Eat Your Heart Out, Frank Sinatra!

I learned an important lesson last summer: Don't sing while the living room windows are open. About thirty minutes into my songs, I heard sirens blaring. Looking out the window, I saw an ambulance and a police car pull into my driveway. One neighbor, after hearing me, called for an ambulance because he thought I was either dying or having some other kind of physical emergency. The other neighbor called the cops, believing I was torturing a cat.

Even my beloved wife does not appreciate my wonderful singing talent. While in the shower, I belted out a few of my favorite tunes the other day. Irate, she stuck her head into the bathroom and yelled: “Don't you know how to shut up?” “No,” I replied, “but if you hum a few bars, I'll pick it up!”

Recently, my better half admitted that I sound quite a bit like Frank. “Frank Sinatra?” I asked. “No, you sound more like Frank Burns on Mash.”

Evidently, our dog likes my voice. Every time I sing, he joins in with the loudest howls I've ever heard. After wearing himself out, he crawls under the bed and stays there for the rest of the day.

When I was still an infant, my parents recognized my unique singing talent. I could lie crying in my crib for hours without Dad or Mom being concerned enough to check on me. But a chorus of “Mary had a Little Lamb” brought them running.

Our minister was not happy when I joined the choir, but now he's on my side. In fact, just about every Sunday, he requests I do a solo: “If you have to sing,” he says, “at least do it so low that we can't hear you.”

Two weeks ago, he praised me for my singing; he said it was the best effort I've ever given. I didn't have the heart to tell him that, early into the choir's song, I completely lost my voice.

Now he has completely come around to supporting me. Last week he said, “You must never leave this choir. As long as you're alive, we need you here to sing.”

Flabbergasted, I asked: “Is this because my voice is so fantastic?” The minister replied: “No. As a matter of fact, you have the most irritating voice I've ever heard.”

“Then why do you want me in the choir?” I questioned. His answer was to the point: “We can't afford to lose you. Since you've been singing, the termites, rats, bats, and mice have left this old building. You are saving us thousands of dollars in repairs.”

Thanks to my singing in the church choir, many of us witnessed what can only be called a miracle. Folks in their '80s and '90s, many of whom were in wheelchairs, for the first time in many years, were able to get up from their pews and sprint to the exit. One even jumped through a stained-glass window. God does work in mysterious ways.

Although I was not a member of the high school choir, the director called me into practice about once a month to sing in front of the choir members. He said doing so helped the singers: “Now boys and girls, listen to this guy sing, if I may call it that. Whatever you do, don't sound like him, and you'll be just fine.” As always, I was glad to help.

The choir director told me I should join the military, where my musical talents could be put to good use. In times of war, when we need to extract vital information from enemy soldiers, I could be a real asset. He suggested the enemy be tied securely to a chair. Then I would be called in to “sing” to him until he spilled the beans.

At least my grandfather never complained when I sang. Unlike others, he didn't stuff cotton into his ears or run for the hills. He simply sat in his old rocking chair, smiling, while I did my thing. Of course, Grandpa was stone deaf, but still, it was nice for once to have a cooperative audience. 

Was this Product a "Bust?"

**This is a newspaper advertisement from January 9, 1914:

“I was thin and scrawny,” writes Miss Mabel Moore. “Now, thanks to Dr. Kelly's Formula, I look like a different woman, and my bust measures five inches more than it did. The Developer certainly has done wonders for me.”

“Dr. Kelly's Formula worked miracles in my cases,” states Mrs. W. T. Stamps. “My bust measure(ment) increased six inches. It will surely do all you claim and more, too.”

“My bust is filling out since using Dr. Kelly's Formula; it is now three inches larger than it was,” declared Rose Traver, and Miss Josie Foncault adds: “Dr. Kelly's Formula is the best remedy for developing the bust. It has developed my bust four inches and I am feeling better and my complexion is better.” Then Mrs. A. Whiting writes: “My bust has changed greatly since using Dr. Kelly's Formula, increasing in both size and firmness.”

When scores of women living in all parts of this continent voluntarily testify to an increase in bust development, ranging all the way from an inch or two to six inches or more, given them by Dr. Kelly's treatment, you must admit, Mrs. or Miss Thin and Scrawny, that there must be some real merit in this Dr. Kelly method of bust developing.

Dr. Kelly's method has increased the bust measurement of thousands of women, given firm, full, beautiful bosoms, made the arms round and shapely, and the neck and shoulders plump and symmetrical. You don't have to believe in this treatment in order to develop; doubt its power all you want, but just take it and watch the hollows vanish and your figure round out to pleasing proportions. Measure yourself when you begin and again when you finish, and let the tape tell the story.

This treatment is only for women who are under-developed above the waist, building up and filling out the shrunken, flabby bosom and rounding out the arms and shoulders. It should NOT be used to increase the hips as it is only intended to stimulate and build up the bust.

To enable any thin, underdeveloped woman whose bust is three or more inches less than it should be. To make a test of Dr. Kelly's Formula, we will mail a 50-cent package absolutely free. Either the treatment will increase your measurements or it won't, and the only way is to try it. Send for this Free Test package today, enclosing 10 cents to help pay postage, packing, etc., and a full size 50-cent package will be sent by return mail free of charge.

**I hope the customers used plastic gloves when applying this product. Otherwise, they may have developed hands the size of a catcher's mitt! 

Breaking the Rules is a Part of Growing Up

An important part of growing up is occasionally breaking a few rules. Of course, this should not include rules and laws that protect ourselves and others. However, even when bad choices are made, young people must begin thinking for themselves.

Every Christmas Dad bought a basket of the most wonderful chocolate candies. Unfortunately, we kids were each offered a piece about once a week until Christmas Day arrived. That is cruel and unusual punishment for a self-described “chocoholic.”

Therefore, through trial and error, I became an expert at opening the basket, taking out a couple pieces of delectable candy, and then rearranging the remaining sweets so that Dad would not realize that the basket had been invaded. The toughest part was learning how to re-wrap the wire on the lid so that no one would suspect the candy had been messed with.

During my high school years, I faced a midnight curfew on Friday and Saturday nights. Usually, I followed that rule, but one evening my date and I wanted to see a movie that was playing only in a town thirty miles away. Mustering all my courage, I asked Dad if I could stay out later because the movie we wanted to see was the last one on the docket. Surprisingly, he agreed.

What I did not tell him was that the movie we wanted to see was thirty miles away. You see, Dad's car was his pride and joy. It had to be washed even when it was not dirty, and we polished it so many times I'm surprised we didn't wear off the paint. Therefore, I didn't think he would trust me to drive his favorite possession to another town.

So we drove to that city, watched the film, and then made our way back home. Unfortunately, just a few miles from our destination, I discovered we had a flat tire. Opening the trunk, I got out the jack and the tire iron. Fear hit me like a run-away cement truck when I discovered the tire iron was the wrong size! Dad had just recently bought the car, so I assume as the workers cleaned the automobile they grabbed the first tire iron in sight and threw it into the trunk.

I had stopped at a hotel parking lot to change the tire, so I began knocking on hotel room doors. Several folks did not respond; the others told me more or less to take a flying leap. Spotting a house on a hill across the street, I instructed my date to lock the car doors while I went for help. The lady of the house was not too pleased that I was knocking on her door at one-thirty in the morning. She used some descriptive words that thankfully I have not heard since.

When all hope seemed lost, the kindly husband came to the door, asked what the problem was, and then instructed me to get his tire iron out of the back of his pickup truck. That trusting soul then told me to simply put it back in the truck once the job was completed.

Thank goodness it was the correct size. Since these were the days before cell phones, after fixing the flat I headed to the nearest phone booth (Kids, check with Grandpa if you've never heard of such a thing.) After telling Dad about the flat tire and the unusable tire iron, I hustled my date to her house and then raced home. If Dad had learned the entire story I'd probably be pushing up daisies!

Sneaking into the house late was not an easy task, for one had to walk down a squeaky hallway while looking into the faces of the old folks, whose room was at the end of the hall. During the daylight hours, while no one else was around, I memorized which boards did not squeak so that I would not arouse Mom from her slumber, because she was a light sleeper

Quickly veering off to the right into my own bedroom, I jumped under the covers while still wearing my clothes, because often Mom would awaken and stick her head into my room to see if I was there.

One night my sister came home late. Luckily, she had changed into her nightgown before going to the restroom. The sink was supported by two metal rods. Unfortunately, she knocked one of them onto the tile floor, which awakened the entire household. She got off the hook by saying she had been sleeping before going to the bathroom.

Now that I look back on these shenanigans, I wonder how many times my kids pulled this kind of stuff on me? On second thought, I don't want to know. 

Points to Ponder

* Even a broken watch is correct two times each day.

* Our parents seem to get smarter as we age.

• Socialism works fairly well until you run out of other people's money.

• By remaining silent, some people may think you are a fool. Speak up, and you might remove any doubts.

• Most people are about as happy as they choose to be.

• No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

• Some folks need to be the center of attention. They want to be the bride at the wedding, the baby at the christening and the “dearly departed” at the funeral.

• Maybe there's no fool like an old fool, but I've seen some young ones who could give their elders a run for their money.

• The five most important words in any marriage are “I'm sorry” and “I love you.”

• If racism isn't wrong then nothing is wrong.

• If creatures from outer space were exploring our planet, they would no doubt report back home that no intelligent life forms were found here (especially if they watched our news channels).

• An acquaintance once accused me of being two-faced. If I had another face, do you really think I'd be wearing this one?

• Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside a dog it's too dark to read.

• Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow we may diet.

• My wife insists that I live by two rules. 1. The wife is always right. 2. Whenever she is wrong, refer to rule one.

• In the end, my wife usually lets me have her way.

• If each year of life brings additional wisdom, then I should be a genius by now.

• It is said that politics is the second-oldest profession but oftentimes it seems much like the first.

• Scientists have discovered a way to know when politicians are lying. It's whenever they move their lips.

Laughter is the Best Medicine

• Spilling coffee is the adult equivalent of losing your balloon.

• Cat cheerleaders: “Nap on the sofa! Nap in the den! Nap in the kitchen! Then do it all again!”

• I'm not getting old. I'm just becoming a classic!

• Remember when, as kids, we made prank calls? Now spam calls are paying us back!

• My wife scolded our cat just because she sold our dog on EBAY.

• I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth, but I was raised with a wooden spoon on my backside.

• My cat wrote this for me on Valentine's Day: “This is Valentine's Day and I want you to smile, so when I have to throw up, I'll do it on tile!”

• Chocolate is vital to our survival. Dinosaurs didn't have chocolate, so look what happened to them.

• Noses are red, fingers are blue. I'm sick and tired of winter. How about you?

• How can a cemetery raise its burial prices and then blame it on the cost of living?

• Once you hit 70 you have to sit on the edge of the bed and warm up like an old Chevy.

• My doctor asked if any members of my family suffered from insanity. I replied: “No, they all seem to enjoy it.”

• Wanted: Someone to brush their teeth with me because 9 out of 10 dentists say brushing alone won't stop tooth decay.

• My door was ajar, so I added jelly. Now it's a door jam.

• The shortest and best will: “Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.”

• When women reach a certain age, they begin buying dogs. The medical term for this is “many paws.”

• Don't tell any secrets in the garden. The potatoes have eyes, the corn has ears, and the beanstalk.

• It's been two years since I joined a gym, but I'm yet to see any results, so tomorrow I'm going there in person to see the problem.

• I'm suing the makers of Thin Mints for false advertising.

• The first thing I do each morning is grab the newspaper and look at the obituaries. If I'm not listed, I get dressed and go about my day.

• A police officer stopped me while I was driving down a busy city street. “Sir, do you know this is a one-way street?” he asked. “What's the big deal?” I replied. “I was only going one-way.”

• We are told that it is difficult for a wealthy person to get into Heaven. I wonder if any politicians have made it yet?

• My good friend is getting a divorce from the woman he has called “Miss Right.” Only recently had he discovered her first name was “Always.”

 

To all the Cows I've Milked Before

To all the Cows I’ve Milked Before* Sung to the tune, “To all the Girls I've Loved Before.”

To all the cows I’ve milked before

Who traveled in and out of my barn door

I’m glad they came along, I dedicate this barnyard song

To all the cows I’ve milked before.

To all the cows whose udders I’ve caressed

And may I say I’ve milked the very best

For giving us milk to grow, I owe a lot I know

To all the cows I’ve milked before.

Those cows had gas-they were always blowing

Al Gore said they shouldn’t stay

But they can be simply fed by mowing

And baling up some hay.

To all the cows that I would greet

Most have now been ground up into meat

I’m glad they came along, I dedicate this barnyard song

To all the cows I’ve milked before.

To all my cows-they were special girls

They’re roasting now on someone’s grills

They still live within my heart, though they weren’t so very smart

To all the cows I’ve milked before.

Those cows had gas-they were always blowing

Al Gore said they shouldn’t stay

But they can be simply fed by mowing

And baling up some hay.

To all the cows I’ve milked before

Who traveled in and out of my barn door

I’m glad they came along, I dedicate this barnyard song

To all the cows I’ve milked before.

To all the cows I’ve milked before

Who traveled in and out of my barn door

I’m glad they came along, I dedicate this barnyard song

To all the cows I’ve milked before.

 

Predictions that didn't Pan Out

1.“The horse is here to stay but the automobile is only a novelty.” (1903). The President of the Michigan Savings Bank.

2. “Remote shopping, while entirely feasible, will flop.” (1968). Time Magazine.

3. “Television won't last because people will soon get tired of staring at a plywood box every night.” (1946). Darryl Zanuck.

4. “Who the h*** wants to hear actors talk?” H. M. Warner of the Warner Brothers' movie studio.

5. “This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” William Orton, Western Union president.

6. “Before man reaches the moon your mail will be delivered within hours from New York to Australia by guided missile. We stand on the threshold of rocket mail.” Postmaster General Arthur Summerfield.

7. “It will be gone by June.” (1955). Variety Magazine predicted the quick demise of rock and roll.

8. “There is not the slightest indication that nuclear energy will ever be obtainable. It would mean that the atom would have to be shattered at will.” (1932). Albert Einstein.

9. “Movies are a fad. Audiences want to see live actors on stage.” Charlie Chaplin.

10. “I think there is a market for maybe five computers.” (1943). Thomas Watson, IBM chairman.

11. “Reagan doesn't have that presidential look.” (1964). A United Artists executive explained why he rejected Ronald Reagan as the lead in a film.

12. “Rail travel at high speeds is impossible because passengers, unable to breathe, would die of asphyxia.” (1830). Dr. Dionysius Lardner.

13. “Space travel is bunk.” (1957). Stated by the astronomer Sir Harold Spencer Jones just two weeks before the Russians sent Sputnik into orbit.

14. “We don't like the sound and guitar music is on the way out.” (1962). The Decca Recording Company explaining why it saw no future for the Beatles.

15. “When the Paris Exhibition closes, electric light will close with it and no more will be heard of it.” (1878). Erasmus Wilson.

16. “A rocket will never be able to leave Earth's atmosphere.” (1920). New York Times.

17. “Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau.” (1929). Economics professor Irving Fisher. This was stated just before the Great Depression began.

18.“If excessive smoking actually plays a role in the production of lung cancer, it seems to be a minor one.” (1954). W. C. Heuper, National Cancer Institute.

19. “There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in his home.” (1977). Ken Olson.

20.“X-rays will prove to be a hoax.” (1883). Lord Kelvin.

*** Let's not be too critical of the folks who made such wrong predictions. Remember what the great baseball player and philosopher, Yogi Berra, once said: “It's tough to make predictions, especially about the future.”