The Adventures of Superman

I was a big fan of the 1950s TV show, The Adventures of Superman. In fact, in an attempt to emulate my hero, at the age of six, while wearing my super outfit, which consisted of a long towel draped around my neck, I gave a big run, stretched out my arms, and attempted to fly off our back porch. Unfortunately, gravity had its way that day. So you can imagine how excited I was to discover a forgotten episode of The Man of Steel lying in the bottom of my sock drawer.

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Superman, looking out a window of the Daily Planet, where as Clark Kent, he works as a reporter: “Oh my gosh! That man is crossing the street against the light. This is a job for Superman!”

Several people on the street look up to see a man in leotards and a cape fly out a window of the Daily Planet.

Crowd: “It’s a bird! No, it’s a plane!” (An onlooker is hit) “@##$%%%^! It is a &%^**^&**^^* bird! “ Others: “No, it’s Superman!”

Bobby Jones, a newspaper boy stationed in front of the Daily Planet, thinks to himself: “Wow! It seems like every other day Superman flies out a window of the Daily Planet. He must be good friends with the staff. I wonder why I never see him go into the building? Maybe there’s a secret tunnel!”

Perry White, the editor of the Daily Planet: “Great Caesar’s ghost! In the last two weeks, I’ve gotten only one column out of Kent. Where in the blazes is he? “

Jimmy Olsen, cub reporter: “ Golly, Chief. I haven’t seen him since Superman showed up and took that jaywalker to jail!”

White: “ Well, find him! And don’t call me ‘Chief!’”

At noon Olsen goes to lunch with Lois Lane, a female reporter who is madly in love with the Man of Steel. Lane: “You know, Jimmy, that big sissy Clark Kent keeps asking me for a date. I’d rather die an old maid than end up with him! He’s so skinny and ugly! I can’t stand to be around him!”

Jimmy: “Golly! Beauty is only skin deep, Miss Lane.”

Lane: Then do me a favor and skin him! I’m holding out for that big hunk of superhero! What a dreamboat!”

Olsen: “Golly, Miss Lane; I think that Clark and Superman look quite a bit alike!”

Lane: “You need your eyes tested, Jimmy. They have completely different hairstyles and Clark wears glasses.”

Olsen: “Golly, Miss Lane; you’re right. What was I thinking?”

Lane: “And quit saying ‘golly’ or I’ll smack you in the chops!” (Lois was one of the few truly liberated women of the 1950s).

Meanwhile, Kent is having lunch with his good pal from Gotham City, Bruce Wayne, who is secretly the superhero, Batman. Kent: “You know, Bruce, I’m getting just a little tired of some of the members in the Justice League.”

Wayne: “Why?”

Kent: “ I really appreciate what you do with your gadgets, but some of those superheroes are not so super. Have you ever noticed that when there’s a really big problem, I either find a large chunk of kryptonite in my lunchbox or I’m sent to a goofy, far-away planet to handle some squabble among twelve-feet tall, three-headed idiots? I think some of those “lesser” heroes are just getting me out of the way so they can get all the glory.”

Wayne: “ I never did trust the Green Lantern.”

Kent: “ I know what you mean, and the Flash thinks he’s hot stuff just because he beat me in a footrace. He can’t fly, he’s a weakling, he has no x-ray vision, and bullets go right through him. The best thing he can do is run away from trouble.”

Wayne: “Wonder Woman is easy on the eyes, but she’s not the brightest bulb in the pack. That lady brags about her invisible plane but then she’s always asking me to help her find where she’d parked it, and that woman thinks nobody can see her when she’s flying the plane. All a bad guy has to do is look up into the sky and he’ll see a nice-looking lady seemingly floating along.”

After lunch, while walking back to the Daily Planet, Kent sees a robbery in progress at the Fifth Third Second Bank.

Kent: “ This is a job for Superman!”

Kent goes to the nearest telephone booth to change into his costume, but some guy is on the line talking to his girlfriend.

Kent: “ Excuse me, sir; this is an emergency! I need that phone booth!”

Guy in booth: “Drop dead, Bozo!”

In just two minutes the guy runs screaming from the booth. Using his heat vision, Kent had raised the temperature inside it to 154 degrees.

Upon entering the bank, Superman is hit in the chest by several bullets fired by the bad guys.

First bad guy: “ Hey Boss, why do we have to shoot at him? The bullets just bounce off the guy!”

Second bad guy: “It’s one of the most important bad guy rules. We must shoot at the good guys. If this was a Western we would have to miss him. Don’t forget to throw the gun at him when you run out of bullets. And don’t call me ’ Boss!’”

Back at the Planet, Kent uses his super speed to write fifty-three articles in two minutes. He takes them to Perry White.

White: “ Great Caesar’s ghost! These articles are wonderful! Lane and Olsen; why can’t you write like this? Kent, my boy, you get a big fat raise!”

Two days later, at Miss Lane’s cubicle, Jimmy Olsen speaks: “Golly. I mean wow! Yesterday I walked into the storage room and there was Clark Kent in his underwear. He was taking off a Superman outfit. Do you think Kent and Superman could be the same person?”

Lane: “ Listen to me, Jimmy; we’ve been through this several times. Clark is skinny and ugly and he is a sissy. Superman is built like a brick house and he’s the most handsome and brave man in the universe.”

Olsen: “ I still think there’s a connection, Miss Lane.”

Lane: “Look, like I’ve told you a thousand times, they comb their hair differently and Clark wears glasses.”

Olsen: “ I guess you’re right, Miss Lane. They must be two completely different people! Golly! “ (Jimmy quickly ducks). This time it’s not a bird, a plane, or even Superman; it’s one of Miss Lane’s high heels whizzing past the cub reporter’s head.