Roasting Congress

* ”This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.” Will Rogers.

* “Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.” Mark Twain.

* “You can lead a man to Congress, but you can’t make him think.” Milton Berle.

* “I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is a disgrace, that two become a law firm, and that three or more become a congress.” John Adams.

* “I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress.” Ronald Reagan.

* “We may not imagine how our lives could be more frustrating and complex-but Congress can!” Cullen Hightower.

* “It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.” Mark Twain.

* “Asking an incumbent member of Congress to vote for term limits is a bit like asking a chicken to vote for Colonel Sanders.” Congressman Bob Inglis.

* “I don’t mind what Congress does as long as they don’t do it in the streets and frighten the horses.” Victor Hugo.

* “The American Republic will endure until the day Congress discovers that it can bribe the public with the public’s money.” Alexis de Tocqueville.

* “The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn’t get worse every time Congress meets.” Will Rogers.

* “There are 249 millionaires in Congress. See, crime does pay!” Jay Leno.

* “A government big enough to give you everything you want is big enough to take away everything you have.” Thomas Jefferson.

* “We have the right as individuals to give away as much of our own money as we please in charity, but as members of Congress we have no right to appropriate a dollar of the public money.” Davy Crockett.

* “Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for.” Will Rogers.

* “Fleas can be taught nearly anything that a Congressman can.” Mark Twain.

* “With Congress, every time they make a joke it’s a law, and every time they make a law it’s a joke.” Will Rogers.

* “All Congresses and Parliaments have a kindly feeling for idiots, and a compassion for them, on account of personal experience and heredity.” Mark Twain.

* “No man’s life, liberty or fortune is safe while our legislature is in session.” Benjamin Franklin.

* “The Constitution is not an instrument for the government to restrain the people. It is an instrument for the people to restrain the government lest it comes to dominate our lives and interests.” Patrick Henry.

* “Ancient Rome declined because it had a Senate. Now what’s going to happen to us with both a House and a Senate?” Will Rogers.

* “Congress-bingo with billions.” Red Skelton.

* “If the present Congress errs in too much talking, how can it be otherwise in a body to which the people send one hundred and fifty lawyers, whose trade it is to question everything, yield nothing, and talk by the hour?” Thomas Jefferson.

* “I’m not saying this Congress is bad at its job. I’m just saying that this Congress is equivalent to a skunk with its head in a jar of Skippy peanut butter.” Jon Stewart.

* “Congress is the finest body of men money can buy.” Will Rogers.

* “A new Gallup poll shows that only 1 in 10 Americans approves of the job Congress is doing. A 10 percent rating is about the same approval rating that rabies has.” Jimmy Kimmel. 

Cola Wars

As in politics, when it comes to soda pop many folks have their favorite brand and will have no other. My daughter-in-law, for example, who is one of the most wonderful people I know, loves Coke. To her “Pepsi” is a bad word. I doubt she has ever bought the “enemy's” soft drinks.

Contrarily, a teacher I know is a Pepsi man. Back in our teaching days, I saw him put away several soft drinks, and if I remember correctly, he never chose Coke.

My late father-in-law, Jack, also was a die-hard Pepsi man. A teetotaler, he once stated that alcohol had never touched his lips, and at least until a certain visit to a store, the same may have been said about his Coke consumption.

Whenever he came to our house for dinner, we made certain there were huge supplies of mustard, jelly, chocolate ice cream, assorted candies, popcorn, pickles, and, of course, Pepsi. (His awful eating choices probably led to his early death at the age of 90!)

My wife's maternal grandmother believed all soft drinks were evil, so she banned them from her house. One evening her husband and Jack went to a nearby grocery and purchased several bottles of pop. Upon arriving home they stuck those bottles in the freezer so the pop would get nice and cold.

When they retrieved the frozen bottles from the freezer and removed the caps, the soft drinks sprayed across the room and even blasted the ceiling! The missus was not very happy, to say the least!

Not to be deterred, Jack continued to drink Pepsi products regularly. True to his word, I never saw him touch an alcoholic beverage, but he probably carbonated himself from all the soft drinks he consumed over the years.

On what seemed like a typical day, Jack entered his favorite supermarket, no doubt to pick up a few essential items such as mustard, candy, pickles, and ice cream. However, this occasion was not going to be a typical one.

In one corner of the store, a couple young ladies were asking folks to participate in a blindfolded taste test. In this case, it was Pepsi vs. Coke. Jack agreed to take the test, knowing that he would always pick Pepsi, no matter if he was blindfolded or not.

After sampling the two products, he was certain which one tasted better: “I'd definitely buy drink A; it tastes so much better than the other stuff.”

“You have selected the Coke, sir,” one of the ladies told him.

Jack couldn't believe it. Had his taste buds somehow been deceived?

He probably should not have shared this story with his family, for we never let him forget it. Meanwhile, he continued to buy and consume Pepsi products.

Many years later, we invited Jack to come to our house for supper. While the roast was in the oven my wife took a quick inventory to make certain she had all the things her father loved. We had plenty of mustard, jelly, chocolate ice cream, candy, popcorn, and pickles, but no Pepsi!

“What am I going to do?” my distressed partner asked. “We are out of Pepsi!”

Always the practical one, I calmly replied: “No problem, dear. After he sits at the table, blindfold him and give him a glass of Coke.”

Did I ever tell you sometimes my wife lacks a sense of humor? 

Some Things to Think About

 

• I tried out for the lead in a major motion picture. The director suggested I have more of a face for radio.

• Last night my wife said I don't pay any attention to her. Well, I think that's what she said.

• Don't give up your dreams-go back to bed!

• “Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.” Oscar Wilde.

• Today's moms:” I can see you're upset. Take a deep breath and use your words.” My mom: “You'd better stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about.”

• “Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” Robin Williams.

• A wise man once told his wife nothing because he was a wise man.

• “All you need is love, but a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.” Charles M. Schultz.

• One of the most terrifying times in life is when you're at someone's house and the toilet will not flush.

• “Halloween is the beginning of the holiday season. That's for women. The beginning of the holiday season for men is Christmas Eve.” David Letterman.

• I am not fat; I am just so sexy it overflows.

• You know you're getting old when you barely do anything all day, but still need a nap so you can continue doing barely anything.

• “I never forget a face, but I'll be glad to make an exception in your case.” Groucho Marx.

• Folgers has it wrong. The best part of waking up is going back to sleep after using the bathroom.

• What does an anteater take for an upset stomach? An “ant-acid.”

• “Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” Isaac Asimov.

• “I always cook with wine; sometimes I even add it to the food.” W. C. Fields.

• Why do we have enough asphalt to make sped bumps but not enough to fill potholes?

• “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?” George Carlin.

• I've never tried yoga, but I have tried bending over to pick up my car keys, so I'm pretty sure I'd hate yoga.

• “I'm at a place in my life when errands are starting to count as going out.” Anonymous.

• “I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.” Les Dawson.

• “If you come to the fork in the road, take it.” Yogi Berra.

• THAT'S ALL, FOLKS!

What I've Learned from Westerns

Back in the '50s and '60s, one could watch several westerns every evening. After Dad filled his large mug with strong black coffee and grabbed the evening newspaper, he and I settled into our favorite living room chairs to watch Gunsmoke, Bonanza, The Rifleman, Maverick, and Death Valley Days, just to name a few of our favorite “rope operas.”

While watching these old shows today, many seem rather simplified and even silly, but from them, I've learned quite a bit about the old West. For example, with few exceptions, the cowboy hero, although rugged and handsome, was not married. That's not to say that the women didn't swoon over him. However, most cowboys loved their horses far more than they could ever care about a gal.

I've never proven this, but I think there were two unions-a “good guys” union and a “bad guys” one. To be a good guy, you had to be the best shot in the land. You took an oath to never start a fight, but when push came to shove, you could certainly end it. Contrarily, to be in the union of bad guys you had to be a horrible shot. If your shooting accuracy increased, you either had to become a good guy or get into politics, where you could continue to be a bad guy.

We underestimate the technology of those long-ago days. Many of the good guys and even several bad guys had pistols that could fire fifteen to twenty shots without a reload! In addition, there was a way to make those bullets fly even faster toward the enemy: When firing the shot, you simply “threw” the bullet by thrusting out the shooting arm.

The hero's horse usually was much smarter and faster than any ridden by a bad guy. The good guy's horse could run into town to retrieve the sheriff, rise on its hind legs to attack the bad dude, and even count to twenty by using its front right hoof. That's pretty smart; these days many public school kids can't count that far!

Several Western heroes were singing cowboys. Gene Autry and Roy Rogers, for example, could hold their own in the music department. The greatest of the cowboys, John Wayne, evidently could not sing, but he didn't need to. When the Duke said he would kick your backside, you didn't need to hear it in musical verse to get the message. As for the bad guys, I don't remember any of them being capable of carrying a tune in a bucket.

Most (but not all) females in the Westerns were rather dainty, helpless little creatures. Often the bad guy tried to force a helpless lady into marriage so that he could take control of her farm, her gold, or her railroad stock. Without an altruistic cowboy hero around to rescue her, the poor gal soon would be penniless, sleeping in a corral and begging on the streets for food (Or worse yet, being forced to star in a Hallmark romance movie.)

Every good guy cowboy takes an oath to help the helpless. That is why the majority of them never settle down. Instead, they travel from town to town, looking for opportunities to save a damsel in distress, a wrongly convicted citizen, or a town from an Indian attack.

I've mentioned how handy a good guy had to be with a gun, but also he had to be talented with his fists. Even if the bad guy is twice the hero's size, the good guy is expected to beat his opponent to a pulp, and in the Westerns, that's what usually happens.

After doing his good deeds, the hero must “ride off into the sunset.” The best of the “sunset” riders was the Lone Ranger. For some reason, he could hang around town for a week, yet, when he and Tonto eventually rode away, somebody would ask: “Who was that masked man?” Just once I would have loved hearing some ornery old-timer say, “Son, that was Zorro!”

Tonto called the masked man “Kemosahbee.” This has been translated into “trusty scout” or “faithful friend,” but Tonto used the term most frequently when he was ticked off with his companion. Therefore, better translations may be “birdbrain” or “nincompoop.” But I digress.

Actually, although many white men swiped the Indians' land, the hero usually had a good relationship with Native Americans. He could no more mistreat them than he could a helpless female (In Westerns, “helpless” and “female” are redundant terms.) It was part of the code of the West, and every good guy followed it to the letter.

When I was a kid, “cowboy” seemed like a wonderful occupation. It still beats being a politician, but of course, that's an extremely low bar. 

I'm an Expert on George Washington

 

The other day my wife and I watched a TV show about our nation's presidents. At the end of the program, my better half asked, “Dear, if you could have dinner with one of our presidents, which one would you choose?”

“That's easy,” I replied. “I'd select George Washington, the Father of our Country.”

“Do you know why he was called that?” she inquired.

“Sure. He was quite the playboy of those times. I think he was married six or seven times and had about eight or nine kids with each spouse.”

“That's not true! He was married just once, to Martha, and he had no biological children.”

“Well, unlike the rest of us, he didn't lie. As a matter of fact, he was so honest that he COULDN'T lie.”

“Dear, he was a politician. Don't you know there's a scientific way to tell when a politician lies?”

“No. What is it?”

“It's whenever his or her lips are moving!”

“But when George cut down his father's cherry tree he wasn't punished because he couldn't tell a lie. Honesty didn't work for me. Once I pushed our outhouse over a hill and readily admitted that I had done the deed, but Dad spanked me for it.”

“What was his reasoning?”

“He said that my case was different because George's father wasn't in that cherry tree when it was chopped down.”

“What else do you know about Mr. Washington?”

“If living today he would have been a great baseball pitcher or a remarkable football quarterback.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Everybody knows he threw a silver dollar across the mighty Potomac River.”

“That's a bunch of baloney. Major league pitchers have tried to do that, but they couldn't come close.”

“There's a reasonable explanation for that.”

“There is?”

“Yeah. Everybody knows that money doesn't go as far as it used to.”

“Do you have anything else to say?”

“Well, I imagine it is tough wearing wooden dentures. He had to deal with splinters, wood rot, and termites. Instead of brushing his teeth, he had to varnish them. Dear, why are you banging your head on the table?”

“George did use various types of dentures, but none were made of wood.”

“Well, we all know that he killed a bear when he was only three.”

“That song was about Davy Crockett, and it's not true.”

“He was the first president to live in the White House.”

“Nope. That was John Adams.”

“He pointed his bat toward the center-field wall just before knocking the ball into the center-field stands.”

“That was Babe Ruth.”

“George did it long before the Babe did, and he hit it so hard that it flew right over the Potomac. Dear, please quit mumbling something about how you could have married that truck driver from Cleveland.”

“Please tell me you're finished.”

“Just one more thing, dear. Mr. Washington was no couch potato. Unlike modern folks, he spent relatively little time watching TV.”

“ You should become a news anchor, dear.”

“Because I'm so handsome and knowledgeable?”

“No, because you are so good at giving fake news.”

They Said It

• “He hits from both sides of the plate. He's amphibious.” Yogi Berra.

“Judge not, and ye shall not be judged; condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned; forgive, and ye shall be forgiven.” Luke 6:37.

“Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not a coincidence.” Erma Bombeck.

“If you don't know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.” Yogi Berra.

• “It's not the size of the dog in the fight; it's the size of the fight in the dog.” Mark Twain.

• “Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it.” Ann Landers.

• “The man who says his wife can't take a joke forgets that she took him.” Oscar Wilde.

• “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.” Oscar Wilde.

• “My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.” Jack Benny.

• “A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.” Mignon McLaughlin.

• “Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.” Peter Drucker.

• “There is nothing better than a friend unless it is a friend with chocolate.” Linda Grayson.

• “Being with a woman all night never hurt no professional baseball player. It's staying up all night looking for a woman that does him in.” Casey Stengel.

• “If I had known I was going to live this long I'd have taken better care of myself.” Mickey Mantle.

• “If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.” Johnny Carson.

• “When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.” Rodney Dangerfield.

• “Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.” George Carlin.

• “If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?” Robin Williams.

• “If you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.” Stan Laurel.

• “Behind every great man,  there's a woman rolling her eyes.” Oliver Hardy.

• “My theory on housework is if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?” Erma Bombeck.

• “If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'” Dave Barry.

• “If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.” Erma Bombeck.

 

Creatures of Habit

 Creatures of Habit

We human beings tend to develop and live by routines. It's an effort to bring some predictability and order to our otherwise chaotic lives. The experts tell us change is good, but it should be slow and purposeful. For decades workers have been resisting “runaway change” mandated by management, which leads to stress, burnout, and extra, meaningless work. Perhaps employees cannot slow down change in the workplace, but they can still do so in other areas of their lives.

One sat on the same chair in my parents' home whenever a meal was served. Moreover, there were strict rules about sitting in the living room. If you really wanted to get into big-time trouble, all you had to do was park yourself in Dad's chair. You might have been better off swiping Queen Elizabeth's throne.

Since we sat in the front, it's scary to think we had no seat belts in the family automobile, especially for Dad, Mom, and me. Dad was behind the wheel, Mom took the “shotgun” position, and I was sandwiched between them. In the backseat, my brother was behind Dad, while the older of two sisters sat behind Mom. My other sister had the honor (?) of sitting behind me.

In school, we each had an assigned seat, which was fine if good-looking gals were seated nearby, but not so good if bullies were there to cause trouble. Having assigned seats worked well in Latin class. The teacher would always start the translations at the beginning of one row, work to the end, and then go from back to front in the adjoining row. This predictability made it fairly easy to pass one homework sheet from student to student.

A few years ago I read that some workers “turned in” a fellow employee because in the cafeteria he ate his dessert before consuming the rest of his lunch! How dare he commit such a dastardly deed! For his fellow workers, this may very well be a case of enforcing a routine much too far.

My wife is guilty of a procedure that could destroy civilization as we know it. She dares to put on a sock and then a shoe before donning the other sock. I'm certain the great John Wayne did it the right way-sock, sock, shoe, and shoe. What is this world coming to?

Our church seats do not have nameplates, but we act as if they do. Each regular member has selected his or her own personal area to park while worshiping the Lord. No doubt God gets a good chuckle out of this. Occasionally, to get us to know each other better, our minister requests that we leave our sacred and God-given seats. We comply, but the next Sunday all of us are back where we belong. The way I look at it, if God had not wanted us to pick out our own seats He would have added an Eleventh Commandment to deal with the problem.

One of the first rules I learned in our marriage is to not occupy my honey's side of the bed. She explained that for some unknown reason, she can doze off only on one side. Which side? When facing the bed at its foot, the left side is her domain. I learned the hard way not to enter that territory.

Early in our marriage, while on vacation, after a busy day of sightseeing, we checked into a hotel. My wife decided to shower before hitting the hay, so without thinking, I put on my pajamas and quickly fell into a deep sleep on her side of the bed!

Upon discovering this crime of the century, she shook me while verbally commanding me to move. Unfortunately, I was so dead to the world that I did not respond. In desperation, she began rolling me out of her territory, but she did the job too well, rolling me onto the floor. Lord, I promise never again to sleep on her side of the bed! Please forgive me!

During my early years, I had a habit my folks tried to change, but to no avail. By definition, the part of the hot dog upon which I began eating was the head. Therefore, logically, the other end was the hot dog's butt. Perhaps this habit saved my life; eating back-ends cannot be healthy. It's bad enough in life when we have to kiss backsides, let alone consume them.