Laughter is the Best Medicine

• Spilling coffee is the adult equivalent of losing your balloon.

• Cat cheerleaders: “Nap on the sofa! Nap in the den! Nap in the kitchen! Then do it all again!”

• I'm not getting old. I'm just becoming a classic!

• Remember when, as kids, we made prank calls? Now spam calls are paying us back!

• My wife scolded our cat just because she sold our dog on EBAY.

• I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth, but I was raised with a wooden spoon on my backside.

• My cat wrote this for me on Valentine's Day: “This is Valentine's Day and I want you to smile, so when I have to throw up, I'll do it on tile!”

• Chocolate is vital to our survival. Dinosaurs didn't have chocolate, so look what happened to them.

• Noses are red, fingers are blue. I'm sick and tired of winter. How about you?

• How can a cemetery raise its burial prices and then blame it on the cost of living?

• Once you hit 70 you have to sit on the edge of the bed and warm up like an old Chevy.

• My doctor asked if any members of my family suffered from insanity. I replied: “No, they all seem to enjoy it.”

• Wanted: Someone to brush their teeth with me because 9 out of 10 dentists say brushing alone won't stop tooth decay.

• My door was ajar, so I added jelly. Now it's a door jam.

• The shortest and best will: “Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.”

• When women reach a certain age, they begin buying dogs. The medical term for this is “many paws.”

• Don't tell any secrets in the garden. The potatoes have eyes, the corn has ears, and the beanstalk.

• It's been two years since I joined a gym, but I'm yet to see any results, so tomorrow I'm going there in person to see the problem.

• I'm suing the makers of Thin Mints for false advertising.

• The first thing I do each morning is grab the newspaper and look at the obituaries. If I'm not listed, I get dressed and go about my day.

• A police officer stopped me while I was driving down a busy city street. “Sir, do you know this is a one-way street?” he asked. “What's the big deal?” I replied. “I was only going one-way.”

• We are told that it is difficult for a wealthy person to get into Heaven. I wonder if any politicians have made it yet?

• My good friend is getting a divorce from the woman he has called “Miss Right.” Only recently had he discovered her first name was “Always.”