Giving Thanks

 Giving Thanks

Many of us, myself included, view Thanksgiving Day as a time to be with family members, eat too much good food, and watch way too many football games. However, at times we need to remind ourselves what Thanksgiving is all about.

It is a national holiday on which we celebrate our many blessings. Thanksgiving is based on the 1621 celebration in which the Pilgrims of the Plymouth Colony shared a feast with the Wampanoag tribe, who had helped the colonists get through the rugged first winter in the new land ( They had such a good time that the men only watched one football game that day).

On Thanksgiving Day we should remind ourselves of our blessings. Actually, several times a year we need to remember the many good things in our lives.

Watching the nightly news can be a real downer. Evidently, bad news sells better than good news, but sometimes I walk away from the TV set with the feeling that the world is about to end. This is why occasionally I take a day or two from learning about what's happening in our world. It's good therapy for my nerves.

I begin counting my blessings by being thankful for my relationship with God. Of course, one has to reach their own conclusions when it comes to religious beliefs. We can read what happened during the Middle Ages when the Catholic Church used its power to “force” folks to see things the “right” way. You can force someone to say whatever you wish, but you can't truly change what's in their hearts. So I give thanks for my religious convictions and our Constitutional rights to freedom of religion (or freedom from religion, if you desire).

Almost every day I give thanks that my wife is part of my life. From her, I've learned to be more loving, forgiving, and generous. An old country song sums up how I feel about her: “She's close enough to perfect for me.”

My children and grandchildren bring me great joy. My kids have become hardworking and responsible adults, while my three grandchildren, at least from my perspective, are adorable. I feel blessed.

I also feel blessed to have the opportunity to serve my fellow human beings. Thanks to my wife, we've become involved in several volunteer programs. The little secret is that participating in them helps me as much as the people we serve.

Traveling in the United States and abroad has been an enlivening experience. I've learned about several cultures and met many wonderful people along the way. I especially enjoyed visiting Germany and Ireland.

Traveling has given me a variety of culinary experiences. Although I've sampled many delicious foods, I've come to the conclusion that the world's best donuts and pizza are right here in my hometown. This is certainly a blessing. This, of course, is the opinion of my particular taste buds.

I'm particularly thankful for my three siblings and my friends. Life is so much richer when you have folks to love and by whom to be loved. (I avoided ending this last sentence with a preposition so my old language arts teacher wouldn't give me grief).

Having books readily available is a blessing. To paraphrase the late comedian Grouch Marx, outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Of course, inside a dog, it's much too dark to read!

I'm extremely thankful for my educational opportunities. My teachers in our public schools were top flight, while most of the college professors were excellent.

So when you're feeling down, when you think the world is going to heck in a hand-basket, take the time to do what the author of a well-known song instructed us to do-” Count your blessings, name them one by one...” You will be surprised how this practice will change your outlook on life for the better.

I feel great, so I don't want to destroy the mood. Maybe tonight I'll skip the news and watch an old Abbott and Costello movie.

At the Restaurant

Sometimes it’s fun to just be silly. That is the case with this blog. Ron and Mark, on their way to a high school basketball game, stopped for lunch at “The Leaky Bucket,” a pub located near the gymnasium:

Waiter (after the two gentlemen are seated): May I help you?

Mark: Yes; do you serve crabs?

Waiter: Sir, we’ll serve anyone who has enough money to pay the bill.

Mark: Very funny! I’ll have a steak, peas, potato soup, and black coffee.

Waiter: And the vegetable?

Mark (grinning at Ron): You’ll have to ask him yourself.

Ron: Very funny! I’ll have the chicken pot pie, some sausages, and black coffee.

In about ten minutes the waiter returns with some of the food:

Ron (after tasting the chicken pot pie): Hey! There’s no chicken in this!

Waiter: So what? Do you expect to find a “dog” in a dog biscuit?

Mark: This coffee tastes like mud!

Waiter: That’s no surprise! Just this morning it was ground!

Ron (looking at his watch): Waiter, how long will my sausages be?

Waiter: I’d say about three or four inches.

Waiter (to Mark): Sir, how do you find your steak?

Mark: Easy; I just brush aside a few peas and there it is.

Waiter: Is there anything else, sir?

Mark: Yeah. What’s that fly doing in my soup?

Waiter (Looking carefully into the bowl): I would say he’s doing the backstroke, sir.

Ron: This food isn’t fit for pigs!

Waiter: Then let me take it back and I’ll find something that is!

The clumsy waiter then trips and drops most of the food on Ron’s lap.

Waiter: I’m terribly sorry, sir! Oh well, at least your friend will eat for free.

Ron: Why’s that?

Waiter: Well, it looks to me like this meal’s on you!

Waiter (after cleaning up the mess): This is a first-class joint; we have entertainment. Here’s Joe on the piano.

The piano player is awful, to say the least. After listening for about ten minutes the two gentlemen can take no more:

Ron(walking over to the piano player): Don’t you know how to be quiet?

Piano player: Heck no, man, but if you hum a few bars, I’ll pick it up.

Waiter (now with a raspy voice): Would you gentlemen like some ice cream for dessert? We have vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate.

Mark: Do you have laryngitis?

Waiter: No, just vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate.

Mark:(after looking through a nearby window, watching the chef roll pizza dough on his fat, hairy stomach): That’s disgusting!

Waiter: That’s nothing! You should have seen how he thawed your steak; he held it under his armpit for fifteen minutes.

Ron and Mark still go to many basketball games, but now they pack their own lunches. 

Cheapo Airlines

While comparing airline ticket prices, I noticed that one company, Cheapo, offered the lowest price. “How can Cheapo stay in business with such low rates?” I asked myself. It didn't take long to find the answer.

After presenting my boarding pass, I began climbing the steps to the plane's entrance. “Stop right there, Bub!” commanded a stewardess. “Go to the front of the plane and spin the propeller.”

Bewildered, I asked: “Why would a customer have to help start the plane?”

She replied: “This cuts costs. If we can recruit passengers, we won't have to pay an employee to do the job.”

Once inside the plane, I was assigned to milk bucket number 7A. “Why do I have to sit on a milk bucket?” I inquired.

“You don't; for an extra $25, you can upgrade to a regular seat.”

So I forked over twenty-five clams. Substituting a seatbelt for a rope cost me an additional $10.

Before takeoff, the stewardess announced: “If we lose air pressure, simply drop ten quarters into the coin machine by your seat. Then a mask will drop from the ceiling. If you would like oxygen to flow through it, add another five dollars in coins. If you are traveling with children, cover your own face first. If you have more than one kid, then we will see which one you like best.”

I must say the menu offered what seemed like tasty treats, but when the stewardess arrived at my seat, she gave me only a glass of water and a piece of stale bread.

Protesting, I remarked: “Hey, I want the steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, and wine.”

“You don't like the bread and water? It was good enough for the Titanic passengers in steerage. Okay, the food upgrade will be $40.”

After all the passengers had finished their meals, the uniformed lady told me I had an option: I could collect all the plates, silverware, and cups, or I could pay a $25 fee. I paid.

I was startled to discover that the bathroom door was locked. The stewardess kindly informed me that for a mere $25 she would loan me the key to open it. Once inside I discovered there was no toilet paper. They offered sections of T.P. for only three bucks each, but one had to pay in advance. After this experience, both my kidneys and my wallet were lighter.

An elderly lady making her first flight asked the stewardess: “Ma'am, will the pilot get us down safely?”

“Don't worry, toots,” the stew replied. “He hasn't left anyone up here yet.”

After a three-hour flight, the stewardess, using a t. p. roll as a bullhorn, announced: “We are approaching your destination. Please have your seatbelts or ropes fastened, and put your seats or buckets straight up in their most agonizing positions.”

Several passengers bounced into the aisle as we made a rather bumpy landing. Since the plane's brakes did not work, we were asked to drag our feet. That smarts!

The stewardess made one more announcement: “I'm rather surprised we made a safe landing, especially since our pilot is legally blind and an alcoholic. Anyway, the last five passengers on the plane will be retained to either clean up this mess or pay a $35 fee.”

Several passengers were injured as they pushed and shoved each other in an attempt not to be among the last five on the plane. I paid the fee.

That night in my motel room I did a little figuring. When all was said and done, this particular flight cost me $40 more than the previously most expensive one. Cheap my foot! 

Tipping

Recently my wife asked me what my policy is on tipping.

“I don't tip anymore,” I replied.

Startled, she said: “That's awful! Why not?”

“A couple months ago, while walking past farmer Brown's pasture, I spotted one of his cows, still standing but asleep. With all my might, I ran into its side but simply bounced off her like a rubber ball slammed against a concrete wall. Hurt my back. I'm in no hurry to try that again!”

“Not that kind of tipping, you fool! I mean when you give a server extra money for doing a good job.”

“Why didn't you say so? If the server is friendly and comes around a few times to see if I need anything, then I give them 25-30 percent of the bill as a tip. If they have a bad attitude, I might lower the tip to 10 percent.”

“Give me an example of a bad attitude.'”

“Don't you remember that smarty pants waiter we had last month? I was ticked off when I found a fly in my soup, but when he was called over and I asked just what that insect was doing in there, he snarlingly replied: 'It looks like the backstroke to me.' I don't give big tips for jokes unless I'm at a comedy club.”

My better half replied:” I'd still give that person a full tip if they gave me a fresh bowl of soup.”

“There was an even worse case last year. My cousin and I stopped at a restaurant where they had signs proclaiming human hands never touch the food being prepared and served.”

“That sounds great! I'd give a big tip for that.”

“Well,true to their word, the server used a pair of tongs to serve the food and drinks. He said they were so concerned about cleanliness that the workers are not even allowed to touch themselves when they go to the bathroom.”

“Then how did he go to the bathroom?” my better half asked.

When I asked him that question, he said, “That's easy; I use these tongs.”

“We didn't leave a tip. In fact, we didn't even eat the food.”

“Okay, I go along with you there. Do you have another example?”

“Yes, a while ago I ate at an automated restaurant. From the computer on the wall, you pick what you want to eat, pay for it, get the receipt, and then get your own drinks, plates, and utensils. Eventually, a person behind the counter calls your number. You then go to the counter and get your meal. After finishing the meal there are special containers for the customers to put their plates and silverware and trash bins for disposable products.”

“You didn't leave a tip?”

“No. They dared to put a space on the receipt for a tip, but except for the cooking, I did everything myself. I'll try tipping a cow again before I tip someone who gives no service.”