Newspaper Ads from the 'Roaring' Twenties."

10-11-1923: “J. C. Penney Co. 475 Department Stores. 326 Main St.- Zanesville, Ohio. THIS NEW STORE Serves You Well! Service means Satisfaction and Low Prices. This Store was established to give that kind of Service. It is a link in the World's Largest Chain Department Store Organization. It expects to succeed in proportion to the service it renders its customers. You'll like this store, for it is prepared to serve you well. J. C. Penney Co.”

11-10-1923: “The 1924 Model Studebaker Light-Six Coupe-Roadster... $1225. The 1924 Model Studebaker Light-Six closed cars are quality cars. They are built to endure-to give lasting satisfaction. Both body and chassis are produced in Studebaker plants where painstaking craftsmanship has always been the rule-and the practice.

By manufacturing complete motors, transmissions, axles, frames, bodies, tops, castings, forgings, and stampings, parts-makers' profits are eliminated from costs, and one profit only is included in Studebaker prices. Phone or call for demonstration. MORRISON MOTOR CAR CO. 218 Main Street.”

3-10-1924: “THREE-YEAR LUBRICATION The New Improved Longer Life for The Aerobell, the Scientific Way to Wash. Electric Vacuum Clothes Washer. The new AEROBELL lubrication system reduces wear to a minimum. Operating parts are continually covered by a film of oil. None of them is ever missed or allowed to run dry. A more smoothly and quietly running washing machine is hard to imagine. Examine a new AEROBELL at any of our stores. The American Light Co., 122-8 Main Street. Bell 2478.”

3-10-1924: “VARNISH and GROUND COLOR 75 cents (per) QUART. Wall Paper Cleaner 3 Cans 25 cents. Everything in Housecleaning Needs. FOGG'S Central Drug Store Fifth and Market. Phone 212. Motor Delivery.”

7-8-1924: “See 'Em Today, Sir. $2.50, $3.00, $3.50. STRAW HATS. A style to Suit Every Man, Plain and Fancy Braids, Rough or Smooth Edge. (Starting at $1.95). Mr. Man! - Come in today for your 'Straw.' We have a great variety for you to select from- included are Sennets, fancy Barkahalu braids in straight or saw edge brims. See a whole window full of them at $1.95. The A.E. STARR CO.”

12-3-1924: “35 cents-NOON LUNCH-35 cents. Wednesday-Fresh Pork, Sauerkraut, Mashed Potatoes, Rolls, Butter, Coffee, Tea or Milk...35 cents. -Waffles with Sausage...Steaks, Chops, Oysters. HAZEL GAYLE PULLMAN, Main at 5th-Downstairs. Under Baird & Shurts.”

2-25-1925: “-And then we label it HEINZ, one of the 57. Throughout fifty-five years of achievement in the making of wholesome, nourishing foods, the name Heinz has come to be more than a designation. It has come to mean a standard of quality, and as such is our greatest asset, to be safeguarded at all times, at all costs.

Every individual package is the gauge of the other millions of packages of Heinz 57 Varieties of Pure Food Products made for world consumption. There must never be the least deviation in quality. To slight one would be to belittle all. Therefore, the label goes on last. It is our own stamp of approval and your assurance that your money could buy nothing better.

Of all the things we make there is no Variety that is better known than Heinz Tomato Ketchup. It is ... different-it is better-it is the best that can be made. OUR NAME IS OUR GREATEST ASSET. When you come to Pittsburgh visit the Heinz kitchens.”

4-4-1925: “PLAYER PIANO ROLLS. A large shipment of Q.R.S. and Vocal style Rolls just received. -Come in and try them over.- THE MUNSON MUSIC CO. Everything Musical. Third and Main Sts.”

10-7-1925: “NASH-Leads the World in Motor Car Value. The New ADVANCED SIX SEDAN, $1485. SPECIAL SIX SEDAN, $1265. Outside and inside-in the engineering and the body craftsmanship-in completeness and quality of fittings and appointments-this new Advanced Six Sedan clearly leads its field. COLGAN & GRANGER NASH CO. Sixth at Bridge.”

8-14-1926: “QUALITY PLUS ECONOMY. To buy good food is an economy-Buying it at your A & P store is an added economy. MEAT MARKET-712 MAIN ST. Pot Roast Beef...12 ½ cents; Chuck Roast...18 cents; Hamburg...15 cents; Shoulder Beef Roast...20 cents; Rib or Loin Pork Chops...30 cents; Pork Roast...25 cents; Sirloin Steak...28 cents; Veal Chops...23 cents; Veal Stew...15 cents.”

Battle of the Sexes

• Why are dumb blonde jokes one-liners? So men can remember them.

• What did the blonde say when the doctor told her she was pregnant? “I wonder if it's mine.”

• What do you give a man who has everything? Penicillin.

• Men don't make mistakes; they date them.

• Why can't men get Mad Cow Disease? Because they're all pigs.

• When a lady entered her favorite pizzeria, she was asked if she wanted her usual large pizza cut into twelve pieces. “No,” she replied. “I'm not very hungry tonight, so cut it into six pieces.”

• How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

• A guy asked his girlfriend to check if his right front directional signal was working. She replied: “Yes, no, yes, no...”

• What's the difference between government bonds and men? Government bonds eventually mature.

• Bill taught his wife all about housekeeping. After their divorce, she kept the house (and almost everything else).

• How is a man like the weather? Nothing can be done to change either of them.

• How do you keep a woman busy for hours? Write “turn over” on both sides of a piece of paper.

• If a man and a woman jumped off a high building at the same time, which one would land first? The woman, the guy would get lost on the way down.

• My friend Joe is getting a divorce. “When you married her, you called her 'Miss Right,' “ I reminded him. “I didn't know her first name was 'Always,'” he replied.

• Why does psychoanalysis take less time for men than it does for women? It takes men little time to get back to their childhoods.

• There are two times in life when a man cannot understand a woman: before marriage and after marriage.

• What do you call a man with half a brain? Gifted.

• A lady was so proud of herself for putting together a puzzle in one day, while the box said 2-4 years.

• Where can you find a committed man? In a mental institution.

• Women and cats do what they want. Men and dogs have to get used to this fact.

• What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.

• Joe took his girlfriend to a football game. Before the end of the first half, she asked why the fans were so concerned about a coin. “A coin?” he asked. “Yes,” she replied. “They keep chanting, 'Get the quarter back!'"

• Why are men like commercials? You can't believe a word they say.

Going to the Fair

I think it's something in their blood. For some reason, my wife Bev and her family absolutely love fairs. Several years ago, at the state fair, we went through the animal barns so often that the critters learned our names. After several hours at the fair, the kids began asking when we were going home; a couple of hours later, the husbands were asking the same thing.

Both the children and the spouses were told in no uncertain terms that we would not be leaving until the ladies “got their money's worth.” I'm not saying we stayed a long time, but eventually the guy in charge handed my wife the key to the main gate and told her to lock up whenever (if ever?) we were ready to leave.

Okay, as my brother-in-law would say, I exaggerate, but it is true that once my wife and her family members get into a fair, it's quite a task to get them to leave. If you are married to one of my in-laws, I suggest you purchase comfortable walking shoes, a bottle of pain pills, and a copious amount of liniment.

I doubt any doctor has ever sent a patient to a fair to improve their diet. Although much of the food is delicious, a lot of it can clog your arteries about as quickly as a big clump of hair can plug your bathroom drain. All I know is that my wife craves fair food.

In my opinion, the worst food we ever bought at the fair was maple ice cream covered with bacon bits. This was the first time I've ever thrown away ice cream. What a waste.  Don't get me wrong; I like both bacon and ice cream, but not when they are served together. Certain foods should be kept away from each other, such as ketchup and peaches; prunes and pizza; and potato chips and gravy.

During our latest visit, Bev ordered deep-fried olives and lemon meringue deviled eggs. I do not like olives in any form; eating stuffed olives dipped in waffle batter and then deep-fried would just hasten my second open-heart surgery, which would not be a fun activity. I do like deviled eggs and lemon meringue pie, but like with ice cream and bacon, I prefer to consume them separately.

Evidently, since fair-goers are a captive audience, the proprietors feel they can charge the most outrageous prices, even for the strange things my wife likes to eat. Therefore, I suggested we eat at a restaurant before entering the fairgrounds, but Bev argued that no restaurant had all the “special” things she wished to eat, like ice cream with bacon, deep-fried olives, and lemon meringue deviled eggs. She's right; I know of no restaurant that serves such “delicacies.”

After spending what seemed like a small fortune on some strange foods, we went to the main auditorium to be entertained by a very good country and western singer. Country songs are often about lost loves-especially about losing wives and girlfriends. The saddest songs lament losing both the wife and the girlfriend. (My wife says this is not funny. I'll let you decide.)

On the way to the fair, we heard on the radio that scientists and engineers are making great progress when it comes to developing self-driving vehicles. Therefore, I think it's just a matter of time until we hear a country singer's sad lament about his truck leaving him:

“I gave her the best oil and the top grade of gas I always checked her air pressure before we went fishing for bass.  But today, when I looked in the garage, she was gone from her comfort zone.  My pickup hit the road.  She's all on her own.  I've lost two wives and eight girlfriends,  but they don't really count. For the love of my pickup is what love is all about.” (At this point, you may wish to yodel.)

Now back to the fair. On top of it all, I had to deal with the barkers as we strolled along the midway. One of them pointed to me and yelled, “You are 125!” “Sorry, buddy, but I weigh a little more than that,” I replied. “I wasn't guessing your weight,” he said. “I was guessing your age.”

I'm not complaining about sore feet, an aching back, a thinner wallet, or a sense of boredom. Spending hour after hour at the fair is worth it if that's what makes my wife happy. Furthermore, I'd rather be in a boring situation with my wife than in the most exciting one without her by my side.

Now if only I can get her past the deep-fried chocolate-covered strawberries dipped in lard, on the way to the parking lot. The animals told us to hurry back and hoped we would have a safe trip home.

You're a Young Whippersnapper if...

*You have never driven a car with a standard transmission.

*You never owned a black and white TV set.

*You've never made a call from a telephone booth.

*You do not know what a telephone booth is.

*You never owned an automobile without air conditioning, power brakes, and power steering.

*You never bought a Bing Crosby record.

*You have no idea what a record is.

*You have never heard of Bing Crosby.

*You don't remember the Ed Sullivan Show.

*Your parents or grandparents didn't force you to watch the Lawrence Welk Show on Saturday nights.

*When a kid, you couldn't buy candy “cigarettes” and “cigars” made from bubble gum.

*You attended a middle school instead of a junior high.

*Your teachers didn't own and use paddles.

*You have never heard of Bazooka Joe.

*You have never read Mad Magazine.

*You have never slept in the basement on hot summer nights.

*You didn't watch the Roy Rogers Show on Saturdays.

*You don't remember ladies wearing can-cans under their dresses.

*The highlight of your day is not a nap.

*Your doctors are older than your underwear.

* Instead of doctors, police officers are telling you to slow down.

*Due to grade inflation, all your school classmates' grades were above average.

*Your children are not yet retired.

*Your neck does not yet look like a turtle neck sweater.

*You still have more hair on your head than in your ears.

*A friend with benefits is not a person who can still drive.

*You didn't fall asleep while reading this article. 

Who Needs Scary Movies When You Have the Real Thing?

From about the age of five, I began watching “monster” movies during Halloween time. There was Frankenstein, The Mummy, Dracula, and even humorous monster flicks starring Abbott and Costello. Evidently, I'm still a kid at heart, for I still watch these shows during the Halloween season. However, once during my childhood, just a month or so before Halloween, I had a real-life experience that was scarier than anything Hollywood could ever invent.

It was what seemed like a typical Saturday afternoon. I had just finished playing softball with my buddies and was looking forward to watching the Baseball Game of the Week with Dizzy Dean and Pee Wee Reese, but first, I needed a bath.

Our bathroom was at the top of the stairs. If one took a left out of the bathroom, they would see a bedroom on the right and another one at the end of the hall. Anyone going into or out of either of those rooms had to either walk past the bathroom or somehow fly through an upstairs window. (We did have an “old bat” living in the neighborhood. Could she have been the culprit?)

While relaxing in the warm water, there was nothing sinister going on in my mind. As a matter of fact, I was wondering if Mickey Mantle would hit a home run or if Whitey Ford would be pitching.

It seemed like a perfect day. Except for Mom, who was in the kitchen, I had the house to myself. My sisters weren't around to ruin the day by demanding to watch some kind of goofy girl stuff on the TV set.

While running all that baseball stuff through my brain, I began to hear the back- and- forth motion of the old rocking chair in my parents' room at the end of the hall. Thinking perhaps one of my sisters or my brother had come home, I cried out: “Who's out there?”

The only reply was the continuing rocking of the chair. Either I was dim-witted or just deeply into baseball, for I still had no fear. Instead, I once again asked: “Who's out there?” The rocking continued.

After quietly exiting the tub, for modesty's sake, I wrapped a towel around myself before proceeding to the bathroom door. There, with my right hand on the knob, I could still hear the creaky old chair doing its thing. My plan was to hurriedly open the door, exposing the culprit.

However, in the split second it took to throw it open, the noise had stopped. The chair was perfectly still and empty. No one could have gotten out of that chair so quickly, and if somehow they had magically done so, the only escape was to go past me.

I checked under the bed, in the closet, and even behind the set of drawers, but no one was there, at least no one I could see. Talk about slow on the draw! At that point, I was still not scared; baseball and lunch still dominated my mind. Therefore, I shrugged my shoulders and went back to the bathroom to continue my bath.

Within seconds, the rocking recommenced. That's when fear struck me like a punch to the face. Practically in one motion, I jumped from the tub, grabbed my towel, and then sprinted down the stairs in what must have been a new personal speed record. Going into the kitchen, I explained the weirdness upstairs before asking Mom to sit at the top of the steps until my bath was finished. She obliged, but let it be known that the rocking was due to a kid's imagination running wild. Later that evening, the rest of the clan agreed that I was simply imagining things, but I knew better.

A few nights later, upstairs in the other bedroom, one of my sisters was awakened by a rocking sound. Looking over at the tiny rocker next to the bed, she saw what she described as a grayish figure that was shaped like an old person. She then awakened my other sister, who was in the same bed; she heard the rocking but refused to take a peek. (Smart move!)

Since the upstairs bathroom was the only one we had, when nature called, one had no choice but to climb those steps. No doubt, I set more speed records for using the bathroom. As a matter of fact, I didn't take the time to wash my hands. After hitting about every third step on the way downstairs, I headed to the friendlier confines of the kitchen. That's where the hand-cleaning took place for the next couple of months..

After those occurrences, old Hollywood films seemed lame. Yet, I'd rather watch them than be once again scared out of my wits with the real stuff! 

You Are Really Old If...

 

*Your underwear is older than some of your doctors.

*You remember when most cars had no seat belts, air conditioning, or power steering.

*Boy Scouts begin helping you across the street.

*You used a slide rule in math class.

*A friend with benefits is considered to be someone who can still drive.

*You often use the phrase, “Back in my day.”

*You call young people “whippersnappers.”

*Most of the names in your little black book are followed by “M.D.”

*You remember watching “My Little Margie” on TV.

*Folks working in restaurants and department stores begin calling you “honey” and “sweety.”

*Your son or daughter is about to retire.

*Your grandchild asks if you voted for Lincoln.

*You answer your grandchild's question in the affirmative.

*You owned a Roy Rogers lunchbox.

*You can read cursive writing.

*You remember when churches were usually full on Sundays.

*You had teachers with paddles who were more than willing to use them.

*A hot bowl of soup trumps a hot date.

*A nap is the most rewarding part of the day.

*Any person under the age of sixty you call a “kid.”

*Someone compliments your turtleneck sweater, but you're not wearing one.

*Your “get up and go” has “gotten up and left.”

*The children and grandchildren think “your” music stinks.

*You think their music should be outlawed.

*You grew up listening to Lawrence Welk.

*Most of your exercise comes during the night when you go to the bathroom several times.

*You really start to believe your youthful years were the “good old days.”

The Kids Enjoyed my "Whoppers"

I miss the days when my daughter and son were kids. If it were possible, I'd love to live that segment of my life again. Some of the greatest memories centered around me telling them some of the most unbelievable whoppers. The kids knew these were tall tales, but they loved to hear them. My objective was twofold: To entertain them and to spark creativity.

I told the children they didn't realize how old Mom was. During her childhood years, she would pack a lunch, stand along the road, and then wait for the school stagecoach to arrive. Furthermore, I added, fire drills and tornado drills did not yet exist. Instead, when an alarm sounded at the school, Mom and her classmates grabbed their rifles and headed to their assigned slots in the wall, where they would repulse Indian raids.

It is no secret that my wife and her family love fairs, zoos, and circuses. Several years ago, when the kids were little dudes, we traveled to the state fair with my sister-in-law, brother-in-law, and their children. After a few hours at the fair, the kids wanted to go home, but the sisters aggressively vetoed that idea. A couple of hours later, the men suggested it was time to go, but to no avail.

From this true story, I exaggerated just a bit. I told the kids that Mom and her sister once went to a fair and refused to leave. They went through the animal barns so often that the critters soon greeted them by name. Eventually, the fair manager handed my wife the keys and told them to lock the main gate when and if they ever decided to leave.

One aspect of comedy is exaggeration. My wife and her family love popcorn, especially when it is drowned in butter, so I told the kids that many years ago, she was accidentally locked in a popcorn factory over the weekend. By the time of her release on Monday, she weighed over 500 pounds and had to be retrieved from the factory with a forklift. Of course, after her visit, there was no popcorn left in the building.

We talked about how dogs can be trained to track missing persons and escaped criminals. The children did not know, however, that their mother had even more amazing skills than this. If the wind was blowing just right, she could pinpoint a popcorn factory from up to seventy miles away!

My father-in-law was one of the most wonderful human beings I've had the pleasure of knowing. His daughter told the family on numerous occasions that he proudly could proclaim that alcohol had never touched his lips. Therefore, I informed the kids that their grandfather had simply used a straw. They thought that was funny; my wife, not so much.

I told the kids I could read their minds. Naturally, they didn't believe me. However, they had to agree with me when I announced they were thinking I couldn't tell what they were thinking.

The children were impressed when I informed them that their mother held the North American speed record for backing out of a driveway. In fact, I insisted, her car's speedometer, rather than in miles per hour, was listed at Moch 1 and Moch 2. Furthermore, by law, I explained, she had to file a flight plan before taking a trip.

Thanks to me, I informed the kids, a miracle took place at our church. When I began singing, folks in their 90s, some of whom were wheelchair-bound, for the first time in decades were able to get up and sprint from the church. For some reason, my adult children believe this particular story could be true. I guess they've heard me sing!

The kids were informed that long ago, I had a tryout with the New York Yankees. I told them only three little, inconsequential factors kept me from being signed: I couldn't hit, run, or throw. However, I looked great in a Yankee uniform. The kids found it hard to believe I looked great in pinstripes.

They laughed about the story in which I claimed their mother thought I should be a member of royalty. They did, however, agree that at times she probably wished to crown me. As a matter of fact, since I love hamburgers so much, she has dubbed me “Sirloin of Beef.” How's that for a royal title?

Most importantly, the kids knew this: Both their mother and I love each other, and we love them unconditionally. There was never any kidding about that.