathroom.

• What does an anteater take for an upset stomach? An “ant-acid.”

• “Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” Isaac Asimov.

• “I always cook with wine; sometimes I even add it to the food.” W. C. Fields.

• Why do we have enough asphalt to make sped bumps but not enough to fill potholes?

• “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?” George Carlin.

• I've never tried yoga, but I have tried bending over to pick up my car keys, so I'm pretty sure I'd hate yoga.

• “I'm at a place in my life when errands are starting to count as going out.” Anonymous.

• “I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.” Les Dawson.

• “If you come to the fork in the road, take it.” Yogi Berra.

• THAT'S ALL, FOLKS!

What I've Learned from Westerns

Back in the '50s and '60s, one could watch several westerns every evening. After Dad filled his large mug with strong black coffee and grabbed the evening newspaper, he and I settled into our favorite living room chairs to watch Gunsmoke, Bonanza, The Rifleman, Maverick, and Death Valley Days, just to name a few of our favorite “rope operas.”

While watching these old shows today, many seem rather simplified and even silly, but from them, I've learned quite a bit about the old West. For example, with few exceptions, the cowboy hero, although rugged and handsome, was not married. That's not to say that the women didn't swoon over him. However, most cowboys loved their horses far more than they could ever care about a gal.

I've never proven this, but I think there were two unions-a “good guys” union and a “bad guys” one. To be a good guy, you had to be the best shot in the land. You took an oath to never start a fight, but when push came to shove, you could certainly end it. Contrarily, to be in the union of bad guys you had to be a horrible shot. If your shooting accuracy increased, you either had to become a good guy or get into politics, where you could continue to be a bad guy.

We underestimate the technology of those long-ago days. Many of the good guys and even several bad guys had pistols that could fire fifteen to twenty shots without a reload! In addition, there was a way to make those bullets fly even faster toward the enemy: When firing the shot, you simply “threw” the bullet by thrusting out the shooting arm.

The hero's horse usually was much smarter and faster than any ridden by a bad guy. The good guy's horse could run into town to retrieve the sheriff, rise on its hind legs to attack the bad dude, and even count to twenty by using its front right hoof. That's pretty smart; these days many public school kids can't count that far!

Several Western heroes were singing cowboys. Gene Autry and Roy Rogers, for example, could hold their own in the music department. The greatest of the cowboys, John Wayne, evidently could not sing, but he didn't need to. When the Duke said he would kick your backside, you didn't need to hear it in musical verse to get the message. As for the bad guys, I don't remember any of them being capable of carrying a tune in a bucket.

Most (but not all) females in the Westerns were rather dainty, helpless little creatures. Often the bad guy tried to force a helpless lady into marriage so that he could take control of her farm, her gold, or her railroad stock. Without an altruistic cowboy hero around to rescue her, the poor gal soon would be penniless, sleeping in a corral and begging on the streets for food (Or worse yet, being forced to star in a Hallmark romance movie.)

Every good guy cowboy takes an oath to help the helpless. That is why the majority of them never settle down. Instead, they travel from town to town, looking for opportunities to save a damsel in distress, a wrongly convicted citizen, or a town from an Indian attack.

I've mentioned how handy a good guy had to be with a gun, but also he had to be talented with his fists. Even if the bad guy is twice the hero's size, the good guy is expected to beat his opponent to a pulp, and in the Westerns, that's what usually happens.

After doing his good deeds, the hero must “ride off into the sunset.” The best of the “sunset” riders was the Lone Ranger. For some reason, he could hang around town for a week, yet, when he and Tonto eventually rode away, somebody would ask: “Who was that masked man?” Just once I would have loved hearing some ornery old-timer say, “Son, that was Zorro!”

Tonto called the masked man “Kemosahbee.” This has been translated into “trusty scout” or “faithful friend,” but Tonto used the term most frequently when he was ticked off with his companion. Therefore, better translations may be “birdbrain” or “nincompoop.” But I digress.

Actually, although many white men swiped the Indians' land, the hero usually had a good relationship with Native Americans. He could no more mistreat them than he could a helpless female (In Westerns, “helpless” and “female” are redundant terms.) It was part of the code of the West, and every good guy followed it to the letter.

When I was a kid, “cowboy” seemed like a wonderful occupation. It still beats being a politician, but of course, that's an extremely low bar.