Even More Goofy Stuff

• I backed a horse at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.

• On what grounds did the police arrest the devil? They charged him with possession.

• Why was the bottle of ketchup arrested? It was watching the salad dressing.

• What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.

• I thought we had once again elected a pope. As I sat on the sofa, I noticed white smoke floating across the deck. Later I found that my wife was doing laundry. The smoke came from the vent.

• What is the difference between a man and a catfish? One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker, and the other is a fish.

• Did you hear about the woman who won a gold medal in the Olympics? She's having it bronzed.

• I cleaned the attic with my wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

• He: “What are the signs you're having a stroke?” She: “Let's see...There's slurred speech, facial droopiness, arm weakness...” He: “How about weird intermittent tingling in the nether regions?” She: “No, that means you're sitting on your phone again.”

• Why do dogs float on water? Because they're good buoys.

• I do not approve of political jokes-I've seen too many of them elected.

• If Chuck Norris were president, he'd protect the Secret Service.

• One elderly lady said: “I'm never lonely because I have four men in my life. I get up with Charlie Horse, spend the day with Arthur Itis, dine with Will Power, and go to bed with Ben Gay.”

• What do you call a detective who accidentally solves a crime? Sheer Luck Holmes.

• Yesterday my mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I had no idea they actually worked.

• I think our house is haunted. Every time I look in the mirror, a crazy-looking old guy stands in front of me so I can't see my reflection.

• Why are veterinarians prescribing birth-control pills for dogs? It's part of an anti-litter campaign.

• I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

• Why do thieves never target the homes of politicians? Professional courtesy.

• How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend? He gave her a ring.

• How are politicians like babies? Both need to be changed regularly and for the same reason.

• I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but couldn't find any.

• Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was out standing in his field.

• Why do ghosts like to take the elevator? It lifts their spirits.