Funny Stuff to Start Your Day

• I entered an Iron Man competition. I did four shirts and three pairs of pants.

• Wife to our dog: “The neighbor tells me you are chasing people on a bicycle.” Dog: “He's lying. I don't even have a bicycle!”

• Now that I'm old, 10 PM is the new midnight.

• If you don't like Alexa listening to your conversations, switch it to the male voice. Then it won't listen to anything.

• At night what does a mama cow say to her calves? “It's pasture bedtime!”

• A Roman entered a bar, held up two fingers, and said, “Five beers, please.”

• I'm frightened by elevators, so I'm taking steps to avoid them.

• What's black and white and eats like a horse? A zebra.

• I burned 2,000 calories today. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

• I don't approve of political jokes; I've seen too many of them elected.

• Behind every husband who thinks he wears the pants is a wife who tells him which pants to wear.

• My grandson asked me why we ask for daily bread instead of daily donuts.

• Old age is much like your underwear; it creeps up on you.

• Every morning I open the living room door, grab the morning newspaper, and look at the obituary section. If I'm not listed I get dressed and go about my day.

• Never trust a train. It has loco motives.

• What kind of a dog can jump as high as a tall building? All kinds. A building can't jump.

• “Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much.” Oscar Wilde.

• Why do animals refuse to play poker in the jungle? There are too many cheetahs.

• I can remember when “snap,” “crackle,” and “pop” noises came from my cereal instead of my body.

• “I love you,” she said. I asked: “Is that you talking or is it the wine?” She replied: “It's me talking to the wine.”

• “You can't buy happiness, but ice ice cream comes close.

• My doctor said I need professional help. A butler, a chef, and a maid should do the trick

• The other day I tried on some things from 10 years ago and they still fit! They were an old pair of socks.

• The primary purpose of the pinkie toe is to locate furniture in the middle of the night.

• Hippos can out-swim and outrun human beings. Therefore, your only chance to beat a hippo in a triathlon is the bicycle race.